Cass

Big Mamma Cass cornered me right after I put me trowse into coin-op washer an' started it up.

She brought the entire herd a' coos with her.

"You little shit!" She grabbed me shirt an were shakin me back and forth like I were a baby rattle, me head bouncin' off the dryer behind me, thump-thump, "Thanks to you I missed out on taking take care of a friend's little sister. Instead I got sixteen stitches on my chin where you ducked that big fucker swinging that broken bottle, and I got my car towed!"

Yeh, I knows, I knows, I can take on six or more an' win, thanks to me condition. But ugly as she were, Big Mamma Cass were a woman, a' ugly woman, but yeh don't goes aroun' hittin' women or yeh go straight to hell to moment yeh dies!

Even if they be beatin' yeh wi' kitchen table!

Me da' said, "Never hit a woman son, 'cause if I hears about it, I'll thump yeh black a' blue so yeh remebers me words."

Me oul man, he were a man of his word 'cause when I smacked Jenny O'Rourke inna gob f' callin' our ma a hoor, he took me out behin' our tenement an beat me so hard wi' razor strap I hurt f' days. I were only eight at time an' she were six, but I remembers what he said when I told 'im what Jenny called our ma after I tossed her ragdoll down the well because I was sweet on her, me da' said, "It still don't make it right to hit no female and I want yeh to remember that so yeh don' burn in Hell!"

Too bad I sometimes forgets wha' he told me that day, cause sometimes when I gets mad... So wi' Big Mamma Cass, I lets her have 'er wicked way wi' me on accoun' a me rememberin' me da's righteous words at wrong time. Tha' and it were a wee too public a place f' a real roister, it yehs catch me meanin. Ah shite, why now?

So I says, in between thumps a me head on the dryer, "Jaysis! That weren't me, who is yeh, lass?"

"Liar! You know who I am!" Big Mamma bellows an she plants a knee right between me legs and I feel one a' me dick's two best mates go pop-squish, "You ruined my beautiful face, and you're gonna pay for it you filthy Irish turd, stomp him sisters!"

Slippin' an' slidin' on the soap what I spilt when Big Mamma Cass startled me, I tries to get away, tryin' not to puke from what she done to me weddin' tackle, but her mates move in on me and they have a wee bit of a kickin' party. Remember them silly shites what did Riverdance? Well, that's what it felt like, Riverdancers an all they mates an' they mate's mates, an they mate's mate's mates, all a'dancin' on me a' once, 'stead a' them dancin' slippers, they's in Doc Martins!

Finally I manages to get mesel' out from under the hooves, all covered wi soap a' blood, an' I makes a run for th' door an out into passageway. Jaysis, me balls was swellin' up like basketballs and it were hard to run it hurt seh bad!

The whole herd of 'em comes after me, really angry now.

I says to mesel', "Cass, if yeh can get out into open, yeh can lose 'em an' no harm done. Yeh can always get yeh trousers back once yeh shake 'em." Seh I spits out met front teeth and runs into the restaurant, knockin' over th' waitress wi' tray a grub.

I looks back - Big Mamma Cass an' her mates are now starin' down a whopppin' size a' trucker type wi' hot gravy an' mash dribblin' down 'is forehead, so I slips into broom closet f' breather out by the johns.

I spends a few minutes pukin' me guts out in th' mop sink - that woman ha' knee wha' felt like bein' hit by a freight train! Someone kicked in me slats as well - I could feel 'em movin 'round in me chest an' it hurt to breathe.

Shite! The door rattles an' I grab th' knob - I been cornered once, won't be cornered again on th' same night. Why coudn'a Big Mamma Cass been a lad? I would'a thumped 'im a good one an' that been it!"

"Cass. I know you're in there, I can hear you breathing."

What a relief, it were me Jackie, though I didn't want me bird to see me in this condition. It might put her off me f' good!

"Go 'way." I says, "I'm busy."

"Like hell you are. I don't know what you said to set those women off, but Security's busy macing them in the dining room. You can come out now." I believed her, I could hear cursin' an dishes breakin' down' th' passageway.

"Shan't."

"Why not?" All business is our Jackie, even if she be a tightwad!

"I don't have me trowse on!" That an' me y-fronts is now all soaked w' blood —not a sight to inspire a lass to want to have a wee bit a fun later on. Seh what if th' bleedin's stopped a'ready an' th' swellin's gone down thanks to me condition!

"Bad excuse, I found your bag in the laundromat. Now open the goddamn door!"

Seh I lets go a' doorknob and she slides me bag in. Me wet jeans an boots be on top.

"It were all a wee misunderstandin'."

"I bet it was." I could hear her leanin' against th' door as I tosses th' y-fronts an' pulls on me best pair Levis, the ones wi' knees ripped out. Tell the truth, she sounded a wee bit pissed!

So I comes out after lappin' up the blood in the janitor's sink, no use wastin' the stuff even if it be mine, "I thought you told me you were down to one last pair, what are those?" she says all mad like while jabbin' me in the slats with one finger.

Aye, she's pissed all right!

Aw fuck! She hit the broken one what went into me lung!

"Forgot I had 'em in me kit, is all." is what comes out of me real soft.

"A likely story. Let's get out of here before someone from the dining room recognizes you as the rabbit that ran through the place." She gives me my coat an' hat and ' starts draggin' me to nearest exit by the hand. "I don't want to hear what it was you said to upset everybody, I just don't want to know, understand?"

"Aye." I squeaks and I meekly lets her lead me out into the parkin' lot and into the truck like a wee good lad. Me bootlaces are still loose an' flappin' but at this point, who gives a fuck? I'd rather risk trippin' over 'em than bend down to tie 'em!

She takes to keys away from me and climbs into the driver's seat, givin' me filthy looks the whole time. So I sits in the passenger side and tries not to cough too much when me rib starts slowly grindin' back into place on it's own an me flat lung starts sealin' itself up as she backs the U-Haul out.

Aw Jaysis, I need a drink, but right now, it hurts just to sit down, never mind bendin' over to get the vodka in me kit on to floor. An' I don't think Jackie's the kind what likes an open bottle 'round when she's drivin'.

But wha-hey-hey! She took me by the hand, she took me by the hand! I think I'm makin' progress here...but what the fuck did me Jackie do to 'er hair while I weren't lookin'?