Feel
I have no idea where this story is going to end.

About half an hour after I posted the last chapter, someone reviewed it. I found that funny, for some reason.

I was also looking at the profiles of people who review me (because I do that… because I'm creepy…), and under one person's favorite quotes, it says, "Camels go moo! And Shaadi knows it!" It was then that I realized that it's been so long since I've said that. Okay, less than a year, but now I yell other things randomly. And camels do moo, damn it.

AURON-SAMA (Final Fantasy X) IS IN KINGDOM HEARTS 2! I swear, I will play that game just to have him. (I am a HUGE Auron-sama fan. That can be told from the fact that I call him Auron-sama. And I cried when he went bye-bye.)

To Shawdowwaker: You're graduating too? I assume that you mean class of 2005 and not until 2006. (Go class of '05!) Then I'd have to kill you. And you know what? Seto's just screwed up. That's an answer for everything.

My head hurts.


Chapter 6

Anger


Wednesday

I felt like hell by the time I got back to Namakura-san's house. I did not stop by the festival again, I just went straight back.

It was dark and lonely out there. The wind blew the branches of trees, making them rustle and bend like specter's limbs. If I was in any state of mind to start having hallucinations, I was pretty sure that it would have scared the crap out of me. Now, however, I felt that if any dead girls, demons, or ghosts came to do whatever to me, I would have simply told them that tonight was not a good night, or just beat the crap out of them right there. I was not in a good mood.

I knocked on the door. Namakura-san answered it. She seemed surprised that I was alone. Then again, I probably would be as well, if I was in her position.

"Bakura-kun, are you alright?"

I nodded, but did not verbally answer. I felt that I could not speak for the life of me. If I opened my mouth, I would remember, and so many word would pour out that were not directed at the wonderful old woman in front of me.

"Come, have some tea."

She sat me down and I complied, like a marionette. Except unlike the marionette, who knew who it was that was pulling its strings, I did not know whom it was that was forcing me to move. I did not want to move. I wanted to lay down and cry some more.

However, the tea did taste good. It helped more than one would think that it would. I felt this utter despair for some reason.

People would assume that I would feel a sort of glee, some kind of ecstatic happiness because he kissed me, but no, instead I felt so horribly confused. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I could not. If I opened my mouth to do so, I would choke and cry.

"What's wrong?" Namakura-san was sitting next to me. She watched me patiently and I wished, deeply, that she was my grandmother, as stupid as that may sound. I wanted to be a young child again whose worst concern is of a broken toy.

I shook my head. I made the mistake of trying to open my mouth to say something and a choking sound came out. The tears that I had been fighting once again came out. I hated all of this. I really did. But Namakura-san just held her arms out and hugged me as a parent or grandparent would do for a child. It had been a long time since any adult was around to care about anything that happened to me, and it made me feel comforted. She did not ask again what was wrong or why I was crying, she just sat there. I was beginning to feel angry at myself for crying, and for worrying this poor woman who had done so much to care for us already and was now acting as my shoulder to cry on.

Perhaps, unlike how I saw Kaiba-kun later on, I was the selfish one.


I apologized profusely to Namakura-san and went to bed shortly after the previous scene. I wanted to be asleep before the others came home. I did not want to see Kaiba-kun. He scared me now.

I hid under my blankets from the demons that were going to haunt me. I did not want to see Kaiba-kun. I did not want to see anyone, because it was obvious that I had been crying, and that would lead to questions. That would not lead to any good end. Then again, I doubted that this would end well anyway.

His lips had been firm. His hands were warm on me and it had felt good. Why was I scared? Why did he have to do something like that to me? Did he really hate me so much?

I knew I was going to be a mess by the time I woke up. But I tried to go to sleep anyway, because that was the way to get away. I knew that Yuugi-tachi would question me in the morning, I knew that I would not be able to face Kaiba-kun's eyes. I knew that my life would be so miserable until we went home and life went back on its normal course and I never saw Kaiba-kun in so personal a setting.

Why did he kiss me? I wanted to know so badly. No matter what insane thoughts may cross my mind, I knew that he could not like me like that. He just could not like me. He said so himself that he could not form close relationships.

I felt so incredibly tired. That usually happened to people after they have cried a lot. I curled up and somehow, as if an apology from the divine scriptwriter finally came, I fell asleep before people returned.


Thursday

I woke up at possibly the worst time the next morning.

I was once again alone with Kaiba-kun, who was packing his computers away. I had no idea where Mokuba-kun was, but I wanted him here with us. I did not feel safe.

I did not speak, and he did not speak. It was an awkward silence. But then again, Kaiba-kun usually didn't speak to people unless he was forced to answer something or if the people annoyed him. So I sat there, trying to collect enough brainwaves to move. Mornings really were not my thing.

My eyes felt so heavy. I had no doubt that I looked horrible.

The silence was making me crazy. I wanted him to say something, anything, but preferably an apology that I knew that he would never make. Why would he apologize? For confusing me? For making me feel so conflicted? For making me depressed? For making my heart hurt? For being my first kiss?

Yes, I felt just a little bitter. It was quite understandable, to me at least.

The door slid open and Mokuba-kun walked in. He blinked at me a couple of times in surprise before closing the door. "Bakura-kun," he greeted, "you look like crap." I think I made some sort of unhappy, tired noise at him. He was certainly being nice so early in the morning. "Why did you leave early last night?"

I really did not want to answer. The answer was painful. "I didn't feel good."

"Are you getting sick again? Seto," he looked at his brother, "why didn't you stay with him this time?" The elder brother was silent. I did not expect him to say anything. It would have made me want to kill myself if he said anything.

He did something equally cruel: he left without a word. Was I such a shame on him? If so, then it was his fault, because he was the one who did it.

"Did you and nii-sama get into a fight?" Mokuba-kun asked me, looking sad. It made me feel bad. "Seto seems unhappy."

Does Kaiba-kun ever seem happy? I did not actually ask that. However, I did not know what to tell Mokuba-kun. I could not tell him that we had a fight, exactly, nor could I tell him what had actually transpired.

"It was just a small disagreement."

"Then why does it look like you cried yourself to sleep?" I looked at him curiously. "I've done it enough," he answered, "so I know what it looks like."

"Just… never mind it." I shook my head. "It doesn't matter."

"But I do care what happens," he almost yelled, "not just for Seto's sake, but for yours as well."

Alright, since it was the last day, perhaps we would try something. Just because I feel slightly bitter and have almost stopped caring what people think of me. "Okay, Mokuba-kun, I'll tell you if you promise not to tell your brother." I wanted to sound vindictive, but the feelings of such an emotion began to fade at the sight of that young boy nodding, so worried about his brother. No, Mokuba-kun was not the one to be angry with. It was all Kaiba-kun's fault. I began to feel a little embarrassed, and increasingly sad. "I guess you could say that I like your brother. I mean, not in the normal way. Or, at least, I did."

"What happened to make it past tense?"

I shook my head. "That is too personal of a matter." I was surprised that he was not disturbed by what I had told him. He should have been wide-eyed, staring at me as if I was a demon or something. I had no idea why I felt that he should react as such, perhaps it would make myself feel as if I actually deserved pity. The Kaiba brothers confused me. The only thing that I could be sure about was that they would never cease to surprise me. "But remember, you promised to not tell Kaiba-kun."

He nodded, also a little saddened. "Is there any way that you could still be his friend?"

I remembered the kiss, how it felt, how it made me weak and scared. "Perhaps. But right now, I just need to think." I did not know what I needed to think about, but perhaps having random thoughts bump around like a weightless rubber ball would help.

Maybe I was bipolar, really. It would explain a lot.

I was still angry at Kaiba-kun. If he were here and Mokuba-kun were not, I could kid myself by saying that I would yell at him, demand an answer, but I knew that I was not that brave, nor would I ever be. People can always tell themselves that they would this and that in a situation, but the real thing is so different than what you have trained yourself for. I could picture the scenarios, but if it ever actually happened, I would feel faint once again, and scared. I would feel so pitiful, and that would make me feel even more angry later on.

"Well," Mokuba-kun looked at the floor apologetically. What did he need to apologize about? "Do you need any help packing? I've already eaten and packed my things."

I looked around at what I had. The only things that actually belonged to me that were not in my suitcase were my yukata, a couple of pairs of dirty clothes, and that book. I needed to read that book. Maybe I would do that on the bus ride home. "I think I can manage." I answered finally. "But hey," I really felt that I was depriving him of conversation that he really wanted to have, "how has school been for you?" How young was Mokuba-kun? Six years younger than us? That meant that he was about to turn twelve. Damn it, was he a smart eleven-year-old. (1)

"Well, I started junior high." He wrinkled his nose in thought. That was cute. Kami-sama, I was turning into a girl. "I have the highest grade in math and science, as well as English, Japanese, and gym. Japanese Literature, I'm doing fairly well in. Seto tutors me sometimes, when he isn't working. Because I help work at the office, I am excused from joining a club."

"You sound busy." I was isolated in junior high. No one wanted me. I was like the little boy at the carnival that, when he arrived at the balloon vender, there were no balloons. (2) I was the one who would watch all of the other kids play while sitting on a swing at the playground, alone, until someone came and asked if they could swing, since I was not really.

"Yeah, I guess." He sat in more thought. For an eleven-year-old, he thought a lot. That was probably because that, as Kaiba Mokuba-kun, he had been through a lot more than any other eleven-year-old had.

At this time, I had a much higher opinion of the younger of the Kaiba brothers than of the elder. The younger seemed so positive, and that was not just out of his physical immaturity. He knew that the world was an unfair game, but he took it in stride and still kept a happy face. Of course, there were times when one could not keep happy, and it would fall then, but in everyday life, he was far better at coping, it seemed, than his brother. Kaiba-kun coped by hiding his problems under a rug and focusing instead on work and Duel Monsters. He placed the mask on his face and did whatever the hell is was that he did.

Perhaps that was a better way of coping than mine. I had a tendency to run away from whatever was hurting me. However, for the longest time, I could not run away because my demon followed me. He stayed with me, leaving behind actions that I thought were my own and that I would run from.

Though sometimes, it really is easier to run from problems than to face them, especially if one has been alone, as I have. I was running away from this problem with Kaiba-kun by going back to Domino and simply never talking to him again, except when needed, which would be a rare occurrence.

I was running away, but stabbing myself deeper as I went with every step. For, while I may be pushing myself away from him, I would still always cherish how he made me feel when he spoke to me.

"I need to take a bath before we leave." Mokuba-kun commented out of the blue. The absurdity and divergence from our previous subject made me want to laugh.

"You go do that," I smiled, holding in the laugh.

"I'll be back soon." He grabbed another change of clothes and a towel. I, personally, did not care how I smelt the entire way home. I would take a shower in my own shower with my white bathroom walls to keep me company.

I used to wonder why the walls of hospitals and asylums were white. They were not off-white, but just glaringly white. I think I may have known then. While white may make the saner, healthier people unnerved, for those who were there for a reason, it gave them the absence of inspiration and made them, well, sedated. In asylums, it probably made some of the patients less likely to do anything. These were my thoughts, at least. The white walls became their prisons. My walls were my asylum, my prison. There, I could escape and do whatever I pleased because of my loneliness. My home was an asylum. I could vent my anger there instead of keeping it bottled up. I could cry there if I pleased and not worry about anybody caring.

After all, I was only an inmate.

Kaiba-kun came in at this time. His hair was damp, as was the towel that he was packing away. Our bus would be at the stop right after lunch. We would arrive home rather late in the evening and be expected to go to school the next day. I wondered if I could take off tomorrow.

Kaiba-kun was ignoring me. I could tell that he was doing it on purpose, because his eyes did not come to my side of the room, except as a far-off glance. I could say something. It would have been foolish and out of character, but I could have. Instead, I packed my clothing and book away. I put my slippers into my suitcase as well, ready to walk around in socks until we left. It did not matter. What mattered was what I wanted to ask, what I wanted answered. They were the questions that were plaguing my mind and could only be answered by the person that I did not want to speak to.

What right did he have to confuse me so much?

I imagine that I am an implosively angry person. I let my anger seethe for a while and build up. I may forget it's there, but it does store itself. Each little thing adds to it until I just go insane and act upon it. This hardly ever happened, and usually within the walls of my asylum, so there were no accounts of it.

But now I felt it again, building on top of last night and other unrelated incidents. He was ignoring me on purpose.

I made the mistake of trying to be bold, to take the initiative. I decided to bring up the question on my own.

"Kaiba-kun, I wanted to talk to you about last night."

Silence answered me, except for the rustling of his jacket and the zip of some case of other, whether it be clothes or laptop.

"What did you mean by it?" I could not even say it. It was like our hidden sin, except that it was not really a sin. It was just a stolen kiss, which may seem small in perspective, but to me felt so much more because of how I felt. I had finally sorted out my feelings (sort of), and he went and did that. I almost felt like picking up some stick-like object and beating him with it.

he still ignored me, as if he was silent for long enough, I would just disappear. Normally, I probably would have, but I was getting angry, so it was very unlikely.

"Kaiba-kun." Silence. "Damn it, answer me!"

"Just go away," he did answer, acutely. His voice was sharp.

No. "Look, I deserve to know why."

"It doesn't matter."

Like hell! "What? What doesn't matter?" I could felt the torrent of emotions. "That I have been confused, scared, and angry ever since? That you kissed me? That I came back here, crying because I didn't know what to do or what anything meant anymore?"

He stood and turned to me quickly. In any other circumstance, the look on his face would have scared me. Now, however, I was pissed, so no glares could have bothered me. "No," he said with a dangerous tone, "none of it. Nothing matters! Just forget it!"

Forget the hole in my heart, bleeding because of you? No.

Later, I would look back on my next actions and wonder just how much of an influence that Yami Bakura had on me while he still existed in the Sennen Ring.

I slapped Kaiba-kun. The whipped skin-to-skin contact left a loud clap. I barely had time to notice the red bruise on his face before feeling pain in my cheek. Kaiba-kun had punched me in the jaw and in the process, I had bit my own bottom lip open. I could taste the metallic taste of blood and feel the warm trickle down my chin before barely hearing the drips on the floor. It was so tensely silent that we could both hear it. It was the first time that anyone had actually punched me. My mind rarely registered it.

We were both breathing hard, anger still existing. It would not vanish for a long time, I felt then.

"Kaiba-kun," I said quietly, careful not to touch anything on the injured part of my lip, "why did you kiss me?" I was sure that I looked even more like hell then I had last night.

"I don't know," he answered finally. I wanted to scream at him more, to demand to hear an actual answer, to know what exactly went through his head when he did it, but footsteps were rapidly approaching. The door slid open.

"What the hell happened here?" Honda-kun's voice yelled.

"Get a first aid kit from Namakura-san." Yuugi instructed.

"Right." Ryuuzaki-kun and Haga-kun ran off. I had forgotten that they even existed in all of this. They had kept to themselves and were not involved in this little soap opera.

I did not look at them. My eyes were still locked on Kaiba-kun's, and his were on mine. I was still angry. He frustrated me so easily. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I would feel sorry soon enough, but that did not matter at that time.

Our stares were compromised when Jounouchi-kun grabbed the front of Kaiba-kun's collar. "What did you do to Bakura-kun?"

I shook my head. "Nothing at all, Jounouchi-kun."

There was no plausible deniability. There was a hand-sized bruise on Kaiba-kun's cheek. I had a fist-sized one on mine and a bloody lip that must have been cut deep, because a small puddle was starting to collect from the drops on the floor.

"Nii-sama, what happened?" Mokuba-kun pushed his way into the room and ran to his brother. "Why did you two fight?"

"It's nothing." He echoed my sentiments. It was nothing. Nothing mattered. I wanted to punch him.

"Are you two alright?" Namakura-san came in with a first aid kit. She noticed my lip and came over with gauze and iodine. I knew this would hurt like hell. "Tell me what happened."

"We just had a disagreement," I answered.

She looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I could tell that she was remembering my state of being last night. It made me feel horrible. Then she began cleaning my cut and I yelped. It hurt!

Jounouchi-kun had, by this time, let Kaiba-kun go and went back to where Yuugi-kun was near the door. This was probably because Honda-kun had talked sense into him. Everyone was in a sort of silence.

"There, now." Namakura-san finished cleaning up my lip and quickly cleaned the blood that had dripped on the floor. She seemed undisturbed by the silence. I had the feeling, though, that we had hurt her. I would go apologize to her later. She left us and her grandchildren, who had not spoken the entire time, followed.

"Go on," I said quietly, "there's nothing to see here." There were only us.

"I don't think we should leave you alone," Jounouchi started.

Honda interrupted him by placing a hand on his shoulder. He shook his head. "This is something that they need to work out. Come on." He led Yuugi-kun, Jounouchi-kun, Ryuuzaki-kun, and Haga-kun out. "Bakura-kun, can I talk to you?"

I just nodded and followed. I did not look at Kaiba-kun or Mokuba-kun. I could not look at either of them. I promised Mokuba-kun that I would try to be his brother's friend, and I had told him that I liked Kaiba-kun before. I wondered what was going through his head. I wondered how much it hurt him. This drama was not only affecting Kaiba-kun and I, but everybody else. I could have done as Kaiba-kun did and just forgotten about it, but the heat of the moments built up and I persisted. So instead I selfishly involved other people.

I was the selfish one, not Kaiba-kun.

Honda-kun closed the door behind me and led me to the yard where I read my book under the sakura tree before. It made me remember.

"Bakura-kun, what is going on between you and Kaiba-kun?"

I shook my head. "I really don't know."

"Did he do something to you?"

Despite his tough exterior, Honda-kun really did care about people. It was a pity that I could not have liked him instead, and then this would have been so much easier. No, I liked that asshole back there. At least, I used to.

"No, I did something to myself," I answered. It was close enough to the truth to be considered such. I wanted to cry some more. There were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted my asylum.

"What did you do?" he asked me. God, why were you all so concerned? It did not really matter, after all. Why did you all care? You, Honda-kun, and also Yuugi-kun and Jounouchi-kun. Namakura-san and Mokuba-kun a well. I dragged all of them into this. I was becoming angry with myself again. Today was not a happy day.

I wanted Yami Bakura back again. He could have done something. That something would probably have been punching Kaiba-kun that night, rather than waiting until the next morning to give him a girlish slap. Then again, Yami Bakura probably would have gotten me detained for assault, so that would have been bad. But still, I wished he was here.

I began to choke again, holding more tears back. It was not as difficult as last night, and the torrent would not be so strong, but I still held them back. I could feel my eyes watering.

"Bakura-kun, what did you do?" He probably feared the worst, like I had cut myself or something. No, Honda-kun, I did not try to suicide, though the idea seemed nice at a time.

"I liked him." Yeah, I may as well just have told everyone. It did not matter anymore. I was standing there, Kaiba-kun caused me to cry, I hit him, what else could it have plausibly been? Then again, I was sure that the truth seemed like a far-off notion as well.

He was silent for a few moments. "Did he hit you because you told him that?" he asked finally. He was probably getting over the shock that I was gay.

I shook my head. "No, I hit him first. He does not know. He won't know."

"Then why did you two fight?"

I did not want to tell him. "He was being a jerk."

"Like he normally is?"

"No," I hesitated, "he could be nice. He made me smile. I could talk to him." I was digging my nails into my own palms and it was beginning to hurt. More bleeding would not have been fun. I relinquished my grip on my own hands. "I liked him. But that's over."

"Why is that? You say that he was nice to you, and you knew that he acted like a jerk the majority of the time, but you still liked him. Then you punched him. There must have been reason for that, and for your decision that it's over."

I lowered my eyes. "That's between us."

"Bakura-kun, you're confusing sometimes."

Luckily, he could not read my mind, or he would be terribly confused all the time.

"Did he hurt you?"

I shook my head. No, he did not really. Physically, at least.

Was there any way that the situation could have been resolved? I realize that I may have overreacted, but why did he have to act like it shamed him when he was the one who did it? Maybe this could have all been prevented if I acted like my normal self and kept it to myself, rather than questioned him.

If that were the case, would my heart still hurt?

"Bakura-kun, to make something clear," Honda-kun interrupted my increasingly depressing train of thought, "I don't mind that you liked Kaiba-kun. I'm damn sure that the others wouldn't, either, though I won't tell them. I just want to know what he did to you that made you angry enough to hit him. That way, I would have a reason to hit him." He said this with a smile, so the last part was a joke. Though he probably would hit Kaiba-kun if he knew what all happened, especially if he saw me the way Namakura-san did.

"No, I can handle it. After all, I'm seventeen, so if I can't handle this by now, I won't be able to."

"Yeah," he grinned, "just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

We parted ways. He went to Yuugi-tachi, probably to tell them that Kaiba-kun just pissed me off with a comment or something, and I went to find Namakura-san. She was in the kitchen.

"Namakura-san?" I poked my head in. As she looked at me, I came in and bowed low. "I am sorry for starting that fight in your home. Please forgive me."

"Bakura-kun, I am ashamed that you two would fight like that, because you two seemed to get along so well." This was hurting. "But you do not need to act like you are going through attrition."

"But after all that you had done for us, physically and emotionally for me, I let an argument become physical. I am sorry."

"I accept your apology." She opened her arms for a hug. "You all are going home today. I have almost become used to the bustle of so many young people. I will miss all of you."

"I'll miss you, too."

"Now, for your punishment," she smiled, "you can help me make lunch."

We laughed. It felt foreign. So many things did. But at least I did not feel angry anymore.


Notes and Translations:

(1) Odd as it may seem, I think he really is six years younger than Seto. I think they were adopted at ages ten and four. Or something. I really cannot believe it in this perspective, but fact is fact!

(2) This is a reference to "Boys Next Door" by Kaori Yuki. It's a shounen ai one-shot that I think of whenever I write/read something about someone being lonely. There is a quote: "Am I the child that nobody wants? Is that why there's no balloons for me?" The child asked this because he went to a carnival, where he saw a clown handing out balloons. By the time he got to the clown, there were no balloons and his mother had already abandoned him there. It was sad. It made me want to cry.

Vocabulary time!

Attrition: While Microsoft Word may say that it is synonymous with 'erosion,' I like the Se7en (starring Morgan Freeman (the coolest old guy in the world) and Brad Pitt) definition: "that's where you repent, but not because you love God." It is a forced repentance for sins.

I actually got through this chapter pretty quickly. There's a lot less dialogue and more actual paragraph than the last chapters, so it seems shorter. But I wrote about 10 KB in one night (from 30 KB to 40 KB), when my minimum requirement for myself is 60 KB. Maybe I should start making it 60 KB and nine pages. Call me perfectionist; I call me crazy.

Hee, the past few days have been awesome-possum. Auron-sama (Final Fantasy X) will be in Kingdom Hearts 2, meaning that even if I never finish the first one, I will get it. (I love Auron-sama, never mind he's old and dead.) Love Mode is coming out to book stores in November… life feels great. Never mind that I am about to graduate and probably never see some of my friends again.

I posted this on graduation day. Just because. I do things like that. It's 6:09 in the morning. Cheers.