Don't Dwell in the Past
I felt nervous as hell preparing everything.
Right when I got home, I started cleaning up the place. You know, making sure no stray bras, panties, tampons, etc. were lying around. I left the kids' room alone. Its not like we were gonna go in there anyway.
I really don't know why I felt nervous. I mean, I claimed to hate this guy, right? So, why should I feel all jittery even before he gets here? This is seriously some twisted shit.
I took a shower after I was done cleaning. It was a nice, long, hot one. It relaxed me a bit, too. But when I got out, insecurity and nervousness washed over me again.
I got dressed, which took quite a while. I couldn't decided what to wear. What I really wanted to wear was my pajamas, butI didn't think that was entirely appropriate. And then I wondered if I should wear a skirt.
A skirt in my own home?
Yeah, so I ended up just settling for a pair of worn-in jeans - I kept them after all these years - a slightly revealing black tank top, and a pair of tan Ugg boots. Then I did my make up and hair and I was good to go.
Yet, I still had to order the food. Maybe I'd just wait until he got here, so he could order what he wanted, even if I did know what he wanted.
Jess, his taste buds could've changed since you knew him.
I set some candles up and lit them (the scent was French Vanilla and it smelled soo good).
Wait, um.
They were SO not for a sexual affect.
It was more of the feng-shui thing-a-ma-bobber.
I swear!
Then I turned the news on, plopped on my couch, and waited.
You know, before I left his office at work, I almost forgot to tell him where I lived. I did so, with a sheepish grin and a blush. He just chuckled and assured me he'd be over at eight.
I made sure Autumn and Aaron were in bed. Well, they were watching TV or something since they weren't tired. I can understand. I mean, it is only eight o' clock. They usually go to bed around eleven, when I do.
Hey, I never said I was the best mother on the planet.
They protested, but when I told them I had ice cream in the freezer, they shut up and went to make their own cones. I also got them sprinkles, hot fudge, caramel, and other things to put on the top. They were pretty grateful for it and decided that they'd let me be. Joy.
It was in the middle of some report on a missing girl - great, I'll be waking up tomorrow with the location of her (as you can see, I still have the same attitude toward my 'gift' that I had when I was sixteen) - when there was knock at the door.
I looked at the clock on the wall. 8:06 PM.
I went to the door and let him in.
"You're late," I said with a grin.
That was when I noticed a bouquet of flowers in his hand. I gasped, loudly.
He said, to my previous remark, "Sorry. Traffic." Then he went, "Do you have a vase?"
I looked at him, still in shock that he got me FLOWERS. I nodded and went off to look for one.
A minute later, I returned, armed with a crystal vase.
"Perfect," he said.
He stuck them in there, went to the sink in the kitchen, filled the vase up, and put it back on my kitchen table.
Finally, I asked, "Why on earth did you get me flowers?"
"You don't like them?" he wanted to know.
"What? No, I like them. In fact, I love them," I assured him. "But why did you get them for ME?" I asked, so he would get it this time.
"Oh," he said, "well, I felt the need to get you something. Is that such a crime?"
The way he said it made me go, "Are you bribing me?"
He gave me his trademark half-disgusted half-amused smile. "If it works, then, sure," he replied nonchalantly.
That smile stirred something around in me.
I...I didn't get it. Why, all of a sudden, was I being so nice to him? I thought I hated this guy. Its just...he's being so nice to me and, well, all I was being to him was a class A bitch. But...this was the guy that cheated on me. I think.
Now I'm not so sure about that.
I playfully punched him in the arm. I laughed inwardly when I saw him wince. "You're gonna have to do more than bribing, Wilkins."
"I know," he replied. His face was solemn. There was no trace of humor anywhere.
"Um, Rob," I tittered nervously, at the look on his face, "tell me what you want and I'll order it."
Before he told me what he wanted, he said, "Are you on the menu?" Part of his humor was back, but part of him was still being serious, I could tell.
"Rob," I said, in a warning voice.
"Okay," he said, throwing his hands up in defeat. "General Tao's Chicken," he said.
Hm. Same as always.
I smiled to myself at that little revelation. It was a little reassuring for some odd, twisted reason.
I ordered for both of us. Then I led him to the living room. I sat down on the couch facing the window, while Rob took a seat on the one opposite me. Thank god.
"So," I said, conversationally, "you wanna start first?"
He gave me a half smile. "Sure." Then he leaned back on the couch and knitted his hands together. A sure sign of nervousness.
"Okay, what do you want to hear first?" he asked.
"Doesn't matter."
"Okay," he replied. "I guess I'll start with an apology." He sat there for a few seconds, then he said, "I'm sorry about the way things turned out, Jess. I'm sorry about everything. If I had known things would've turned out this way, I would've...I don't know what I would have done."
He stopped to look at me. Then he took a deep breath and started again. "Look, I know what you thought you saw years ago, at the church. And you may not believe it, but I didn't kiss that girl. I mean, I didn't even know her, for God's sake. She just came on to me and kissed me, right at the moment that you happened to come back upstairs.
"Jess, I swear I didn't kiss her. I don't know what will make you believe me, but I would never do that to you. I would never have cheated on you." He took another deep breath and continued. "That night a few weeks before that happened, I told you I loved you. And I meant it. I wasn't just saying it to get you in bed, Jess. I really, really meant it.
"And now, I'll say it again," he said. He looked me dead in the eye and said, to my utter astonishment, "I love you, Jess. I always have and I always will. I don't expect you to feel the same way anymore, but I at least hope you would believe me when I say that I didn't - and never would - cheat on you."
He was done with his speech. He was waiting for me to say something.
But I couldn't say anything. I was completely and utterly shocked.
He just told me he loved me.
Maybe it's a joke...?
But...but why would he joke about this? And after five years of searching for me?
Could this really be true? Could he really love me?
And he says he didn't kiss her. He says she kissed him. Hey, I would peg that bitch to do something like that, but...I dunno.
Its kind of hard to believe something like that...especially since I loved the guy more than anything in the world.
But did I love him now? I know I was feeling something for him. Something I normally would never feel for someone who has a penis. But I don't know if it was exactly love.
He was waiting for some sort of reply to it. And, me being the idiotic person I am, I went and said, "You love me?"
"Yes," was all he said.
"I don't...I don't know what to say, Rob. Its all just too sudden and everything." I saw him run his hand through his hair. He was nervous again. I played with my hands in my lap. "I don't know if I can believe you. I'm sorry."
He had a broken look across his face. "No. No, its all right. I understand." But I knew it wasn't all right. I knew he was heart broken and hopeless.
As was I.
Then he said something that stopped my heart completely. "Don't dwell in the past, they always say."
Then the doorbell rang.
Oh, Chinese food.
I think I may have lost my appetite.
I answered the door, gave the man a twenty, letting him keep the change, and sat back down with the food. I put the bag on the coffee table. Then I went back to the kitchen to get some forks and plates. And some glasses and soda. I came back into the living room with my arms full.
Rob was still sitting there with the same crestfallen expression.
We ate our food in silence. I wasn't really hungry anymore, but I still ate it. Well, some of it. I put the leftovers in the fridge.
When I came back from the kitchen, I saw Autumn sitting on the couch next to Rob. He was talking to her. I was curious as to why she was out of bed.
"Autumn?" I said, "honey, what're you doing out here? I thought you went to bed."
She saw by my expression that I wasn't really happy at the moment. Then she said, "I'm not tired. And Aaron won't let me watch TV." She pouted and folded her arms across her chest.
I sighed. "Go watch TV in my room then," I told her. "And when you're done, try and go to sleep, sweetie."
She got up and as she walked by me, I ruffled her hair. Then she turned back around and said, "Good night. It was nice meeting you."
Rob smiled and said, "You too."
A thought crossed my mind that was really weird. Rob would probably make a good father. That's what I thought. Boy, if only I had let him explain years ago, and I had believed him, he would probably be my husband right now and an excellent father.
"She's cute," he said.
I smiled and replied, "Yeah. Yeah, she is."
"Look, Rob," I said. He was paying full attention to me by the tone of my voice. "While we're on the subject of my kid - kids - I mine as well explain."
"Okay," he said simply. I saw that he relaxed himself a bit, after being tense for a few minutes.
"Right," I said. I tried to relax myself, too, but, uh, what I was about to tell him was very big. Very big indeed. "What I'm about to tell you will probably be a shock to you, so be prepared." I saw him nod and inch forward on the couch a bit, as if straining to listen.
"Rob, you—" Oh, god, this is harder than I though. "Rob," I started again. Better just get this over with. "You are their father."
Just as I thought. He had shock written all over his face.
"Excuse me?" he said, after he composed himself a little.
"Rob, you are the father of my children," I said in a serious tone.
Again, he looked shocked, but he seemed to get over it in a few seconds. "You're serious," he said, his face dead pan.
"Yup."
"Oh, my god," he muttered.
I guess he seemed to be in denial because he said, "No. No, you must be mistaken, Jess. I - I can't be. Its not possible." He was looking down at his hands, as if willing them to get him out of this somehow.
"Oh?" I said cruelly. "Its not possible, eh?" Then I stood up and looked at him firmly. "It sure as hell is possible if you're the only man that I've ever had sex with."
His eyes widened twice as much than when I told him he was the father. "You - you're kidding, right?" he asked in disbelief.
"No. I most certainly am not joking, Rob," I said in a curt voice. I think now he pretty much understood what this meant.
He finally was able to speak and said, as I sat down, "Look, Jess, I don't know how this happened—"
"Really?" I laughed. "I'm pretty sure I do."
He gave me a stony look. "You know what I mean."
"Of course," I replied aloofly.
He ran his hand through his think hair. "What do you want me to do, Jess? I mean, you tell me five years after it happened and I just...I don't know what you want from me."
"Don't tell me," I said angrily, "that you would have liked the idea of raising two kids. Especially since we'd have to tell my parents and everything, too."
"Okay, fine. That would have been hell," he admitted. "But it still doesn't change the fact that I spent five years of my life looking for the woman that—"
He stopped himself and looked at me, not showing any emotion at all.
"The woman that what, Rob?" I asked. I was losing my patience here. And I was getting really tired.
"Nothing. Never mind," he said, trying to dismiss the subject.
"Whatever," I said.
God, I am such a bitch.
No, seriously. I mean, this guy gives me flowers, tells me that he didn't cheat on me, and says he frickin' LOVES me. And what do I do? I act like a bitch.
It's a wonder why he loves me, though.
"Look, I'm sorry, Rob," I apologized, "but this is all happening so fast and everything. And I just don't know what to do." I crossed me legs and sat up a bit. "You say you didn't cheat on me and that you love me. I just...I don't know what to do," I said softly, my voice cracking.
The tears were coming. For the second time today. Lovely.
"I did love you. I really did. But its been five years, okay? Five years. You can't just expect me to jump in your arms and scream 'I love you' at the top of my lungs. Just...give me some time. Please." Some tears leaked out of my eyes. Rob saw and looked at me all solemnly.
"I think I should go," he said. He got up to leave.
I got up and followed him, wiping my tears away. "Good idea," I croaked out.
And just like that, he left.
And I couldn't help but feel like I crushed him. The guy loved me and I just pushed him away. But...my heart wasn't ready yet. It wasn't ready to take him back into my life. It just wasn't.
I lied to him.
I told him that I loved him. But I was wrong in saying that.
I still love him. Yet...I'm scared. Scared that the same thing, like what happened five years ago, will happen again.
And then...then I remembered how he kissed me the other day. He kissed me with such love and passion and abandon that it was unbearable.
Oh, my god. He really did love me!
I mean, he said so. But you can't really trust words, can you?
But you can trust feelings. And now I know he truly cares for and loves me. Now I just have to will myself to believe him about the incident.
Oh god. Why does this have to happen to me?
I dragged myself to my room. Autumn had already gone back and fell asleep. I plopped myself on my bed and cried myself to sleep.
Before I drifted off to sleep, I couldn't help but think: Tomorrow is gonna be hell.
Disclaimer: All of the characters you recognize belong to Meg Cabot, the ultimate writer of our time. All of the other characters you don't recognize, and the plot, belong to me.