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She shook her head which was resting on her cushion, her eyes were beginning to close themselves alone. Scott covered her with a blanket and stayed near her even when she had fallen asleep, knowing that without sedative her slumber wouldn't be really long and overall not peaceful; as a matter of fact, everybody now was used to hear her wake up with a scream in the middle on the night.
During the two big weeks which followed, Scott was particularly patient toward Jean for making her go out of her bedroom and beginning to bring her in other places of the Institute. Then, by being warned, some students came in without paying attention to her for not stressing her. Those experiences turned often to a sudden end, going sometimes until she passed out, but she got used to it so, Scott was here and reassuring her. He came then with her in places yet occupied; and, finally, Scott livened up the things by convincing her to come and join him in different places of the Institute, by letting her doing the way alone. This was difficult, for her as for him who was feeling her fear through their bond, but it had to be done.
One week later, at the end of April, Jean was able to evolve in the Institute alone and this even without Scott's presence. She used nevertheless to stay in her bedroom, where she had a tendency for spending hour to clean herself in a compulsive way, but nobody could reproach it to her; however, contrary to the ancient Jean they knew, she wasn't paying importance to her appearance anymore… She was still dumb and fearful toward the others, but accepted to see them in the same room than her as long as they didn't approach her and that there wasn't any tobacco or certain alcohol smell. Wolverine, being the only one to smoke or to drink, was beginning his fourth month of abstinence without problems, the cigars and beers having always been only a pleasure for him, his mutation protecting him from all dependences ; Jean had so, without knowing it, been successful where the Professor Xavier had failed.
Amara and Tabitha were in the living-room; today they had ended class sooner and had settle themselves in front of the television. The reportage on a volcano having just entered in eruption that Magma wanted to see on LCI being only broadcasted in 30 minutes, they had let the box switched on with the tone down. They weren't paying attention to what was passing on the screen, preferring to chat, and made a one meter jump when Jean, who was in the same room than they, let fall the frame of pictures she had in her shacking hands.
He…no… it wasn't possible…it was one of them…she couldn't bear it…she couldn't bear it…
- "Jean ?" asked the two young girls who had turned themselves toward her and were seeing her like frozen, white as a sheet..
- "…no….no…no…no…" articulated the young mutant, surprising by the same way Magma and Boom-Boom who were hearing her speaking for the first time since her return; but with a broken and frightened voice, all the contrary of the one with which they knew her.
The telepath seemed to be terrorized; she had started to move back by trembling, the gaze locked on the television screen where a man of about forty, bearded, the skin-head, was resisting to the cops arresting him and seemed to be yelling something to the journalist and the cameraman shooting the scene. Tabitha didn't search further more and switched off the box, yet, Ororo and Logan were appearing.
- "Jean ? settle down, it's gonna be all right"
But she wasn't calming down, on the contrary. She seemed to suddenly notice their presences and this wasn't for quietening her down. She was wearing a terrorized gaze, they didn't know that it was as if she had returned in this cold and humid cell and that each of them had taken the appearance of one of her torturers, that she had just sunk in a real living nightmare. Her mental shields broke down and her thoughts were projected into their minds.
/…no…no…not this…let me…/
She fell back to a wall and couldn't recede anymore, she let herself slide on the ground; her face ravaged by tears, the body shaken by nervous quivers, she curled up on herself. Some objects begun to shake in the room.
Couldn't stay here without doing anything, Ororo came closer to her by speaking softly to her and tried to lean a hand on her hair; but Jean struggled violently and an invisible strength pushed Ororo back, Logan caught her as Jean's thoughts were still running:
/No…!…no…I beg you…let me die…but don't touch me anymore…no…/ she stammered in her panic, starting to rock herself like would do a child trying to comfort itself. /…pity …don't approach me…I can't bear it anymore …I beg you…/
In front of such a distress, Jean's words in addition, the presents X-Men were feeling extremely saddened and bewildered.
- "Cyke might be comin' back home with Rogue, Kitty and Kurt, we don't have the choice, we have to wait for him to be here. She won't let us approach her and if we try despite this we'll only panic her more, moreover Charles's mental shields seem down, she could hurt someone gravely".
Some objects were projected through the room, confirming Logan's words. Strom nodded, a tear had made its way through one of her cheeks; she was keeping her gaze on Jean, feeling powerless.
/….no…don't touch me anymore…I beg you…I beg you…/
- "His arriving!" said Amara by seeing through one of the windows the red-convertible entering quickly into the Institute park's.
- "Go and fetch him, hurry you!" asked Ororo in a disrupted voice.
Amara hadn't waited to be asked to do it and was already running toward the entrance hall, where she only had to wait for the car to stop:
- "Scott!"
- "What's up?" he asked, he knew Jean wasn't well, he was feeling it since they had enter in the Institute's park.
- "It's Jean, she's completely terrorized!"
- "Where is she?"
- "In the living-room! "
- "Kurt, can you teleport me in the kitchen?" asked Cyclops not wanting to appear all of a sudden in the room where was his girlfriend.
- "Immediately!"
In a fraction of seconds, he was in the Institute and was going to the living-room, where he saw Jean, quivering, curled up on herself in a corner, projecting unconsciously images through their bond, letting Scott understand the extent of her terror.
- "Jean"
At the sound of his voice, the mutant slightly drew herself up and, as soon as he was near her, threw herself in his arms, in tears.
/Scott…get me out of here…don't let them approach me…don't let them…! /
The adolescent held her tightly against him, an arm around her waist, the other one behind her head, stroking her hair.
- "Never Jean, you don't need to fear anything here, you're in security, you're not back over there, they aren't here" he said softly to her, kissing her on her forehead and her hair. "I'm here, I'm here, everything will be alright now, don't be afraid Jean, don't be afraid…"
After some instants, he stand up and took her in his arms, carrying her to the sofa where he sit down, Jean on his kneels, her face still buried in his neck, sobbing. Through their bond, he could feel all the distress which was holding her on its net and this was hurting him, he wished so much to be able to set her free, to make so as it would have never happened, but it was impossible. He softly rocked her, still speaking to her with the same patience and the same tenderness in the voice:
- "I'm here now Jean, it'll be all right, you don't risk anything here, there are only people who care about you and who would never hurt you"
Five minutes were enough at Scott to help Jean to steady and make her pull out of her awaken nightmare, five more for her to end by falling asleep from nervous exhaustion in his arms, her body shaken by slight starts at times, vestiges of her terror.
- "What has happened ? What had put her in this state ?" he asked in a low voice at the little group which had stayed in the room.
- "I think that's because of the tv-news" said Tabitha while, behind her, Magma was switching on again the box by cutting the sound. "Amara and I were chatting and all of a sudden Jean has released what she was holding in her hands, she had the eyes fixed on the screen and she…she has briefly talked"
- "Yes, it happens to her to speak when she's having a nightmare" confirmed Scott, experimenting that sometimes, when he had to go and wake her up
- "She has only pronounced 'no' at several times, the remains she projected it to us unconsciously I think. Here is what she has seen, they're repeating the news" said notice Amara.
- "Put the sub-tittles" asked Logan as Kitty, Kurt and Rogue were joining them.
The same guy than before was on the TV, the journalist's comments appeared on the bottom of the screen:
- 'This man is suspected of rape with violence of several women ; but, as you can see it, this one is far from denying the facts and even claimed them, it's rather frightening'
The camera showed the scene where the cops were trying to embark the man:
- 'Yeah, I've fucked them, and what ? There're only bitches, mutants, that's all they deserved ! Believe me, us the Friends Of Humanity, we'll get you rid of this riffraff, don't forgot this name ! the Friends Of Humanity !'
The cops seemed to lost patience:
- 'Shut up and get in here !'
The journalist resumed to speak:
- 'Are we at the dawn of the raising of another kind of Gestapo ? Does the Friends Of Humanity really exist ? And if the mutants are the fruits of a degeneration of the Human genetic-code's, do they really deserve despite all such treatments ? This man has also raped a human, will he be judged more severely for this crime than for all the others rapes committed on mutants ? It's wh…'
- "Turn it off!" asked Ororo, disgusted.
Amara pressed on the remote-control and made in a few assured voice:
- "Now we know why she has been so afraid…"
- "Yeah," breathed Scott in a bitter voice as Jean was curling herself a little more against him in her sleep "Unfortunately, this must be far to be the only one…"
The others sadly nodded.
- "How many more of those monsters are still free ?" asked Rogue in a disgusted tone.
- "By readin' her memory as planned −which hasn't been a picnic− , the Professor has identified quite a few of the members who weren't here the day we've brought back Jeannie. He's done researches and gave the files to his contacts, but that's all he can do, he refused to dirty our hands more than they already are.""
- "So, it's thanks to this that this bastard has been arrested ?" asked Tabitha.
- "Boom-Boom, try not to use such a language please" said Storm even if she was agreeing with her.
- "Yeah, it's possible, or it's a big coincidence" answered Logan.
A silence fell on the room, all of them looking sadly at Jean.
- "I dunno for the others, but, earlier, I've heard her tell you to get her out of here and that didn't seem to surprise you, you've even seemed to find the right words…"said Ororo by speaking at Scott.
- "When I entered in the room, she's projected to me some images through our bond, but she hadn't used it for communication; I've understood she was living a real awaken nightmare" explained Scott "The vision of this bastard had so much terrorized her that she had the feeling to have returned in her cell where she had been locked for six weeks ; that's why you couldn't have approached her, even less than usually, she wasn't seeing you as you were"
- "And ya, she has immediately recognized ya" said Logan "It's great that she feels again in security with ya, I dunno how we'd do it otherwise"
Scott silently nodded, keeping on stroking Jean's hair without even noticing it.
- « Does…does she speak with you a lot through your bond ? » asked Kitty.
Cyclops shook his head.
- "No, very few, only the strict necessary, nothing more"
Nobody else asked him anything anymore.
During the following week, the Professor Xavier had to begin to remove the mental-shields holding back Jean's powers because of the strong headaches she was starting to suffer and of the faints which could also be linked to it even if they only happened in moment of intense stress. In Charles'opinion, her powers were now far too developed to stay blocked like that without consequences ; having said that, he trusted Jean and knew she would manage their return he will organize in a progressive way.
Coming back from school around 2 p.m. thanks to the unplanned absence of professors, Scott didn't find Jean in her room and looked for her in the Institute. He tried to call her through their bond, but she didn't answer, so he used it to know if he was coming closer or not of the place where she was. It was by passing in front of one of the common-bathroom, from where there were coming noises, that he felt the strongest her presence.
He pushed the door which had stayed ajar and saw Jean, leaned on one pan of toilets, throwing up.
- "It's me Jean, ok ?" he warned her in order not to panic her when he passed his arm around her waist for sustaining her.
He felt something of humid and lukewarm but didn't linger on it. It was some minutes later, when she had finished and had cleaned her mouth with a rag and that he turned her to him, that he noticed that his arm was covered with blood.
- "What the…?"
He immediately saw the important red patch covering the front of her tee-shirt. He began to roll up it –she tensed up, but he quietened her down– and could see that she had deeply slashed herself several times on the abdomen. In a glance around the room, he noticed the knife and the red stains on the ground which he hadn't seen by entering. Only some instants had melt between the moment he had discovered the blood and the one where Jean felt faint and leaned against him.
- "Oh it's not true" he breathed by taking off his jacket which he placed against the wounds as a compress before taking her in his arms "I'll bring you to the infirmary"
He quickened his pace and leaded toward the elevator.
- "Why did you do that Jean ?" he asked her, looking down at her, she was silently crying, her eyelids half shut..
It was through their bond that she answered as they were entering in the elevator:
…I…I still smell their odours…I still feel their horrible hands leaning on me…I still see their glances…I still hear them panting, laughing, and telling me these things…I still hear their groans…I still feel the gust of…of… her mental voice trembled and broke, while Scott's heart was wringing …they've dirtied me…they've filled me with stain…and this dirtiness doesn't…want to…to go away……I need to pull it… out……
- "Don't stop talking to me Jean, go on" he said to her seeing that she seemed to be losing consciousness, but it was already too late "Oh, please, no…"
As soon as the elevator door's opened, he hastened at the exterior, and called Hank by passing in front of the lab, not stopping, carrying on to the infirmary.
- "What happened?" asked Beast by putting gloves as Cyclops was leaning Jean on the examination table.
- "I've found her in one of the commons-bathroom throwing up and after that I saw that she had made slashes on her abdomen, she's lost consciousness in the elevator" answered Scott in an anxious voice, stroking the adolescent's hair with one hand.
- "Well, let us see that; I'm sorry but you have to stay here Scott because, if she wakes up and that you're not here, she'll panic" he said by removing Scott's jacket before cutting the blood logged tee-shirt.
He used clean compresses to pass it on her abdomen to try to see clearer, and declared:
- "It's not really serious, she's bled a lot but the most part of the cuts won't even need stitches and won't let her more cicatrices than she already" he said in a comforting voice.
- "She'll pull through so ?"
- "Yes, of course Scott, don't worry"
Cyclops sighed and leaned a kiss on Jean's forehead, as Beast was searching what he needed to do the stitches and the bandages.
- "She told you why she has done that ?"
- "Yes, through our bond, among others things…" Scott had been shaken by the strength of the emotions she had expressed to him "she's feeling dirty, she told me that they had soiled her and that she must pull out the dirtiness."
- "Hum hum, and you said that she was throwing up when you've found her ?"
- "Yes, but she can't be…?"
- " No, no, she's not pregnant; I've made numerous blood-tests since we've found her –the most recent two weeks ago– and I would've seen it Moreover, we found her three and half a month ago, she's not pregnant" repeated Hank by threading the thread in the stitch-needle with dexterity.
- "But maybe she thinks that she is?"
- "Yes, maybe, she didn't have the same notion of time as us, she's really disturbed, this can also troubled her periods and all of this combined could have made her think that, yes …" he said "Here I rather think she was making herself throwing up and that it wasn't the first time ; this could explain why her weigh-curve hasn't increased since she's able-bodied and that it had even a tendency to lower, but I've thought this was maybe because of the fact that she was doing more of exercises and wasn't eating more in compensation" he carried on by beginning to suture the first wound after having cleaned it, keeping the other wounds under other compresses by waiting their turn.
Scott was attentively listening to him, without stopping to strike Jean's hair.
- "I think she's doing this as a way of cleansing herself as when she cleans herself compulsively. That's not the first time she's hurt herself willingly Scott, I see that she has cicatrices which weren't there the last time I've had the occasion to sound her " said Beast in a preoccupied voice; Scott knew that only Mc Coy and Storm had really seen the cicatrices marking Jean's body "You'll have to speak and to keep your eyes on her Scott, I wouldn't want her to attempt something more radical…"
To be continued
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