Feel
I want Yugioh GX. It's coming to WB in September. Give me GX. I want Manjyoume and Ryou (different Ryou) and Yuuki and Sho and Daitokuchi-sensei and Seto with his 2-minute-or-whatever guest appearance. And Yuugi and his 30-second guest appearance.
I'm not crazy. It just feels entirely too weird to actually get this far on a fic, or any piece of writing. Wow. And people actually still read it!
And I will keep bugging you people to get a livejournal account and JOIN THE SETO/RYOU COMMUNITY. The Net address is in my bio.
Necropolis Demon: Fluff? --innocent face-- What's that? Is it tasty?
Unfortunately, I don't think this will continue much longer. I'm trying to think of what will happen in the end, and I have a general idea… the only thing is: how much semi-believable stuff can I shove between now and then?
Mm, later, there will be some pronunciation notes written in parenthesis. Those are notes from me to you, not actually in the dialogue.
This chapter, seriously, is brain vomit.
Chapter 10
Love
Dear notebook that I am now calling a journal of sorts so that I can sort out the various events going on in my life,
This week has passed rather quickly.
Tuesday, May 10th
Today, I went to Kaiba-kun's house to work on an English project. Since I guess you aren't psychic and don't know how Kaiba-kun is, I'll tell you. He's the guy I like. But there's a long story back there, and I don't feel like writing it all down.
He gave me a key to his house on Sunday. I still almost don't believe it. Today was the first day I had to use it.
I stood in front of Kaiba-kun's house. He was already home, I assumed. I had the key that he gave me. I held it in my hand and blushed lightly. My mocha-high was over and I was back to being contemplative, quiet me. The funny thing was, Kawakami-sensei actually apologized earlier for giving me coffee. Then I had to explain it to Yuugi-tachi, who found it hilarious. Hah, glad I entertained them.
But there I was, staring at the key slot as if it would jump out and eat me if I touched it. Why was I doing this? Yeah, project. And I could see Kaiba-kun and Mokuba-kun. I just had to get this gate open. It felt very difficult, almost as if I did not want to admit that I could open it up.
Come on, you just swipe the card through.
I set the card at the top of the slot and held it there. Would it really work? My mind had no doubt, but some pessimistic part of me questioned.
No, of course it will work. After all, we have to finish this project.
Ah, come on, you idiot!
I tugged the card through the slot in some sort of personal defiance. A green light blipped up and the gate unlocked. As if I were a child going to a haunted mansion, I slid the gate open just enough to allow my body to slip through. Hurriedly, but as quietly as I could, I closed the gate.
Time for the trip up to the front door. It was not my first time unaccompanied, but my first time to actually have a key in my hand and to be able to enter on my own.
The key fit into the lock. I turned it and heard the lock click. It felt almost like I was opening some unknown treasure.
"You look like you're remembering something painful."
Should I really open the door? The thought bit at me.
"I want to know what you thought…"
I did not know what to do.
"…you should have a key to let yourself in."
I opened the door.
Kaiba-kun was smiling.
"Hello?" I asked as I stepped into the entrance hall. I closed the door lightly behind me, though kept my hand on the knob, just to give myself a sense of security. After all, if some attack animal or anti-white-haired girly boy security system should go off, I felt that I should give myself every possible chance to escape. "Kaiba-kun? Mokuba-kun? It's Bakura Ryou."
I heard steps coming down the stairs. There were a few moments before Kaiba-kun appeared before me, no longer in school uniform, but in a black turtleneck shirt and dark jeans, both casually tight.
That was not my nose bleeding, was it? No, no.
"Bakura-kun," he greeted.
"Good afternoon," I smiled in reply. I suddenly felt very out of place in my school uniform, but there was nothing that I could do about that.
"Let's get to work."
Yeah, he's so… cool. And he does not glare at me when I smile at him.
He gives me reasons to smile.
Wednesday, May 11th
I asked Kaiba-kun an awkward question today. It had to do with the English language, which is one of the banes of my existence. Ah, let's not get me started.
"Kaiba-kun, how difficult is it to really learn English?"
He seemed confused that I would ask such a question. That was a new emotion for him to show me: confusion. Usually, I was the confused one, showing all vulnerability. But now, I seemed to surprise him.
"I learned it at a young age, so it was probably easier than it would be for someone of our current ages." He did not answer my question, something that the last week or so taught me to deal with. Not just from him, from everyone.
"Plus," I added, "you're a genius."
"You are not stupid."
Ever since I first set foot in this house, Kaiba-kun acted different. Hell, even before then, he acted like this sometimes, namely Kyoto. He would become strangely conversational when we were alone. It was gradual, but he would carry on conversations that I started, give positive input, and say little things like that, which made me feel so much more optimistic about myself.
It was gradual, but I was beginning to feel more and more comfortable around him and was able to start the aforementioned conversations.
I blushed, but did not answer.
Our paper was half written. We would collaborate on what to write, and he would translate it with an ease that I was jealous of. He seemed to do everything with ease. He was speaking to me easier, opening up, talking, and showing different emotions to me as they came, one by one. Why did he choose me to show them to?
It was gradual, but my heart was starting to feel heavier and heavier with something.
"Do you think that you can help me?"
I did not want our contact to end after this project ended. The idea made my stomach nauseous with a panicky feeling.
"What do you need help on?"
"Well," mostly everything I could get help on, "pronunciation. That word used to indicate nouns, 'the,' for example." When writing English book titles or whatnot in katakana, the word 'the' would be written with the symbol for the sound, 'za' (pronounced: z-ah). That was how we were taught to pronounce it as well.
"Pronunciation comes with practice."
I knew that, really. I just wanted to know if there were any shortcuts.
"Try this," he continued after a few moments. "Put the tip of your tongue out and let the front of your top row of teeth touch the rest of it." I did so. I felt very, very stupid. "Now try saying, 'ze' (pronounced z-eh)."
I came out with some guttural sound. There was a vibration on my tongue when I did it that was different from all of the sounds that came with the Japanese language. It tickled.
I started laughing and lost my mouth position. "A-are you sure that works?" I was turning red along with my laughter.
"It's a start," his face was soft. It made me smile, though that was hidden within the laughs that I was trying to control. "Once you get that down, try to replace the 'e' (pronounced 'eh') sound with an 'i' (pronounced 'ee') sound. It will be more difficult, though."
I went and tried it instantly. The result made me laugh harder until my eyes watered. It was certainly an unconventional method of teaching! I was not about to ask about how to make the 'l' sound, though!
My sides were starting to hurt and I felt so ridiculous. But that was just fine.
I looked at Kaiba-kun. He was covering his mouth with one hand and his shoulders were shaking. Oh God, was he laughing? He knew that I saw him laughing, too, and my face reddened, but I continued to laugh. He really looked as if he did not know what to do with himself, so he laughed. I could hear it, now. It was unsure, quiet, but still there.
"Th-eh," I tried again, but was interrupted with another burst of laughter. It was dying down, but still felt so good. My sides were hurting, but not in a bad way.
I looked at Kaiba-kun with a smile and a blush and he was looking at me with a smile in return. It just… it felt so right. We were two teenagers, and it felt so severely like we were just two friends who shared a joke that I almost believed that we did know each other quite well.
But no, reality struck, we were teenagers, but not really friends. We laughed at the same thing, but I would probably never see it again.
I got him to laugh.
It did not make my stomach feel as jittery as when he smiled at me. It just gave me some sense of relief, some feeling of fulfillment. I was happy that he laughed. It was not euphoria, but some real happiness. It was something that I was growing more and more accustomed to feeling.
I wanted to stay in this place, not an asylum, but some sort of sanctuary.
Nonetheless, I felt very stupid doing that exercise. Or, at least now I do. When I was with Kaiba-kun, it was alright.
I got him to laugh. That… I do not know how to react to that.
I think I should go practice some more.
Thursday, May 12th
Thursday was not anything special, really. I went to school, went to Kaiba-kun's house, stayed for dinner again, and then came home to sleep.
I did run into a few embarrassing things at school.
"Theh." I spat it off of my tongue. It was before first period and Yuugi-tachi was staring at me again, something that they had grown accustomed to doing.
"Bakura-kun, what are you doing?"
"Practicing English."
That got some looks. They knew that I hated the English language with a fiery passion. I still did, by the way, because whoever created the language that eventually evolved into the modern language was crazy, but it now had some redeeming qualities. Just not enough to make me really like the language.
I almost had what I deemed 'Step One' down. I spent a good part of last night trying it. After I could say it smoothly, I would add the 'i' sound.
"Theh."
Kaiba-kun came in and I blushed. The image of his laugh came with him.
"What made you so interested in practicing English?"
I shrugged. "I just thought that it might be good to be able to pronounce a lot of it. I mean, a lot of Japanese dealings are with America." That was not a real answer from me. They knew that I did not care the least bit about international business.
"Who taught you how to do that?"
My eyes widened a little. "Um…" crap. "Kaiba-kun."
"Really?"
I nodded. Ah, I felt so embarrassed. Anzu-chan and Honda-kun knew things, and I felt that it was only a matter of time before the other two did as well. And since Jounouchi-kun had a bad habit of not keeping his mouth closed, the entire class would know by the end of the same day, and that would include Kaiba-kun. He did not need to know how I felt about him.
Though, what I had felt back then, when all of this first started in Kyoto, felt like almost nothing compared to the magnitude of swirling emotions that plagued me now. I started by being physically attracted, then I liked him, then I really liked him, and now… it was some new, uncharted level, but what exactly, I did not know. It just felt so deep and dark that I was almost afraid of exploring it, but the idea of being without it hurt.
What was it?
My heart was beating, it felt, differently than it normally did. It was not the speed of the beats that was different, but that it was pounding. It was not the volume that made pounding, but the depth. My heart felt as if it were reaching further and further with each beat. Things were happening to me, and they confused me.
I had a thought of what this was. There was just the slightest notion in my mind of what caused this pain, this shortness of breath, but it was too impossible.
Though, looking at the turns of current events, hardly anything seemed impossible. Yes, this included physic powers and my gay-dar. The only thing that actually popped up in my mind as 'impossible' was Jounouchi-kun becoming quiet and studious and Kaiba-kun reciprocating what I felt. It may sound dangerously cynical, but that was how I felt. The chances of Kaiba-kun returning my feelings seemed like absolute zero. I mean, sure, I was closer to him than the others. I was actually able to admit that to myself, at least, but look at it from perspective. The chances of Kaiba-kun being gay were very slim, let alone him liking me.
But we were still… close. How did that happen? He himself told me that he did not trust people enough to let them close to him, but somehow, we were. Somehow, I…
There was that unnamed emotion again. I did not know what to call it.
Whatever you call it, it was changing my perspective on everything.
He makes my heart hurt.
Hey, did you know that my teacher may actually be a five-year-old? That is just what I think, though. He's a little weird.
Other than that, Thursday was mostly uneventful. Except, between the previously narrated segment and going to Kaiba-kun's house, I was stopped by Kawakami-sensei.
"Bakura-kun," he called me over in a whispered voice. I raised my eyebrow and went to him. His actions looked comical and almost exaggerated. He handed me a folded piece of paper. "Here, my advice on your current situation."
I unfolded the paper and stared. Oh my—what the hell is this?
There was… a stick figure with outlined hair that, I supposed, looked like it may have represented me. Next to it was very messy kanji with an arrow pointing to the stick figure of me. It said, 'Tell Kaiba-kun you like him!'
Did I mention that it was drawn in crayon?
"What the," my voice trailed off. I looked from the paper to sensei, who was blushing.
"I was bored," he answered, as if that was a reason. Are you really over twenty? He had a really happy childlike grin on his face. "See? That's the only way to resolve everything!"
Sometimes I wondered about the people that this school hired.
I said that Thursday was mostly uneventful in my journal, but that was the night that the dreams started. I was a little surprised that I had not started to dream about Kaiba-kun earlier, since he occupied most of my thoughts as of late, but I desist.
In my dreams, he was kissing me, touching me. I could almost feel his hands on my hips, drawing me closer, warmer, traveling up and down my back. Kisses ranging from butterfly-light to almost painfully rough left hot breath all over my face and neck. I knew that it was wrong, that I had to stop it, but I could not. I would not. My heart was pounding and I could feel my body heating up. He was doing all sorts of things to me that made me want to cry out.
"K-Kaiba-kun," I choked out. I did not want to leave those arms. I wanted his blue eyes to stare at me forever, even if personal cynicism found the idea of forever childish.
"I love you."
So, perhaps Thursday was rather eventful.
Friday, May 13th
…Let us not talk about waking up Friday morning.
I woke up that morning horribly uncomfortable for entirely male reasons. I was very glad for my shower that morning.
I almost decided to skip school, but then I remembered that today was the last day that I would go to Kaiba-kun's house. I could not miss a day like this.
Our paper was finished, we (meaning just he) had to proofread it and print it.
The dream embarrassed me. My face was red and I felt ashamed. I knew that I would not be able to look him in the eyes.
"I love you." One of us said that. I was not sure whether it was me or him. After all, it was just a dream. But those words made me think. Did I love him? Almost two weeks ago, I was denying that I liked him. A little less than that, I told myself quite clearly that I would not allow myself to love him. That was the compromise between head and heart, was it not?
It was smart to disallow my feelings to go that far. That way, when I was denied, whether by word or action, consciously or not, it would not hurt so much. But now… Fate was laughing mockingly at me.
Too much was coming at me at once. There was this emotion so profound it stabbed, and then there was this onslaught of… lust that burned.
I could not have fallen in love with him over the past week, could I? No, it was impossible.
But then again, what was impossible?
When I was with Kaiba-kun, it felt like anything was possible.
I pulled my jacket on and walked out the door, destined for school. It was warm outside, which I was glad of. I walked alone, as I normally did, but the thoughts still buzzed.
Am I in love with him?
Again, I was afraid of stewing over the thought so much that it became synthetically true. But I still felt the same emotion as before these thoughts; I just now had a catalyst that made me think about it.
If I loved him, I couldn't stop it. If I loved him, it snuck up on me. If I loved him, it happened eventually, growing slowly and unknown until it was too late to uproot.
If I loved him, why did it hurt to think about?
Once again, I was the first one in the class. That happened often enough. I set my bag down and sat heavily. I could not get those thoughts out of my head. Love. What was it about him? Was it his body, his grace, his voice? Was it his personality that he hid under the rude exterior? I wanted to bury myself and hide.
It did not help that he was the second one to walk into the classroom. That was highly unusual for him.
"Bakura-kun," his smooth voice shook my willpower, "would you like to ride to my place with me?"
I could not look at him in the eyes. I tried and blushed miserably. I remembered that dream. His hands… his eyes! I was ashamed of myself. How could I have that dream? I wanted to curl up and die.
"Bakura-kun," still, he persisted, "are you alright?"
My eyes shot up to his and I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." Liar, you're still blushing. "I just did not get enough sleep last night." Think, think, think! "As to answer your question," no, walk! "I would be glad to ride with you." I forced a smile. Idiot Ryou!
He looked unconvinced. "Are you sure that there's nothing wrong with you?"
"Yeah," I laughed, "I just had a hard time sleeping last night."
He was silent for a few moments. I thought that he was going to leave to his desk. "Did something happen?"
Why was he asking so many questions?
I shook my head. "You worry too much." Kaiba-kun, worry about someone else? A year ago I would not have thought that possible. Hell, if you had told me that he could care for anyone besides himself and Mokuba-kun two-and-a-half weeks ago, I would have wondered what medication you forgot to take. If you would have told me that he would worry about me and that I would feel like this, I would have gone to the school counselor and had one of us committed to an institution.
He himself gave me a look that told me that he thought what I just said was improbable. But then again, he was the one who did it. He was the one that cared, for some odd, teasing reason.
Someone else entered the classroom and Kaiba-kun walked off without another word.
Kaiba-kun is a strange person, at times. His duality is so severe that one would think that he had a split personality, and yet, of all people that I have met in my life, he has the strongest cling to reality. Sure, he was ready to commit suicide a little after I first met him at Duelist Kingdom, but that was because he knew that his life would be empty without Mokuba-kun. That was reality. He sets goals for himself that would normally seem impossible to fulfill, yes, and he has his aspirations, but because of his position, they are all within reach. He may switch between two seemingly different people, but they do have that in common—a strong bond with reality.
Those are just my thoughts, though. I know that there is plenty about him that I will never know.
It was my last time to go to Kaiba-kun's place, to be a part of this intimate setting. After today, I would have no reason to return without an actual admittance from both of us that there was some sort of relationship, platonic or otherwise, between us.
Was there something, some sort of bond between us? I entertained the fancy that, maybe, there was something. I knew there was from my side, but his… his emotions were still so much of a mystery to me.
"Nii-sama!" Mokuba-kun burst into the room and stopped. "Ah, Bakura-kun's here? I thought you were done with the project."
"I need to proofread and print it," Kaiba-kun answered.
"That'll take all of five minutes," the younger rolled his eyes.
That was right—that was all that we needed to do. Then why did Kaiba-kun seem to make certain that I came today? Heck, he even drove me over! He's smart enough to know that this would not really need my presence.
Kaiba-kun still confused me.
"Well, anyways," Mokuba-kun continued, "I was going to ask if we could go out for ice cream. I have this weird craving for cold, sugar-related food."
"Is that any different from normal?" He paused, "don't we have any downstairs?"
"I ate the rest of it two days ago." He formed his face into that sad, pleading face of his. "We can bring Bakura-kun along! It can be like a date!"
The way he said it made it sound like an innocent outing between two brothers and a friend, if I had to be classified. However, knowing Mokuba-kun's mischievous impishness, his request was probably full of subtle innuendos. I knew I was right, too, because he grinned at my blush. Kami-sama, if even a kid could figure it out, then I was as transparent as glass. Clean glass, not smudged.
Kaiba-kun made a low sound that almost sounded like an annoyed sigh. He turned to me. "Do you want to go?"
"I don't wan to imp—"
"Let's go." Kaiba-kun set the computer to print. Wait, wasn't he going to proofread it?
"You didn't let me finish," I mumbled, mostly to myself. Since when did I become brave (or perhaps suicidal) enough to talk back to Kaiba-kun?
"You're not imposing," he answered simply.
"But," I started. Before I could say anything else, he placed a hand on my back and half-led, half-pushed me out of the room.
Oh… he was touching me so firmly. The action seemed as if it should have been petty, but he was touching me. It was such a simple action to deal with a balking person, but it made me feel… light.
He grabbed a jacket as we went. I had the brain power to notice that it was a normal black jacket and not one of his long coats. Imagine that. Well, he looked good in it!
I was compliant the entire trip to the ice cream place, which I seriously did not know existed. Then again, I never really ate much of the stuff. I settled for vanilla on a plain cone and wondered if I could get mocha to go with it. Sure, it would be strange to have a hot drink and cold food, but hey! It balanced, somehow.
I never really picture Kaiba-kun as a fan of strawberry. Then again, I never really pictured him eating ice cream, let alone in public, but hey. At least I could tell what he was eating. Mokuba-kun decided to try some weird 'new flavor' that was multicolored. He sat across from us, eating happily. Yes, he was sitting across from us, meaning that I was sharing a side with Kaiba-kun. I swear that Mokuba-kun planned this as well.
Well, at least that meant that he supported it! And younger siblings a lot of times get their ideals from the older ones; especially really close siblings, so maybe Kaiba-kun wouldn't mind? But then again, that was just my weird hope talking to me. Logic said that it would be natural for him to freak out (but only mentally, since he cannot openly show emotion) if I professed.
Good job Ryou, your self esteem just lowered again.
But here I was, eating ice cream with him and his brother on a Friday afternoon. And for some reason, it just felt right. I felt like I belonged there, right by his side.
By his side. That sounded odd. But it felt alright to think of. By his side.
It was too late to stop it now, was it not? I noticed, bit by bit along the way, but never stopped these feelings. I had already fallen in love with Kaiba-kun, it just took some time to realize. There was no denying myself that did indeed I loved him. I smiled to myself and it went unnoticed. How could I be such a fool?
But I did not feel foolish. I just felt content.
Love is an awkward thing, though. It makes me want to know more and more about him. I want to stay by his side for as long as I can. I want to be of some use to him, I know. I want to feel the same feeling that I had in that parlor for the rest of my life. I just want to feel.
Kaiba-kun did not need directions to my complex this time. He remembered things very well.
I did not expect him to put the car into park and get out with me. My heart was jumpy and hurting because of it. It hurt as he walked me to the doors of my complex.
"I'll have the print out tomorrow," he said quietly. I may have not known much about him, but I could tell that that was not what he wanted to talk about, not really. I needed strength to bring up the question, but last time I did that, there were horrible consequences. However, it was a necessary evil.
"Kaiba-kun," the name flowed off of my lips so easily. My heart was hurting so badly, "what are we?" Were we friends? Where we partners for a project? Were we something as farfetched as unrequited lovers?
Were we nothing?
I was surprised that I had the courage to look at him as I asked that. I was fairly timid by nature, I knew, but this was something that I had to do. I had to know if my love was for nothing. This was for all or nothing.
I felt like I wanted to cry, not out of sadness or frustration, merely out of the severity of the situation.
I stared into Kaiba-kun's eyes as he made eye contact with me and I felt my stomach become nervous. I knew what he was going to do before he did it, just from that look in his eyes, so I was not surprised as he leaned over and kissed me softly. It was so different than the first time. This time, it felt as if he was asking permission, rather than just acting on his own accord. I could feel his tongue gently enter my mouth as his hands traveled up my arms to grasp just below my shoulder. My own hands held the front of his jacket.
It felt almost desperate.
Then, slowly, he began to pull away, as if afraid of the consequences that would inevitably come once it ended. His hands left my arms languidly, as did mine from him. I had to smile nervously as I realized that it had been real; I could still taste that bit of strawberry and Kaiba-kun.
He lingered for a few more seconds. "Good night," he said quietly, finally, as he walked at a moderate pace back to his car. As he opened the door, he looked over at me once more. I was still smiling like an idiot and lost in the moment. He smiled back, softly, briefly, like the kiss itself, before removing himself from my view by getting into the car.
I sighed to myself and took out the keys to the complex doors. I felt so incredibly lightheaded. It was a good feeling.
Kaiba-kun did not drive off until the door closed behind me. I took my time walking up to my floor, enjoying the night air. I could hardly feel myself walking. I was floaty, like all of those girls in shoujo manga.
I closed the door of my apartment behind me and sighed. This kiss was so different from the last one. I felt so much come out of it. He never answered what it was that we were, but did I really need an answer anymore? Whatever we were, it was alright. The way he held me, the look in his eyes, the feel of him, they were all different from before.
Perhaps it was just my foolish hope, but I thought that, maybe, he meant it.
To summarize, today had been really good. My heart was beating firmly and I really was content with myself.
Insert small mental relapse here.
Oh crap, Mokuba-kun was in the car when we did that!
That pronunciation exercise? I actually sat there for half an hour, trying it. Don't lie, some of you tried it, too! (Actually, that was my favorite part to type of, like, the whole story.)
Oh my god, Kenjirou Tsuda has, like, the sexiest voice. He does Seto and a guy named Inui Sadaharu from Prince of Tennis. Because Prince of Tennis has 200+ songs, most of which are characters songs, ONE of Sadaharu's three songs has to have him actually singing. I love his voice. I want to marry him. He's thirty-four. So, in listening to the Tennis character sing, I got to hear Seto sing. Yeah, sexy voice, in my opinion. Love voice. Orgasm. Obsess. Drool. Yay. Must listen to again. Nosebleed. Sad song. Cry. Daijoubu Sada, Kaoru loves you! -runs off mumbling about Sadaharu, Seto, and Kenjirou Tsuda-
Feel the power of my scrambled brain the midst of several fandoms! Blargh!
Remember! SETO/RYOU LIVEJOURNAL COMMUNITY! Web address is in my bio. Join. It's free! We need life!
Federer won the Wimbledon finals! Wootness! And kudos to Roddick, we love him, too.
And I don't know whether or not I will be able to put the next chapter up before leaving on vacation. I may be able to break writers' block, and I may be able to work while driving, but those are maybes. I hope. Sorry!
