Feel

Chibi: --big shiny eyes-- Wai, Yukimura-kun (Prince of Tennis) has such a pretty voice! And he's so pretty—I thought he was someone's sister!

Wildwolf: You're going to blast out your eardrums if you leave the music up like that.

Koko ni ima mo nokoru

Atsui omoi

Namiutsu jounetsu no kodou ga

Oshieru yo

Fukaku hibiite

Hontou no kokoro wo

"Shinjitsu," Yukimura Seiichi, Prince of Tennis

Inserted for no real reason, just because it sounds pretty. Really pretty. As in, I listen to it over and over. As in, I need a life. As in, screw it, it is my life.

I also remember that I tried to make an end-of-series Yami Yuugi/Yuugi-centric AMV to Linkin Park's In The End. It didn't work very well. I deleted it.

Wildwolf: YOU DELETED IT! After bitc—complaining about it and working on it for that long!

Chibi: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees… --eyes roll back in head-- Keeeeeeeh! --falls to the floor and spasms--

Wildwolf: … --pokes her with a stick-- Sad thing is: she actually does these things in real life. The sick thing is: her family is used to it.

Chibi: --

To Ai Baka-san Austra: I'm glad you liked the fic! The word, "gaydar," I actually picked up from an episode of Will & Grace. I know it's a slang term from somewhere! I think I also read it in a K.A. Applegate book… somewhere. But please don't get in trouble when your grounded! It's icky to live through. (I'm actually grounded, as well…)

And I had lots of fun in Florida. I won't have fun with the make-up work, however. And we sucked at contest. But our drumline won first in their division in a worldwide competition. GO DRUMLINE!

MORE SPOILERS.


Chapter 4

Happiness


Tuesday

Everyone knows that Yuugi-kun, Jounouchi-kun, and Kaiba-kun can duel quite well, right? That they can kick the asses off every other person in Japan? If not, then they should know, and now everyone who is reading this and did not know now does.

Yuugi-kun was good, even without Atem. That was proven in the ceremonial match. (1) All three of them got through the first round quite easily. And as some laughing divine entity, or, as Otogi-kun has put it, 'stupid evil divine scriptwriter,' Haga-kun went against Yuugi-kun and Ryuuzaki-kun, against Jounouchi-kun. Yes, that divine scriptwriter was probably having a hell of a time with me and everyone else here.

We got damn good seats. I liked the seats. They had padding.

Heh, even Courtney-san put down her book to watch. If you see a good Duel Monsters game, you have to watch.

"Bakura-kun," Honda-kun turned to me, "have you been alright lately?"

"Yeah." I nodded. You know, ignoring the random fevers and such and that I found out that I'm gay. Other than that, I've had one of the greatest times in my life! And look, no sign of Death hovering above me! (Actually, this was probably the greatest time of my life, since it had yet to end up in my untimely demise and/or one or more of my friends becoming comatose. I do not think that they would like to be vegetables.)

Am I starting to sound like Otogi-kun? Someone slap me.

How much had I changed since, well, two days ago, when we arrived? It seemed impossible that this had been such a short amount of time because so much had happened. Not necessarily (though I guess possibly) on the physical level, but mentally and emotionally.

"Kaiba-kun isn't doing anything bad to you, is he?"

I wanted to laugh at that. It could have implied so much. In fact, it probably was an implication, but I didn't really care. "No, in fact, he's someone you can talk to at times." I blushed suddenly. What was I saying? "I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. And he," insert, irritated strange noises here, "I don't know," I concluded finally.

I felt that I could talk to Honda-kun, if you could classify my babbling quasi-speech as talk. Out of Yuugi-tachi, I probably got along with him best. We were both little cheerleaders and, no offense to Anzu-chan, but he was easier to talk to. Honda-kun really did care about what happened to people and it was nice to have someone do that once in a while.

He nodded. "I think I understand."

Understand what? That Kaiba-kun could be talked to? It may have seemed impossible, but the concept wasn't too hard to understand, was it? Maybe I was just weird. I could affirm that. Maybe he interpreted the irritated noises that I made.

Did he know something I didn't?


There were some crappy duelists at the tournament. I probably could have defeated them myself, without the help of Yami Bakura.

Will not feel empty pain; I will not, I refuse.

Perhaps, lately, I had been more emotions than I should.

And perhaps the reason that I thought that those people couldn't duel could have been that I was used to watching Yuugi-kun, Jounouchi-kun, and Kaiba-kun duel. Everyone seemed novice when compared to them.

I should have brought my reading with me. What was really amusing, though, was that the longest duels so far were between the other duelists. Yuugi-kun, Jounouchi-kun, and Kaiba-kun defeated their opponents easily. Yuugi-kun and Kaiba-kun were on opposite sides of the elimination chart. Assuming all three won all of their matches, Yuugi-kun and Jounouchi-kun would meet up for the semifinals and Kaiba-kun would duel with whoever won that for the finals. It would probably be Yuugi-kun and Yuugi-kun would most likely win, no offense to Kaiba-kun. Perhaps it was better for his ego when he didn't duel. But as I mentioned before, all three of them were real duelists and not likely to back down or give up, let alone for good.

Those traits were admirable.

I still wondered about what Honda-kun said earlier. It bothered me and I could not confront him about it without looking stupid. I had done enough of that already, thank you.

"And Kaiba Seto advances to the final round!" The announcer had to yell this over the roar of applause. Mokuba-kun was pumping his fist in the air, but I do not think that there was any doubt.

I looked at Kaiba-kun. As he did yesterday, he seemed more definite, and yet elevated to a godlike status as the platform lowered and spotlight followed him. And yet, after being able to talk to him, he seemed a lot more human. It was some odd paradox of a demigod. My heart did not speed up this time and I felt so disturbingly calm that it felt perfectly natural.

I stood up and went by the window to get a better view for the next match—Yuugi-kun versus Jounouchi-kun. But I watched Kaiba-kun exit as well. As he headed out of the ring, he looked up at the box we were in. I could have sworn he made eye contact with me, but that was doubtful, considering that we were high up and barely able to make the people out from this level.

I blushed anyway.

"Seto's coming up here now!" Mokuba literally jumped over his own seat to wait by the door. Kaiba-kun was coming up now, wasn't he? He wouldn't be needed anymore tonight, seeing as the finals were tomorrow.

That oddly reminded me that it was late at night. I was sleepy. I decided to sit down—the television sets would show me enough.

Kaiba-kun came through the door. Mokuba-kun congratulated him on winning the match, though Kaiba-kun did not see it as something worthy of praise, or so it seemed from his facial expressions. He looked at each of us and decided to sit with a seat between him and I. Well, at least he preferred my company than, well, Honda-kun and the American siblings. Or perhaps there were no more seats on that side.

Mokuba-kun ran off to continue the conversation interrupted by his random leap to the door earlier.

"Bonkotsu duelist," he mumbled, "why do they even bother having this match?"

"Well," I spoke up, "Jounouchi-kun has been getting better. He came very close to beating Atem before." Will not let old wounds open, will not let old mental wounds concerning Yami Bakura open.

I was used, at least to some degree, to protecting Jounouchi-kun's honor or whatever from whatever sneering remark that Kaiba-kun made. I did so in Duelist Kingdom, and after that, I barely got to see Kaiba-kun, so no more opportunities occurred.

This was the side of him that made me surprised that I was not repulsed whenever I saw him. This was the side that made me wonder why I became attracted, the side that, in my mind, could not be the Kaiba-kun that I spoke to last night.

Kaiba Seto was an enigmatic person. He could verbally abuse people to the point of tears and he could do something so cruel as to seriously threaten to kill himself for a purpose. He could put others on the front lines and he could be so selfishly selfless as to leave himself a wide-open target for the sake of saving his loved one. Did he realize how Mokuba-kun would feel if his brother died to save him? Kaiba-kun had a tendency, from what I had experienced and heard, to jump into a situation without thinking out what may happen to other people, or himself. He had a tendency to use his own self as a scapegoat in certain situations. He would checkmate himself by using his king as a pawn.

I need to clear up my diction, though stay on the same train of thought.

I imagined that both of the brothers have had to fight to stay together, though I only knew the basic story, which I have been told. Kaiba-kun didn't actually tell me about himself. That would open an old wound that he was desperately hiding like a scarred wrist under a watch or sleeve. I told him about myself, though that bled me.

I, however, had become cold to the pains that old memories gave while Kaiba-kun fed on them passionately to drive himself towards whatever his ultimate goal may have been.

"I still know the outcome of this match."

I nodded. I think we all (except the American siblings) did. Hell, I think even Jounouchi-kun did. But he would fight anyway in order to improve, and then just maybe he would reach the nest pedestal. He could continue to dream of reaching that shining light above his head with one outstretched arm. He could fight his way to that light in his own way, no matter whether he knew that some battles were an inevitable loss or not.

Because real duelists don't back down.

Someday, that day would have to come what Jounouchi-kun would surpass Yuugi-kun. I could very easily see that happen, and with each duel, he gets closer. Now if only he could reach that light shining so high up there.

Back to thinking about Kaiba-kun: Why was it that when I was around him, I suddenly became calm and contemplative? At least, as of late—I could never let myself forget how embarrassed I was two days ago, though it seemed much longer.

I had changed so much in that amount of time.

I think I had finally accepted something about myself. I was attracted to that person, no matter how I may have tried to turn my thoughts. I was beginning to like something about him that he never showed anybody and I had only glimpsed for ephemeral moments at a time.

So yeah, I was most definitely gay. Ah well, I couldn't really do anything about it but live with it, ne?


Would it surprise anyone to say that Yuugi-kun won? Jounouchi-kun almost beat him. Really, he almost did. But Yuugi-kun still won and he would go against Kaiba-kun tomorrow.

The house was a long walking distance away, but that was fine. It felt nice outside anyway and the skies were clear, so stars could be seen.

"You dueled very well." I tried to strike up a conversation with Kaiba-kun while Jounouchi-kun verbally replayed his match against Yuugi-kun to everyone else. Ryuuzki-kun and Haga-kun mumbled loudly about various things, mostly concerning their respective opponents. I thought Mokuba-kun and Conner-san were talking about the American version of Duel Monsters. I thought so, at least, because I still did not know English terribly well.

"It was an easy match."

Well, I knew that. "Nn, good luck on your match tomorrow."

"Does that mean that you want me to win over Yuugi-kun?" I was glad the others were a good deal ahead of us, suddenly.

I didn't know how to answer that. I tried anyway, which was probably very stupid of me. "Well, ah," I was also glad that it was dark, so my blush would not be so obvious, "as long as it's a good game, ne?" Ah, how could this person tongue-tie me so easily?

A thought hit me when my mind wandered during the middle of Yuugi-kun and Jounouchi-kun's match: just because I was gay didn't mean that Kaiba-kun was as well. My feelings could be for nothing and I wouldn't be able to tell his orientation without verification because obviously you needed some sort of premium membership to have a working gaydar.

I should assume that he was straight.

But it really didn't matter; I felt that I wanted to do something that would make him happy, at least. Then maybe he would accept me as a friend and I would be satisfied with just that. Yeah, if I could do something that made him happy.

But I still didn't actually like him, no.

When I was younger, I was afraid to ever be happy. Happiness was usually taken away from me by a certain Spirit of the Sennen Ring. Happiness usually took the form of a friend that would end up in a coma a few days later. So I learned that happiness was just the forerunning of fear and depression.

I wondered if Kaiba-kun was afraid to be happy like I was. He seemed like it sometimes.

I made a few annoyed sounds under my breath, not knowing how to continue, but wanting to do so. I wasn't even sure quite what I was trying to get out of this conversation, just for the sake of making conversation.

"Yuugi-kun isn't trying to use you to get me into your little circle of friends, is he?" Kaiba-kun asked bluntly, as if he could read my mind (to a degree) and was trying to supply his own reason. It would be seriously creepy if he could read minds. Then I'd wear a foil hat or something and look even more idiotic. I really did not need any help on that.

"No," I shook my head. "I just wanted to make conversation on my own." Did you know exactly how much your brother worries about you? Of course, I couldn't ask him that, for fear of being found a few days later in little pieces in the walls of an apartment complex three miles away. "Though sometimes," I continued without reason, "I feel a little distanced from them as well." Such as the distance between them and us right now.

He had no response.

We were silent the rest of the way. Sometimes I could catch snatches of conversation from ahead or sounds from day two of the festival, but that was it.

When we arrived back at the house, I decided that I would take a bath in the morning because I was too tired at the time. Mokuba-kun went to raid a snack, as if Namakura-san would not just feed him anyway, and Kaiba-kun grabbed a change of clothes so that he could go shower. I imagined that the spotlights that were on him and the others that whole time must have been hot.

He opened the sliding door and stopped. The colored outdoor lanterns glinted off his hair and eyes with multi-colored glows. "You're not…" he paused, "you're not displeasing to talk to, I suppose." He closed the door and his silhouette walked away.

Yeah, I couldn't help but smile, once again. He was doing that to me more and more lately. Lately being only the past twenty-four hours, but again, it seemed so much longer than that.

Was I beginning to like him? I had no experience concerning the subject before, so there was nothing to compare it to. I could only grope blindly for a thought to cling to and call it truth. Was Courtney-san psychic or was I obvious? Was this what Honda-kun was trying to suggest? Was he psychic as well? Maybe they should start a club.

Why was I so happy? Because he complimented my speaking skills? That was ironic, since I did horribly whenever we had to do class presentations and he knew it. Was it because he complimented me? Probably and most likely.

It was a little scary in that it seemed normal enough. If I actually went along and didn't scrutinize myself, I felt perfectly… normal. It was when I stopped to think about it that I became nervous, such as when I actually thought about being attracted to him.

Perhaps I was just bipolar. That would explain a lot.

But to be able to keep these feelings of happiness, I would just have to trust myself and go blindly forward once again without thought, and hope that it was still truth.

In short, I just had to face what came.


Wednesday

Though the bath in Namakura-san's home was made like the baths of many older homes and for more than one person, I found the thought of bathing alone more pleasant than with many people.

That was why five-thirty in the morning found me in the bathroom, hurriedly trying to clean myself before anyone else got it in their minds to bathe this early in the morning. I mean, come on, you had to be crazy to get up this early to bathe on a holiday, right?

That was exactly why I was there.

You know, after looking over myself in the mirror, perhaps the reason that I liked taking baths alone was because my figure was a lot more feminine than the other guys.

It was pretty bad that I could actually admit that to myself, too. Hell, there went self-esteem down the toilet.

I dressed and tied by hair back so that it wouldn't get all of my clothes wet. Quietly, I made my way back to my room. Namakura-san was starting to poke around the kitchen, or at least I assumed that it was her. I slid the door of my room open quietly. Mokuba-kun was sprawled, half-under his blanket, just as he had been when I left. Kaiba-kun, however, was now on his computer (not where I left him). We looked at each other, both with incredulous looks on our faces.

"Did I wake you up?" I asked in a whispered tone.

He shook his head. "No," he answered in a normal voice, "I usually wake up around this time."

"Mm." I sat on my mat.

"Don't worry about waking Mokuba up. He's a deep sleeper."

I found that funny because Kaiba-kun also seemed like a deep sleeper. Granted, one that never slept, but deep nonetheless.

I wanted to make some joking commentary, but decided otherwise.

There was a silence that made me nervous. I remembered his comment last night that he didn't find it displeasing to talk to me. Why didn't I want to strike up conversation now? Probably because he was working. Or something. It would be anticlimactic to find him playing computer games.

"Mokuba-kun mentioned going to the festival tonight, in order to celebrate whoever happened to win," I commented offhandedly. I felt fidgety.

"Hm."

I wanted to ask him if he just wanted to talk again tonight as we did the first time. However, this would have been incredibly bold and out of character for me. It also would have, well, probably resulted in my body being found in the walls of an apartment complex three miles away.

So instead, I pulled out my book, which I was making very little progress on. Of course, my mind was not quite on my task at the moment, so progression was difficult. My excuse was that it was in English, and we all know what I think about the English language.

It's love and hugs and puppies.

Before I could defenestrate the book through the non-existent window, I stopped thinking about my opinion on the English languages and decided the think on the words. Don't think on what I felt about the words, just on translating them.

You know, the sad thing was, I was good at English in elementary school. You know, back when the hardest words were "dog" and "cat" and the only thing I could do with my life was study because everyone hated me? Friends were a distraction. Granted, a distraction that I would never want to lose, but I can still blame them for my deficient English, ne?

Never mind, I just stopped caring. That was never a good mood to read with. Nonetheless, I spent the next forty-five minutes reading and comprehending. Then it was breakfast time.

Mokuba-kun sat up sleepily, and I swore that the faint smell of food had triggered some sort of reaction that made him wake up. Maybe he was really the one with the dog-like nose who could smell food a mile off. That would be a useful magical skill to have, especially if you were lost in the woods somewhere. Then again, I was not quite sure how much 'woods' there was in Japan. We kind of weren't big on the natural resource thing.

Now, back to the hotcakes and Mokuba-kun's waking knowledge of the said hotcakes. Maybe the hotcakes or whatever was calling to Mokuba-kun in his sleep. They were magical hotcakes, here to save me from having to face the reality of myself, and the English language.

Sorry, but I really did not like English. Insert mental twitching here—wait, food. Food equals yummy. I was hungry, in case you could not notice.

"Seto, come eat breakfast."

Kaiba-kun just made an aggravated noise that sounded more like some nondescript noise that I would make when Jounouchi-kun or Honda-kun stole some of my lunch. I wanted to laugh, but I also wanted to live.

"Seto." Mokuba-kun articulated both syllables in his brother's name. Looking at his face, I saw a frown there. It wasn't a serious frown, it was more of a teasing one, though it was concerned, nonetheless.

"Kaiba-kun," I decided to point out, taking advantage of the lighter situation, "now would be the best time to get food. Jounouchi-kun will be up in about half an hour, I believe."

I wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut as he stared at his computer screen. I will give myself some credit in that he had stopped typing.

"Fine." He stood swiftly and stepped into his slippers. I wanted to giggle because Kaiba Seto in his slippers just seemed funny. Never mind that I had already seen it before. It was still funny right then, perhaps more than usual. Ignore the fact that I tended to be easily amused at times.

Maybe sharing a room with these two was not so bad of an idea after all. I looked back at my initial reactions to who my roommates would be and smiled inwardly. I had been so judgmental.

He opened the door and was about to step out. "Are the two coming?" He asked over his shoulder. My heart started beating quickly again.

"Yeah." Mokuba-kun put his slippers on.

I had no choice but to follow.

"Yes, me too."

I had the urge then to see Kaiba-kun smile. I had slighter forms of this urge, to do something that made him content, at least, before, but now I really wanted to see him smile. I wondered just how bright and dazzling it would be, if he smiled for real and at me.

That settled it: I really was pathetic.


(1) I may have referenced this already, but the last bit of Yugioh is the Ceremonial Battle when Yuugi-kun and Yami no Yuugi seriously go against each other. Yuugi-kun won on his own strength and not due to a handicap. Then he felt horrible for winning. And there was that stupid, STUPID door slamming shut with Egypt people on the other side. --screeches and runs around--

Wildwolf: And she actually did that when she watched it.

VOCABULARY TIME!

Defenestrate- the act of throwing something out of a window. Most people tend to think that it is along the lines of 'castrate,' but people make similar mistakes with the word, 'masticate,' ne?


I wanted to make an outline of what I'm writing, but that would screw me up. Seriously, everything on here is coming from nothing. The only pre-planned event was the tournament. I hate writing duels. Hence why I didn't. --

These chapters are seriously getting shorter and shorter.

I wish that they had Yugioh character songs. Tsuda Kenjirou, the person who played Seto, has a really good singing voice, as listening to Prince of Tennis made me realize. His voice makes me feel gooey and happy. I wanna hear Seto sing. I also want to hear Ryou and Mokuba sing, but that's beside the point. I already know what Honda would sound like (damn it, he REALLY can sing…), as well as Jounouchi, but ah well. I still want songs by them!

And I am making a lot of the same jokes that I made in Violets and Emeralds. I've also been contemplating the word, "bluenette" for the past… however many minutes. It's a word that I've come across many, many times in the Shaman King section. It does describe Horohoro. He has naturally blue hair. Bluenette. I giggle. I giggle like Johnny the Homocidal Maniac (copyright Jhonen Vasquez until fifty years after his death).

Is it wrong to try to fluff a chapter to over 60 KB by adding in weird character mental ramblings?

AND THIS MAY NOT BE UPDATED FOR A WHILE! I have writer's block on chapter 5… --tries to chip it away--