Feel


Chibi: Need… soda… need… to play… Final Fantasy 7 (I am so behind on the times…)… need… Final Fantasy Advent Children… --dies--

Wildwolf: We're trudging along. Actually, by the time you read this, it will probably almost be time for Chibi to graduate, assuming she gets off her ass and does her physics homework.

Chibi: --spazzes-- Miss Watts says I'll pass! YOU are the monkey king! --runs off to get soda--

Wildwolf: Well, we can either work on this or use our one day of time between English books to read The Green Mile by Stephen King. Good book. Really simple diction compared to One Hundred Years of Solitude and Sometimes a Great Notion. And Ivanhoe. And Wuthering Heights. And Beowulf, which makes horrible summer reading. We liked the Count of Monte Cristo, though. Didn't finish it, but liked it.

Chibi: Enough rambling. I feel my super Chibi powers coming back to me. --plays random music that she has recently become obsessed with-- Now, if we touch our magical prom key rings together, we will become defenders of justice! --makes super humming noises--

Wildwolf: Just write already.

Chibi: --is chastised--


Chapter 5

Conflicted


Wednesday

To say that I felt conflicted would be a correct statement. I would not go so far as to over-romanticize myself and say that it was an understatement, because that was how I really felt. I wanted Yuugi-kun to win because Yuugi-tachi had been my friends for a while now, and good friends. But now, these… things that I have felt for Kaiba-kun lately, attraction or whatever, have made me side with him as well. Either way I felt a bit of guilt. It hurt. Why could I not have my sides chosen so easily like everybody else? And if I was not on either side, why could I not be so indifferent as the American siblings? Ah, but that was because I had personal ties to these people and because I did care.

It was three in the afternoon when we began walking from Namakura-san's home to the stadium (okay, so stadium is a bad word, but that was the gist of it). I was contemplating that whole walk on who it was I felt stronger emotions for. I wanted so badly to answer that it was Yuugi-kun that I was more attached to because he was my friend, but thoughts of Kaiba-kun filled my head.

I also had the odd feeling that I was making too much of these emotions by thinking about them, so therefore making the emotions more than they really were. But then again, I had never liked anyone before, so oh well.

I seemed to keep changing my views on the key question: did I like Kaiba-kun?

To answer is a little challenging, for myself, at least. When he acted like his normal self, I wanted to slap him or something of the sort. Those actions generally note negative emotions, of which the emotion of 'like' would not belong. However, whenever Kaiba-kun opened up, for I realize that those rare glimpses were what he really was, I… see, this was where it got hard. I did like that part of him. I was finally able to admit to myself that the gentler, open side of Kaiba-kun was something becoming almost dear to me, something I yearned to see, to experience again.

Perhaps I was now over-romanticizing.

The hardest part of this was getting to where he would show emotion to me. Were it not for this little situation, forced proximity, and the unlikely conversation, I would still see him as a cold, distant person. However, Kaiba Seto-kun did have passionate emotions. They were just difficult to find and, quite frankly, I had yet and would probably never be able to feel them.

So, Kaiba-kun was attractive and I liked how he acted about 10-percent of the time. Wow, that just seemed… odd. As for just how physically attracted I was to him, well, I thought he was really handsome. It was difficult to imagine kissing him, for I knew that that would never happen, and I was not ready to think on that level. The most touch we had was when he removed the leaf or whatever it was from my hair. We had a no-touch relationship.

Actually, we had no relationship. All of this was noted for myself, and for no reason, since we were under the assumption that he was straight.

I was also still a little scared of everybody finding out. And somehow, I had started to do the stupid thing and nurture these emotions and my attraction. I was setting myself up for heartache, which I needed to stop.

Maybe I should have just cheered for Yuugi-kun. I needed to forget the fact that I was beginning to like Kaiba-kun, lest I hurt worse than any mental wounds of losing Yami Bakura.

On the subject of Yami Bakura, since I needed something to get my conscious thoughts off Kaiba-kun… during the time that he (Yami Bakura) was with me, we gained some sort of bond. Most people think that the only bond that there could have been was the type between Yuugi-kun and Yami no Yuugi, but I would say otherwise. Yami Bakura and I came to some sort of understanding, though not quite a compromise. He used my body, tried to kill people, and I sat back in my soul room and watched. As I said, it wasn't quite a compromise. But I knew, when I had my own body, that if I was in serious danger, that he would save me. I did not love him, seeing as I mentioned that I had never felt any feelings above the friendship level before. We just lived this existence together in the same body, and perhaps I was his perfect host, for I gave no real resistance.

We did have a bond, though, on some level. Just… a mutual understanding, perhaps. A symbiotic relationship, if you will. We were both alone. When he was here, though he used me, I felt safer. Perhaps I was trying to fill this hole of insecurity with someone else, and perhaps that was where Kaiba-kun came in, since they did reflect each other in some strange way of mannerisms, but I did not want to even think that that thought could have been true.

I was rambling again.

"This is going to be a great duel!" Mokuba voiced excitedly. It probably would be. ((Note: Too bad the author doesn't type duels.)) No matter who won, there would be a huge crowd happy for it. I wondered if Kaiba-kun really did care whether he won or not. I knew that to Yuugi-kun, a duel was a duel and to be a match between friends, no matter who the opponent. Kaiba-kun, however, never really cared about facing regular Mutou Yuugi-kun, as I have mentioned before.

Then again, Kaiba-kun is the type that has to win no matter what. It hurts his ego, otherwise.

The thought came across my mind that Yuugi-kun could possibly throw the duel because of that. But, then I realized the absurdity of that thought. Yuugi-kun had too much pride and honor as a duelist to do that. He knew that Kaiba-kun would only want to win against him if he played at his fullest. And, well, Kaiba-kun could, and probably would, take it as an insult if his opponent did not play against him at full strength. He would think that they were mocking him. In fact, I think this may have happened before, back at Duelist Kingdom… and any non-magical person who decided to do that would probably end up in pieces in the walls of an apartment complex three miles away.

I will stop thinking there. Ooh, that was a pretty tree.

People are probably wondering as to why I ramble. I myself do not know. It is just how my thoughts come across. I apologize if it confuses some. But then again, it's your fault for reading my mind. Go find someone more interesting to screw around with.

Kaiba-kun was walking up in front of everyone else. He seems to enjoy leading people, even in situations so trivial as walking in a group. At least, he seemed to enjoy it as much as anything that did not involve Duel Monsters and a thoroughly beaten opponent begging him for mercy. I wondered if he had a bondage fetish. Light, nothing hardco—wait a second! Oh kami-sama, I was not just thinking that! What the hell is wrong with me! Bad, bad perverted Ryou! Ah!

I was blushing very hotly as I erased the images that came forth from my mind as quickly as I could. I swear I stopped just short of performing some sort of Shinto purification ritual on my head. That would be a sight. Do they even do those?

Oh, look, the tournament place. Hee, my mind wanders a little too well.

No more fetishes.

We stopped, for we arrived at the place where the combatants and their followers split. Jounouchi-kun, Honda-kun, and the American siblings wished Yuugi-kun luck. Mokuba-kun grinned good-naturedly at his brother and told him to win.

"Um… g-good luck," I said quietly to Kaiba-kun because I was close enough. I knew that my cheeks were pink, but for some reason, I felt that it did not matter. This scared me, as I noticed when I looked back on it later that day, but at that time, it really did not matter.

I was stupid enough to wonder why.


"The life point count is down to one-hundred each!" The loudspeaker blared at us when, I assure you, I could see the scores quite clearly for myself.

I didn't know why, but I felt a little agitated. Maybe there was something in the drinks. Everyone else was agitated. Okay, so that may be because of the duel, so I will discontinue that subject.

On the field, Yuugi-kun had his Black Magician and two facedown cards. Kaiba-kun had a single Blue Eyes White Dragon and one facedown card. Either could easily have been finished off by a direct damage card, but both Duelists were above even having those in their decks, unlike many of the other Duelists earlier (in fact, a couple of duels would have probably been perfect wins, were it not for direct damage cards). But then again, these two probably would have finished the said other Duelists off before it became a matter of hundreds of life points.

Even at the brink of the end, I did not know whom I preferred to give the victory to. I knew that it was not my choice, but I meant that by who I would prefer to see win it. That bothered me. I felt so conflicted once again. My heart was pounding so deeply. Those with clearly defined preferences were silent, watching. It was so close a match, Yuugi-kun's turn. He attacked and we held our breaths. I did not know it at that time, but later, I realized that I was holding my hands clenched to my chest. Kaiba-kun unveiled a trap card, not the Holy Barrier, as one would assume, but one that switched the attack to the attacker's lowest level monster, which was Black Magician, seeing as that was his only monster. Yuugi-kun then overturned a trap card that halved his given damage (500) and sent the other half to his opponent (250).

It was a tie. Fairly fought, it was a tie between Yuugi-kun and Kaiba-kun. Why did I suddenly feel so relieved? Probably because that means that I did not have to choose. Perhaps the divine scriptwriter, or whatever, or whoever, was apologizing for screwing up my life thus far. If so, then I accept the apology. Though most likely it was just coincidence.

We met the combatants at the exit. They were surrounded by the gaming media, who were asking questions about this and that, mostly dueling. Lights from cameras were flashing. I bet the hotels around here were making a fortune. Yuugi-kun answered out of politeness, though one could tell that he really did want to escape (I, personally, couldn't blame him). Kaiba-kun looked used to it, but just refused to answer anyway. After all, he went to press conferences. He ignored the press members and began walking towards our group. The crowds began to part for him, still calling questions in hopes of receiving answers. Yuugi-kun used the wake behind Kaiba-kun to his advantage and followed. I found this vaguely amusing, though not something to be voiced at that time. I like living sometimes. There is emphasis on the 'sometimes.'

"Hey, good job, guys." Honda-kun congratulated. Jounouchi-kun started yelling… something. I was never quite sure what he was he was saying half the time. It may have had meaning, it may have been unintelligible gibberish, or he may have been speaking in tongues. I could never tell.

Kaiba-kun had to walk past me to reach his brother. "Congratulations," I said without planning to do so, "on a great duel." I did not want to say that, I realized. However, it was too late and I would have to face the consequences.

He paused and I feared a glare that did not come. "I did not win," he answered simply, yet intensely, "so there is no reason to congratulate me. Talk to Yuugi-kun if you wish to do praise without meaning."

It hurt when he said that. I felt my heart sink and my eyes lower. He probably meant for it to sting, but for some reason, I think it did on some level that even he did not understand. Damn him. Why did I like him, in any way? "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Don't apologize," he said back, quite curtly.

For some reason, that made me feel a little better. I was not quite sure why, nor did I think that I would ever some to understand many of the quirks that made up Kaiba Seto-kun.


We were left alone again. I was not sure why, but it seemed like someone was arranging for that to happen. My first guess would be a scriptwriter, but I will cease.

We ate dinner at Namakura-san's after the duel. She prepared a special meal (which, well, I thought all her meals previous were special, but wow). It was at this time that I learned that Kaiba-kun did not like fish.

"Kaiba-kun do you want to try some of this?" I indicated some sushi that was more on my side of the table. I was feeling bolder because of the festive noise. That tended to have the mentioned affect on people. I was usually unaffected, but maybe someone spiked the tea.

"No," he answered simply.

"Nii-sama doesn't like fish," Mokuba added for him. The sushi that I indicated happened to be salmon.

"Really?" So, Kaiba-kun was human after all! He hid it very well, sometimes, most times. Kaiba-kun did not answer. Perhaps he thought that I would find it odd that there was a such thing as a Japanese person who did not like some sort of seafood. In case of that, I decided to add, "well, I don't like seafood that much, either." It was true, I did not like oysters or clams or anything like that. I just did not like the taste for some reason.

Somehow, one thing led to another after this conversation and when we went back to the Golden Week festival as Mokuba-kun had planned, Kaiba-kun and I were left alone. One would think that Mokuba-kun would want to follow his brother around, but I supposed not. He ran off to play the ring toss with the other guys.

I must have given off psychic waves or something, because Kaiba-kun answered my unsaid question, "Mokuba likes being around people." And you did not. I felt that, once again, I was about to be thrown into a situation with a humanized Kaiba-kun who would leave me more confused and more conflicted than ever before. I wondered if that was a good thing. I liked that Kaiba-kun that was seeming to come out now, when we were alone like this, but some sane part of me wondered if it was a good idea to look forward to having such free talks with him if I knew that nothing would come out of it.

I read once in a philosophy book that, while humans claim to be logic-centered, we are really based completely on our emotions. I do believe this, even when considering Kaiba-kun. Why else, other than emotion, would he be able to pull such stupid, selfish, selfless stunts at Duelist Kingdom? It was not our strict Asian honor, it was love for his brother. It was emotion. How has Jounouchi-kun been able to survive in the game for so long? Emotion. It was due to one hell of a lot of luck as well, but still, emotion.

How could I be so ambivalent, conflicted, and in a state of confusion so constantly on this trip? Emotion. Far too many emotions that had no place in my head swirling around in there like oils in water.

"Kaiba-kun, are you ashamed of how you dueled today?"

We were off in a darker area. We had our backs to the wooden wall of an old stand. People passed, but paid us no mind.

"Yes," he answered firmly. He always knew what his answers were. He lived a straightforward path, always so sure, rarely ever feeling these stupid emotions.

"Why so?" Come now, you were not going to escape conversation with me so easily. Well, unless you glared at me. But you seem in well enough of a mood, I think. I hope.

"I should have won."

He probably feels that he should have. Atem was his rival, and now he can only tie with Yuugi-kun, someone that Kaiba-kun probably considered weaker than the pharaoh.

It was at this time that I brought up a key question. "Is dueling even fun for you anymore?" I knew that he used to love it. Mokuba-kun has told me. I wondered if he got any joy out of it anymore.

He was silent for a bit. He seemed like he was contemplating it deeply, searching for an answer. "Not as much as it used to be." The tone in which he said this surprised me. He said it so monotonously. It seemed like something that someone would say with some sort of emotion. But no, this was Kaiba-kun. Emotion to outsiders was taboo.

It was at this point that I began to scare myself. I wanted to hold him. I wanted so badly to just wrap my arms around him and rest my head against his chest, hear his heart. I wanted to feel his arms hold me in return. I wanted to feel the warmth that I knew that he possessed.

There were too many things that I wanted to feel; too many impossible, dream-like things that could never exist so long as the world was sane.

And while I may have felt these things, I could not love him. I simply refused to allow myself to fall in love with him, no matter if the world should suddenly go insane and he should act like the person that I liked all the time. This was not said out of disgust, but rather, some shred of intelligence in my head. Even if something should happen, eventually, I would have to leave Wonderland and return to the world were people may be mad, but that sort of madness was what society constituted as normal. For those who could not understand what I just said: simply, reason told me that Kaiba-kun would never respond to my feelings, and if he did, it would only be a temporary thing. It would, more likely than not, be spur of the moment. I would be better off to divorce myself of those emotions.

I was going to end up killing my emotions, I knew it.

I have been told many times when I was younger that love chooses whom it will. While I was firmly convinced that my emotions only equaled to that of 'like,' I was the sort to look at the worst-case scenario. What those people forgot to mention, however, was that the person that I would come to like would be a jerk most of the time and switch selves as definitely as a manic-depressive. It was a little disconcerting. Oh yeah, and he was male.

"Who did you want to win?" He asked me the question that I had been asking myself all night. It was the question that I dreaded and still had no answer to. It was revenge for asking about whether or not he enjoyed dueling, I bet. Kaiba-kun would be the type to do that. Except he was not supposed to know my thoughts.

"I don't know." It was true. "Yuugi-kun is my friend. However," I really did not know why I was still talking, "I do believe that I am beginning to see you in another light, and am beginning to consider you a friend as well." I wondered what he was thinking. Was he laughing at me inside; was he disgusted? I wanted to hide in a corner.

He was silent for a few moments. "I don't know if I can trust anyone enough to have a close relationship." In other words, or at least how I interpreted it, he did not trust people enough to have friends. Yeah, I knew he had been through a lot of people-related crap.

"I understand that." At least, I hoped that I did, to some degree. I had isolated myself from people so that they would not get hurt, and so that I would not get hurt. I would watch them play with one another from afar and wonder why I could not play as well. But then I would remember. I smiled sadly. My heart was hurting so badly. I wanted to rip it out. If liking someone led to so much pain, I wondered why people romanticized it so often. Perhaps people were just stupid. I would believe it. I almost felt like professing to him just to see his reaction.

Luckily, I stopped myself from doing so. That would have been a horrible mistake. "Do you want to walk a little?" I asked instead. He stood up from the wall and began to walk down a more secluded path, away from most people. In fact, away from just about all people. I wondered how he saw me, really. I could not ask. I wondered how he saw these moments. I wanted to ask, but I could not. I wanted to tell him so many things, but I could not.

I wanted the road ahead of me to be straightforward, but it was not. I followed Kaiba-kun down that crooked path, both the literal and the figurative. It was like he was the light at the end of the tunnel. Kaiba-kun was the light? Yes, yes, he was a light. He was a light as bright as the sun that I could reach to, but never touch. He was far too far away from me.

What was at the end of the tunnel, even if I could get there?

We stopped when we found a small abandoned shrine to a local deity. I wondered why people stopped coming, anything to get my mind off the previous thoughts. Vines had overgrown, entwining each other like long fingers. The yard was long covered in weeds and discarded leaves. It was obvious that no one had set foot in here for a while. I wondered what ghosts of memories haunted this place. How many people came to pray here to the deity? Was this around back when Japan was all agricultural? Did it ever see the samurai before the Meiji Restoration? How many priests watched over this shrine before time finally won over?

I was becoming far too contemplative. Then again, I think a lot. Never mind that this was vacation from school and I still had not read all of my book. That would need to get done. It fact, it was Wednesday, and it needed to be done by class on Friday. Tomorrow would be hell.

Our trip was almost over. That stuck to me. Tomorrow we would go back to Domino and this dream would be over. That was what this felt like: a dream. Would Kaiba-kun remember this dream when he woke up and returned to work? I would try.

Then again, a dream is only a dream.

Did I want him to remember? Did I want to remember? Did I not just imply a while ago that I wanted to shove this all aside and pretend that it never existed? Well, I guess I could scrap that idea. I liked Kaiba-kun, and here we were, in silence, except for the insect life. We had even stopped walking. I was standing perhaps a little too close to him, but he did not extend the distance between us. Perhaps he did not notice. Perhaps he was in awe of the same thoughts that I had before. The ones about the shrine, mind you, not about us. There was no 'us.'

I was so confused. One minute, I felt like this, and another, I felt like that. I feel now that I am far too fickle for my own good. My indecisiveness would get the best of me someday, I knew it.

"Are you alright?" Kaiba-kun broke the silence. It surprised me that he would actually care whether my health was up to par or not. After all, he had just tied in a duel, which I suppose to him and his stubbornness, was worse than losing. In a tie, there is no winner. It also surprised me because of who he was. Kaiba-kun was not supposed to care about anybody except his brother.

I nodded. "Yes, I was just thinking." Kaiba-kun all but said that he did not think of me as a friend, but he asked how I was. Perhaps that was because if I suddenly died right here, he would be blamed. I don't know—random quip of thought. But the said that he liked talking to me. That made me feel a lot better.

"Good luck," I wished him earlier. Did he care? Did he remember? I was so scared that he would just ignore me then, even if I had not realized it.

I looked up. Away from the city and people and lights, one could see the stars so clearly. As a child, I wished that I could go among the stars and touch them, hold them in my hands and make a wish. I wanted to reach out and touch them, but they were too far away, much like how I saw Kaiba-kun right then. I have since given up those dreams, of course, for wishes and hope die with time, as these emotions probably would as well. But still, they were something to look at. "It's beautiful."

Kaiba-kun looked up as well. My heart was pounding. I was still so close to him, our arms, our hands, our fingers were just a couple of inches apart. The setting was one of such romance, and I was almost sad that it was wasted on two people so distant as us, despite our physical proximity.

How did Kaiba-kun feel when he looked at the stars? Did he also remember his own childhood? He was too set on his path to feel the same conflicting emotions that I felt. He knew what he wanted from life and would attempt to reach his dreams no matter the obstacles.

I was still looking at the stars, almost distracted, when I heard him move. The dried leaves crumpled. It sounded so loud in the silence. I turned to see where he was going, but a warm hand cupped my cheek halfway so that I was still looking upwards, but now, instead of seeing glimmering dots of burning helium and plasma, I was looking up into Kaiba-kun's silhouette. His eyes stared into mine and I felt faint. He kissed me, lightly and slowly, and I could not help but to timidly comply. I was too scared to do anything else.

He let me go from his spell and walked away, back towards the festival, back to the people, and away from me. I could not think. I could only hurt as his back retreated down the path that we had come up and he did not make eye contact with me.

I sat down, suddenly, and cried.


By the time this is done… I've finished Crime & Punishment! I've read it, tested on it, it's over! As is all of my school-related book reading. I took my AP test, probably got a 2 on it or something… and zoned out while playing on a swivel chair and putting stickers with my AP number and barcode all over my body. But now I can sit back and read Sherlock Holmes and the Hitchhiker's Guide! Oh, and all the other books I got. Actually, right now, I've just finished Gaston Leroux's, "The Phantom of the Opera" and am currently reading Maurice Leblanc's, "The Extraordinary Adventures of Arsene Lupin, Gentleman Burglar." Wonderful reads. I'm a nerd.

Actually, I really am sorry for not being able to update this. It's actually not my homework this time, but my brother's. Poor boy, he's been staying up very late to finish stuff on the computer.

Ack, as I type this, I am graduating in one week (graduation day is 5-28-05).

I am adding this last line of notes so that the reading will finally be 60 KB and I can post this. --checks-- YES! I win!