Sirius struggled to make it to the front door of James and Lily's. The sleeping draught Hermione had given him had been powerful and he'd been out for hours. He wasn't really sure how long it had been, but it was dark now and he knew many hours had passed.
He leaned heavily against the door and banged on it. He nearly fell over when the door opened.
"Sirius," exclaimed James. He grabbed his best friend and helped him into the house. "What happened? Was it Death Eater's?"
"No," moaned Sirius. "It's Hermione, she drugged me."
"What are you talking about?" asked James.
"Help me into the house, James," said Sirius.
"Lily, come quick," shouted James.
Lily hurried into the front hall. "Oh my God, Sirius," she exclaimed. She hurried forward and helped her husband carry Sirius.
"Hermione's gone," he said. "We have to contact the Order. She's on a suicide mission."
"What do you mean?" asked Lily. "We just saw her this morning."
"When?" asked Sirius. "What did she say?"
Lily looked at James, not sure if they should break her confidence.
"She and Remus are having some problems…" began James uncomfortably.
"What kind of problems?" asked Sirius.
"It was nothing," said Lily.
"She's gone," snapped Sirius. "She's got it into her head that she's got to kill Voldemort."
"What?" exclaimed both James and Lily simultaneously.
"She asked me to come over this afternoon. She slipped me a sleeping draught and then she gave me a note to give to Remus. There was one for you too, Lily," he said, handing Lily one of the notes in his hand. "She took my motorbike and she left. I couldn't stop her. She made sure of that."
James stood up suddenly.
"Where are you going?" asked Lily.
"To get Remus," said James simply.
"We don't know where he is," said Lily.
"I know. I'll be right back." James went to the fireplace and then he was gone.
Lily unfolded the note Sirius had handed to her. He watched her as she read. When tears started falling down her cheeks, Sirius rubbed her shoulders. "What did she say?" he asked quietly.
Lily sniffed and said brokenly. "She said that if anything happens, she wants me to make sure Nathaniel knows what it's like to have a mother."
"She knew this was suicide," said Sirius. "Why would she do this now?"
"She and Remus had an awful fight," confessed Lily. "But everything was okay when she left. She said she was going to get them and bring them home."
"What do you mean bring them home?" asked Sirius, through gritted teeth. "Where's Remus?"
"They just had a fight, Sirius," said Lily. She looked back down at the note. "I can't believe she left, after everything we talked about."
"Did she and Remus break up or something?" questioned Sirius.
"Not exactly," Lily mumbled.
"Then what?"
Lily was saved from having to answer by a sudden noise at the fireplace. James popped out first, followed quickly by Remus. He looked frantic. "Where did she go?" Remus demanded.
Sirius stood jerkily. Remus advanced on him. "Why didn't you stop her?" he growled. "She would have listened to you. She always listens to you."
"I tried," said Sirius, gripping Remus's shoulders. "She drugged me."
Remus looked like he was barely holding it together. "What did she say?" he begged. "She must have given you some indication of where she was going."
"She didn't," he replied. "She left this for you," he said, handing Remus the letter. Then he sat down, with a thump. He still felt completely drugged. "She never listens to anyone," he said quietly. "She's so damned stubborn. She always thinks she knows…" his voice started to crack. "Everything," he finished, and then he closed his eyes and bowed his head.
Remus, who had been reading the note, crumbled it in his hand. "You're acting like it's too late to stop her," he yelled angrily. "We have to find her."
"We'll never find her," said Sirius. "She's got my motorbike and she's been gone for hours."
"Shut up, Sirius," said Remus, grabbing the front of his robes. "We will find her."
"Remus, let him go," said James, and he grabbed at Remus' hands and pried them apart.
"You helped her, didn't you," Remus accused Sirius angrily.
"Of course I didn't help her," Sirius yelled back.
"Admit it," growled Remus. "You helped her just like last time."
"What are you talking about?"
"The Department of Mysteries," spat Remus. "You helped her then and you helped her now."
"That was completely different," argued Sirius. "She wasn't in any danger then. I would never do anything that would put her in danger."
"Wouldn't you," snapped Remus.
"Of course not," yelled Sirius. His head was pulsating and he was too angry to measure his words. "Don't blame me for this when you're really blaming yourself. Why did she come to me in the first place? Why didn't she feel like she could go to you?"
Remus stared angrily at Sirius, but didn't say word.
Sirius was too angry and frightened at this point to stop. "Maybe she came to me, because you make it impossible for her to go to you. Saint Remus always knows best. She comes to me because I don't expect her to be my perfect ideal."
"Stop it, both of you," shouted Lily. "We don't have time to argue amongst ourselves. If we don't do something fast, Hermione is really going to get hurt, or worse." She glared at Remus and Sirius. "I'm going to call the Order," she said and she left the room.
James stared at his two best friends. They looked like they wanted to kill each other. He knew they were both too frightened right now to see past their anger so he didn't try to make things better. Instead he asked Remus, "What did her letter say?"
Remus turned and stared at James, as if he forgot he was even in the room. "What?"
"Hermione's letter? What did it say?"
"Uhh, nothing. Nothing important anyway." Remus took the letter that was crumbled in his fist and smoothed it flat, before folding it in half and sticking it in his pocket. Remus sank into the first available seat he saw. "I should have known she would try something like this," he said under his breath.
"We'll find her, Remus," said James. "It'll be okay."
Less than a half hour later, most of the Order was assembled in the middle of James and Lily's living room. Another half hour after that, they sent out search parties in groups of two or three.
One week later, there was still no sign of her.
Two weeks after that, Voldemort and his Death Eater's attempted to assassinate the Minister of Magic. Any member of the Order that worked for the Ministry was forced to give up the search for Hermione to act as extra security at the Ministry of Magic.
James and Sirius asked for a leave of absence so they could continue the search, but they were denied. No one could be spared. There wasn't a single wizarding family that hadn't experienced some kind of loss because of the war. The head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement didn't see why James and Sirius should be an exception because one of their school friends had gone missing.
Remus and Nathaniel moved into Godric's Hollow so Lily could be with Nathaniel while he looked for his wife. His parents had offered to keep Nathaniel for awhile, but Remus refused. Somehow it seemed like a betrayal to Hermione, an even bigger one than when he had run to his parents before, leaving her alone to make such a drastic decision.
Often late at night, Remus would re-read the letter she had written to him. She had begged him to understand why she was leaving. She told him she loved him and wanted to be with him forever, but they would never have a chance if she didn't do this. The letter comforted and tormented him at the same time. The guilt he felt over having left her threatened to overwhelm him sometimes. And if he didn't concentrate on staying strong for his son, he knew he would lose himself to the panic that stalked him every minute of the day.
The days passed stubbornly on and there was no sign of her, but they refused to just give up on her. They knew she would never give up on them
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Lily sang softly to Harry as he drifted off to sleep in her arms. Nathaniel was sleeping soundly on the King sized bed she and James shared. It was past one in the morning, and all three men were still out searching.
It had been three weeks since Hermione had left and there hadn't been a single solitary clue indicating where she had gone. One thing was certain however, she had not succeeded in killing Voldemort. The Death Eaters were bolder than they ever were and there had been several reports of Voldemort being spotted throughout England. Of course, as soon as the Ministry officials arrived on the scene, there was no evidence he had even been there. None of this was a good sign. And though she would never admit it out loud, deep down, Lily began to believe they would never see Hermione again.
Once Harry was asleep she lowered him onto the bed, next to Nathaniel. The boys turned in their sleep towards each other. Lily couldn't bear to move them into the nursery. She usually put them to sleep in her bed when James and Remus were out, just in case. Though the wards James and Dumbledore had set up were powerful, Lily still didn't feel completely safe, even in her own home.
A little less than an hour later, Lily heard the front door open and close. She gripped her wand and peeked out the bedroom door. She could tell it was James and the boys immediately. She peeked back at the sleeping babies one last time before heading downstairs.
The scene that greeted her tore at her heart. Remus was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, sobbing. Sirius was leaning heavily against the wall, staring out the window into the night sky.
Lily looked to James, her face stricken. He went and enveloped her in a massive embrace. "We found the motorbike," he whispered in her ear.
"Hermione?" she mouthed.
He shook his head. "There was no sign of her."
Lily let him hold her for a few more seconds before going to Remus. She put her arms around him and held him tight while he cried. "It doesn't mean anything," she said. "You can't give up hope." But her words sounded hollow, even to her.
"Where's Nathaniel," asked Remus, once he managed to get a hold of himself.
"Upstairs, in my bed, with Harry," replied Lily.
He nodded and stood. Lily watched him go upstairs, before she turned to James and Sirius. "Is there any hope?" she asked quietly.
"There's always hope," said James tiredly. "Just not much. We've looked absolutely everywhere and questioned everyone we know. Nobody has seen or heard anything."
"Or they're not talking if they have," said Sirius bitterly. Sirius wasn't doing any better than Remus. If possible he was doing worse. Sirius didn't have Hermione's son to comfort him at night. All he had was the memory of a few stolen kisses that did nothing but haunt his dreams. He knew he didn't have the right to grieve the way Remus did, but that didn't change the fact that the only woman he had ever really loved was missing and probably dead.
He had been so stupid to think he was over her. He had tried so often to convince himself that what he had felt was just a schoolboy crush. Her disappearance brought everything back to him painfully, and the fact that he had been the last to see her alive only made things worse. He should have known what she was planning, but he was so eager to help her with anything she wanted that he had raced over to her flat and not questioned the odd way she had been acting until it was too late.
Lily could see the pain all over Sirius's face. "Will you stay tonight?" she asked quietly.
He shook his head. "I should get home. We've got to be up in a few hours for work."
"I'd feel better if you stayed," Lily insisted.
Sirius smiled at her. "I'll be fine, don't worry. It's sweet of you to worry, but..."
"Actually, it's the babies I'm worried about. I'd feel better if there were more people here, in case anyone tries something."
"Oh," said Sirius in surprise. "Of course I'll stay then," he said quickly.
"Thank you," said Lily, breaking out in a smile. "Your old room's ready."
"I guess I'll just go to bed then," he said. "See you guys in the morning."
"Night, Padfoot," said James.
"Goodnight."
James turned to Lily, once Sirius was gone. "Ready for bed?"
She nodded and they went upstairs hand in hand. "James," began Lily, once they were in their room. "Are we ever going to see Hermione again?"
James sighed deeply. "I don't think so, love," he said quietly. "It was suicide what she did. I don't know what she was thinking."
Lily took a few deep breaths, trying to work around the lump in her throat. "I think she was desperate. James, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that damn prophecy and what it might mean for Harry." They both turned and stared at their sleeping son.
"I won't let anything happen to either of you, Lily," said James.
"I know that," she said immediately.
"Why did you insist Sirius stay then?" asked James.
"Oh," Lily laughed lightly. "I told him I was worried about the babies because I knew that was the only way he would stay. I don't want him to be alone."
"Sirius can take care of himself," said James. "You really don't have to worry about him."
"He's not in a good place right now, James," Lily insisted. "He's trying not to show it, but his heart is completely broken. He loved Hermione."
James sat wearily on the bed and stretched out next to his son. He stroked Harry's back gently, loving the soft cozy feel of him. "I know," he said softly. He reached his hand out for Lily. She took it and stretched out on the other side of their son. They enveloped him in a protective barrier. "I wish she had never come," he whispered in a tortured confession.
Lily reached out and touched his face. "You don't mean that," she said.
"I do," he insisted. "How could she have been so stupid?" he said angrily. "Nathaniel will grow up without a mother. I don't think Remus will ever be the same, and Sirius…" He trailed off. "It's too much, Lily."
"I know," she agreed. "It's okay to be angry, James. That doesn't mean we didn't love, Hermione. We just have to be there for everyone else."
James nodded.
"I'd like to ask Remus and Nathaniel to stay with us for awhile," Lily asked.
"If you want," he said.
"I just don't want Remus to be alone."
"Okay," said James.
"Hermione begged me in her letter to make sure Nathaniel never knows what it's like to not have a mother," she cried softly.
"They can stay forever," said James, squeezing her shoulder. "Just don't cry, love. I can't stand seeing you cry."
"I love you," she whispered, wiping her tears away.
"I love you too," he replied. They lay quietly in bed for several minutes.
"Should I put Harry in the nursery?" asked Lily. "You need some sleep."
"No," said James. "Leave him here with us. I don't want him in another room tonight."
Lily smoothed Harry's hair and kissed the top of his head. "I don't know what I'd do if we ever lost him."
"Don't even think it, Lily. It'll never happen," said James fiercely. "It will never happen."
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Spring turned into summer and everyone did their best to get into a routine. They worked and they watched out for each other. If it weren't for the fact that there was a war raging all around them, there lives would have been very boring.
One day in mid July, Remus and Lily were playing with the boys in the living room. To be more precise, they were arguing while they watched their sons play together.
"I can't stay here forever, Lily," said Remus.
"I know that," she replied.
"I don't think you do," he continued. "I've mentioned moving back home at least three times and you always come up with some reason we can't."
"Remus, what's the difference if you live here or with your parents?" she asked.
"All the difference in the world," he said. "It's not like you and James even let me help out around here. You won't take any money…"
"We don't need any," argued Lily. "You're not an inconvenience."
"Lily, this can't go on forever," said Remus. Nathaniel crawled up to his father and pushed a ball at him. Then he toddled back to Harry and continued their nonsensical conversation.
"You don't want to separate the boys," said Lily, changing her argument. "They're like brothers."
"But they're not. I want them to be close as much as you do. But I have to be responsible for him. I don't want him growing up depending on people."
"There's nothing wrong with depending on people, Remus. We're all depending on each other, especially now that Hermione…"
"I don't want to talk about that," Remus shouted.
Harry and Nathaniel stopped in their play and stared at the adults.
Lily bit her bottom lip. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I just…"
"Lily, you're not going to change my mind this time. I appreciate you letting Nathaniel and I stay with you while I… well you know, but we've already more than worn out our welcome. We'll be fine at my parents. And it's not like we'll never see each other. We'll be by a lot."
"At least wait until after the boy's birthday. I wanted to make their first birthday special."
Remus nodded. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me."
Remus looked away from Lily. "Everyday I hope tomorrow will be easier to be without her and it never is. I have to find some way to accept that she's gone."
Lily listened quietly. Remus never talked about Hermione. She knew he needed to talk.
"You know I'm angry with her," he confessed. "But worse, I'm angry at myself. She wouldn't have tried what she tried if I hadn't left. I condemned Nathaniel to grow up without his mother. He'll never know what a brilliant, beautiful, funny person she was."
"He will know," said Lily. "Remus, we'll never let Nathaniel forget what his mother was like."
Remus eyes grew bright with unshed tears. "I miss her."
Lily covered her heart with her hand. "I know. None of us know what you're feeling. I don't think I can begin to imagine it. But we all love you so much and we're here for you."
"It's been four months and I still can't quite make myself believe she's gone," he continued. "If only…"
"If only what?"
"It's morbid, but if only we had a body. I could accept that. But this nothingness, not knowing what happened to her, it's unbearable."
"There may never be any evidence, Remus," said Lily quietly.
He sighed. "I know. I'm trying to accept that." He stayed quiet for a long time. "Maybe I was never meant to keep her long. She didn't belong to me, no matter how desperately I wish she did." He reached out and touched his son lovingly. "At least I have him," he said with a soft smile. "He's the only thing that gives me any comfort."
"I know it doesn't seem like it now," said Lily. "But things will get better."
Remus smiled sadly at her. "I hope so."
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"James will you please go move the furniture around in the living room," Lily commanded. "People will be coming any time now."
James glanced at Remus and rolled his eyes. Remus grinned back. "Come on, I'll help you," he said.
It was July 31st and Harry James Potter and Nathaniel Remus Lupin were both one year old. Lily had done everything she could to make the day special for both boys. She was determined to make some happy memories for them, despite everything that was going on.
She could hear twin squeals coming from upstairs. As Godfather to both boys, Sirius had been given the job of dressing and bringing them downstairs for the party, while James and Remus finished decorating the house and Lily finished the food. "Sirius, you better be getting them dressed," she yelled.
"Chill, Lil," he said arriving downstairs with a boy on each hip. "See they're dressed."
Lily looked over the boys. "Those aren't the outfits I laid out," she pointed out.
"You mean that stuff you laid out wasn't a joke?" he asked in genuine surprise.
"Of course not," she huffed. "What was wrong with those clothes? I bought them special."
"They matched," said Sirius in horror. "And they looked like sailor outfits. Lily, the boys are going to subject to the pictures we take today for the rest of their lives. They can't wear those outfits."
"Go back upstairs and change them," she ordered, pointing her finger up.
Sirius looked down at his Godsons, "I tried," he murmured. "Don't blame me when you're eighteen and these are the pictures she pulls out for your girlfriends."
"Go," Lily ordered.
Sirius sheepishly trudged back upstairs and Lily returned to her frantic cooking. A few minutes later the doorbell rang and Lily shrieked in horror.
"Its okay, Lily," called Remus from the other room. "I'll see who it is and send them away for another fifteen minutes."
"Don't you dare," she yelled and then laughed at herself for taking him seriously. "Just get the door."
Remus laughed on his way to answering the door. For the first time in months, he felt happy. Lily had outdone herself, trying to make the day special. Hermione would have been so thankful. He was thankful. "Who is it?" he asked at the door. There was no answer. "Hello?" He opened the door a crack and didn't see anybody. He was about to shut it, when he saw something at his feet. Remus threw open the door and stepped outside.
A figure was sitting against the house, with their legs hugged close to their chest and a mass of brown hair covering their bent head.
In a daze, Remus got down on his knees and put his hands on the person's shoulders. They looked up and locked eyes with him. "Hermione?" he breathed in shock.
"Help me," she said in a strained voice, before her eyes fluttered close and she slumped forward into Remus's arms.
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A/N: Okay it is official. I am beginning the countdown until the end of this fic. I can't say for certain, but I think there will only be five or six more chapters and I am really inspired, so I think the updates will start coming faster. It's probably wishful thinking, but I kind of want to finish before HBP comes out. Once it does, I know nobody is going to pay a bit of attention to my little fic. So keep the reviews coming to keep me inspired and here we go! BTW - The last two chapters got the best response I ever had. You guys are the best!