Don't Dwell in the Past
Krantz let me go early. Right after the lunch incident.
I guess he knew I'd refuse to work if he didn't let me. And, face it, if it wasn't for me, there would be a LOT more missing people in the world.
So when I got home - with my kids, of course - I decided to give my family a call.
Now, I know what you're thinking. After five years, she's just going to go and call them?
Well, yeah, basically.
I mean, I haven't spoken to them in over five years. What better time to make amends than now?
So, you know, I dialed my home phone number - things like that you just do not forget.
It rang three times before someone picked up.
"Hello?" I heard a guy ask on the other line. I think it was Mike.
I didn't respond, so they went again, "Hello?"
If I didn't answer this time, surely he would hang up on me. "Mike?" I answered.
"Who's th—?" he stopped and then said, "Jess?"
I could easily hear the disbelief in his tone. And the surprise.
"Uh yeah," I responded lamely.
"Hold on, I'll go get mom," he said.
Mom? Oh, shit, I couldn't bare to talk to her right now. I'm more comfortable with talking to Mike.
"Wait!" I yelled into the phone.
"What?" he asked.
"Mike, I - I can't talk to her yet. Please, don't," I begged.
He seemed to oblige and said, "If you don't mind me asking, why are you calling?"
"Is that a complaint?" I said humorously.
"No, its just that, well, none of us has talked to you in five years, Jess, and it's a little peculiar that you'd call out of the blue like this," he explained.
Yeah, I guess I could see where he was coming from. I mean, I DID kind of call out of the blue. Five years is a hell of a long time.
Even though it seemed like only five minutes ago to me.
"I know. It's just, well, I miss you guys. I haven't been with anybody for five years and I'm kind of lonely here. Well, except for—" Oh, shit, I almost spilled the beans. I almost told him about my kids.
"Except for what, Jess?" he asked.
"Um, nothing, just some friends I have here," I supplied quickly. Well, it WAS the truth, just not what I was gonna say before.
"So, where are you living?" he asked.
Uh, should I tell him? I mean, is he going to come and look for me and then tell everybody where I am?
Wait, this is Mike we're talking about.
"New York City," I answered.
"Oh, sounds . . . interesting," I am so sure, "well, I, uh, do you think - can I come visit you sometime?" he asked.
Oh, god, would I love that. To see him again. My brother.
"Um, sure," I said quickly, before I changed my mind, "when?"
"Um, maybe this weekend?" he questioned.
God, I can't wait to see him. Who cares if I'm blowing my cover.
"Yeah, this weekend sounds great. Saturday, right?" I asked.
"Sure. I'll try and get a ticket tonight," he said.
"Okay," wow, I actually am happy about this, "what are you doing at mom and dad's anyway?" I asked.
"Well, I came by to pick up my kid, since mom was watching him," he answered.
Wow, so much has happened while I was gone. Well, I still am gone.
"Wow, I guess you married Claire then?"
"Yeah, three years ago. And Doug and Tasha got married last year. Oh, and Aunt Rose, Jess, she uh, died last year." he supplied me with all of this information.
Great Aunt Rose? God, did I give a shit about her? NO.
Well, I still felt bad. I mean, she WAS a relative.
I felt even worse when I realized I had missed both of my brother's weddings AND the birth of my nephew.
It was a horrible feeling. It truly was.
And it was all because of one guy.
One stupid fucking guy.
1-1-1-1-1
I picked Mike up at the airport Saturday afternoon. He looked great.
He called yesterday, which was Friday, so I didn't have to deal with Rob.
Yet.
I called Chandler to babysit the twins. I didn't want Mike to see them yet. He could wait.
"So, Jess," Mike said, trying to make some conversation, "what have you been doing with yourself?"
"Working," I replied simply.
"Working..." he replied in an a-little-more-info-please way.
"Yes, working. For the FBI."
"Really? Wow, that sounds great. Do you like it?"
I dunno. Do I like it?
I mean, I guess I did, but recent events have kind of ruined that.
"Eh, its okay, I guess. The pay is pretty good, though."
"I can imagine," he replied.
"So, what're you doing?" I asked. I had one hand on the steering wheel and the other at my side. I have become a pretty good driver if I do say so myself.
"I'm a computer programmer," he answered, "I get pretty good money too."
Oh. I really didn't know what a computer programmer did and, to tell you the truth, I kind of didn't care. So I pretended I knew.
"Oh. That's great, Mike. Really, it is."
He smiled at me. "Jess, we all missed you so much. Why did you leave?" he asked.
I sighed.
"I knew that was coming. Listen, I'll answer your question when we get to my place. Okay?"
"Um, okay," he said.
We arrived at the apartment building parking lot.
I offered Mike some help with his bags, but he said he could do it himself, even if he looked like he was struggling. Thank god the buliding had an elevator.
We walked through my door and Mike dropped his stuff near it.
"Come on, I want you to meet some people," I told him and grabbed his arm.
"Okay..."
I led him down the hallway and to the living room. Autumn, Aaron, and Chandler were sitting on the couch watching television.
"Mike, I'd like you to meet Autumn, Aaron, and Chandler," I said and pointed to them as I said their names, "And this is my brother, Mike, you guys."
They all said their 'hello's' while I waited for Mike to ask the question.
"Who are they exactly? I mean, what are their relationships with you, Jess?" he asked, when we were in my bedroom, talking.
"Um, well, I know this is going to sound...bizarre, but Autumn and Aaron are my kids, Mike. And Chandler is their babysitter."
He choked on the soda he was drinking.
"WHAT?"
"I, uh, got pregnant back in Indiana and—"
"So, THAT'S why you left?"
I gave him a guilty shrug and went to look at the carpet. It was blue.
"Well, more or less," I said. God, I don't think I could bare to tell him what happened between Rob and I. And now that he's BACK. Oh, dear lord. Help me.
He just kept looking at me. And shaking his head, he said, "Oh, my god, Jess. Why didn't you tell anyone?"
I looked up at him when he asked that. I mean, it WAS kind of obvious why, exactly, I didn't tell anyone.
Can you say homicide?
"I think its rather obvious, Mike," I told him.
And he replied, "Well, okay, maybe I'm retarded then. Please, enlighten me."
I just rolled y eyes, even though there really wasn't anything eye-rolling worthy happening at the moment. That's just me, though.
"Um, well," I started. How do I put this? "I just didn't think Mom and Dad would take it well - Mom especially. It just happened, you know?"
That last question was meant to be rhetorical, but Mike, I guess, didn't see it that way.
"It just happened? Jess, you don't just GET pregnant. There IS an activity required in that process and—"
I cut him off with a, "MIKE! PLEASE, just stop there. I had sex, okay? Your little baby sister had sex at 17, alright? I got pregnant. I know the consequences of my actions. Now, can we PLEASE not talk about the baby making process?"
Especially since the guy I did it with is a two-timing jerk.
But I wasn't going to say that to him. That would merit unwanted questions.
He looked at me weirdly and said, "Uhh, sure. Sorry."
Then an awkward silence fell upon us like morning dew on a freshly mowed lawn.
Hmm.
This was...weird.
And then Mike had to go and ask, "Jess, uh, can I just know who the, um, father is?"
I didn't want to tell him. I mean, I knew he'd get mad.
But I also knew that he pretty much knew who it was an d just needed confirmation of accusations.
"You know who it is, Mike," I told him.
To which he replied with, "You're right, I do."
Then I went back to looking at the lovely blue rug, which now appeared almost gray.
Weird.
"Did - Jess, did something else happen between you two? I mean, he would have come with you, to live with you. I could just tell when he looked at you sometimes."
I wanted to scream at Mike right now. He was so naive.
But I held it in. For now.
"You're wrong, Mike. He never loved me. I thought he did, too, but it turns out it was just some big, huge lie," I replied bitterly.
Mike now looked skeptical. I know he wanted to press it more, but didn't know if I'd explode at him or not.
I guess he went for the plunge.
"Jess, what'd he do to you?" he asked incredulously.
Now I was just acting like a bitch. But I couldn't help it.
I said, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
I could tell he was getting a little annoyed, but I was hesitant on telling him, afraid of what he would do.
"Yes, actually I would, Jess/ You're my little sister, Jess, and I want to be there for you when you need help or support. Like now, for instance," he said.
"Fine, MIKE. You want to know what the son of a bitch did to me? DO YOU?" God, I was way past my breaking point. "He FREAKING CHEATED ON ME! WITH SOME NEW GIRL WHO TURNED OUT TO BE A COMPLETE SLUT!"
I've officially cracked.
"JESS! Calm down!" he yelled trying to get me to, get this, calm down. Who would've thought?
I let out a long breath and apologized, "Oh, god, Mike, I'm SO sorry. I just - I guess I've had so much pent up anger and stuff. I really am sorry."
He looked apologetic, too.
"Nah, its okay, I understand. And I PROMISE I will get that asshole back for you," he promised.
Oh, my god. At first I thought he meant he was going to get Rob back TOGETHER with me!
Phew! I overreact too much.
"Um, no, its okay. Really, Mike, I'm over it," I said, which, of course, was a complete and utter lie.
He gave me a suspicious look and said, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I said, which, might I add, was not at all convincing.
"Jess has he — have you seen him lately?" he finally asked.
I knew lying would get me nowhere.
So I nodded.
His eyes grew wide. "Where?" he asked gently, which was, you know, weird. Whatever.
I didn't want to tell him. I just couldn't. I'd endured enough, but now I'm getting my brother into the middle of this? God, I a psycho.
"Jess, tell me, please," he pleaded.
I looked at him and gave him a very non-convincing smile.
"He works with me, now," I finally said.
"WHAT!" he exploded.
"Um, well, Krantz has apparently found me a new partner. Isn't that just peachy?" I said, with a little more sarcasm than necessary.
And then pretty much the entire story came spilling out. Ridiculous, right? Well, that's how I get. I refuse to tell people something, but then, in the end, I tell them more than necessary.
I need help.
Or a boyfriend. One that won't CHEAT ON ME.
Whichever comes first.
He sympathized and we talked some more. Then we went back out to the living room. I payed Chan and her boyfriend came to pick her up.
And then Mike played with my kids. They really loved him, especially when they found out he was their uncle.
It was almost perfect.
And then Mike said something that made me both want to throw up and make my heart beat faster - in a good way.
He goes, "God, Jess, they look so much like Rob."
Disclaimer: Meg Cabot owns the 1-800-where-r-you characters.