Shaddowwaker: Kawakami, how Hitokiri-Gensai had it written, meant 'Superior River' or the 'top of a river.' Not sure which. My Kawakami… I could make him 'river god,' couldn't I? The 'kami' used for the hitokiri samurai cool person was not a 'kami' that I usually see. So I guess I'll do that—my teacher character is now a river god. (Actually, I was about to use the exact kanji that the hitokiri's name was, but then I found out what it was.) Yes, I put actual thought and research into this. Man, I am screwed in the head and hungry.
Incoherent: --innocent smile-- I'm sorry, are you trying to hint something?
…I liked Kawakami-sensei. I actually liked him… maybe I won't insert him into an original story in which he is shoved through an emotional blender. (Wildwolf: But you hurt all the characters you like!) But I picked his hair color because my brother likes that color on Japanese people. It's pretty cool, I guess. I've already completely developed the guy and his boyfriend.
…oh yeah, this is the same fic where they went to Kyoto, isn't it?
Chapter 8
Like (x2)
Sunday
Though it may seem odd to the random passersby, I found it perfectly natural that I spent two or three minutes outside of the Kaiba mansion that Sunday, wondering whether or not I should push the call button or run away. I must have looked crazy to any outside being, because I recall walking back and forth and talking to myself. I was mostly trying to tell myself how crazy it was that I was nervous about coming over to work on an assignment. I mean, it was not as if I would be forced to spend several days in the same bedroom as him this time. There was nothing to worry about.
See, Ryou, perfectly logical. You are working on an assignment. This or fail. You do not want to fail the class, do you? If so, then good luck getting into a good university. That's right, your high school exit exam scores ride on this as well. Do not as why, they just do. Believe me.
For some reason, that line of thought seemed a little less logical.
I took the split second that I felt brave enough to act to push the call button. I wanted to take it back almost immediately, but Kaiba-kun's voice came on. Did he not have servants to do that for him? Well, it was Sunday, and that was when most people took off from work. It made sense to me, and since I was the only one hearing my thoughts, that was all that mattered.
"Hello?"
"Kaiba-kun?" I did not know how close I had to be to the call box to be heard, so I stood close and leaned near it. "It's Bakura Ryou."
There was a pause. "Hold on." The gate unlocked. Damn all of this automated technology. It would scare the crap out of me someday. "Come on and close the gate behind you."
I did so and walked up the same path (driveway) that I did two days ago. This time, however, I felt nervous. I was jittery for some reason. I had no Mokuba-kun to talk to. My heart was pounding like crazy.
Kaiba-kun was waiting for me at the door. That came across to me as strangely funny, and yet not something that I should voice. He did not greet me as I walked up the entrance steps, just opened the door and led me in. The house was still huge, though I think it would have been a little weirder if it had changed sizes between visits. It made me feel incredibly small, like an ant or something. That may have been another reason why I felt skittish, among other, more obvious reasons.
Kaiba-kun led me up a flight of staircase and down a hall. I did not ask where we were going, because the answer I would get would be blunt, would only tell me the room and not the location, and would probably hold tones of 'why would you ask such a stupid question' in it. I did not need the self-esteem beating.
Our destination was on office on the left hand side. The computer and lights were already on. Two chairs were near the desk, one in front and one to the side. They were more than adequately spaced apart, meaning that Kaiba-kun was most likely the one to set them up. I took the one to the side, since I assumed that Kaiba-kun would want to sit near his computer.
We were silent for a few moments.
"About the project," Kaiba-kun said suddenly, making me jerk up, "I compiled a list of possible subjects."
He handed me the list. At the top were the more obvious choices: Gandhi, Tiananmen Square, things in South Africa, the civil rights movements of the United States, and recent events in Japan concerning the National Identity Program.
"Well, a lot of people are doing Gandhi and Tiananmen, from what I've heard," such as Yuugi-kun's, Jounouchi-kun's, and Honda-kun's groups, "and sensei mentioned that something as broad as entire countries should be cut down into more specific instances."
"Nn," Kaiba-kun nodded.
We discussed for half hour before coming to the conclusion that it would include South Africa, since that seemed more interesting and less like a subject that other students would pick. Whatever specific thing we wrote about had to be about non-violent protest, as shown in Thoreau's essay.
Mokuba-kun came to check on us. "Hi!" He was holding two glasses. "I brought some water for you two in case you were thirsty. I'll just set them here." He put them on a side table and ran off, but not before shooting one last grin. I wondered what he was thinking. That child could be as confusing as his brother sometimes, though in vastly different ways, of course.
I waited a couple of moments for Kaiba-kun to take a glass before reaching for the other one for myself. For some reason, I felt that I could not initiate an action. It was weird, and a little annoying. I mean, it was not as if Kaiba-kun would forget my existence if I did not take any actions. I was only right in front of his face.
We sat in silence. It felt strange that I should be here, in this room with Kaiba-kun alone, even if it were for the purpose of schoolwork. I just could not let go of what happened. It was all still fresh in my head, stuck there, consuming.
"Mokuba was very happy that you were coming over today," he said quietly.
"Really?" That was the only reply that I could think of. "I'm sorry for slapping you," I added rather absentmindedly. The subject had been boiling on my mind the entire night before and I had reached the conclusion that apologies would be nice. He did not reply, however, he just sat staring at the computer screen in silence. I did not pursue the subject, lest this peace that we somehow gained be ruined.
However, the silence was far more comfortable than the previous ones. I almost felt that we fully reconciled. Something was fixed, or at least that was how I felt.
"We need to start back on the project," he resumed what we had left off. He was so direct. He never asked questions, never seemed lost and confused; he only gave commands that I decided would be best to follow.
"Right," I agreed. For some reason, I was gaining a much more positive attitude than when I stepped in this afternoon. A weight was lifted off my chest and feelings of nervousness were slowly fading with time.
We began outlining the project when the smell of food reached us, somehow. I looked at my watch, which read six in the evening. I had been over at Kaiba-kun's house for five hours, and it had not disturbed me one bit. That was a bit amusing.
I followed Kaiba-kun downstairs to find Mokuba-kun in the kitchen, finishing some sukiyaki and rice.
"Hi!" He smiled when he noticed us. "Sorry I can't cook anything fancy."
"I guess I should go now, since it's getting late." I did not come with anything, so had nothing to retrieve. However, I still needed someone to let me out and I did not want to intrude on a family dinner.
Mokuba-kun shot Kaiba-kun a look.
"You can stay for dinner," Kaiba-kun responded to that look.
I shook my head, "I don't want to be a bother."
"Bakura-kun," Mokuba-kun drew out my name in a whining tone, "I never get to see you. I thought we were friends."
I will now note that Mokuba-kun has a very convincing sad look, even when it was feigned and you could just see the triumphant smirk lingering under the surface as your will caved in. The child was so scheming, though one would not think so with just a look. I had the odd feeling that he would do well in business.
"Fine." The triumphant smirk came to his face and I felt that I was beat.
So that night, I had dinner with the Kaiba brothers. It was a private affair without servants or Yuugi-tachi. It surprised me that I could stand being there for so long, especially after I had realized just how long I had been there. It felt as if the Kyoto thing happened, but nothing bad had occurred. I smiled and laughed when Mokuba-kun talked and spoke with regularity.
Kaiba-kun was mostly silent. I wondered if he felt uncomfortable that I was still around. I wondered if I should have been there. I was feeling opposite things from each side. On one side, Mokuba-kun kept bringing me into conversation, outwardly enjoying my presence, which gave me a sense of belonging.
I felt warm.
On the other side, Kaiba-kun was silently watching. Why did I like him, again? Oh, right, because he really was a warm person. It was just so hard to see. I did something horrible and wondered what I would have to do to see that person again, just out of curiosity. Like the little girl, Pandora, I went against all warnings and opened that box—that thought: 'how could I see him again?' Last time, things happened, desperately unhappy things. This time, what would occur?
It seemed that I did not learn too easily from past mistakes.
I wanted to push the thoughts of possibly seeing that side of Kaiba-kun that I liked away from me. I was attached, however, to that face, to those words that he said to me. He had me trapped, a spell woven around me to delicately that I could not detect it until I was past the point of no return. Something that Kaiba-kun did to me in Kyoto, that city of superstition and magic, stayed with me so that I needed to see him. He really was my addiction. Even if I realized that it was wrong, even if my mind could yell at me and say that he did something bad to me, my heart would not care. My heart was hurting.
I could not forget him.
Too bad I could not realize this is in such pretty diction at that time, all written out as such. I just knew that something was tugging at me, making me think. I did not want to spend the brain power needed to sort out the thoughts that were bugging in my head. I did not even know that the buzzing thoughts related to the subject matter at hand.
"See, nii-sama, having people over once in a while isn't bad, is it?" Mokuba-kun grinned at his brother. I blushed and stared down at my mostly-empty plate. The food really was good. Mokuba-kun knew how to cook. Well, sukiyaki, at least. I had picked around some of the vegetables and mostly eaten the beef and rice. I was never too big a fan of broccoli.
"No," Kaiba-kun answered curtly. Mokuba-kun quirked his face into a mock-angry frown at his answer. I guess he had the leverage to except more of an answer from his brother than I did. I guessed that it was a good answer, though; it affirmed that I was not some cancer-causing tumor or something of the sort that was attached somewhere, like I thought that he may have seen me as.
But it did not make me think that Kaiba-kun would be hugging puppies or anything of the sort that anytime soon.
It was dark when we finished. It was definitely time for me to go home, though probably not past curfew. Mokuba-kun opened the front door for me and I stared out into the darkness. I could not even see the front gates. Then again, that may have been because there were trees in the way, but I desist. No one needed to know.
"Wow, it got late," Mokuba-kun pointed out as he switched the porch light on. A small radius was illuminated. Yes, yes it had gotten late.
"Well, I need to get home now." I stepped out onto the porch. I still needed someone to let me out the gate, though. I mean, if I really tried, I might have been able to scale it, but that was more in Yami Bakura's area of expertise.
That name still hurt to remember.
"I'll drive you." Kaiba-kun's smooth, deep voice shook me out of my darkening thoughts. For what end, however, was questionable.
"I don't want to impose—"
"It is not safe for you to walk out there by yourself," he cut me off mid-sentence with an articulate warning. For some reason, I could not say no, even if I really wanted to. He did bring up a good point—there were strange people out at night. But still, what made his voice so convincing?
"Thank you," I mumbled, I am sure barely loud enough for him to hear. A blush was coming to my face for the first time in days. Kaiba-kun was always the cause, for better or for worse. Which was it now?
He led me to his car. It was plush, of course. I felt a little uncomfortable in it, but then again, that was my general reaction around cars. In the past few days, I had ridden in more actual cars than I had in any other long amount of time. Perhaps not my entire life, but some long extension of time.
I was silent in thought most of the way home (I had to give some directions) until Kaiba-kun once again broke the silence.
"Are you alright?"
I nodded slightly.
"You look like you're remembering something painful."
Why were you talking to me all of a sudden? I felt my face getting flushed again. What, could he not talk to me in Mokuba-kun's presence? It was unnerving.
"Am I wrong?"
I shook my head. "I was just thinking about how normal everything seems now, after Yuugi-kun's other self left."
"I'm still not sure what to believe that was." What, weren't you absolutely sure that it was all fake? Kaiba-kun, the eternal skeptic. "What do you think all of it was?"
Perhaps a dream? "I'm sure it was whatever Yuugi-kun told you it was."
"I'm not asking what Yuugi-kun thought it was. I want to know what you thought it all was." The directness of it caught me off guard. Why did he want to know what I thought, anyway? Why did my opinion matter in this, now; it never seemed to do so before. Was it because I was the weak-willed Sennen Item holder that he happened to have cornered and alone?
Did he know that I liked him back then and was he trying to bully me because of it? I fancy not, but you never know. Some divine power seemed to hate me, so Kaiba-kun being granted with psychic powers seemed only a little farfetched.
But if he could get psychic powers, why could I not get a working gay-dar? Then I would know if I ever had a chance with anybody! Just for future reference. I still was not attracted to anybody else. I was still physically attracted to Kaiba-kun. But you never know what the future brings, unless you happen to be granted psychic powers by the stupid divine scriptwriter.
"I," I didn't really know what to say, "I think that it really was some strange power, some magic of sorts. I think that the piece of jewelry that my father gave me when I was a child really did contain the spirit of some ancient Egyptian tomb robber." And in saying that, I affirmed my belief that everything that happened since meeting Yuugi-tachi had been real.
"Why?" He interjected. Why was he interrogating me?
"Because I used to black out and when I woke up, somebody would be hurt. That happened up until that duel between Yuugi-kun and the pharaoh. Now I don't pass out and wake up after winning a duel. Now my life is normal." For the first time in about twelve or thirteen years. Time to turn the question. "What do you really think it all was? You can't say that you have no opinion on it, since you were involved with so much, whether you wanted to be or not."
He was silent. "I don't want to say that it was all real, that magic is real." He paused once again. "I have believed that science could explain anything since I was little, whether or not we had found the answers yet. Believing that magic existed would put a blemish on that belief."
"I'm not sure if any one belief can explain everything in the universe."
There was more silence. Kaiba-kun was opening up to me and it felt weird. I guess that once I really inserted myself into the conversation, it wasn't unwanted, but it was still odd. I had to learn that when it came to Kaiba-kun, normal logic could not explain anything. That was a little oxymoronic, remembering what we just talked about, but ah well. I didn't think that any human emotions could be explained like that, with logic.
Especially not these emotions that were resurfacing for some odd reason.
Something about the softened gaze of his eyes made my heart beat louder than normal. He did not seem so… well, he seemed like the human that I already established existed within him.
"What made thinking about that so painful?"
I sighed, feeling rather open myself. It was hurting, somewhere. "I just feel empty now, with the Sennen Ring gone. It doesn't matter if painful things happened because of it, it makes me feel… almost hollow." But that wasn't so bad now, at this moment, with Kaiba-kun's attention on me. It did not quite fill up the same space that Yami Bakura held, but another place near there. A place that, prior to meeting this softer side of Kaiba-kun, I had not known even existed.
Back at Duelist Kingdom, I did my share of verbally defending Jounouchi-kun's duelist abilities from Kaiba-kun. That was needed, seeing as the two liked to insult each other and Kaiba-kun really was the better one at doing such.
But also, just once, I got to protect Kaiba-kun's humanity from Jounouchi-kun. Kaiba-kun, of course, would not know about this, or he would probably think me more pathetic than he already does.
But if he thought I was pathetic, why was he talking to me so… closely?
It was after he dueled against Pegasus and lost. Honda-kun was saying that he owed Mokuba-kun his life because Mokuba-kun saved his during the Death-T thing, whatever that was. That happened before I met them. But Honda-kun was saying that Mokuba-kun had to be saved and Jounouchi-kun was making some sort of snide remark about Kaiba-kun and, for some reason, I felt that I needed to say something in Kaiba-kun's favor. Thinking back on it, it seemed odd. Did I really have any proof to think that Kaiba-kun was so human back then? No, I just knew that he was willing to die for his brother, so I inferred.
This way that I recall it makes it sound a lot more intimate than it really was. I was merely speculating at the time with the intention of defense, but I did not know, back then, that I really would find Kaiba-kun to be a warm person beneath it all. I did not know that I would like him in any way, let alone in a way that was higher than that of a friend.
But there still was no 'we.'
But Ryou, he obviously doesn't mind your presence, my mind kept whispering into my ear. Maybe he does want some sort of relationship. Perhaps you can start as friends and get to know him better.
I will now note to whatever is telling me these things that it would be highly out of character for Kaiba-kun to want any sort of relationship with another human.
But then again, what was in character for Kaiba-kun? Did I not say myself that his real personality was a person that cared and gave off warmth? That would be the type of person who would talk to people.
I decided: Kaiba-kun was a paradox and whatever happened, happened. This tail-chase of a thought process was getting me tired and it was time to give up for the time being. I could wait until I had enough energy to think. Ah, and there was school tomorrow.
"Is this the complex?"
I looked outside and home looked back. I nodded to Kaiba-kun and opened the door. "Thank you for going out of your way to take me home." I bowed awkwardly as I stood up.
"Bakura-kun," Kaiba-kun's voice stopped me from closing the car door. I stared at him staring back at me with his blue eyes. "It was Mokuba's idea that, since you will probably be coming over often this week to work, you should have a key to let yourself in." He reached into a pocket and pulled out a key with a laminated card on the ring. He tossed it to me and I stared with a lost expression on my face.
"The card is for the front gate," Kaiba-kun explained in a slightly quickened manner. "Just swipe it through. The key itself is for the house."
My face turned hot. I knew that I had to be very red and I knew that Kaiba-kun had to be able to see it. How was he able to do this to me? I was becoming short of breath because my heartbeat was quickening tremendously.
What did he think of what he saw?
"T-thank you!" I stuttered, followed with another awkward bow. I reached out and closed the car door, but as it was closing, I saw something that seemed so impossible that I would wonder if my mind were not playing tricks on me if it weren't so deeply etched into my brain.
Kaiba-kun was smiling.
Unable and too afraid to stop my movements, I made a mad dash to the doors of the complex and stopped to juggle out my keys. My face will still red and Kaiba-kun's face was in my thoughts.
I looked back as I finally got the door opened and saw Kaiba-kun beginning his drive away. I ran up the stairwells quicker than I normally would have under nearly any other circumstance, opened my apartment door, flung myself inside, and shut the door. I let out a sigh as I walked, in the dark, to my room and set my keys down on my desk. I slipped my coat off in a slowing contemplation. My face was still red, but did not burn so deeply.
I fell back onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds before looking at the objects in my hand. I smiled as I affirmed to myself that Kaiba-kun did, indeed, give me keys to his house. Even if it was Mokuba-kun's idea, it did prove that he had enough trust in me to allow me access. The smile that I saw could not be feigned. I knew when smiles were feigned because I spent most years of my life doing it, so I knew that what Kaiba-kun showed to me, whether he had meant for me to see it or not, was real.
The smile, though smaller than one normally would do so, was bright and clear. It was the smile of someone who was not used to smiling when they were given an actual reason to do so. I myself felt like that more and more often as of late.
Perhaps there was an 'us?' In some weird, unclassified way?
We weren't officially friends. We were definitely not lovers. So what were we? I was fairly certain that we were something, some strange relation that fit in our unique situation.
I was euphoric. I may have actually been happy. I made Kaiba-kun smile and the thought made me do the same. This was a state of emotional bliss that I felt could not be torn down. Despite that I was usually afraid to be happy because of repercussions, I could not let this opportunity pass. I wanted to call someone, tell them, and I imagine that I acted like a schoolgirl who was asked out by her crush. That was, however, not what I was. I was just a boy who saw another side of someone. Despite that description, though, I felt so light, even deep, far down. The fight we had meant nothing. There were only good feelings.
I wondered if I should call Honda-kun and tell him that everything was alright. But then I decided against it, because moving or talking to someone else may ruin this mood.
Did I like Kaiba-kun, in the sense of romantics?
Yes, yes I did. Now, more than ever, I felt an attachment to that young man.
It was a wonder that this person, whom I would never speak to under normal circumstances, could make me feel so right. I actually wanted to go to school now to see him. The feelings that I his away since our last night in Kyoto came pouring back tenfold like a waterfall.
I wondered how he felt about me. I wondered if he told Mokuba-kun anything on the subject that I could weasel out of him.
I wondered, quite suddenly, what would happen if I told him how I felt.
I decided that I was not quite ready for that. That, if it ever happened, would be after time and only if he showed positive reactions to my being. I will remind myself, in order to give myself a reality check, that it was quite unlikely, because I was still a guy.
But just having a crush never really hurt, did it? So long as the feelings did not run too deep. That way, if something did go wrong, it would not hurt so much.
But you know what? Screw it! Tonight was far too good to place my average cynical thoughts into my head. My heart was beating like crazy.
Oh kami-sama, I actually made him smile.
I could tell Kawakami-sensei! He seemed like he cared about what happened to me. Maybe we could get tea again. I could buy my own, then, rather than have him treat me. That would be nice, and I could ask him for advice. Maybe he had a working gay-dar and could tell me if I even had a chance.
No, no, that was hoping way too much and would probably be more than a little awkward for him.
But still, Kaiba-kun smiled.
I put the keys down with my other stuff and got dressed for bed. I made sure that my alarm was set early enough for a morning shower, a luxury that I could afford, since I lived within good walking distance of the school. I turned out the lights and curled under my ruffled covers. This place was familiar, my asylum. I usually detested having to venture out from its walls, but that was changing. I was beginning to feel more and more emotions, ones that I previously thought were impossible for me to feel. The walls were becoming just walls, but I did not really mind. I was opening up to the world and to experiences because of fleeting, light feelings of happiness and infatuation. It almost felt like some magician put me in a box and changed me into a completely different person. However, if there was a magician involved, it would be Kaiba-kun, and he claimed to not believe in magic.
Kaiba-kun was the magic phantom behind the pale mask, hiding his face from the world, daring me without really trying, or possibly even wanting to, to open up and feel.
"I… don't know what you all faced before… and I also don't know what Kaiba did to you… I remember when I first met him on this island… even his appearance gives people the feeling that he is unapproachable, proud, and selfish. However, if he can risk his life for Mokuba, that shows he's not all that bad." –Bakura Ryou (Duelist Kingdom, chapter 112, page 8, Janime translation)
Irk, my sleep schedule is so off… right now, my nights are alternating as: sleep, no sleep, sleep, no sleep…
Wow, that last bit with the key reminded me of Love Mode. Except, well, um… Ryou's house didn't burn down, Seto's not the owner of a gay date club, and… well, there are a lot of differences. (Love Mode is a great manga, by the way. M-rated, but damn sweet. I think you can still download it at sakura-crisis.)
I've become addicted to Live Journal. I am Chibi Wildwolf on there. I just joined the Seto/Ryou one. Heh.
Lately, I've felt rather reminiscent. Three years, three months, and three days ago (not kidding, and this was not planned), I posted Yami Ryuu, which still holds the biggest place in my heart out of all of my fanfics. This came up in a phone conversation with a friend of mine. Wow, that means that I posted the first chapter of this fic three months and three days ago. That's weird.
Anyone seen the Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? Excellent Australian comedy starring Hugo Weaving, Terrance Stamp, and Guy Pearce as drag queen, transsexual, and drag queen, respectively. I just bought the DVD, which I was surprised that the store carried, since it would be considered international for me.
And I still don't know where this fic is going.
