Enough.
'They're dead, they're all dead!'
Jack had to scream into his radio to be herd over the approaching choppers blades. He was running as fast as his feet could carry him, scared by the trail of blood he was leaving as he tumbled onwards, his ride home in sight. He just had to get to them. He risked a glance behind him but the coast seemed to be clear.
He threw himself onto the embankment and began to crawl up it, the chopper positioned just ahead. The team jumped out and climbed down the steep embankment, men grabbing each arm and pulling him up; he didn't have the strength. His head lulled forward as he started to lose consciousness. Despite the panic and roaring emotions surrounding him a small smile touched his lips; he would see them again, Terri and Kim. The smile faded as he realised his men would never see their loved ones again. Before his thought's turned to nothing tears began to run down his face as the chopper finally lifted off.
"Jack?"
He was jolted from his thoughts as Terri called, looking at him with a frown on her face.
"Where have you been?"
"Huh?" He looked genuinely confused as he thought about telling her where he had been in his mind, back in Bosnia waiting for death, accepting the fact that he had led eager men to their deaths. That was what she wanted to know, and he knew full well the mood swings and arguments wouldn't stop until he told her why he had been away 4 weeks longer than expected on a basic training exercise.
"Oh don't play these games," she snapped storming out of the room in anger.
He sighed, resting his head against the table; things would never be the same again. He had been home six weeks and she was still angry at him, and he knew he wasn't free from blame either, adapting back to his family role was harder than he had ever expected.
He closed his eyes and took himself back to Operation Nightfall. He hadn't died but his relationship with his wife had.
Kim was oblivious to the tension and the stored up frustration, until Jack left. She heard her mother make him leave, crying and shouting and throwing things in their bedroom. He had left with a bag thrown over his shoulder and tears in his eyes; sure that this was the end. He feared they had broken things which could never be fixed, he had feared he would never feel love again.
Nina was an unexpected journey. She was always by his side but he never really noticed her, not until she was right there, and then it was too late to look away. He thought of her as a substitute, something to replace Terri with until she would have him back. She could never really be Terri, so he told himself it would feel even better when he could finally return home. It was selfish but he couldn't help himself.
He didn't like what he was doing to Nina but he had set the record straight with her, and she didn't seem to care. When his guilt was strong he couldn't make himself say no, and she herself was a very persuasive woman. She didn't ask questions either, not about Nightfall, not about anything he didn't want to speak of. It was easy being with her, he could be distant without the grief which came with it. For the first time since the covert operation, he could be himself.
But then it was over before they had gotten too carried away; and all hell had broken out. Everything had ended when he and Nina split, even if he didn't know it at the time. She made sure he and Terri would never have the second chance he so desperately wanted; and Jack could do nothing but blame himself.
He had cheated on his wife. Separated or not, he had still been unfaithful. The fact that he knowingly strung a woman along whilst doing this making it worse. When he factored in her true identity, he wanted nothing more than to taste the steel of a barrel before pulling the trigger. He had caused all of this, and his wife would be forever lost. Not only did he accept the loss of love in his life, he knew he didn't deserve it either - he had destroyed his chance at happiness.
Trying to get his life back on track he had rejoined CTU and started to see Kate on a more personal level. It had taken months to accept that they could be more than friends. He had kept putting the inevitable off, scared he would hurt her, despite the clear signals they had sent each other on there first meeting. Chemistry was there, there was no doubt. He had feelings for her, strong ones; which mirrored hers. But he had convinced himself he would never love again, and that scared him. When things were good he was nervous something would ruin it, steal his happiness away. Even Kim was talking to him at this point - he knew the underserved happiness couldn't last.
And it didn't. Kate was… different. She liked to think she was oblivious to the 'real' world despite the fact that she had witnessed it first hand. It annoyed Jack but he ignored her ignorance on the matter. Then when he was handed a 6 month plus mission in Mexico, the bubbles in the paintwork turned to cracks.
Together they decided it was best to separate, Jack knowing he was always going to be better off alone. Kate made him warm but nothing more; he wasn't meant to love, and certainly not that kind of woman.
Mexico itself had been a tornado of wild mistakes and actions carried out for the greater good. Claudia had been a mixture of both. He was lonely, she offered comfort. The risk was high and the fact that they were taking it drew them closer together. Care developed after the lust, only when he was back in America did he realise how much he truly cared for her.
He had pitied her, at first. He perceived her the way Hector liked people to, a small defenceless woman he had helped, given a home and a purpose in life. It was far from the truth, Jack had learnt. She was strong and smart, not in love with Hector but the prospects he offered her and her family instead. She was also smart enough to know the hell which Hector would have made her life if she had turned down his invitation many years ago.
They had joined together for the wrong reasons, and something had clicked. Maybe it was the need or just the cruel world they were both surrounded by. But it didn't matter, he wasn't given the opportunity to fulfil the empty promises he had made, which had soon grown real to him and to her. He wanted to take her away with him, but it wasn't that simple.
He had never expected anything to come from them, other than relief and comfort. The uncertainty had convinced him this was a safe zone. When real feelings developed he hadn't worried, they were living in such a dangerous state, together and separate; that he had honestly believed they could be together.
Most importantly to him, she accepted him; all of him. But he didn't get the chance to help her, save her from the life he himself had escaped from. She was snatched from him in the eleventh hour, deaths reminder that he wasn't allowed happiness. He wasn't allowed comfort. It seemed to be his line of work which had ruined this relationship too, for if he hadn't gone back, Claudia would have survived. They wouldn't have been together, but alone is better than nothing at all; or so he had thought.
Leaving CTU made him think about things. He accepted that he would not be in a relationship again, but the acceptance depressed him; it was lonely in a new city alone, knowing it had to stay so.
The Secretary of Defence had been warm in welcoming him and allowed him to fully submerge himself in his work. He was pleased with both the work load and the distraction it provided, but a subtle irony kept nagging at him. Every love had been lost because of his work, and now he had vowed to never love again - instead he would stay involved with his work. It was the bitter truth but it bugged him at times, as it reminded him of the effort he had put in when younger to keep his life and his work separate. It seemed saddening to realise that he could only have one world.. Even more so when he realised he had chosen work over love.
Audrey changed this. She was the perfect combination of love and life. They grew closer and closer and were intimately involved before either of them had realised how thin the ice they were skating on was. And it was perfect. Bliss.
She worked with him, understood the demands, the bad sides and the operations he didn't care to re-tell. But outside of work they were different. She didn't need to question him or moan or wonder where he was when he left with little notice. She was understanding, and so was he, because it went both ways. It was a perfect match - even her estranged husband didn't cause tension or problems. For the first time in years he began to think that he had been wrong. He could live both lives, he could love again, and maybe, just maybe he deserved to be loved.
He had lived in a dream state for a few weeks, truly thinking he had out lived his curse and was being given another chance at happiness. Like all things good in life, it didn't last. Audrey claimed she knew both sides of him, and even more she admitted to loving all of him.
But she couldn't handle seeing him work under such intense conditions, and both of their dreams came crashing down on them. Realisation won over once and for all, Jack would never ever seek anything remotely like love or happiness again.
It was not meant to be.
How many time would he put his hands in the fire before realising it would always burn?
Enough was enough.
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