Desires
I saw him today, in Company. He looks so lonely all the time- nothing to do, no one to love. I'm scared for him. He seems to be slipping further and further into this deep abyss that's impossible to escape. I want to help him escape. I need to- then I remember. I remember the promise I made, Gus, our life. If only there were some way to reverse it. If only there were some way I could turn back the clock, make a different choice.
"If only." Those words come to my mind a lot lately. Sometimes, it seems like my whole life is one, big "if only." If only I could help Mallet escape- that's my biggest "if only." I try to help him the best I can, but I'm afraid I'll go too far. Afraid that I'll lose control, surrender to my true feelings. Just like I almost did today...
"Harley." "Hey Mallet. How are you?" He just stares at me for a second, almost as if he doesn't know how he is. "I'm doing alright. How about you?" "Fine. I guess. It's weird, you know. Being back in the thick of all the Spaulding stuff again." "Yeah, I can imagine." Mallet chuckles... I always loved that chuckle. "How are your boys?" "They're doing great. They love having Gus around, you know, to be a sort of father figure. They need that, especially Zach." "Yeah, they do. And I'm sure..." His voice trailed off. "You're sure what?" He bit his bottom lip, which usually indicates nervousness. "I'm sure Gus is great with them." He says quietly, as he begins to leave. "No! Don't go!"
Wait. Did I just say that? I have to be careful; my feelings could shine through at any moment. "What?" Mallet turns around slowly, staring into my eyes... God I could just get lost in those blue eyes. "I don't want you to go, that's all. I like being around you." "I like being around you too. But you're acting very strangely, Cooper." I know I'm acting odd, I just... I want him. I want him... I need him... I love A.C. Mallet!
What happened after that, well, it's hard to explain. We just looked at each other, wondering what the other was thinking. Although, I know already that we were thinking the same thing. But what can I do? My hands are tied... I'm married to Gus. I love Gus. I just have to convince myself that I belong with Gus. "I belong with Gus. I love Gus. My life is with Gus. I love..."
Who do I love? What do I do? For the first time in my life, I'm torn between two men. But even if I love Mallet, I can't be with him. I would be cheating on Gus with the man who cheated on me! And I promised myself, swore to myself, that I'd never be unfaithful. But what if I lose control? What if my body and soul surrender to Mallet? What if my instincts tell me to go to him? No- they can't, I can't. I have to stay faithful. To Gus, and to myself.
