Disclaimer: I do not own any of the FAKE characters, but the plot is mine so don't steal it.
April 23, 2006
My Love,
Its hard to believe that I haven't seen you for seven months. I used to think that you would be with me all of our lives, how wrong I was. Every night I dream of being with you again, seeing your smile, hearing your laugh. I can't help but think that you made me live. Without you here I feel dead. I go on existing from one day to the next. I just take up space and air in this overcrowded city.
I'm on my third partner since you. Nobody wants to stay with me anymore. Nobody says it to my face but I've heard the others talking. They think of me as a hazard. They think that my grief is distracting me from the job. Ha! So right they are. No one should have to be partnered with me. Its my fault you're dead and I will probably end up killing my future partner too.
If I hadn't done such a stupid thing you would still be here and none of this would be happening.
Sometimes I contemplate just ending it. And although I know I would be sent to hell and you're in Heaven, maybe God would let us see each other just once. Maybe I would be allowed to hold you one more time, feel your lips on mine. If I could just see you smile again, see your black eyes light up I could happily spend the rest of eternity in the deepest, darkest, and hottest crevice in hell.
I've caught myself fingering my gun on occasion and wondering what it would be like to just put the barrel to my temple and pull the trigger. When I've discovered myself lost in those moments I take a step back, sit down and contemplate everything. What I find in my mind doesn't help too much, but I am able to pull myself up too face the next minute.
That's how I'm living my life now, minute to minute. I'm starting to worry that soon I won't be able to pull myself up and out of these funks in the future.
I love and miss you so much.
Dee
