A/N: This is my first fanfic so please read & review! I think it's funny, except for the beginning.
----
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
"NOOOOOO!" The girl screamed and tore after the two robed weirdos. This was supposed to have been a good day.
It had started off well. A road trip to the wild north of Scotland. They'd stopped at the gas station, stocking up on chips, chocolate, packets of peanuts, and several bottles of orange Tango. She'd nagged about how she hated hiking and reminded them how lucky they were she'd tagged along. They had, in turn, reminded her of how annoyingly American she sounded when she was crabby.
They'd been hiking through a particularly dull stretch of woods when they ran into two very odd-looking men dressed in grey robes and silly masks. Her brother-in-law had snickered and mumbled something about 'Magic the Gathering' and 'Dungeons and Dragons' when one of the robed weirdoes pulled out some sort of stick mumbled something that sounded like "Abracadabra, Muggle!" and shot some sort of green electricity. Her brother-in-law had just flopped to the ground.
The shorter, fat weirdo was clapping his hands and chuckling in delight when the taller weirdo raised his stick again and pointed it at her husband.
And now they were both lying on the ground, their eyes staring blankly at the sky.
Not knowing what else to do, she ran towards the weirdos, hoping to tackle them.
The tall weirdo was raising his stick -- a wand? Could it be? -- a third time when she reached the fat weirdo, she crashed into him and they toppled to the ground. A burst of green electricity shot over her shoulder. The fat man's mask had been knocked askew. As she pounced on him, she noticed he had a pointy nose and small watery eyes. He was fumbling through his robes, trying to find something when another greet jet shot over his shoulder.
"Lucius!" He shrieked, fumbling with a wand he'd just extracted from his robes.
"You kill the muggle, then, imbecile." Lucius snapped.
"AH!" The girl shouted, jumping up. She had grabbed the fat man's wand.
The fat man cowered, his watery eyes bulging at the wand in her hands.
Lucius laughed. "She's only a muggle, Wormtail." He pointed his wand towards the girl.
"NO!" she shouted, red sparks flying haphazardly out of the wand. She could see Lucius's eyes narrow through the slits of his mask.
"You said they were muggles!" Wormtail cried.
"It would appear I was mistaken. However," he said quickly, eying the the girl, who was now pointing the wand directly at him, "I think I'll leave you to take care of her." And with a small -pop!-, he vanished.
She swung around and pointed the wand at Wormtail. He let out a small, "eep!", turned into a rat, and scampered off.
The girl, horrified and very very confused, ran over to where her husband and brother-in-law lay. They were both very unmistakably dead. She fell to her knees, sobbing.
----
"Name?"
"Arizona Pike."
The cop looked up from his cluttered desk, "Quite frankly, your story is a little sketchy. The hikers said that they found you standing over two dead bodies, waving a stick, and screaming maniacally. You claim your husband and his brother were electrocuted to death by two masked men called Luscious and Wormtail. However, neither of the bodies show any sign of electrocution -- no burn marks, nothing. In fact, they don't show signs of any kind of a struggle -- are you following me, Mrs. Pike?"
Arizona was staring out the window at a large barn owl that not only appeared to be staring right back at her, but seemed to be trying to find its way in. The cop turned to see what she was looking at, when suddenly there were two loud -pops!-. Two men had appeared, wearing rather official-looking black graduation caps and gowns. Arizona promptly started humming "Pomp and Circumstance."
"Arnold, I told you these weren't the right muggle uniforms," said one of the men, adjusting his horn-rimmed glasses. He was thin and going bald, but what little hair he had was bright red.
"Arthur, it doesn't matter. They won't remember a th---"
"Now listen here!" The cop stood up and pounded on his desk with a big meaty fist, a few papers fluttered to the floor. "What in blazes is going on? How did -- Who are --"
"Obliviate!" Arnold hastily tucked his wand into his robes, stepped forward, and handed the cop a blank sheet of paper. "Good evening, Officer -- uh -- "
"Garrison." The cop said, taking the blank piece of paper and examining it with interest. Arizona stopped humming and tried to peek at the paper.
"Garrison. Yes, Officer Garrison." Arnold said. His voice was charming and melodic. "As you can see, the coroner's report," he nodded towards the blank piece of paper, "explains everything. We'll be taking Mrs. Pike into custody for a few more questions and release her in the morning after treating her to a spot of breakfast. She has had, after all, a rough evening."
"Of course, of course." Officer Garrison said, shuffling some papers into a folder. "I just need to finish this write-up and she's all yours. Paperwork, you know. What did you say your name was again? Officer, uh.."
"Peasegood. Arnold Peasegood." They shook hands and Officer Garrison sat back down. "Oh dear me, but Officer Garrison, didn't you get the memo? It's your lucky day. Not ours, though. Headquarters has changed the procedure and -we- have to do the paperwork now." Arnold Peasegood rolled his eyes dramatically.
Officer Garrison, who was no stranger to procrastination, brightened at the prospect of not having to do more paperwork. He hastily grabbed a few papers from his desk and stuffed them into Arnold's hands. "In that case, I'm going on a tea break. Goodbye!" He grabbed his coat and hat and was out the door in seconds.
"Well, that went well." said Arnold, eying Arthur, who was poking at a fax machine.
"Very smoothly, indeed!" said Arthur, straightening up. He walked over to Arizona and opened his mouth as if to say something more, when he noticed a magnetic paperclip holder on Garrison's desk. "Oho! Arnold, would you look at this!"
"Wow, the coroner's report really explains everything." Arizona said suddenly. "Not. Okay, let's cut the bulljazz and how 'bout you guys tell me what the hell is going on and what the hell happened to my husband and brother-in-law."
"I'm very sorry, dear, but they're dead, you see--" Arnold began.
"Yes, thank you, I did notice that. Maybe you'd like to explain how you can kill someone by electrocuting them with a stick. Or how you guys just appeared here out of nowhere. Or why that owl is staring at me." She pointed toward the window.
Arnold and Arthur both looked out. Arthur put down the paperclip holder and opened the window. The barn owl flew in, dropped an envelope at Arizona's feet, and flew back out and into the night. Arizona picked up the envelope, but before she could open it, they heard voices outside the door. A few police officers were coming down the hall.
"We have to get back to the ministry." said Arnold.
"Right. Side-along apparition, then." said Arthur. "I'll take her. I'd like to ask her a few questions before I explain the acclimatization process."
"Fine. Less paperwork for me." Arnold disappeared with a -pop!-.
"Right, now you'll just need to hold my arm very tightly and we'll go back to my office." said Arthur, who was again eyeing the paperclip holder. Arizona snatched it and put it in the pocket of her sweatshirt. "Now Mrs. Pike, you shouldn't steal, not even from muggles."
"Oh, no way, this office junk's a dime a dozen."
"I have a dime in my office, got it from an American tourist who--"
"C'mon, let's ditch this joint!" Arizona said, clutching Arthur's arm tightly. He winced. She was clutching him a little too tightly.
-pop!-
----
"And last, but not least, this is how you make gimblenut tea," Madam Puddifoot continued.
In order to put the deaths of her husband and brother-in-law out of her mind, Arizona had decided to leave the muggle world and sold most of her muggle possessions. She had spent the past week looking for a job and a place to live. The letter she'd gotten from the owl was from a very charming old man named Albus Dumbledore who'd invited her out for a drink at a rather scruffy bar called the Hog's Head in the funny wizarding town of Hogsmeade.
The Ministry of Magic had explained that she was one of the rare cases of latent development: magical ability almost always manifests during childhood, but in rare cases, usually under extreme duress, a muggle or a squib may suddenly find himself (or herself, in Arizona's case) in possession of full magical abilities. When the Ministry Inquisitors, one of whom looked so much like a frog Arizona could hardly stop herself from laughing, had refused to tell her why her husband and brother-in-law were murdered, Arizona feigned ignorance when asked to describe the masked attackers. This proved to be a lucky measure as she was sure she heard one of the inquisitors mention someone called "Lucius Malfoy."
The Ministry weren't very helpful in general, with the notable exception of Arthur Weasley, the balding red-haired man, who had been rather excited when Arizona gave him the magnetic paperclip holder and explained how it worked. In a quid pro quo exchange of muggle versus wizard, Arthur had stayed up all night explaining the wizarding world and how it worked. Arthur had even arranged for his son, Bill, who worked at a bank in London, to help Arizona transfer her muggle money into wizard money, show her around Diagon Alley, and teach her how to use floo powder so she could get to the Hog's Head.
The Hog's Head was a scruffy, dingy little place, its patrons were shady-looking and many of them wore hoods or had their faces otherwise obscured. Arizona immediately took such a liking to it, that before Dumbledore had even arrived, Arizona had chatted up the funny old bartender and had arranged to stay in one of the rooms above the shop in exchange for doing the washing up once a week. "This may be the first time in history anyone has ever done any washing up at the Hog's Head!" said Dumbledore, his blue eyes twinkling.
Albus Dumbledore turned out to be even more help than Arthur Weasley. He very tactfully mentioned several nearby second hand shops, although his gentle tact proved unnecessary as Arizona was "a big fan of thrifting," and generously offered her full use of the library at Hogwarts, the school of witchcraft and wizardry at which he was Headmaster.
"I will speak to Madam Pince about it as soon as I return to Hogwarts. Madam Pince is an excellent librarian and knows the library through and through, although just between you and me, she tends to be a tad overprotective about her books, so mind you don't let her catch you scribbling in the margins or bending any of her precious page corners." he said, winking cheerfully.
It came up in conversation that before she got married and moved to Scotland, Arizona used to live in Seattle and worked for years in muggle coffee shops. Dumbledore mentioned that Madam Puddifoot was looking for an assistant at her tea shop and offered to introduce her to Arizona. Puddifoot was one of those overly-nurturing types and immediately took Arizona under her wing. "She's such a tiny little dear, Albus, wherever did you find her?"
"Please pay close attention because gimblenut drinkers are usually very very picky and if you don't shave the gimblenut just so, the whole drink is ruined. Now some gimblenut drinkers will ask for it cracked, which means you have to crack the nut and mash up the little seeds in the mortar and pestle before making the infusion. This is supposed to give the tea a richer flavour, but in my experience, most people can't tell the difference, so if you're in a rush and the customer's a dunderhead, feel free to skip it -- just don't quote me on that. Oh, but what am I so worried about? You're a bright girl. You've caught on to everything so fast! You'll be fine. Just make sure Mundungus Fletcher keeps his grubby thieving little fingers out of the tip jar. See you tomorrow!"
----
"Good heavens, Arizona!" whispered Madam Puddifoot, who was in the back of the tea shop helping Arizona put away dishes. "This is the third time Professor Snape has been in here this week! He usually avoids my shop like the plague, unless Albus drags him in. I wonder what he's up to?"
"Oh, he saw me mashing the seeds for his gimblenut tea with the flat end of a spoon a couple days ago and he's been coming back ever since."
"You're supposed to use a mortar and pestle."
"I know, but I found if you use the back of a spoon, you get a better flavour and it's a lot less gritty. He said he really likes the way I make gimblenut tea."
Madam Puddifoot beamed, "Well, dear, you do make marvelous infusions, but I think perhaps he likes you a little more than he likes the tea."
"Don't be ridiculous. He just appreciates my innovative drink-making skills. Probably because he's the Potions Master."
"But he did stop Mundungus from paying you in Leprechaun gold."
"That's just cos he hates Mundungus."
"My dear, he hates almost everyone. He's quite an unpleasant man."
"He's not unpleasant," whispered Arizona, "he's very polite and he always --"
"You might be laboring under the delusion that I have all the time in the world in which to wait for you to finish putting away teapots." said Snape silkily.
"See?" whispered Madam Puddifoot.
Arizona grinned and walked out of the back room and up to the counter. "Hey Potions Master, how's it going?"
"I would like a pot of gimblenut tea." Snape replied sternly.
"I know you would," said Arizona. She leaned over the counter and poked Snape on the tip of his greasy hooked nose. "You're so serious," she said, trying her best to imitate Snape's stoic expression and silky voice.
Snape's eyes narrowed. "Do not touch my nose."
"I wouldn't touch your nose if I thought you really minded, Prof."
"Do not call me 'Prof.'"
Arizona grinned broadly, revealing very white teeth, and turned to get the jar of gimblenuts off the shelf. Snape looked slightly relieved. His usually sallow skin was quite flushed.
Just then the door banged open, "'Ello Doxy," said Mundungus. "Reckon I could get a spot of tea when you have the chance?"
Snape turned toward Mundungus. "Doxy?"
"Yeah," said Mundungus, setting down an overstuffed suitcase and sitting at a table. "She's little and skinny, she's got brown eyes, and her black spiky hairdo makes her look jus' like a doxy." He leaned toward Snape and lowered his voice, "Good thing she can't sting, though, eh? She's a right crank most of the time."
"Perhaps she would treat you more nicely if you stopped trying to steal the tip jar. And her eyes are green."
"They're brown, mate. Did you know she's almost 31? I thought she was a student."
"Do not call me 'mate,' you filthy little thief." he sneered softly. "And her eyes are green."
Arizona brought a steaming mug of tea to the counter. "There you go, Prof."
"Do not call me 'Prof.'" Snape flicked his wand and the mug of tea floated gracefully over to the empty table nearest the counter.
Arizona gaped. "How did you do that?"
"Locomotor mug. It is an elementary charm. I was under the impression you spent a lot of time studying in Hogwarts' library. Or perhaps I am mistaken and you have instead been spending your library time perusing, Witch Weekly," he sneered, his crooked yellow teeth glinting.
"I know the charm, but you didn't say anything."
"Nonverbal. Speak the incantation in your mind."
"That's it? That's all?"
Snape nodded.
Arizona pulled out the wand she had tucked into one of her belt loops and flicked it at Mundungus. The tip jar flew out of his hands and zoomed toward the counter. Arizona caught it, albeit clumsily, and placed it back in front of the cash register. "Thanks, Prof!"
"Do not call me 'Prof.'" Snape pulled out some sickles to pay for the drink.
"Oh no, honey, the gimblenut's on me today," grinned Arizona, who seemed unaware that Snape's sallow skin had briefly flushed again when she had called him 'honey.' "It's really the least I can do."
Snape cleared his throat, "Perhaps I should speak to the Headmaster about arranging some elementary magic lessons for you. The ministry has never been helpful in tutoring those with latent magical abilities."
"Maybe you could tutor me, Prof." Arizona said brightly, pouring some tea into a bright pink teacup.
"Do not call me--"
"Hey, how come you never buy me drinks?" interrupted Mundungus, who was busy rooting through his pockets for some change.
"Well, I do, sort of," said Arizona, flicking her wand and guiding the bright pink teacup over to the Mundungus's table, "with the money you keep snitching from my tip jar!"
The door banged open again and a tall dark-haired man strolled in. "Excuse me, miss, but could you tell me how to get to--" He spoke in an American accent.
"Steven?" Arizona interrupted, "Steven Black? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Arizona!" Steven trotted up to the counter and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek, "I didn't know you were a witch! I'm looking for the Hog's Head Inn. The Weird Sisters are playing a secret gig there tonight."
"Go back to the main street, turn right, there's a street a little ways down on the left, The Hog's Head is at the end of that street -- third building on the left, you can't miss it. I live there, actually."
"Excellent. You'll be at the show, then?"
"Sure."
"Great! Look, I'm sorry, but I'm in a hurry and I have to dash. I'm supposed to meet my Aunt Narcissa in London and I'm running late. I'll catch up with you later, okay?" He trotted out the door, glanced back at Arizona, winked, and disappeared with a -pop!-
Snape, who had been staring daggers at Steven, drank the last of his tea and stood to bring his mug to the counter.
"Wanna come to the show with me tonight, Prof?" asked Arizona, winking flirtatiously and grinning.
"Absolutely not," said Snape, although his face brightened noticeably. "And do not call me 'Prof.'"
----
"This is my friend, Fenrir!" shouted Steven over the crowd, pointing at the large unkempt hairy man beside him.
"Nice to meet you!" shouted Arizona, shaking Fenrir's hand. She noticed his nails were long and yellow and rather dirty.
"Pleasure!" shouted Fenrir, with a grinning display of very pointy teeth.
"He's a werewolf, you know, but all lycanthropy aside, he's a real animal! Anyway, drink up, kids!" said Steven, sliding a couple shots of firewhisky down the bar.
Arizona downed the shot in one gulp and pulled a face. They didn't call it firewhisky for nothin'. That. Shit. Burned.
Steven winked and slid another pair of shots down the bar. Arizona and Fenrir hooked arms and downed them. Arizona felt dizzy. She watched Fenrir take a deep drag from his cigarette. She swallowed hard, trying to clear her thoughts. The room was packed shoulder to shoulder. Someone bumped into her and knocked her into Fenrir, who pounded another shot that had appeared out of nowhere and tried to kiss her. She turned her head, her throat still burning, and he ended up trying to snog her ear. He clumsily threw an arm around her and, shouting over the crowd, said something very dirty about what he'd like to do with her under the full moon if she'd only let him bite her. "Just once! It won't hurt too badly!"
The crowd roared. The Weird Sisters were walking on stage. Steven, Fenrir, and Arizona each pounded another shot. Fenrir was stubbing his cigarette out when they started playing. The audience burst into cheers. Fenrir howled and grinned at Arizona. Steven stumbled over, this time with three huge mugs of ale. Fenrir grabbed a mug and immediately started guzzling. Steven tried to smooch Arizona while passing a mug to her, but being already incredibly blitzed, stumbled and ended up with a mouthful of Fenrir's nasty greying hair.
Fenrir pulled his hair out of Steven's mouth and shouted to Arizona, "I think there's someone you ought to meet!" There was beer foam all over his face.
"Here?"
"No. He's a -- erm -- friend of mine!"
"Who?"
"You-know-who!"
"I do?"
Fenrir laughed drunkenly, showering Arizona with gobs of saliva and beer, "You're funny! I'll explain later, I shouldn't really talk about it here. Anyway, I'm sure he'd be very interested in you." He paused, Arizona could see he was thinking pretty hard, although the excess liquor seemed to be making that difficult. "I know I am!" He laughed as if he'd made a really funny joke.
"Ha. Erm.. Yeah." This was going to be a long night.
The band continued to play, while Steven and Fenrir continued to drink. Arizona was getting tired of their slimy attempts to grope her and slipped upstairs and back to her room when they were busy ordering drinks.
----
Severus Snape made his way down the hall toward the entrance to Dumbledore's office and he was definitely not amused. He had brewed a love potion for his Advanced Potion Making class and instead of smelling like musty old books, asphodel, and cedar, it also smelled distinctly of gimblenut tea and vanilla lip gloss. Her vanilla lip gloss.
His thin lips curled into a sneer. There was a simple explanation for this, of course. He'd always enjoyed gimblenut tea, he'd just been drinking more of it lately, there was nothing out of the ordinary about that. As for the vanilla... She'd probably spilled something on him during their last tutoring session. She was always doing clumsy things like that. Clumsy. Incompetent. Yes, that was definitely it.
Except he knew it wasn't.
"Pepper Imps." he said to the gargoyle. The gargoyle didn't move. Oh damn, those are her favourite candies. He had sneaked a box of them into her tip jar last week and she had squealed with delight, although she didn't know they were from him and when she asked if he saw who put them there he'd snapped at her. "Peppermint Humbug." The gargoyle leaped out of the way.
As he ascended the revolving staircase, he tried to clear his mind of that girl. He was her tutor, after all, and this was very unprofessional. Anyway, she had a silly name, she was clumsy, she had that ridiculous doxy hairdo, she smiled too much, and she was always poking his nose. But she spent so much time reading in the library, her drinks were so innovative, and she was doing so well in his tutoring sessions...
"Severus, what a delightful surprise!" said Dumbledore, as Snape entered the office, although by the way his blue eyes twinkled, he wasn't really surprised to see Snape at all. "How are your tutoring sessions with the young Ms. Pike going?"
"Headmaster, if I might," said Snape silkily, "I'd like to suggest her as a new recruit for the Order."
----
"Master, you know how you were looking for some more young Death Eater recruits?" said Fenrir, absentmindedly picking at a large glob of wax in his ear, "well, there's this little girl I just met..."
----
A/N: Well, I hope you liked it. Stay tuned for the next chapter, where Arizona meets Peeves and says, "What the hell is that?"