Disclaimer: I own nothing. CSI: Miami and CSI: Crime Scene
Investigation belong to whomever they belong to. The songs belong to Enigma and Micheal Cretu.

Synopsis: Angst fest. Tim loves Eric and Eric doesn't love him. It's Horatio to the rescue… sort of. (Timothy Speedle/Horatio Caine)

Archive: Long as you ask and make sure my e-mail address is with it... :)

Pairing: Horatio Caine/Timothy Speedle

Rating: R because of allusions to sexual content and very little
strong language. Rating will probably go up later due to sexual
content. (LOL)

Authors Notes: This was supposed to be a Eric Delko/Timothy Speedle
fic but for some reason it didn't work out. Then I was going to make
it Speed/Greg Sanders-- but my muse demanded that I write a
Horatio/Speed fic. So, here is the first part and I hope you enjoy.
(Be forewarned... it takes me a long time to post the chapters
afterwards... LOL. I'm bad about that...) Ah, and it is extremely
disjointed... it's supposed to be.

Chapter 2: The Experience of Survival

((Look around just people, can you hear the voice, find the one who guides you, to the limits of your choice. And if you're in the eye of the storm, just think of a lonely dove. The experience of survival is the key—to the Gravity of Love))

The sun filtering through the unfixed crack in the blinds caused Speedle to fully wake up. The sunlight was beaming directly into his eyes, causing the reflex of flinching and one hand coming up quickly to block his eyes. His eyes, remained closed however, and he listened to his surroundings. The sound of a gentle, even breathing, drew his attention. He was suddenly aware of warm breath stirring the small hairs at the back of his neck. He was also aware of a pair of lips almost flush against his skin, barely grazing the surface, but close enough to feel the heat. One strong, pale arm was wrapped around his waist, holding him in place. The reddish-blonde hairs that were showing up on his arm made Speed realize that it was Horatio, his boss, in bed with him. Horatio's lean form was pressed up against his backside, almost flush with his body. Though, Horatio was down slightly further, Horatio's head was buried, almost, in the nape of Speed's neck. Another thing he noticed was that his boss was suffering from normal morning male problems and it was poking just below Speed's buttocks. In a slight panic, Speed cast about for what went on the previous night.

However, the fact that he was still in all of his clothing as was Horatio, thoughts that had been obsessed with the ramifications of sleeping with his boss evaporated into thin air. He had not slept with his boss and so, he had no need to worry about ramifications. Then, the conversation with Eric played in his mind, along with the events of last night. He had, for all intents and purposes, been writing a suicide letter. He had been nowhere near done at three pages. He sighed, wondering if suicide was truly, not the way out, with all the people he had written to and was going to write too—it certainly seemed like he had a lot to live for. Horatio had saved him, then yelled at him, then confessed his love and his innate desire to protect him. Speed sighed, a gentle sappy sigh. However, his happiness was short lived and all the color drained from his face. How was he supposed to tell his boss, whom he had sobbed all over for a good half the night, that he was still in love with Eric and had absolutely no love interest in Horatio. Tears sprang to his eyes once again.

Speed hated being as emotional as he was, but his stronger emotions tended to cause tears. Thankfully, he was not sobbing yet and Horatio had not woken up. However, Speed knew that he needed to examine his feelings. He wasn't sure how light of a sleeper his boss was, so he chose to do his thinking spooned up with Horatio in his own bed. The first and foremost thing was that he was still slightly infatuated with Eric. Eric had been his love interest for a long time now, but somewhere in his heart he knew the moment that Eric and Warrick had met, he did not stand a snowball's chance in hell of ever getting with Eric. He wasn't shocked when Eric had finally told him the news—what he was shocked about was why Eric had agreed to sleep with him that night. That, probably, was the thing weighing heaviest on his mind right now. Even if he wasn't in love with Horatio, he still loved Horatio, and the relationship could be born of willingness to experiment, a source for sexual release, and someone whom would share his companionship. When Speed said that sentence to himself in his mind, however, he felt arrogant and self-absorbed. There was no way he was going to lead Horatio on like that, much less for his own selfish desires. He groaned slightly and closed his eyes once again. The sun had hidden behind some clouds and he eased his arm down to lightly pet his boss' arm. He felt how fine the hair on his arm was, judging on appearance it seemed rough, but it was actually quite soft. Speedle soon found out that Horatio's hands were soft as well as they began to trace idle patters on his bare shoulders. Speedle purred low, almost a deep rumbling and he snuggled closer to Horatio. Horatio's grip tightened slightly around his waist, seeming to bespeak of the highest voices of possession. For some reason, that made Speedle's body burn with desire. He felt his skin flush in heated desire, a wave of fire pulsing through his body and boiling through his blood, Horatio felt it too, on some primal level and he opened his eyes a crack.

He was greeted with the sight of small, curly black hairs at the nape of a slightly tanned neck. His lips were almost flush with the tender skin right on the top of the spine. The bone was hard underneath the skin. The skin was burning hot, almost feverish. Gingerly, Horatio drew his tongue along the skin, tasting the salt, sweat, and desire. The taste stirred something deep inside him, making him moan low in his throat. His penis hardened some more, pressing between Speed's thighs. With a low moan, Speedle pressed himself backward, his eyes rolling slightly in the back of his head. His body was on fire now. Horatio began to caress the younger man's biceps as he moaned low, trying to feel out what the younger man wanted. Speedle extricated himself from Horatio's grip, and squirmed around to face his boss. With a small smile, Speedle leaned forward, and kissed Horatio full on the lips…

"Earth to Speedle! Have you been listening to a word I have said?" The accented voice of Calleigh Duquesne sliced through Speedle's thoughts. Speedle shook his head, to get rid of his thoughts and looked at Calleigh. He stared at her and she stared back. Speedle could not stop thinking about the morning. Speedle could not stop thinking about his boss. Speedle… was having problems keeping his mind on his work. Right now, he was 100 positive that he could not even work near Horatio. His blood still simmered when he thought about him and a wave of heat coursed through his body at the slightest glance. Speedle shook his head once more and leveled his gaze at Calleigh. He held up his hands defensively while once again shaking his head.

"Sorry… I… wasn't paying attention." He said. Calleigh rolled her eyes heavenward and sighed. She then turned back towards Speedle, her clear eyes examining him like she could see through his body and straight into his soul. He was tempted to flinch but he couldn't help but be riveted to the spot by her eyes. She stared at him for several long minutes before she once again, shook her head. Speedle shrugged in a nonchalant manner… and then, Horatio walked in.

Guilt mingled with burning desire fell like a lead weight into Speedle's stomach. He knew, deep in his heart, that he had used Horatio. He wanted to take the man again—but his deep love for Eric prevented it from ever happening. He did not want to hurt Horatio—more importantly, he didn't want to hurt himself. He shook his head again and made his careful exit. He did not want to have to face Horatio yet, that would have to come after work… after everyone was gone.

° . °

Horatio finished filing his last case report and he placed it in a manila folder. He stretched his arms above his head and gave a yawn. It had been a long day and a long night the previous night. On top of case work and trying to talk like a normal person to his team… Speedle had been avoiding him. Horatio wondered why but he decided that the only way to find out was to confront him. He followed Speedle out of the building and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Tim?" Horatio ventured softly. Tim turned to face him, his dark eyes showing his emotions of guilt and longing. Horatio's eyebrows knitted together in confusion and he cocked his head to one side, trying to figure out what was going on… and what to say. Speedle stood there, willing himself to just turn away and leave, but he couldn't. He also didn't know how to tell Horatio what he was feeling. He wasn't sure how to tell Horatio that what they had wasn't… anything at all. Horatio was staring at him, concern deep within his eyes… and something else. Speedle couldn't bare to look at them anymore and he looked down at his feet. He stared at his feet for a couple of minutes, mentally going over what to say, trying to think out every possible avenue each conversation would take. Speedle finally looked back at Horatio. Speedle took a deep breath inward.

"Horatio… we… can't do this… I… don't… don't love you…" Speedle choked out, holding back his sobs. He didn't want Horatio to see him cry. Horatio's expression changed from concern and flashed anger before finally resting on pained. Speedle looked away again, not able to take the pain on Horatio's face. He knew that what he had done was wrong… and he felt bad… but he knew it was the truth. "I love Eric…" He blundered on, knowing that each word he said would drive an even deeper stake into Horatio's heart… he also knew that it would cause a pretty big rift. "I'm… I'm so… so… sorry…" He finished, turning away from Horatio. It was only then that he let his tears fall as he walked towards his car. He slid behind the steering wheel of his car and turned the key over in the ignition.

Tears blurred his vision as he backed out of the parking lot. He had to get out of there as fast as he could. He could still see the look on Horatio's face. The tears were streaming down his face, they blurred his vision as he sped down the street, as far away from the crime lab as he could get. He saw a red light, vaguely, and he stopped. He tried to drown out the hurt he was feeling… hurt because Eric didn't love him, guilt for hurting Horatio. Every time he tried to drift away from those thoughts, they came rushing back to the surface, making his face slick with a fresh wave of tears. As the light turned green, Speedle began to make his way towards his apartment. He didn't care anymore, it was the weekend and all he wanted to do was drown in his sorrows… and hopefully, he would be better by Monday.

He continued on towards his place of residence, not noticing the world around him. He didn't have time to register the fact that the light had turned red… and onward he drove, oblivious. He had just snapped out of his reverie when he felt the other car impact his side. His head hit the steering wheel… and then he was plunged into an icy cold darkness.