Thoughts

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I am, what I want, or where I belong. My life is just one big mess- and I don't know how to get out of it. I mean, one second, I'm happy and content, being here, with Gus, The Love Of My Life, then the next... I just don't know. I wish he never came back. I wish there were no such person as A.C. Mallet. I just want him to disappear. But do I really?

I'm beginning to wonder how I got to this place. A place where nothing seems right, nothing seems to be enough. I WANT it to be enough. I just wanna live my life with Gus, and my boys, but I can't as long as Mallet's around. Every time I see him I just- I can't explain it. It's like we're back in our house, in Florida, like nothing's changed. But everything's changed.

I'm with Gus now. I keep saying that... I keep telling myself, and everyone else, that I love him, and I want to be with him. But I'm not even sure that I mean it. It seems to be the most logical choice- the safest, so to speak, because of everything that's gone on between Mallet and I. But throughout it all, even when I was with Phillip, Gus, everyone, I never, EVER fell out of love with Mallet. And that scares me. It scares me to death. And I'm tired of being so damn scared all the time!