Disclaimer: I own nothing. CSI: Miami and CSI: Crime Scene
Investigation belong to whomever they belong to. The songs belong to Enigma and Micheal Cretu.

Synopsis: Angst fest. Tim loves Eric and Eric doesn't love him. It's Horatio to the rescue… sort of. (Timothy Speedle/Horatio Caine)

Archive: Long as you ask and make sure my e-mail address is with it... :)

Pairing: Horatio Caine/Timothy Speedle

Rating: R because of allusions to sexual content and very little
strong language. Rating will probably go up later due to sexual
content. (LOL)

Authors Notes: This was supposed to be a Eric Delko/Timothy Speedle
fic but for some reason it didn't work out. Then I was going to make
it Speed/Greg Sanders-- but my muse demanded that I write a
Horatio/Speed fic. So, here is the first part and I hope you enjoy.
(Be forewarned... it takes me a long time to post the chapters
afterwards... LOL. I'm bad about that...) Ah, and it is extremely
disjointed... it's supposed to be.

Chapter 6: Mirror of Your Soul

((Look into the mirror of your soul, love and hate are one in all. Sacrifice turns to revenge and believe me. You'll see the face of the one who will say; I love you… I'll kill you… but I'll love you forever. Loneliness, I feel the loneliness… in my room (bring him back, bring him back… bring him back… bring him back…)))

Horatio stopped his car in front of "The Flower Boutique", a small little flower shop about a block away from his house. Calleigh had called him some time earlier to let him know that Speedle was awake, he had just gotten the courage to go and visit him. With thousands of emotions swirling around in his head, he had decided that he should give Speed some flowers. He remembered it worked well for Raymond when he was in a tough spot with Yelina. So, he walked into the flower shop and bought a dozen roses. He then remembered something out of a book he had read, one that he knew Speedle loved, and ducked back into the shop. The woman looked at him and he grinned sheepishly.

"I'm sorry… but is it okay if you take these back?" Horatio asked, handing her the dozen red roses. "I was wondering if I could get a dozen white roses with a red one in the middle of the arrangement." Horatio said his voice quiet. The clerk nodded and charged him the extra money for getting white roses instead of red. Horatio didn't mind though and he walked out of the shop with a little spring in his step. He walked back to his car, set the flowers on the passenger seat, and made his way to the hospital. The ride over was uneventful and he saw Eric, Yelina, and Calleigh standing by Yelina's car in the parking garage. Horatio scooped up the roses and walked over to them.

"What's up?" Horatio asked, gesturing to their pow-wow around the car. Yelina just kind of smiled a slight smile.

"We want you to go on in first…" She said. "Calleigh was already there but Speedle was still mostly asleep when she was. We think he should wake up to you…" Yelina explained emphatically. Horatio just nodded his assent and walked towards the hospital. He went inside and rode the elevator up to the floor Speedle was on. He walked into the room to see Speedle sitting in the chair, reading the newspaper, and drinking something. Horatio walked in all the way and sat down in the other chair, across from Speedle.

"You having fun?" Horatio asked. Speedle looked up from his paper and gave him a smile. Horatio's breath caught in his throat as he realized how much Speedle's smile had come to mean to him. He hadn't seen it for a couple of days because he had been sleeping or in a coma—no one had really clarified that for him. He found out, though, that they had had Speedle drugged for most of the hospital stay.

"Not really… waiting for Calleigh to bring me some clothes." Speedle said a bright smile still on his face. "I wanna go home and try and find a new car. They said I could go home, but I thought I'd probably look like an escaped lunatic if I just waved for a taxi whilst in a hospital gown that's gonna bare my ass when I least expect it." Horatio laughed and Speedle joined in which made Horatio even happier. And even after Speedle's laughter had stopped, the smile which was lighting up his entire face hadn't left. Horatio then remembered the flowers. He proffered them to Speedle whose face stopped smiling and became slowly red with a blush. Horatio realized he got the meaning immediately as he watched him put the flowers to his chest, a gesture that Horatio found strangely feminine.

He leaned closer and gave Speedle a chaste kiss on the mouth. He pulled away, far enough so there lips were no longer touching, but close enough for him to feel Speedle's breath on his lips. Horatio noticed that Speedle was holding the flowers even closer to his chest and he closed his eyes slightly, took a deep breath in, and then opened his eyes—which were now shining with tears.

"Horatio…" Speedle started, bowing his head slightly. "… I've been half awake and half asleep for the better part of my stay here. All the while, even in my drug induced sleep, I was having an inner-dialogue with my sub-conscious mind. I know it sounds a little strange, but that's what I did. I've been trying to come to terms with what we did and the reasons why we did it. I know I told you outside the lab before my accident that I didn't love you… but…" Speedle stopped, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. A hint of his unshed tears was creeping into his voice. "… but I was lying. I do love you… I love you a lot."

"The thing was… my mind was trying to make me sublimate my love for you with the deep respect and friendship that I have with Eric. My sub-conscious was telling me that he was closer to my age and a bunch of other bullshit that makes people lie. But after thinking about it, completely free of a biased thought process and away from you two… I could finally see the truth about my feelings. I love you, but I was afraid of admitting it to you for fear of rejection… or worse… hatred."

"It isn't because I think that you're so shallow that you'd stop being my friend because I had a crush on you, but it's just the way it tends to be. People aren't comfortable around people when they admit to loving them. It's a little different in the case of Eric and I… because he knew already that I didn't truly love him… not like that anyways. But… ever since that night… when I was wallowing in my own self-pity and contemplating ending my life… when you came and saved me… I realized that I loved you a lot more un-platonically than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. So… I thought that I should let you know. I love you… a lot. More than anyone else in this world." Speedle stopped speaking, his eyes downcast as he waited for Horatio's response.

"I…. I love you too…" Horatio said, his voice slightly broken with raw emotion and tears. Speedle looked up at him, tears streaming down his face, and a bright smile on his face once again. Horatio reached to him, ready to kiss him when they heard the sound of a throat clearing behind them. It was Eric, flanked by Calleigh and Yelina.

"Hi guys!" Speedle said, waving with the hand not clutching the flowers. Joy exuded from the room and Horatio stepped back to allow Speedle some quality time with his friends. He figured that confession from Speedle was enough to tide him over for now. He knew that Speedle would be coming home with him tonight.

°.°

Speedle sat back in his chair, pushing his now cleared plate away from him. He took a sip of the dark red wine that Horatio had brought out with the dinner of spaghetti and garlic bread. He smiled appreciatively as he heard Horatio buzzing around in the kitchen. He came back out a couple of minutes later with two large pieces of chocolate cheesecake. Speedle grinned and shook his head slightly.

"You're gonna get me fat." Speedle said, grinning some more. Horatio just let out a half amused snort and dove into his own piece of cheesecake. Horatio stopped eating though, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. He looked at Speedle.

"I have to tell you something… it might make you mad… but I want to be honest with you and I have to let you know." Horatio said, staring straight into Speedle's darker eyes. "When you were in the hospital… Eric and I… had sex." Horatio said, feeling guilty even as he thought about it. He continued to look at Speedle who was having a hard time with it, obviously. Emotions crossed his face—none of them good as far as Horatio could tell. Speedle stood up, knocking his chair over backwards. Without a word, he stormed past Horatio and out of the house. As soon as Speedle was out the door he ran as far as he could away from Horatio's house. He then pulled out his cell phone to call a cab to take him to his own house.

He got back to his own house, which was lonely and desolate, and he collapsed on the couch, tears streaming down his face. He remembered then why he had been so reluctant to fall in love. He knew that it wasn't some strange inability to feel love, he just knew that it hurt too much… especially when something like this had happened.

Speedle knew he shouldn't be upset… because Horatio and Eric were probably just stressed at his coma-like state that was drug induced. But Speedle couldn't rationalize that with his heart which was breaking into pieces just thinking about it. He knew that he probably wouldn't be nearly as broken up… but Eric!

Eric was supposed to be his best friend and since Eric was Speedle's best friend, he knew about Speedle's attraction to Horatio. He began to sob, knowing that he needed to get out of this place. He grabbed the phone and called the travel agency and bought a one way ticket to Las Vegas.

He didn't care who was there or what he would do—he just knew that he had to get far away from Horatio, Eric, and the emotional train wreck which was becoming his life. With a slight whimper, Speedle packed a duffel bag of clothes, toiletries, and his other essentials before leaving his house, locking the door, and getting into the cab which would take him away from his life for a very long time… maybe forever.