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Chapter Four: Waking or Asleep
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Light and airy, the music washes over me, cleansing, relieving, absolving. I wish to live within it, inside of a note, locked in this song. Music sheds no blood. You never hear of wars being fought for music. A samurai never dies wishing his ears had been filled with one less song.
This is not Sara-san's song, the moving elegy of the goze. No, her song bespoke tragedy, longing, and unfathomable sadness. This music, the music which surrounds me now, coaxes life from that which never before knew of life. This tune bathes sadness in hope, washes longing with friendship, and provides a smile amongst tragedies.
I shall come to rest here, within this song. Still. Motionless. It seems to me like a pond with no waves to disturb the surface of the water. No breeze mars the reflection of the sky.
And a faraway voice gratingly disturbs my stillness by grumbling, "Stop humming. What are you so fucking happy about, anyway?"
"Shh, Jin's still asleep."
"Fuck if I care what he's doing."
Where has the music gone? I try to stretch out a hand to find it, but can't find my hand. I've dissolved into raw nothingness. I'm a million specks of dust, bouncing about in the ether. I've been shattered and reconfigured into something which owns no identity.
"It's so funny, isn't it? I hardly ever get to see him asleep, since he almost always wakes up before us. What do you think he dreams about, Mugen?"
"That guy? He probably dreams about meditating or boring shit like books. Look at him. He has the same expression on his face whether he's awake or asleep. My kabuto beetle had more personality than that rock."
"I bet he dreams about really complicated things. Like shogi moves or tea ceremony. Jin's so smart. I think he really would make a good teacher, you know. In a dojo or otherwise."
Mugen snorts. "Smart? Are we talking about the same guy, here?"
Alright, now I actually am awake, but I'm listening in on the conversation. Perhaps that is a bit dishonest. Perhaps I am a bit too tired to care. I don't feel like opening my eyes yet, that's all. It's not my fault that they are speaking so loudly.
"Yeah, you're right. In a way, he's also stupid, too. But, well, you know what I mean." I hear Fuu shift her weight. "He's kinda strange, Jin is... I don't always understand him. But, I guess.. Jin's just Jin. And Fuu is Fuu. And Mugen is Mugen."
"Did you think that up by yourself?"
"Huh? Wait, quit eating all the food. Save some for Jin."
"Che. Right. You're still eating, too."
After that, I just hear the two of them racing to wolf down their breakfasts. I suppose I should actually pretend to wake up now, and grab some food before those two...
"Geez, that's really strange. Jin never sleeps this long,." There's a rustling, and then light footsteps pad towards where I am sitting. I fell asleep leaning against a tree again. I don't like to sleep laying down. It's too precarious of a position. "You think we should wake him up, Mugen?"
I still don't understand how I could have ended up back here. Was walking around in the forest just a dream? If it was, then why am I so incredibly tired?
Mugen grunts something about how he couldn't care less what she does. There's a light tap on my shoulder. Fuu's fingers. She stops for a moment, and then taps again. "Jin? Um, it's morning, so..."
"I'm awake," I say.
"Oh? Oh, well, that's good."
"I've been awake."
"What?" Fuu stands up. When I open my eyes, I see her looking down at me, her lips pursed together, and one hand clenched into a little fist. "You...! Why didn't you say something?"
"You didn't ask."
Mugen scratches his head and proceeds to belch. When he's finished being revolting, he says, "I knew he was awake."
Now Fuu looks even more annoyed. She turns around and stomps her foot. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You didn't ask," Mugen says. I wonder if he uses the same words I just used for the express purpose of annoying me. "Besides, it's fucking obvious. That asshole always keeps one hand on his katana when he's sleeping. He doesn't let go until he wakes up."
I look down. My sword is still leaning against my shoulder. But, my hand has slipped from my grip on the sheath and is now laying ony my knee. I didn't even know that I did this. Do I really let only let go of my katana when I wake up and realize it is safe? Probably so.
"If I didn't hold onto it, you'd steal it."
Mugen scowls, and grabs the last fish off the fire. He glares at me while biting into it. "Hungry?" He licks along the length of what remains of the fish. Moron slobber. "I'll give you half."
"Geez!" Fuu throws up her hands. "Can you two quit being children for five minutes?"
"It's his fault."
I hate the fact that he and I say it simultaneously.
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We're traveling west, still along the bank of the river. Fuu is trying to get us to play a game with her. It goes like this: she asks us a very strange question, and then we're supposed to answer it.
It's not exactly my sort of game, because there are no real rules, and it's endless. No one ever wins. It's actually impossible to win.
But, both of us continue to play. If we didn't, the boredom would be overwhelming. I tried a bit of concurrent sleeping and walking about an hour ago, and ended up running into Fuu's back.
I apologized, and told her my glasses were dirty.
"Okay!" Fuu claps her hands together, and looks at the sky for a moment. "Mmm. Next question! Ummm. Okay, if you were trapped on a deserted island, and you could have only one possession, what would it be? Jin! You first."
"My katana."
Fuu sighs a bit, and mumbles something about that being a truly boring and predictable answer. "Alright, how about you, Mugen?"
"That's stupid. I wouldn't get trapped on an island. I spent half my life trying to get OFF of a damn island."
"It's just a hypothetical situation," I say.
"I don't care how hyper-tentacle the question is. It's stupid. I'd never get stuck on an island."
His idiocy is night palpable. I need a bath to wash off the stupidity. "You realize Japan is an island, right?"
"Che. If only it were more deserted, maybe it wouldn't suck so much." Mugen briefly looks over his shoulder at me, and attempts a meaningful sneer. "Fine. I'd want several bolts of cloth."
Fuu claps her hands together. Apparently, this is the sort of answer she was seeking. "So you could make a tent?"
"No. For sails. To put on my raft. So I can get off the damn island."
Fuu thinks for a moment, and then declares, "I'd want a whole bucket of dango."
"That's not very useful," I say.
"Yeah. After you eat it, then what?"
Fuu sighs, as if it's the happiest thought she's ever had. "Then I'd watch the sunset on a full stomach."
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Fuu gives up on her game around the time Mugen declares that if he could be any animal, he'd be a woman, so that he could molest himself all day long, and...
Well, it's better if I just don't repeat the rest of what he said.
We walk in silence for some time. I'm actually somewhat amazed. It's been several days now since we've had to fight anyone. Perhaps this will continue until our journey is complete. Perhaps, but unlikely.
At least the weather has been decent.
When night falls, we set up our camp in the usual manner. Mugen manages to catch a rabbit. This causes Fuu to pray over the 'poor little bunny', but she eats as voraciously as ever. After dinner, she plays with her animal for a while, murmuring on occasion that she would never eat it, no matter how hungry she might become. Mugen finds a long stick and uses it to scratch his back. I try to meditate, but get nowhere on the endeavor. I just keep wondering about last night, and how I ended up back where I began.
I just don't know. Did I walk in a circle on purpose? Does it mean something? Or does it just mean that I have no sense for the woods in the dark?
I must doze off at one point, because when I open my eyes, they're both asleep, and the fire has gone from a crackling blaze to the soft glow of hot coals. That's strange. I never doze off like that.
My face feels sticky and hot, as if I have been sweating despite the cool night. I decide to go splash some water on it. I stand and head for the river. We still haven't found a bridge, but the water no longer seems as deep or as fast. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll suggest we swim. Maybe we could construct some sort of makeshift bridge by felling a couple of tall trees.
I kneel beside the river, and dip my hands into the water. It's refreshing, so I splash my face several times.
That's when I hear footsteps. Something flies through the air at me. From my crouched position, I draw my katana, spin, and slash it in twain.
"You didn't take your hat this time." The two pieces of my straw hat land beside my right foot. "I thought I'd put it beside your head after I slice the damn thing off."
It's Mugen. He's standing about ten paces away, his arms crossed, and his ugly face twisted into a scowl.
"You knew." How odd. I thought he was asleep the whole time. And if he wasn't, why didn't he chase me down and try to kill me?
"Yeah. I knew. Except, I didn't think you were going to come back."
"I wasn't."
Mugen sneers. I can actually see his teeth. "You're a fucking coward."
I grip the hilt of my katana as I stand, but stand slowly. I feel strange. I think, perhaps, the shock of the cold water on my face has left me a bit dizzy. Nonetheless, I will not allow such things to be said. I did not leave because of fear. I left because it was proper. Of course, someone like Mugen would never understand the concept of doing something that is right just because it is right. "I do not wish to endanger Fuu any longer. I was going to return to Edo...to turn myself in to the authorities."
"Yeah. Like I said. You're a damn coward. You're the only person I've ever met who isn't afraid of anything except his damn self." He's staring me down now. Waiting, like a starved hawk, just waiting for me to falter. "You'd rather put your head on the bakufu's chopping block than brave reality, is that it? It's pathetic, and it disgusts me."
I see it in my mind. I imagine it, as I have imagined it before. My katana, right through his ribs. It's pointless to try to stab a man through his heart. The organ is smaller than you'd think. But, if you puncture the lungs, a man will drown in his own blood. And I'm strangling him with my free hand, watching as the blood spills down his chin onto the back of my wrist. Little rivulets form on my forearm, as the blood snakes down to my elbow and then plunges to the ground. Drip. Drip. Drip.
And, Fuu is nearby, screaming, screaming for me to stop. Begging. Pleading. She says this isn't me. This isn't the Jin she knows. How could I do this? She really believed in me. Before she runs away, she calls me a monster.
I feel ill. My stomach contracts rather painfully. It's not the vision so much as the knowledge that he might be right. I am always fleeing. Not fights. I don't fear what I can face with my sword. I now realize that the true terror is that I might care for someone, for something. Such things are transient, an illusion, a mirage in the desert.
Just like sensei was.
If Fuu came to realize... If she thought of me as a murderer, as bloodthirsty monster...
"Heh. It's always the quiet ones who are worried about being transparent." Mugen spits into the dirt. "Raise your katana at me. Give me a fucking reason to show you how transparent you really are."
I feel my left knee give out. My head... No, my vision isn't right. Everything is tilted. I must hold onto my katana. "As if you're any better. At least I don't go through life trying to prove my own worth to myself." He's motionless as I glare at him. I try to keep my words level, but they come of their own accord, clipped and biting. "That's it, isn't it? The world threw you away, so you have to prove to the world that it was wrong. That's..." I'm definitely closer to the ground than I was just a few moments ago. "That's...pathetic."
"You don't know anything. Smart, my ass." But, I can hear in his voice that he knows I'm right. We're both brutal to each other when Fuu isn't around. Swords or no swords. Mugen's face becomes an unstable blob. "Oi! What the fuck is wrong with you? Stand up so I can kick your ass, you four-eyed faggot."
My hand is in the dirt. Gritty. Loamy. I've got to figure out some way to prop myself up. Something is dreadfully wrong, here. Especially since I say 'Get Fuu', but it sounds like I actually mutter, "Eat shit." Maybe my hearing is off. Maybe what I've been dreading for a while is finally coming true. I've gone insane, and my particular insanity has a very stark resemblance to Mugen's personality.
Something is kicking me in the head. "Oi! Quit trying to die. I haven't even begun to kill you yet!"
Mugen disappears. Things go a bit hazy. I can hear the water. I know it's close, but for some reason, the sky seems closer. I try to lift my hand to push the sky away, but movement just makes my head swim. I'm on the ground. There's a cricket somewhere with an obnoxiously loud chirp trying to keep me from being blissfully asleep.
"Jin!" I wish Fuu's head would stay in one place. "Jin, what's wrong? Are you injured? Mugen, what did you do to him?"
"Don't blame me. Whatever's wrong with him, he did it to his goddamn self."
There's a pressure on my forehead. Cold. "He's got a fever."
A fever? How improbable. I've never been sick in my life. Obviously, someone poisoned me. Hm. There's Fuu's face again. She looks upset. This is going to put another hitch in her trip, I guess. First I lose the map, and now this. Maybe I can trick her into leaving me here. "I'm alright, Fuu."
"That's not even going to work this time, you idiot. Why didn't you tell us you were sick?"
Frankly, I didn't know. And, even if I did, what was I supposed to say about it? It's not like we're within range of a doctor. I guess, if I at least realized it, maybe I'd try to wander off somewhere and take care of it, myself...
Oh, wait. I did try to wander off somewhere. How odd. It's just a coincidence, though. Surely, just a coincidence.
"Mugen, you know anything that's good for a fever?"
"Alcohol and a swift kick in the head will help him pass out and sleep it off. We don't got any alcohol, but if you want me to kick him in the head..."
"Be serious!"
"Well, what do you want from me?"
"I don't know. Get some medicinal herbs or something." Fuu grabs my hand. It's an odd sensation. Any other time, I'd feel uncomfortable about it. But, right now, it's almost reassuring. "It's going to be alright, Jin."
There's a look in Fuu's eyes, a look of terror. Someone close to her... Someone must have died of some sort of fever. You can tell. I know fear like I know the hilt of my katana.
I don't like fear coming from Fuu. It's not right. It just makes me feel worse. Already, I've hurt her. Already, I've begun to hurt someone else. I've got to try to get myself together. So she won't be afraid. I let go of her hand, and then force myself to sit up. "I just need rest." Rest, and for the world to stop spinning. I lurch to the side a bit. How undignified.
"If you think I'm going to carry him back to camp, you're dead wrong."
"Mugen! I told you to get some medicinal herbs."
"Hey. I don't know if you remember or not, but I'm not from here! I don't know any damn Japanese medicinal herbs. Fuck. I don't even know any Ryukyuuan medicinal herbs."
I finally make it to my feet. Fuu stands, too, and offers to let me lean on her. But, that's too awkward, due to the difference in our heights. Besides, she's tiny. I'd be worried that I'd fall on her, which would be both painful, and rather indecent. It's just a fever, after all. I continue to wonder how this happened. I'm still putting my money on poison.
I make it half way back to camp, and then I collapse.
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My parents died of consumption. Many people do. I was not there when they died. They'd already sent me away to live with a family friend, a man who had studied kenjutsu with my father, and who now owned his own dojo. Even as young as I was, I knew they were dying, and that I would never see them again. But, I didn't cry when I left with Mariya-sensei. I didn't want my parents to know that I knew how sick they were. I wanted them to think I was ignorant, so they wouldn't worry about me being upset over something they could not change.
At first, I studied kenjutsu because I was angry with my parents for leaving me alone in the world. There is no better way to constructively remove anger from your system than practicing shinai swings until your hands are raw and blistered. It is difficult to shake your fist at the sky when you've worked your arm muscles into throbbing pulp.
Then, I studied kenjutsu because I figured that if I didn't succeed, sensei would send me away. After I realized that he had no intention of getting rid of me, I still continued to study kenjutsu.
Because, by then, I had nothing else.
Sometimes, I have this recurring dream. I'm watching sensei fight, fight for real. Some two-bit thugs have been beating up on one of the poorer students. I guess he'd gone into debt to some money-lenders, and couldn't pay. They chase him to the dojo, and that's when sensei steps into the fray. He tells them to leave, that only students of the dojo were allowed to fight there. They don't listen.
How fast he was... So fast. So immediate. He kills them before I can even finish one breath and take another. I can only stare at the three men laying in the courtyard, their blood leaking into the dirt, pooling in the footprints of absent students. I know, I know I should be horrified, but I am thrilled. I am awed. The incredible magnitude of the power of the katana has never been so clear.
Justice. Law. Honor. It all rests on the blade. Righteousness. Courage. Strength. These things exist in their purest form only in the moment that a swordsman decides to live on the precipice between life and death.
The next day, the student who fled to the dojo for protection is expelled from the school. "The blood of your error is on my hands," Sensei tells the youth, "A man should not borrow money if he can not repay. It is better that he should fall into squalor with his pride than live comfortably in shame. You are no longer welcome here."
Those words. Those words. How could sensei forget his own words? Better that the Mujuu Shinken Dojo fall into squalor with pride, than live comfortably as morally bankrupt assassins in shame. How could he forget?
Sensei literally turns his back on the young man. As do we all, following sensei's example. Still, the student begs and pleads sensei's forgiveness. And when none is forthcoming, that student commits seppuku in the courtyard whilst the entire school pointedly ignores his existence.
All of us, except for me.
I turn back around, and I watch.
And, I'm still watching, in my dream. Watching a young man, whose name I've long forgotten, stare at sensei's back as he kneels in the dirt. I'm watching as he draws his wakizashi, and begs that sensei forgive him for disgracing the school with his actions. I do not turn away when he draws open his yukata, and plunges the blade into his gut.
I'm watching as he falls to the ground, his cheek pressed to the dirt, his eyes still turned toward the engawa in the hopes that sensei will spare him one last look, that in his final moments, sensei will tell him he has done the right thing. I watch as he waits for forgiveness...
Which never comes.
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In Our Next Chapter: Jin's fever-induced dreams have him trapped in the past. Will his friends be able to save him? Will they ever find their way out of the forest? And who is this strange old woman? Stay tuned for more!
Special thanks to all the reviewers and readers! I'm glad you're enjoying the story, because I sure am enjoying writing it. I know it's not the most romantic or exciting story around, so just the fact that you've given it a chance means a lot to me.
Special thanks to: peeps, foxmagic, Maria, Phi-dono, Rashaka, en route, don'tbreakme, and Darkness-ninja!
