Don't Dwell in the Past

I was in one of the stalls in the bathroom - which were totally gross, by the way - crying.

I can't believe its him. After all these years, he just thinks he can barge into my life again. Why?

And why did Krantz do this to me? He definitely knows who Rob is. Rob was with me all of those times we were helping the missing kids.And now Rob is my new PARTNER! Does he have any idea what seeing Rob again could do to me? Well, I guess he does now. I mean, I wasn't exactly subtle when I ran to the bathroom.

"Jess?"

Oh. Great. Now they're looking for me. Now they probably think I'm pathetic and weak. Just another wonderful thing to add to my list. Can my life get any worse?

Don't answer that.

"Jess?" Kara called again. I heard her footsteps echo throughout the high-ceilinged restroom. I could tell she was looking under the stalls for me. I don't see why though, I was sobbing pretty loudly.

"Jess, I know you're in here. Please come out," she pleaded.

I knew she'd keep pestering me to come out, so I just did her the favor of doing so.

"Oh, Jess," I heard her say. What? Was something on my face?

Oh, wait, my mascara. Oh, god, I really need to buy water-proof mascara. It would do a lot of good.

I went over to the mirror and tried washing my face. I washed all of my makeup off 'cause it was all running anyway. Shit, I forgot my purse at the table.

I turned to Kara, who was looking at me intently. She studied me with her eyes for a minute and then said, "Oh," and fumbled through her purse. She took her mascara, eyeliner, and lipgloss from her bag.

I gladly took them and started applying it. Kara still hadn't said a word to me.

After I finished my makeup, Kara finally spoke.

"Jess, what was that all about?" God, that girl has no tact whatsoever.

I tried ignoring her, but it was a little difficult considering she was right next to me.

"Jess, please? Just tell me okay?" she pleaded.

"Kara, look, I can't right now. Before I tell you anything, I have to deal with Krantz," I said. Then I stormed out of the bathroom.

I went up to our table and smiled at them - actually, only Steph, because I sent glares in Rob's and Krantz's direction.

I tapped Krantz on the shoulder and said, "May I have a word with you?"

He hesitated, but then nodded. He knew what was coming. This was going to be the worst thing ever to come his way.

We went outside and sat down on a bench. I looked at him. He smiled weakly at me.

"So, Dr. K, would you like to tell me why my ex-boyfriend is in there?" I asked as sweetly as I could.

His smile faded and was replaced with a scowl. "Jessica, there are some things you just don't understand."

The sweet side of me was lost. "I don't understand? Cyrus, I think its you that doesn't understand. There are some things you don't even know, let alone understand," I explained.

"Jessica, Mr. Wilkins was your boyfriend five years ago," he said.

"Uh, tell me something I don't know," I said. Why the hell was he telling me something I reminded myself everyday?

"Let's just go back inside. You and him and can have your own little chat."

I glared at him. "Nuh uh. I'm not going to talk to him. If I do, I'll end up killing him. You should know that," I chided.

"Jessica, play nice," he said.

Play nice? That's something you tell little kids, not 23-year olds.

He went back inside and sat down. I watched him through the glass of the restaurant. I didn't want to go back in there, but I had to. Well, it was either that or walk back to work, which was a good ten miles away.

So, I walked back in there and took my seat across from Rob. Kara sent me a 'We'll talk later' look and I just groaned - inwardly.

I looked at Rob and tried to smile. I succeeded, but not by much.

"So, Rob, what brings you to New York?" I asked.

"I'm pretty sure you know what, Mastriani," he replied.

You know, I was right about him before, he is and arrogant jerk-off.

"Right. You're my new FBI partner. How did that come to be?"

He hesitated a moment, but then answered, "Well, after you left, I decided I'd join the FBI. I knew I couldn't work in my uncle's garage for the rest of my life, so I signed up. Cyrus here, got me into the training for cheap, so I could actually afford it. And it made my mother happy," he explained.

"Why the FBI though?" I asked, "you hated the FBI when we—" I stopped. I couldn't bring myself to say it, especially in front of Kara and Steph.

Needless to say, they - Kara and Steph - looked at me expectantly.

Rob looked at me knowingly. I looked away from his gaze and settled for the swirly table top. I felt his foot tough mine under the table. I quickly looked up from the fascinating table. He smiled at me. He frigging smiled at me. What's up with that?

Unfortunately, the timid side of me took over and I blushed. Stupid red pigments.

"I chose the FBI because I knew that one day I would maybe see you again," he said tenderly. Oh god, why did he have to say that. I knew without looking at them that Kara and Steph were looking at me. I knew what the topic of conversation would be when we got back to work. You knew him? they would ask.

I looked at him. "Right. And what makes you think that I'd want to see you again?" I asked.

He looked hurt when I said that.

HA! He's hurt? He should see the way he hurt me. Then, we'd be talking.

"Jess," he started, but stopped. He looked over at Krantz and he nodded. Okay, is this some secret code or something? "Jess, there are some things you just don't understand. I know what you thought you saw, but it wasn't like that, I—"

"No, Rob, don't even bother. This conversation is over. Don't you dare bring that up again. I mean it," I seethed. I was way pissed off. He had the nerve to come back into my life and say that I didn't know what I saw? What kind of ass does that? Well, him obviously, but besides that?

Yeah, that would be a big fat ZERO.

"Jess, please," he pleaded, "just listen t— "

"NO!" I yelled. Everyone started to look over at our table. But you know what? I didn't give a shit. "I don't want to hear a word you say. If I knew it was you that was coming, I'd be out of this city faster than you could say 'transfer'."

He was about to say something else, but I simply said, "This conversation is over, Wilkins."

He stopped, looking defeated.

I got up and started walking towards the exit. I needed some fresh air after that. So I walked outside and sat down on the same bench that Krantz and I had sat on before. A few minutes later I felt someone else sit down beside me. It was Kara.

"Jess, what was that in there?" she asked for the second time today.

I sighed, "I don't feel like talking about it right now."

"Listen Jess, I'm sorry," she apologized.

I looked at her, confused, "Sorry for what?"

"For not telling you who it was," she said, "if I had known you would've reacted that way, I would've told you in a heartbeat."

"Kara, its fine. You didn't know. And besides, I wouldn't want you to get fired because of me," I said. I mean, how shitty would I feel if my friend got fired because of me? Yeah, pretty shitty.

She gave me a hard look, "Jess, you are way more important than some stupid job."

That touched me. It really did. My friend was willing to get fired for me. I . . . I was touched.

"Thanks, K. It means so much to me that you care that much." I really didn't know that she cared for me - my feelings - that much. I didn't know that people actually cared about me. I know quite a few who don't.

We sat for a few minutes in a very uncomfortable silence. Then she said, "Do you want to go back inside now?"

I looked at her like she was crazy. "Go back in there? With him?"

She answered modestly, "Uh, yeah."

"I'm not going back in there. Nuh uh. Not after I just freaked out. And not with him in there."

"What do you propose we do then?" she asked.

"Uh, just go get Steph and tell Krantz we're leaving," I answered.

She shook her head. "Alright, I'll be right out," she said and disappeared into the restaurant.

I sat on the bench contemplating my life. What did I do wrong? Did I really deserve what was happening to me? Okay, so maybe I wasn't an angel my whole life, but I definitely wasn't a horrible person. I didn't commit homicide or anything. Actually, I helped people. I found missing people and reunited them with their families. I caught criminals and put them in their place. So why was I being punished?

Okay, lets recap for a minute. The only guy I ever loved cheated on me and got me pregnant. I live alone for five years with two kids. Then five years after I leave the guy, he comes back to ruin my life again. Do you see something wrong here?

I know I do.

But I can't help thinking maybe what I'm thinking is wrong.

I mean, I have two wonderful children that wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. I have a pretty nice job. I live in a nice apartment. I have the best friends anyone could ever have.

But the thing I want - need - so much is nonexistant in my life. I don't have someone to love. Yes, I have my kids. But that love is unconditional. I want someone who I could marry someday and make love to and just love.

Is that so much to ask?

Disclaimer: All of the characters you recognize belong to Meg Cabot, the ultimate writer of our time. All of the other characters you don't recognize, and the plot, belong to me.