Author's Note: Hey guys! I'm back with another chapter! I'm sorry it took so long to update, I had a couple of projects to get done for school then had a little writer's block with how I wanted this chapter to go. I really hope you all like this chapter. It's a little long so I hope it makes up for the long wait! So without further ado, here's Chapter 4! As always, please read and review!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. One Tree Hill and its characters are property of the WB.
Rating: PG to PG-13
P.S. – I bought the One Tree Hill soundtrack today and it is ROCKIN' AWESOME! I totally love the Tyler Hilton Joie Lenz duet of 'When the Stars Go Blue'.
The Sweetest Sin
Chapter 4
It had been nearly two weeks since the night of the dance and neither Haley nor Lucas had even said a word to each other since. Lucas figured he would be better off if he gave her some time to cool off and let her come to him when she was ready. Now Haley was a different story. With each passing day, she felt even more guiltier than the last. Don't get her wrong, she had loved their night together, it had been somewhat of a dream come true, but she hated the way and how it had happened. They had been drunk and when drunk, you do things that you normally wouldn't do. She had let her innermost desires take over her and rule her body to its discretion. She'd had sex with Lucas; she'd lost her virginity to her best friend.
Now she just felt dirty. She had gone against her morals and became a stereotype she had sworn she would never become: A cheater. She had promised herself that she would never be that kind of person, but here she was. With the guilt and shame hanging over her, she had eaten very little and slept even less. She had do something; something to clear her mind of her heavy conscience.
She was so confused by everything. What had Lucas meant when he'd said that their sleeping together hadn't been a mistake. Did that mean he had feelings for her too? What had he meant when he'd said 'What about us'? Did he want them to be an 'us'? She didn't know what to think or do. She was trapped inside her own prison.
Music had always been an outlet for her, whether she was playing, singing, or listening to it. So to try and relieve her mind of its baggage, if only for a short amount of time, she turned on the radio. Immediately the sounds of an upbeat pop song came on and she turned it loud until it was pumping and booming through the speakers. It was an angsty song and it mirrored her life for the past two weeks and how she felt. She closed her eyes as she listened to it, tears forming as her silent cries soon turned into loud gut-wrenching sobs. She was lying on her bed, once staring dazedly up at the ceiling but she now turned over, clutching a pillow to her face.
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Her life had been hard ever since she was little, when her parents had left her. She had blamed herself for her parents leaving her alone all the time, and even though she knew better now, Lucas had made her feel wanted and loved. She felt whole when he wrapped her in a warm embrace, but she didn't have that now and it was all her fault. She was the one to blame. She had unwillingly divulged and displayed her deepest feelings and desires to the one person who had always been there for her. The one person who was her world, but could break her world too.
What if she told him of her feelings and he didn't reciprocate those feelings? She might lose him then, but hadn't she already lost him? But this time it was of her own accord; next time, if she told him, it would be of his. She was scared of losing him, losing him forever. He was so much a part of her life; he made her who she was. She didn't even remember who she was before Lucas Scott. He was so much a part of Krissy's life too; he was the only father she had ever known. Krissy had been missing Lucas these past two weeks and recently started throwing tantrums, screaming and jumping up and down, wanting to see her daddy. But Haley wasn't even ready to see him, much less talk to him right now. Haley sighed and clutched Mr. Waffles to her chest, her eyes becoming heavy with lack of sleep and shed tears. She turned down the music then curled up with her knees close to her chest as she drifted off to sleep.
A few hours later, Haley woke feeling a little less tired, but still weighed down by the guilt she carried and she feared that it would never leave her, haunt her forever. Her thoughts then turned to Nathan. She had been avoiding him too, but not as much as she had been with Lucas, so as not to raise suspicion that anything was wrong. Haley knew that Nathan sensed something was bothering her and he'd called her on it a few times, but she'd brushed it off, saying that she was worried about a test or something going on with Krissy.
She felt pressure behind her eyes as she thought of betraying Nathan; how horrible she was to have done that to her boyfriend. She shook her head, trying to rid it of the image of Nathan's trusting face and his loving blue-green eyes. She needed to do something to clear her mind. Krissy was at afternoon daycare so she was free to do anything she wanted. She slid from the bed and put on a pair of tennis shoes then threw on a light jacket before grabbing her keys and heading out the door.
She wandered around town aimlessly for awhile as she stared at the trees with their new leaves and the flowers with their budding blossoms. Birds chirped and flittered around in pairs high into the sky. Spring was definitely here. She stopped for a moment as she passed by the rivercourt, finding it empty. A basketball lay under the picnic table and she slowly walked over, picking it up and bouncing it a few times. She lined it up for a shot and launched it from her hands. Haley waited on baited breath as the ball rolled around the rim a few times before finally falling through the net. She was about to shout and jump in excitement, for she rarely made a basket, but the happy feeling quickly dissipated. She had no one to share it with and the one person she did want to, was far from her. Haley slumped onto the picnic table as she covered her face with her hands, her playing basketball reminding her of Lucas.
Suddenly, she stood and took off running. She didn't know where she was going, just running, far from the rivercourt and far from the memories of Lucas. Her breaths came out in heavy puffs as the world passed by her in a blur. She was only focused on the fast pulsing sound of her heart and the path that lay before her.
Several minutes later, she found herself standing on the sidewalk by the driveway of her boyfriend's house. She was panting heavily, not used to the strenuous exercise, and leaning over with her hands on her knees. She stayed in that position a few more moments as she regained air and her became slow and steady, her heart also slowing to its normal rhythmic beat. She looked up to Nathan's house and became nervous of what she was about to do.
Her run had cleared some things up for her and she knew what she had to do. So Haley closed her hands into fists and squared her shoulders then walked up the steps to the door. She felt herself shaking slightly and knew it was not solely from her nervousness. She was scared. It was no secret that Nathan Scott had a temper. Sure, he was usually sweet around her, but at times she would say or do something to upset him. He would get this dark look in his eyes, his normally blue-green iris' turning to almost a dark jade green or black. He had even once grabbed her arm fiercely in a tight grip when she had tried to leave after an argument. It had caused a large bruise on her lower forearm that lasted for nearly two and a half weeks. Lucas had noticed it and asked her about it, but she had just told him that she'd run into a sharp corner of the counter in the dark one night, not wanting to wake Krissy, to get a glass of warm milk to help her sleep.
A shiver ran through her as she raised her hand to knock and a feeling a dread struck her heart. She paused a moment then finally hit her hand against the door a few times. He finally answered the door a few minutes later and when he saw who it was, he smiled and leaned in to kiss her. "Hey babe. To what do I owe the honor of your presence," he asked with a wry grin. She crossed her arms over her chest and smiled at him but it quickly faded to a frown as she replied, "Can we talk?" "Sure," he responded as he stepped out of the house and sat on the bench beside the driveway then gestured for her to sit beside him.
"Um, well, I know I've been kind of distant lately and I'm sorry about that. I've just been really confused about some things and with Krissy acting up all the time… and having to watch her, and worrying about college…" Haley started, but Nathan interrupted her. He rubbed her back comfortingly and she flinched, but thankfully he didn't notice, "You'll get in to any college you want. You're such a great student, Hales. You get straight A's all the time. Any college would be insane to not let you in." Haley began again, taking a deep breath to steady her voice, "What I'm trying to say is that I need some time alone, without you, to figure things out." "Okay, I'll give you some space. How long will it take," Nathan asked. Haley snorted and slowly shook her head from side to side, not believing he had just said that; "You don't get it, Nathan. I can't be your girlfriend right now. And amid all this chaos going on in my life, I've found that I don't know who I am anymore. I can't be someone's girlfriend when I don't even know who I am, Nathan. I need time to find myself. Maybe in the future we can get back together, but for now, I need time."
"So you're breaking up with me," he asked, his eyes wide and disbelieving. He had never been dumped by a girl before; it was usually him doing the dumping. She nodded solemnly and looked down at her hands folded in her lap, "I'm really sorry Nathan." Haley started to stand but he grabbed her arm, this time more fiercely than he had last time, and yanked her to him. "You can't break up with me," he said in a low, cold growl, flames flickering in his now black eyes. Haley's body shuddered as tears welled in her eyes and her face contorted in pain. "Nathan, please let me go," Haley said weakly, her voice shaky with fright, as she tried to pull her arm away. "No," he replied in the same tone, beginning to pull her towards his house.
Haley began to try and tug her arm away from his grasp at the realization of where this was going. "Please Nathan…" Haley begged of him, terror settling in her heart. "Let her go Nathan," the voice of an angel, her savior, spoke in a stern tone and Haley turned to see who it was. It was Peyton, Nathan's ex-girlfriend, standing there with a furious look in her eyes and her hands on her hips. They didn't really know each other; Peyton was the popular cheerleader and she was just a tutor. They had only talked very little, briefly in passing, when she would go congratulate Luke on his basketball games. At the sight of his ex-girlfriend, Nathan's grip loosened a little and Haley fought for escape and succeeded. She yanked her arm away and started to run but he grabbed her again then slapped her face, "You don't run away from me!" Haley's body was thrown back when Nathan's body lurched backward from Peyton punching him in the face. "You bitch," he shouted, spitting blood from his mouth.
In his rage at Peyton, Nathan had forgotten about Haley and she ran from him. Peyton said to her, "Get in my car Haley." She quickly obeyed and from the car, she heard Peyton yelling at Nathan, "You stay away from her! If you don't, there's more where that came from." She pointed to his face where she had hit him. He stared at her angrily as she turned from him and walked to her car, his jaw clenched and breathing heavily.
After they had gotten away from Nathan's house, Peyton asked softly to Haley, who was huddled up with her knees curled tight to her chest and her body shaking uncontrollably, "Are you okay?" She glanced worriedly between Haley and the road, waiting for a response. Haley slowly nodded and lifted her head up, "T-Thank you. I-I don't know what I would've done if he…" Haley couldn't bring herself to say the words. "How long has he been hitting you," Peyton inquired. "He's only hit me once. Today was the first time, but he's grabbed my arm before," she responded then asked as she looked up at her with tear-filled eyes, "did he ever hit you?" Peyton nodded, "That's one of the reasons why I left him." Haley remembered one of the times they had talked and replied, "That's why you warned me about him, didn't you?" "Yeah," she answered. "Can you please take me home," Haley asked shakily. Peyton nodded and soon they were in front of Haley's house. "Are you going to be alright," she inquired as Haley got out of the car. "Yeah. Thanks again for everything. I'll see you at school," Haley gave Peyton a small smile before turning and walking into her house.
Later on that night around nine, after Haley had picked Kris up from daycare around six, she lay on her bed, thinking back on the day. A soft knock was heard and she turned to see her sister standing by the door. "What do you want Kris," Haley asked as she turned her head away. "Will you come read to me, Mommy," the little girl inquired, slowly walking up to the edge of the bed. Haley sighed, "Yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes sweetie." "Yay," Krissy replied excitedly as she ran from the room. Haley's thoughts turned to Nathan and what he had done to her then Lucas and all her guilt came flooding back. She began to weep softly as she covered her face with her hands and curled up into the fetal position. "Mommy," Kris poked her head into Haley's room again and hearing her crying, she approached the bed again, "What's wrong Haley?"
Haley sat up then slid to the floor in front of Krissy and opened her arms for her to enter, "Come here sweetie." She wrapped her arms tightly around the little girl, "I love you so much baby, I hope you know that." Haley kissed each cheek and stroked her hair. Kris nodded and wrapped her small arms around her sister's neck, calling her by her old nickname, "I love you too, Hay-Hay." Krissy had called her that when she was younger and couldn't fully form Haley's name. Haley pulled away and gave her a small smile, "You know what, I'm going to call Daddy and see if you can visit him tonight. I bet he would love to have a sleepover with you." Krissy's eyes widened in excitement as she began to jump up an down. "You go pack a bag okay? I'll come help you in a minute after I call Daddy." "Okay," Kris replied as she quickly left the room and ran down the hall to her own room.
Haley stared at the phone for several minutes before picking it up and reluctantly dialing the number to Luke's house. On the fourth ring, he answered, "Hello?" Her breath caught in her throat and she tried to take a deep, calm breath before responding, "Hey, um, it's me." The other side was silent as it took a few moments for Lucas to realize who was calling him. "Oh, uh, hey," Lucas responded awkwardly, not having talked to her for over two weeks. "Listen, um, can you take Kris tonight? She really misses you and I have some things to do… Meet me at the rivercourt in twenty minutes?" "Yeah," he replied. "Bye," she said quickly before hanging up, leaving no time for him to respond.
Haley and Krissy were the first to arrive and Haley waited with her arms crossed, not liking at having to face Lucas so soon, but she needed to be alone and Lucas was the only one that could take care of her. He showed up a few minutes later and as soon as Krissy spotted him, she ran over to him, "Daddy!" He swooped her up into the air and spun her around then kissed her all over her face, "Hey baby, I missed you so much." "I missed you too Daddy," she replied. He hugged her then set her down and slowly raised his gaze to Haley, who was staring at the ground. He looked back to Krissy and said, "Kris, why don't you go play on the jungle gym for a little bit, I have to talk to Mommy." She ran off and both of the teenagers stood silent for a few moments until Haley handed Krissy's bag to Lucas, "Here, there's some toys and clothes and stuff. You shouldn't need anything else, but if you do, give me a call." "I will," he replied. That awkward silence fell over them again. Lucas then slowly stepped toward her and pulled her in for a hug then kissed her forehead, "I missed you."
Haley roughly pushed him away from her and backed away, "Don't touch me!" She continued to back up and tripped over the edge of the concrete of the basketball court, falling to the ground. "Are you okay," he asks worriedly as he extended a hand out to help her. She took it and when their hands touched she felt a spark travel through her body. "I'm fine," she responds tersely, dusting off her clothes. She walks over to the playground where Kris is building a sand castle and calls to her. She runs over and hugs her as Haley replies, "It's time for Mommy to go, Kris." She leans down and hugs Krissy back then kissed her cheek, "Be a good girl for Daddy, okay? I love you sweetie, so much." Haley kissed her again then stands back up, saying to Lucas without looking in his eyes, "Take good care of her for me. Goodbye Lucas." Before he can say anything, she runs off.
Later on at Luke's house, Krissy is lying on Luke's bed crying when he comes in from the living room and sees her then sits on the bed beside her and rubs her back, "What's wrong baby?" She looks up at him with tear-filled eyes, "I'm sad." "Why," he asked concernedly. "Because I miss Mommy and Mommy is sad too. She's been crying a lot and she doesn't play with me much. She locks herself in her room or she'll send me to daycare. I don't like daycare anymore. I don't get to see you or Mommy anymore," she begins to cry harder. Lucas gathers her in his arms and strokes her hair then kisses the top of her head, "Sh… it's okay sweetie. I'll talk to Mommy in the morning about spending more time with you. Maybe I could take you home with me after school sometimes." Krissy's face brightened at this information, "Yeah!" He stood with her in his arms and pats her back, "Come on, Squirt, it's past your bed time. Let's get you dressed for bed."
As soon as Haley left the rivercourt, she rushed home and ran into her bedroom, flinging herself onto her bed as she sobbed. An hour or two later, around eleven, she was still crying, angry with herself. She looked up and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her face scrunched in anger; she hated herself. She stood and picked up her glass from her nightstand and fiercely threw it at the mirror, shattering it to pieces. She picked up two medium-sized shards of glass and as she remembered Lucas and their interaction at the rivercourt, she clutched them tightly in her hands until blood seeped through her fingers and dripped down her hands. She had let him get to her again.
