Cass

The look on her face were priceless when Jackie came down into lobby and sees me standin' there.

It were like she'd just stepped in dogshite, so I says to meself, "Cass, lad, maybe this weren't such a good idea after all."

But she took me upstairs to her flat, and that were a start.

Her place were posh, real posh, like inna magazine or a movie - all white - walls, rugs and furniture.

I suddenly felt a wee bit conspicuous in me big boots an' coat drippin on her good rugs. Maybe this wasn't such a fuckin' brilliant idea after all?

Then she up an' abandons me to fuckin' Perrier an' crappucino - says she's got to pack or summat and we needed to be out before midnight.

Wait up, yeh don't know what the fuck I'm talkin' about, does yeh?

Well, I'll tell yeh how it started.

It started down in a little bar down on, never-yeh-mind! Let's just say it started in a bar on a Friday night not long after I got up 'round sundown. I were sittin' w' me seventh pint a' Becks and a rare steak f' company. That's when the phone rings.

The barkeep says, "Big Mamma Cass? Phone!"

Now, I don't likes to judge, but Big Mamma Cass be unnatural, an' not because she were a diesel dyke and a fuckin' vegetarian! She weighed a'least thirty stone and were bigger than most men! Her voice were like a man's too, an' she smelled.

So, she picks up the phone and I can't help but overhear even in the din from the jukebox an' the Friday night crush - 's all part ah me condition yeh know.

Seems she had a friend what had a wee sister what got dumped by a good f' nuttin' dago an she wants'ta move back home to St. Louis to take a job with Budweiser. Would Big Mamma wanna ride with her seein' as she were thinkin' 'bout moving there anyway?

Budweiser? Ahhhh, says I, now there's a wee bit of fun. Why should it be wasted on a woman wi' thighs bigger 'round than me chest and what smells like feet an' dirty laundry? She's Cass, I'm Cass, but this Cass is gonna get the prize! Seh wha' if Budweiser is close to fuckin' water, beer is beer! An if the wee sister's pretty, wha-hey-hey!

'Sides, I needs to leave town in a hurry, non-ah yeh business why, an' a wee bit a company on the trip wouldn't hurt!

Then the bastard on the other side a' the phone gives the wee sister's address an' number an' I writes it down on a matchbook.

So does Big Mamma Cass.

What to do?

So I picks her pocket an' steals her copy of the address in the crush. Then I starts a fight leavin' Big Mamma Cass in the middle of things while I sneaks out the back door once the cops show up and shower everyone in sight wi' nightsticks an' mace.

Never could stand that mace shite, burns the eyes right out of me face. Leaves me blind an hurts like hell an' they takes days to grow back.

A right pain in the arse is mace...where was I?

'Twere a shame, to leave a good fight before gettin' in me fair share o' teeth and slat kickin's, but I had a job to do.

Oh right, before I took the subway, I also pushes Big Mamma Cass's car a few feet over in front of a fire hydrant and then stuck me switchblade inna back tires f' good measure in case the cops didn't do the job f' me - I figured that would hold her until me an' the wee sister's clean outta town!

I gets off subway, then walks three blocks in fuckin' miserable rain, an' I know I've been here before though things have changed a wee bit in eighty years or seh. Yeah, I'm older than I look, aye? Yeh wouldn't believe me if I told yeh how much older so I won't waste me time tellin' yeh then!

Where was I? Aye, right!

Shite, I knew tha' neighborhood felt familiar! Th' buildin' Jackie's livin' in was a mattress factory back in the 20s tha' Cass used to be night watchman for when he wasn't diggin subway tunnels. Tha' place were a doddle - Cass'd make his rounds, then doss down on stack a mattresses an' smoke - any wanker what broke in to steal tools an' shite were a bonus once I got me hands on him! Now th' place was a place f' rich ejits to have posh big flats in. "Seh," I says to mesel', "Not only is this bit a' fanny workin' f' Budweiser in th' near future, she's rich! Cass, yeh lucky motherfucker, yeh've hit gold. Jaysis but I hope she don't have a face like th' back end a baboon in flu season!"

Seh, I tells th' piss faced receptionist guardin th' front lobby t' call up on intercom an' let me Jackie know tha' Cass were here. Aye, all these posh places be locked up tight so yeh can't get in unless yeh either know someone or get nasty wi' crowbar. She answers, an' hey, she doesn't sound ugly, seh our fears maybe were groundless?

Then herself comes down to let us in. And she's not half bad, slim, 'bout Cass' size, and fuck me sideways, she smells fantastic! (Too bad she's flat-chested, though, I likes a lass wi' shelf to lean on!)

Fuck, she's frigid! Ah, owd Cass take care a that once she gets t' know him.

Seh, up the elevator we go t' her place (which I described for yeh earlier), but then, then she leaves me to that fuckin' shite crappucino and mineral water, can yeh believe the cruelty a' that? I almost told her t' piss off an' leave - but it were rainin' out there, an' miserable cold, seh I let it pass an' spend a quiet night watchin' movies on cable that I remember payin' a nickle t' see when they first come out - fuck, there's worse way t' kill time on a bad night, believe me!

Things began t' look up when I poke 'round in th' fridge an find a bottle a' froggie wine, the good shite, and she catches me at it. "Uh oh. Cass," says I to meself, "Y'done it now." But instead she hands me an ashtray which is a little bit a' all right there, and tells me that her ex took all the booze. Shite, no wonder she's frigid!

Speak of the devil, the bastard shows up wi' his boyfriend an' starts blowin' smoke.

I knows all about that kind, nice an respectable during the day, what goes poncin' 'bout bars at night all toughlike in studded black leather lookin' f' a bit of the rough stuff in th' alley out behind. Hit 'em once an' they folds up like a wet newspaper. Not that I would know anything about that shite, yeh know!

Anyway, he an' his bumboy starts in on me bird, yeh, me bird, because I'da decided already, bitchy an' stingy as she were, Jackie were worth wooin' even if it were for a short time on account o' her bein' a class act an' workin for a brewery. Cass don't get access to posh fanny all that often, an' I could already tell that she were startin' to thaw out in me general direction when she give me that ashtray - Cass doesn't mind a little extra work if the goal's in plain sight, yeh see?

So I restrains meself an' merely lightly mops the floor with both fuckers when I could'a killed both easy with one light caress from the back'a me hand - an' me right glad to do it too. Can't stand the rich ones what think they own everythin' in sight and what hangs 'round in bars hopin' to get lucky - if yeh's wankers seh great, how comes yeh has the pay for it?

Seh, afterwards, I thinks, "Cass, yer in: she clings on yeh back like a limpet, an' even tries to pull yeh out of the fight just when it's gettin' good - she wants yeh bad, she does, she does!" An the ciggie? I could taste her when I took the one she'd lit up and put in her mouth to tell ejit #1and ejit #2 where they could put it all - so sweet I wants the whole package to meself!

Jackie's so rattled she cancels our early departure, which is just as well 'cause the sun were comin' up fast and me condition doesn't like that as yeh well know. So I follows her into her bedroom like a good lad for me hard earned reward for takin' care of things seh proper w'out bein' even asked.

What the fuck?

She turns 'round, gives me the stinkeye and bids me sleep in tha' ponce Paolo's bedroom!

What'd Cass do wrong?

Then she locks' th' fuckin' door, leavin' owd Cass out in th' cold.

Ah, why argue? Tain't worth it! Not when fuckin' skylights be getting brighter an' brighter. Seh, I goes into Paolo's room, hopin' the room has no skylights and at least some curtains t' shut out th' light.

I goes in and about sneezes me fuckin' head off - the ejit's room is one big cologne puddle, enough t' make yehs wanna puke! Cass thought Paolo-bugger stank with the shite when he was beatin' dents in the floor wi' his head, but his room? Fuck me sideways! Th' bugger must bathe in the stuff! An' th' smell of all those other men on mattress brings back too many bad memories f' owd Cass - who can sleep in all tha' stink?

Well, more work f' owd Cass, he finds a spare john - brilliant! Not one bloody window, an th' door locks seh Cass doesn't have worry about some stupid bollicks openin' th' door at high noon and watchin' Cass blow up like Semtex th' moment th' sun hits him.

Seh after washin' out me socks an' other stuff in sink, I lies there in the dark in the tub in Jackie's spare bathroom atop me sleepin' bag an big pile a towels f' paddin' wi' the door locked up tight breakin' the Pope's heart. Hey, even if she gave me th' brush-off, me dick an' balls be scream' an who can sleep wi' all tha' nonsense goin' on down there?

I lays there all easy after the dirty deed be done, smokin' an' listenin' to her in the bedroom.

She's cryin'?

Ah Cass yeh big wanker, I says to meself, fuck this shite! If she'da only let yeh in she wouldn'a be cryin' over that fucker Paolo wossisname an' yeh wouldn't have to be calmin' yourself down all by yeh lonsome. She'd be askin f' more a' wha' yeh keeps in yeh trousers and afterwards yeh both be cuddlin' up all nice an' snug out of the sunlight, with yeh smellin' the perfume in her hair an' all.

An' then, maybe, maybe she'd get teh like yeh a little and let yeh stay, which is somethin' Cass could use, because truth be told, money and beer aside, Cass is more'n a wee bit lonely right now...maybe she'd let yeh stay in her life just a wee bit longer?

Jus' thinkin' 'bout that got me only real friend in this cold owd world stirred up all over again.

So I falls asleep, all stirred up w' no place to go.