Death and Transfiguration

Tears

Izayoi had been quite correct: Inuyasha had fully intended to simply wander off into the world, totally alone, and to "tough out" his grief—something that she knew would have been the worst thing he could have done for himself. She also knew that she would have worried herself sick over his welfare, and she would have eventually set off in search of him with little hope of ever finding him in the vastness of the feudal era—perhaps never to find him, always to wonder what had happened to him.

But the long journey together turned out to be something that everyone sorely needed. As on any journey through grief to recovery, there were good days and bad. On good days, they laughed, and Shippou would sometimes sing some of the thousands of silly songs he claimed to know (but which Izayoi was beginning to think that he just made up on the spot, as they always seemed suspiciously pertinent to the day's events), and at night around the fire Inuyasha would tell them stories of the adventures of his early life, before he met Kagome or Kikyou (about whom, needless to say, he never spoke).

And then there were bad days. Inuyasha would awaken them before dawn by merely saying "Let's go," and run without stopping, sometimes far into the night, when he would finally drop from exhaustion. He spent one entire week sitting in a tree, looking at the clouds by day and the stars by night, saying nothing, quietly rubbing Kagome's wedding ring hanging from his necklace. Once every few days he came down for water; he said nothing to Izayoi's or Shippou's questions, merely patting them on the shoulders as he passed.

One day—a day that had started out, at least, as a "good" day—Inuyasha had been running through the forest with Izayoi at his side, Shippou riding happily on her back, when Inuyasha suddenly stopped and sank dejectedly to his haunches.

"What's wrong, Dad?" asked Izayoi.

Inuyasha couldn't meet her eyes; he stared at the ground and said, very quietly, "Your mother rode on my back for so many years...and now, I only feel the wind there. My back feels...so empty..."

Izayoi walked behind him and put her hands lightly on his shoulders. "Daddy," she asked, "I'm tired. Would you carry me for a little while? Like you did when I was a little girl?"

A rare smile crept across Inuyasha's face. "Of course I will...my dear little princess." He stood up, and Izayoi climbed onto his back. "Thank you," he whispered. Off he ran with his daughter on his back, just as he had done so often in her childhood; and it seemed to Izayoi that even carrying her weight, his steps fell more lightly than they had before.

Shippou took the shape of a great bird and easily kept apace of them, sometimes flying next to them, sometimes soaring high above them, scanning the landscape. Presently, he landed on Izayoi's shoulder and whispered into her ear: "Tell Inuyasha to bear right, and follow the river to those rocks up ahead. It's the perfect place to stay tonight—and since it's the night of the new moon, we want to get there long before sunset."

Izayoi nodded, and relayed Shippou's advice to Inuyasha. He also nodded, and his pace quickened as he made for the place Shippou had found.

And it was indeed the perfect place to spend the night of the new moon. It was a wide meadow, in a clearing that was precisely at the bend of the river. There was a clear view of the river in both directions; the woody cover at the far side of the meadow was well out of the range of any archer less powerful than Izayoi; and a large and treacherous rocky outcropping provided cover for their backs. Inuyasha couldn't have been more pleased, and he patted Shippou vigorously on the back, pronouncing the find "the safest place I've ever spent a new moon." Before the sun set, Inuyasha used Tessaiga to blast a small cave into the rocks. Once night fell and everyone had settled in for the long watch, Izayoi cut off a few strands of her hair, and bound Tessaiga's sheath to two of her miko's arrows, which she drove point-first into the earth at the mouth of the cave. There was a pink flash, and everyone felt their hair standing slightly on end as Izayoi's barrier formed and stiffened. "That'll keep pretty much everything away from us," she said proudly, as she examined her handiwork. "And if there is anything strong enough to get through that barrier..." she said, drawing one of her longest and nastiest-looking arrows out of her quiver and nocking it on the string of her bow, "It's not going to live long enough to brag about it to its friends."

The night of the new moon was always tense for everyone, but tonight was particularly bad. Inuyasha was bleaker than usual, and Izayoi, who was already worried enough about her father's emotional well-being, paced nervously at the mouth of the cave, her every sense reaching out to its furthest. Shippou sat tending the fire, feeling rather useless; but then he saw Inuyasha staring at the fire, two tiny tears glistening like fine jewels at the corners of his eyes, his shoulders quivering as he tried to maintain his composure. Shippou crossed the cave and whispered something to Izayoi. She nodded, and left the mouth of the cave to stand a respectful distance away in the middle of the meadow, her long white hair glowing faintly in the dim starlight.

Shippou sat down next to Inuyasha and put his arm around Inuyasha's shoulders. "Inuyasha..." he said gently. Inuyasha just sniffed and said nothing, his eyes never leaving the fire.

Shippou spoke intensely, but gently. "Inuyasha... you remember that day that you pulled Kagome out of the burning building, and we all thought she was dead... and you told me, 'Men don't cry.' I remember it like it was yesterday." Inuyasha nodded slightly. "I don't think I ever told you this before... but you're the one who really taught me how to be a man. Not Miroku— thank heavens, not Miroku— you.When I met you, I was an orphan... but Kagome became my mom, and you became my dad, and you two taught me what it meant to be brave, and to be loving... and what it really meant to be a man. But I learned some other things from you, too, that I don't think you know that you taught me."

Shippou grasped a lock of Inuyasha's black human hair and held it up for Inuyasha to see. "You taught me... this taught me... that even the strong are weak sometimes, and that it's OK to need other people. That it's OK for others to help you, just as you help others. That there's no shame in weakness, because it happens to all of us, sometimes." He released Inuyasha's hair, and crossed his arms, and said a little sternly, "Kagome was worried about you doing something like this, you know. When I was just a little kid, she and Sango would let me bathe with them, and they thought because I was a little kid, I wouldn't understand what they were saying...but I did, and I never forgot it. Kagome knew that you let things eat you up inside, and that you have a tender heart, no matter what you want the rest of us to think—and she told Sango that she was worried that if something ever went really wrong and something happened to any of us, you'd spend the rest of your life in misery, because you would blame yourself for what happened, or because you would refuse to deal with your own feelings—or both."

Inuyasha turned his face away, but Shippou took him gently by the shoulders. "Kagome never would have wanted this. You know that, Inuyasha. You know that she wouldn't want you to live like this. And you know what else men do, Inuyasha? Men always tell the truth. You taught me that, too. And men do cry, Inuyasha," Shippou said, tears falling gently from his eyes, "Men cry, because they tell the truth about how much they miss someone, and that truth honors the one we loved so much... the one who, no matter where they are, still loves us."

Inuyasha said nothing and stared at the fire, but his eyes slowly filled with tears, and his hands shook as he covered his face; and he screamed, "KAGOME!" and his anguished cry echoed off the walls of the cave and resounded through the meadow.

Hearing her father's scream, Izayoi rushed into the cave; and she found Inuyasha in Shippou's arms, sobbing bitterly, his head on Shippou's shoulder. Shippou's own eyes were wet as well, but he smiled as he looked at Izayoi, and he mouthed silently, "He'll be just fine." Izayoi sniffed and dabbed at her own eyes, but she nodded and smiled at Shippou, and she left the cave to resume the watch.

Just as the sun was rising, Izayoi returned to the cave. Shippou was leaning against the back wall of the cave, Inuyasha still in his arms. Inuyasha's face was still wet with tears, but his face was peaceful, and his breathing was smooth and quiet as he slept in Shippou's arms, where he had cried himself to sleep like a child. Shippou had faithfully kept watch, staying awake all night; and he looked kindly at Inuyasha, and he smiled at Izayoi, and he said softly, "I think everything is going to be OK now."