Chapter Four - FORGIVENESS

Molly Weasley eyed Draco with some caution but could not hide her sympathy. When Remus had finished telling her what had happened, the mother in her took over.

"Oh, you poor, poor boy," she said. She made as to take Draco in her arms but thought better of it and patted him on the shoulder instead. Draco looked down on the floor and did not say anything. Harry thought he knew what was going through his head. Draco Malfoy had always spoken with hatred and contempt of Molly Weasley and her family. It must be quite uncomfortable for him to be met with such warmth and kindness from the people he had despised.

"Uhm, Mrs Weasley," Harry said when he noticed that Draco was almost squirming. "I think Draco really needs some rest now. Where does he sleep?"

"Percy's room, dear," said Molly. She looked at Draco scrutinizingly. "You're very thin," she said accusingly. "How long haven't you eaten?"

"I don't know," muttered Draco. "Been awhile. A few days, I reckon. But I'm not hungry."

"A few days!" Molly wanted to say more, but Remus cut across her.

"He'll eat tomorrow, Molly. Thank you. I think after all that has happened today it would really be the best thing if we all went to bed now. Come with me, Draco, I'll show you your room."

Remus turned around and left the kitchen, and Draco followed him. Halfway out the door, he stopped and turned around. Clearly at a loss for words, he opened his mouth, but nothing came out of it.

"It's alright, Draco," Harry said quietly. "Just go with Remus. You don't have to say anything."

Draco nodded. Then he followed Remus up the stairs and was out of sight.

Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other.

"What a day!" said Hermione.

Harry and Ron agreed.

"Looks as if Draco Malfoy is becoming one of us," she continued.

"Can we really trust him?" Ron asked dubiously. "I mean, we also thought that Snape had left his past behind, and look where this has brought us to."

"It's different with Snape," said Hermione. "His mother was not killed by Voldemort. He has been rewarded for what he did. Unlike Malfoy," she added pointedly.

"I also think that Draco is really changing sides," Harry said. "He was really desperate up there in the room. He was about to kill himself when I found him, and I think he really would have done it. How desperate must you be to commit suicide? I'm sure he didn't see any other way out."

"It was a good thing we found him," said Hermione. "But let's talk about it tomorrow," she added with a yawn. "I'm tired."

"Yeah, me too," said Ron. "Come on, Harry, let's go upstairs."

Ten minutes later they were lying in their beds, but while Ron took only a few minutes to fall asleep, Harry was tossing and turning between the sheets, and sleep did not come. Finally he got up again and traipsed downstairs to the kitchen in order to get a glass of water. He already had his hand on the doorknob when he heard voices: Remus and Tonks.

Harry turned around, not wanting to eavesdrop, when he heard Malfoy's name. He remembered that Remus had taken Draco upstairs into Percy's room. Maybe they had talked for a while. Harry was certain Remus wouldn't mind him hearing what he had to say. He silently opened the door and peered into the kitchen.

Remus and Tonks were sitting at the table. Tonks was playing with a glass of wine that was standing in front of her. Remus had rested his chin in one hand and one elbow on the table. His other hand was lying on the table, holding Tonks's.

Harry suddenly shied away. They looked so peaceful together – should he really disturb them? He decided to retreat when Tonks spoke again.

"I'm still not sure, Remus," she said. "Draco Malfoy did a lot of damage. We know very well in what kind of family he grew up. He was raised to be a Death Eater, and we shouldn't forget that."

"His mother is dead, and his father is in Azkaban," Remus replied. "His revered master has punished him for having tried his best."

Tonks frowned. "What do you mean?"

"He was supposed to kill Dumbledore," Remus explained. "But he failed. And as some twisted kind of reward, Voldemort executed only one parent. After all, he had threated to kill both Lucius and Narcissa if Draco failed in his task. But Draco told me that Voldemort never believed Draco would succeed, anyway. Severus had been instructed to take over from Draco and complete the task. So Narcissa died for nothing. This was the moment when Draco finally understood what the Dark Lord is and what he does. And he understood that he wanted no part in this."

"A little late, don't you think?" Tonks remarked bitterly.

"Forgive him," Remus said quietly. "You know what the Muggles say? There is more joy about one repenting sinner who is restored to goodness than about one hundred good people. We have won this battle. Voldemort will be furious."

"But Dumbledore…" said Tonks, tears shimmering in her eyes.

"Draco wouldn't have killed him," Remus said. "Harry witnessed the whole scene, remember? If Severus hadn't intervened, Dumbledore would still be alive and Draco would have been with us far earlier."

"So much death around us," said Tonks. "We lost our leader. We've got to do something soon… rearrange the Order, distribute new tasks… Someone has to do Dumbledore's work."

"Albus wasn't the first to fall," Remus said quietly. Emotions flickered on his ashen face and his mind seemed to have wandered off to some other time.

They were now talking about of Sirius, Harry realized.

"I've got to be there for Harry," Remus said abruptly. "The boy has gone through way too much. Voldemort seems to be depriving him systematically of every father figure he's ever known."

"That's not true, and Harry will be alright," Tonks said firmly. "Yes, of course is he sad and angry and depressed, but he has those wonderful friends that can give him something to hold on to. And he has you, Remus. I suppose he will soon be ready to cope. It's you I'm worried about." Tonks raised her hand and touched Remus's cheek, and there was so much affection in this small gesture that Harry's throat suddenly started to narrow. It made him think of Ginny. "This is all becoming too much for you," Tonks continued. "You don't think of yourself at all, Remus. All you think about is the Order and Harry, and you worry if and how he will cope with Sirius and Dumbledore's deaths. But do you ever worry how you are going to handle that? Harry still has his friends, and you have lost your last one. Why don't you allow yourself to grieve?"

"I do grieve," said Remus silently. "I grieve horribly, Tonks. But I can't let it show. I must be strong for Harry, don't you understand?"

"No," said Tonks resolutely. "You'll break, Remus. It's just a matter of time. You are not carrying the weight of the world, so why do you think you have to? You have enough problems of your own; you don't need to be strong for someone else as well."

"You don't understand," said Remus, and his voice sounded strange. "He's the only connection to my old life that I still have. No one else is left. He is James's son, Tonks!"

"I know," said Tonks gingerly. "I understand that you have a special relationship with him. I know that he means a lot to you. But you did so much for everyone else in your life, Remus! Don't you think it's time you did something for yourself?"

When Remus spoke, it sounded as if every word caused him great pain. His voice sounded suffocated and shaky, with a hoarse undertone in it that cut right through Harry's heart. "There is nothing I can do for myself apart from being there for Harry," he said. "Sirius and Dumbledore would have wanted me to."

"But Sirius would not have wanted you to break in the attempt, and neither would Dumbledore," said Tonks, and her eyes clouded over. A tear formed in one of her eyes and slowly trickled down her cheek. She stroked Remus's cheek again and this time, Remus showed a reaction. He heaved a deep sigh and closed his eyes. His shoulders moved convulsively as he was shaken by silent sobs.

"Let it all out, Remus," whispered Tonks. She got up and came around the table to stand beside Remus, and Remus sobbed again, louder; his eyes were blurred with tears that rolled down his cheeks when he closed his eyes again, and he reached for her. Tonks put both her arms around him and pulled him close. Leaning against her, Remus started to cry, and the sheer despair that spoke from his disconsolate sobs never seemed to cease.

Harry had seen enough. He felt slightly ashamed. This scene had not been for him to watch.

He turned around and went back to his room. He might as well get a glass of water from the bathroom.

When he lay in bed again, he pondered what he had just seen and heard, and he realized that he had never before thought about what Remus felt. He had, of course, thought that Remus was the person who understood him best, and he had also, to a certain extent, supposed that Remus had his own way to cope with the grief, but he had never before really understood what it meant for Remus.

He had to see Remus cry in order to understand, and this was something that Harry now reproached himself with.

But the scene had also made him think about many things. Most importantly, about Ginny. He had not seen her for two weeks; she was in Romania, visiting Charlie. Harry had thought the separation might do them good, but he found himself missing her like hell. He told himself that it was his own fault – if he had not ended their relationship, they would still be together and none of them would have to miss the other. But he had made his decision. He did not want to put her, whom he loved so much, in danger. And keeping away from her was the only way he could protect her. Even against her own will.

It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it? That was what Ginny had said when he had told her they could not be together, and although Harry had more or less cut across her, he saw now that she had been completely right. No matter how noble his motives were, he had made this decision without even asking her what she wanted. And deep inside, Harry knew that Ginny would have followed him on the quest he was about to set out for.

He loved her, and she loved him. And now Harry thought that perhaps he should not exclude her from his life, no matter if it was for her own protection or not. In a way, this was how he helped Voldemort hold some kind of sway over him.

Harry turned around and decided to get in touch with Ginny and beg for her forgiveness. He did not want to miss her.

xxx

"Good morning, Harry."

"Good morning, Mr Weasley." Harry smiled at Arthur and then sat down on the kitchen bench beside Remus.

"Slept well, Harry?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded and cast a furtive look at Remus. He looked tired, but no longer as sad and crushed as he had the past few days. What had happened yesterday between him and Tonks had probably done him good, Harry thought. He could still hear what Tonks had said: You did so much for everyone else in your life, Remus! Don't you think it's time you did something for yourself? Harry silently agreed. Remus had indeed done a lot for him, and what had he ever done for Remus?

On impulse, he reached out for Remus's shoulder. "Remus," he said, "you've looked so tired for days now. Can't you take a break from whatever you're doing at the moment? You deserve some rest."

Remus looked at him, surprised and a little amused. "I can look after myself, thank you, Harry," he said and smiled. "I've got a lot to do."

Harry bit his lips. "Of course," he said quietly. "I just wanted to… frankly, I'm a little worried about you."

"About me?"

"You're doing most of the Order's work," Harry explained. "You bury yourself in tasks and jobs." He cleared his throat. "Well, what I want to say is that I'd like you to tell me if there's anything I can do for you. Things are not easy for you at the moment, either."

Remus looked at him. He seemed moved. "Thank you, Harry," he said after a short pause. "I really appreciate that."

"Promise me you'll ask for help if it's all becoming too much for you," Harry reiterated. "Don't think you have to look after me or spare me from something. I'm glad that you care for me, Remus, but I also have my friends. You… you don't have to be strong for me, you see," he added in a small voice. He had not meant to say that, but the thing he had actually wanted to say had suddenly sounded too cruel in his ears, so he'd refrained from saying it out loud.

The kitchen door opened again, and everybody turned around. Draco Malfoy entered the kitchen. He was still very pale and his face looked drawn and strained. But at least there was some life back in his pale blue eyes, Harry noticed with some relief. He had been worried yesterday; the look in Malfoy's eyes had haunted him even in his dreams.

There was an awkward pause, then Remus smiled and said, "Good morning."

"Morning," Draco mumbled and looked around. "Uhm…"

"Breakfast is almost ready," said Molly, who of course noticed that Draco was feeling rather uncomfortable. "Have a seat at the table."

Harry moved closer to Remus on the bench, making space for Draco.

The rest of the breakfast went in silence, apart from a few attempts at conversation on the parts of Remus, Tonks and Harry. But they were all still intimidated by the new situation, and their usual familiar atmosphere was disturbed.

One after the other left the breakfast table, some with, some without an excuse, until only Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco were left.

Hermione looked at the others for one more minute, then she resolutely cleared her throat.

"Listen, boys," she said firmly, "this is no way to begin. We all need a little time to get used to the new situation, but there's no reason to cast suspicious glances all over the place. Draco, I think we need to talk. All of us."

Draco looked at her. "What is there for us to talk about?" he said, and a small trace of his old self was suddenly perceptible. But only for a moment; then he lowered his eyes. "You're probably right," he conceded. "But do me one favor and don't keep asking me questions about the last few days."

Harry, Ron and Hermione nodded. They could all imagine how horrible those days must have been for Draco.

"What I want to know is just one thing," Hermione said, taking the lead. "Are you on our side now?"

Draco looked up, and his expression suddenly hardened. "You bet I am," he said with a passion completely unlike him. "He killed my mother. And they just watched it happen."

No one needed to ask who "he" and "they" were.

"How do we know it's not just some trick of yours to acquire our trust and then betray us?" Hermione continued.

Draco jumped up, his eyes now blazing. "Do you really think I'd have my own mother killed and attempt to cut my veins open just because I want to go undercover with the Order of the Phoenix?" he shouted angrily. "Don't think that everyone would do anything to be part of your gang, Granger!"

Harry and Ron exchanged a glance. Well, it would have been a miracle if Malfoy had completely changed his character. But Hermione, to everyone's surprise, smiled.

"Sorry, Draco," she said. "I must admit, I asked this question in order to provoke you. I'd figured, if you were sent to be undercover with us, you'd probably do anything not to annoy us – which would include not shouting at me. Your irritation was genuine, and I do believe you now."

"Does that mean you didn't believe me before?" Draco looked from Hermione to Harry. "Does that mean that after you saved my life up there in Spinner's End, you were still having your doubts as to my credibility?"

"We're at war, Draco," Harry said silently. "We don't know exactly what our enemy knows and what he plans. We've got to be careful, even suspect foul play anywhere. Although I never really believed it was all fake," he added. "Sorry to say that, Draco, but you never seemed like a brilliant actor to me. I never believed you pretended the state you were in yesterday. I believed you. And I still do."

"So do I," Hermione reiterated. "Welcome on board, Draco Malfoy."

"Yeah, welcome," Ron said hesitantly.

Draco stared at them. "Just like that?" he asked. "That's all? You're really accepting me?"

"Well, if the others have some more doubts, you may still take some Veritaserum and then have Mad-Eye question you," Ron said with a grin. "That should convince them as well."

"I'm sure they'll have their doubts," Draco said, a little bitterly. "After all, I'm the son of Lucius Malfoy, well-known Death Eater. I'm the school bully of Hogwarts. I'm not exactly the prototype of a trustworthy person."

"They didn't see you as we did yesterday," Harry said curtly.

Draco fell silent for a while. When he spoke again, he seemed to have trouble keeping his voice even. "Thank you," he said. "Despite everything I did to you…"

"Forgiven and forgotten," said Ron generously. "It's not that we made life easier for you, either, isn't that right?"

Draco's lips curled into a small smile. "Well…" he drawled.

"Let's just get all that behind us, shall we?" said Hermione. "It's all in the past. You see, Draco, forgiveness isn't easy, but sometimes it's easier forgiving someone than keeping up the animosity."

"You have a point there, Granger."

"I always knew you were a bright girl, Granger," said Ron, imitating Draco's tone.

"Just because he's one of us now doesn't mean you two have to team up against me," Hermione protested.

Ron grinned, and Draco shyly joined in.

Hermione got up. "Well, I'm going to help Tonks now," she announced. "She's upstairs doing some surveillance, and she wants to show me the charms she uses."

"I'm coming with you." Ron followed her to the door.

Before she left the kitchen, Hermione turned around once again and looked at Draco. "I'm really sorry about everything," she said. "I'm so sorry."

Draco looked on the floor. "Thank you," he murmured.

Hermione glanced at Harry, smiled bracingly and left the kitchen.

Harry and Draco looked at each other.

"Well," Draco said finally. "Who would have thought things would turn out like this?"

"Certainly not I," Harry replied. "If someone had told me this one week ago…"

"… you'd have declared him a madman," Draco finished for him. "So would I." He sighed. "But that's the way it is, Potter. Here we are in the Weasley family's kitchen, teaming up against…" He trailed off.

"It's entirely up to us to make a good team," Harry said earnestly. "And one thing we should agree upon is that we'll be completely honest to each other. No secrets. I've had a few secrets in the past few years, and I can tell you it's not nice to carry the load all by yourself. If there is anything that brings you down, share it with us - that's what friends are for."

"Friends…" Draco mused. "Are you my friends?"

Harry grinned. "Neither of us has a choice, I reckon," he said.

"Alright, Potter." Draco smirked. "Let me ask you one thing… as a friend, of course: where the heck is Ron's sister? The one you used to be dating?"

Harry's grin faded from his face. "We're not seeing each other anymore," he said rather stiffly.

"Why not?"

"Well…" Harry squirmed. "Listen, that's a long and complicated story…"

"You don't want me to know, right?"

"That's not the thing," Harry lied, although it was exactly that – he felt that his heartache was none of Draco's business, friend or not.

Draco had watched him closely. "Listen, you don't have to tell me," he said after a short while. "But I can guess the rest, anyway – brave, heroic Potter probably told his girlfriend that it was too dangerous staying with him and that she'd be better off and safer if she didn't see him again. Right?"

Harry did not have to reply. His gaze spoke volumes.

"But is that the same brave, heroic Potter who told me just a minute ago what friends are for?" Draco continued, a hint of mockery in his voice. "If you ask me, Potter, you should make haste to get her back. The people you love won't always be there. Believe me, I should know."

Before Harry could think of a reply, Draco got up and went to the door. He turned around again and pointed to the window. "There's your owl, Harry," he said. "Get the letter she brought you, and then send one to the girl. You said it yourself: we're at war. Live every day as if it were your last." He smiled, the first genuine smile Harry had ever received from Malfoy. It changed his face completely; suddenly Harry understood why girls like Pansy Parkinson were mad about him.

"Why are you telling me that?" Harry asked when Draco was already halfway out the door.

Draco smiled again. "Maybe that's my way to express my gratitude for being forgiven," he said and silently closed the door behind him.