It was three days before Hermione couldn't take it anymore and she went looking for Remus and Nathaniel. It wasn't as if he could have gone too many places so she hadn't really been worried that they were safe. What really worried her was that he hadn't come home after one night.
She had thought Remus just needed some time to cool off. They had never had such a big argument before and she was sure it had rattled him as much as it had rattled her. When he hadn't come home the next day she had, in all honesty, been annoyed. She sulked around the flat muttering about the childishness of men under her breath. By the second day, her annoyance had cleared and been replaced with worry. On the morning of the third day, a large boulder had settled itself in her stomach and her throat felt permanently constricted.
There weren't many places he could have gone with an infant. Hermione figured he was either staying with James and Lily or he had went to his parents. Her stomach did a little flip when she thought of his parents. It would be beyond humiliating to have to pick up her husband and child at her in-laws. Hermione took a deep breath. She would deal with that if she had to. She decided would go to Godric's Hollow and hope for the best.
She apparated to Godric's Hollow, getting as close as the wards would let and walked the rest of the way.
She used the giant knocker in the shape of a lion and waited for someone to answer the door. She didn't have to wait long. In moments, James threw open the door. She could tell he had been in the middle of getting ready for work. His robe was open and half falling off his shoulder and his hair, as usual, was sticking up in the back. Harry, who had been resting contentedly in his father's arms, immediately perked up when he saw Hermione. He started squirming and reaching for her.
"Hermione," said James, in surprise. "What are you doing here?"
Hermione bit her bottom lip, before taking a deep breath and saying, "you haven't seen Remus, have you? I mean, he isn't here, is he?"
"No," replied James, his surprise evident. "Why would Remus be here?"
"Never mind," said Hermione, "forget I stopped by," she finished and began backing away.
"Wait a minute," said James. He grabbed her shirt sleeve. "Getin here," he ordered, dragging her easily into the house and shutting the door behind her. "What's going on? Oh, for the love of God," exclaimed James. Harry, who was indignant over not having been handed over to Hermione immediately, had taken a hold of his father's glasses and dropped them on the floor. "Here, take him before he has a real fit," said James, handing Harry to Hermione, then stooping to retrieve his glasses.
Hermione giggled and settled Harry on her hip. Harry grabbed a fistful of her hair and began babbling at her.
"So what's this about Remus?" asked James.
"It's nothing," blushed Hermione.
"Well obviously it is, if you're coming out here looking for him," said James bluntly.
"The truth is we had a fight and he left," confessed Hermione.
James smiled. "He probably just needs some time to cool off."
"He left three days ago," said Hermione. "And he took Nathaniel."
James stared at her in shock. "Three days," he repeated.
Hermione nodded.
"Sirius and I saw him yesterday. He didn't say a word."
It was obviously the wrong thing for James to say because Hermione began to cry.
"Uh… umm… Lily!" shouted James in panic. He had always been rubbish when dealing with crying women. He couldn't stand to see them cry, but he had no earthly idea how to stop them.
"James, what are you shouting at me for?" asked Lily, coming into the room. "Hermione!" she exclaimed. Then she saw her face. "What happened?" she asked with a tremble in her voice.
Hermione couldn't answer. Her throat wouldn't work properly.
"Remus left her," whispered James, but Hermione could still hear him and she began crying louder.
Lily rushed forward and hugged Hermione. "Come on, let's sit down and then you're going to tell us everything."
The three adults and Harry sat around the kitchen table. "Tell us what happened," said Lily gently.
Hermione took a deep breath and slowly began to relate everything that had happened. She told them about Snape coming over and the horrible fight that had followed. And once she had started talking she couldn't seem to stop so she told them how inadequate she felt as a mother and how useless she felt to the Order and then finally how badly she wanted to figure out what her mission was and get it over with.
"I just feel like Remus and I will never really be able to build our life together until that's out of the way."
James and Lily listened in silence. When Hermione had finished, Lily began gently, "but why would Remus leave?"
"He said he was leaving me before I could leave him," said Hermione sadly.
"Were you planning on leaving him?" asked James.
"No," shouted Hermione, startling Harry, who was still in her arms.
"Bah," he shouted back to her.
"Sorry," she said smiling and she kissed the top of his head. "I wouldn't leave Remus. I just can't let this go. I know that Remus is afraid, but what can I do?" asked Hermione.
"What do you think he's afraid of?" asked Lily gently.
"You'd have to ask him," replied Hermione bitterly.
"Hermione, be fair," said Lily. She kept her voice low and calm as she continued. "You're his world. I've never seen a man adore anyone as much as he adores you. You didn't know him when he was young, but we did. He was always very careful, guarded."
"She's right, Hermione," added James. "It was hard for Remus to let anyone in. We didn't understand back then, but you can imagine how much he feared rejection and abandonment."
"To be honest," said Lily. "I was surprised by how quickly he let himself fall in love with you. It wasn't like him to be so unguarded. I think he was helpless to fight it."
"He's certainly fighting it now," said Hermione stubbornly.
"That's not fair," snapped James. Hermione was taken aback by his angry tone. It was in sharp contrast to Lily's gentle, quiet one.
"James," warned Lily.
"No, I'm going to say this," said James. "Hermione, you haven't made things easy for Remus. He constantly feels like you'll leave him."
"But why?" asked Hermione.
"Because you did," said James.
Hermione stared at James, frowning.
"You left in the middle of the night once," he reminded her. "You left with Sirius."
"What?" questioned Lily. "What are you talking about, James?"
James ignored his wife and continued in a softer tone. "You know how Remus is. He'll forgive anyone he loves of anything. He never called Sirius and I out on anything back in school, even when we were out of line and we're his best mates. Imagine how much slack he's willing to cut you." James paused before continuing. "Didn't you think it was odd that he forgave you for sneaking out with Sirius to go to the Department of Mysteries?"
"Wait a minute," said Hermione. "How do you know all of this? Was it Sirius?"
"No, it was Remus," said James.
"Remus," repeated Hermione in surprise.
James nodded. "Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but I hope it will help the two of you. Remus came to me after the incident. He was really shaken up."
"He told me he wasn't angry," interrupted Hermione. "He told me he understood why I had to go."
"That's my point, Hermione," James shot back. "That's what he told you, that's not what he felt. He was scared and angry. But he would never tell you that because he was afraid the next time you really would leave."
Hermione stayed silent, processing what James was saying.
"And then after that, you and Sirius couldn't seem to stay away from each other."
"Now wait a minute," interrupted Hermione. "That's ridiculous."
"It's not ridiculous," said James. "We noticed."
"Lily?" questioned Hermione.
Lily looked down at her lap and gave a small nod. "It's just that you were so jealous of that girlfriend of his. What was her name? Lisa?"
"Laura," corrected Hermione automatically. She blushed. "And I wasn't jealous. I just didn't think she was good enough for him."
"Hermione, you can't have forgotten how Remus and I found you that one night. You were in his shirt," James pointed out.
"Nothing happened," said Hermione. "Sirius and I have never been anything but friends…"
"I think we all know that's not true," interrupted James.
"It is," argued Hermione. "It is true, we…"
"What about Christmas?"
Hermione froze.
Lily looked horrified. "Oh, Hermione, you didn't."
"No, we just kissed," said Hermione quickly. "I can't believe he told you that. We swore we'd never tell. He promised." Then a horrified look came over her and she clapped her hand over her mouth. "Remus doesn't know, does he?" she asked through her fingers.
James shook his head. "I think he always suspected that you and Sirius were attracted to each other, but he doesn't know anything for sure."
"None of this is fair for you to bring up," said Hermione. "That kiss happened before Remus and I were together. And as far as the other stuff, I would never have been at Sirius's if Remus hadn't been lying to me."
"I know that," said James. "I know you love Remus and I know that nothing ever really happened between you and Sirius. I'm just trying to get you to see what Remus has stored up. If this stuff had happened between Lily and I, we would have yelled, cried, and argued it out. Remus doesn't work like that."
"I know," said Hermione.
"So when you were trying to explain to him about how you needed to finish your mission, I'm sure all he was hearing was how you needed to go home after it was done."
Hermione sighed deeply. "I don't know how to convince him I'm going to stay."
"You can't," said James. "I know that you feel like there's no way you would leave now, but we're in the middle of a war. None of us knows how any day is going to end."
"You're just going to have to prove it to him," said Lily.
"Yeah, but first I have to get him to come home," said Hermione. She looked around the table. "Thanks, you two. I really needed to hear all of this, even if I didn't like hearing it."
"You can always come to us," said Lily.
"Yeah," agreed James.
Hermione stood and handed Harry back to Lily. "I think I'll go get my family now."
"I'll walk you to the door," offered James. "I meant what I said back there," said James when they had reached the door. "Lily and I will always be here for you. I know what you sacrificed for my family. It's a debt I'll never be able to repay."
"I…" began Hermione, but the sentence caught in her throat.
James looked at her curiously, but an awkward smile immediately replaced her startled look and she hugged him and left the house.
She had been about to say. I haven't done anything yet. 'Yet,' no word had ever been so chilling to her. Suddenly her fingers were itching for a quill and some parchment. In typical Hermione fashion, she forgot what she had been doing and where she had been going in her sudden desperate need for the library.
School was in session, but she knew Dumbledore wouldn't mind if she used the library at Hogwarts.
And though she hated using it, she knew the fastest way to Hogwarts was by the Knight Bus, so she stuck out her wand arm and waited. With a bang, the Knight Bus materialized and Hermione was on her way.
It took the better part of an hour, but finally she was sitting in the library, with a roll of parchment, a quill, and several heavy books around her. She worked diligently for several hours ignoring the students and professors who were coming and going. She skipped lunch, not even aware the hours had past until finally she was done. She ran her fingers along the curled edges of parchment and stared blankly ahead. She wasn't sure how long she sat and stared before she realized she had company.
"Finished, Mrs. Lupin?" asked a deep voice behind her.
Hermione turned in her chair. "Headmaster, how long have you been there?"
He smiled. "Long enough. It's good to see you again. It's been several months."
"Not since Nathaniel was born," Hermione confirmed.
"How is your son?" questioned Dumbledore.
"Well," she replied.
Dumbledore paused for several moments before saying, "may I ask what you've been working on so diligently these past several hours." Hermione picked up two pieces of parchment and handed them to Dumbledore.
With a raised eyebrow, he scanned the documents. After several minutes, he handed them wordlessly back.
Hermione looked at him expectantly, but he remained stubbornly silent.
"Headmaster, you see what this means, don't you?"
"I see what you think it means," said Dumbledore gravely. "But I'm not sure if that's the same thing."
"How can you say that?" she asked, placing the two pieces of parchment on the table in front of them.
On the two parchments were extremely detailed timelines. One timeline was history the way Hermione remembered before coming back in time and the other was history as it was now beginning from the day she arrived in 1977.
"Nothing has changed," explained Hermione in frustration.
"Many things have changed," corrected Dumbledore.
"Nothing important, we are still on the same course. All of the major driving points of this war are still here." She put her finger down on the timeline, "The massacre at Christmas, the creation of the Order, the Potter's deaths, the prophecy, everything is still leading to Halloween 1981." When Dumbledore didn't say anything, Hermione continued. "I know what I have to do now," she said. "I know why you sent me back. I have to kill Voldemort."
Suddenly Dumbledore looked stricken. "Hermione, don't even entertain that thought. The prophecy was very clear…"
"I don't believe in prophecies," she snapped, cutting him off. "And I am certainly not going to sit around and wait for Voldemort to come after Harry or worse, Nathaniel. I know how this story ends. Lily and James will be dead, Harry will be orphaned, Sirius will rot in Azkaban, and Remus," she paused. "It will be like the last three years never happened."
"You cannot possibly succeed in what you are thinking," said Dumbledore.
"Why else would you have sent me back?" she asked.
"I don't know," said Dumbledore quietly. "I doubt the wisdom of that decision often."
Hermione turned away. "I'm sorry I haven't lived up to your expectations, but I'm going to finish this now." She gathered her things and left the library. She didn't get far. Dumbledore stopped her a few feet from the library. "Hermione, don't do this," said Dumbledore. "You won't succeed."
"I will if you help me," she said hopefully.
"I will not send you into certain death," said Dumbledore.
"I can't do this without help," she said.
"I'm sorry," said Dumbledore.
Hermione took a deep breath. "Then I'll find someone who can help me."
Hermione knew she wouldn't come by any help honestly and now that Dumbledore knew what she was planning, it wouldn't be long before he went to Remus to warn him. She knew there was no way James would help her either. He'd know what she was about immediately. Sirius, on the other hand, might be easier to trick. Either way, she had to work fast.
She knew Remus would be furious when he found out what she was doing, but if everything went according to plan, she would be back soon and he and Nathaniel would never have to worry about her leaving ever again. She scribbled a quick note to Sirius and owled it to him, then she went to work.
Hermione was just finishing her letter to Remus when Sirius arrived. He let himself into the house. "I came as soon as I could," said Sirius. "Your note seemed serious."
"It was," said Hermione. "Did you come on your motorbike?" she asked.
"Of course, why?" he asked curiously.
"No reason," she said quickly. "I made some tea. Have some."
"No, I'm not thirsty," said Sirius. "Hermione, what is this about? Your note…"
"What about some water?" she asked.
"No…"
"A soft drink?" she insisted.
"Fine," said Sirius.
Hermione's face broke into a wide smile. "Good, I'll be right back." She went to the kitchen and returned in half a minute with his drink. She handed it to him and he took a few quick swallows.
"There, I've had a drink," he said. "Now will you tell me what's going on?"
Hermione walked around him and folded the letter she had been writing in half. "We don't have much time, so I need you to listenvery carefully. This letter is for Remus. I want you to be the one to give it to him."
"Hermione, what are you going on about?"
"Listen," she demanded. "I won't be gone long, a couple of weeks at most."
"Where… Where are you…" Sirius stumbled. "I feel… I feel strange."
Hermione came closer to him and guided him to a seat. "Sit."
"I'm tired," said Sirius, and he closed his eyes.
"Stay awake, Sirius," Hermione begged.
"Huh?"
"I put a sleeping draught in your drink."
"You what?" exclaimed Sirius, suddenly awake again.
Hermione put her hand over his mouth. "I need to borrow your motorbike," continued Hermione. "I have to do this and I can't let you follow me. You give this letter to Remus and you keep him here."
"Hermione, what are you planning?" asked Sirius, and his words slurred together.
Hermione thought about lying, but she wanted to confess. The way soldiers confessed to priests before going off into battle. "I'm going to kill Voldemort," she said quietly.
"What? No!" Sirius reached out and gripped her arms. He tried to pull himself up, but his limbs wouldn't work properly and they both sank to the floor. "Why are you doing this?" he begged of her.
"Because it's the reason I was sent. If I don't, they'll all die."
"Please don't do this," he said. Hermione could tell he was losing the battle against the sleeping draught. She wasn't sure how he managed to remain conscious this long.
"I have to," she whispered. "I want you to promise me that you'll keep Remus and Nathaniel safe."
"What about you?"
"I'll be okay, if I know they're okay. Now promise me."
Sirius reached up and cupped her cheek. "Why you?"
"You know why," she said.
Sirius stared up into her deep brown eyes. "Don't," he begged.
She leaned down and kissed him lightly. "I'll be okay. I know I will."
Sirius closed his eyes and was breathing deeply. "Hermione," he mumbled.
"Tell Remus I love him," she whispered. "And if anything happens," she reached into her pocket and pulled out a second note, "give this to Lily." She pressed both letters in his hand and closed his fingers around them.
When she was sure he was finally asleep, she arranged him as comfortably as she could on the floor and then stood, grabbedthe bag she had packed earlierand left the house.