A/N: This chapter is basically a pity-party, but I had to get it out of the way for the funnier bits to be remotely plausible. Don't worry, eventually all of those bathroom/sleeping/showering things will be addressed. I'm already about halfway through the next chapter, so it might even be out later today - I'm definitely doing this one as fast as I possibly can.
Previously...
"Follow me. And for God's sakes keep your hands to yourselves."
Ch 3: Testing Patients
Two hours later, SG-1 was grouped together in one of the curtained-off areas of the infirmary. They were all understandably uncomfortable and irritated.
Decontamination was far from fun even when you were alone, but when they all had to go through it together (some of them more 'together' than others, of course,) it was even less entertaining than they remembered. Jack and Sam had been right while speculating on the planet - the nurse in the HazMat suit had been unable to get their tee-shirts off, so after being power-washed, sprayed with various things, and sent through a dozen other procedures, (which, despite what Jack said, did not actually include being 'buffed to a nice sheen'), they were left with damp hair and damp tee-shirts, although they'd been wrestled into dry scrub pants.
Daniel and Teal'c had had their shirts cut off by a well-meaning person who had belatedly realized they couldn't get new shirts on around their joined hands, so they were both now bare-chested and more uncomfortable than ever. Nobody spoke much, until Dr. Fraiser finally re-joined them, pulling the curtain completely closed around her.
"Okay, guys. I think it goes without saying that this is a new one and we don't know what we're dealing with yet here. The sample is being analysed already, hopefully we'll be able to find something to dissolve the substance very quickly, but in the meantime, I think we should try to figure out what exactly we're dealing with here. Since you're already stuck to each other, we're going to have to take a few risks between you before we risk other people getting stuck to you as well. So, Daniel, as far as you know you didn't touch the substance anywhere else?"
"No… I tripped over a log covered with it, fell on my ass, and put my hand in it when I was trying to get up."
"So it's possible your legs or… backside came into contact with it as well?"
"Ummm… I guess," Daniel admitted reluctantly, looking at the rest of his team uncomfortably.
"Okay, I want you to touch yourself…"
Unable to resist, Jack let out an, "Ooh, Doc!" that earned him a sharp elbow in the ribs from his 2IC.
Janet didn't bother to respond. "And see if you… get stuck."
"Why do I have to be the guinea pig?" Daniel asked.
"Well… Teal'c most likely only came into contact with it on your hand, and Jack and Sam, well… there's not a lot of places left to try on them."
Sam reddened and Jack glared at Fraiser.
"Fine," Daniel said, bending awkwardly and quickly scanning the backs of his legs and his posterior. "Nothing," he said.
"Okay. It's possible, I suppose, that the skin has to be from two different people for the adhesive to… activate. Teal'c, I need you to do the same thing Daniel just did."
"Dr. Fraiser, are you certain this is necessary?" Teal'c asked quietly.
"I'm sorry, Teal'c, but we need to determine what it's safe for you to come into contact with."
"Uh, Doc, I think you're overestimating the amount of people who want to come into contact with Daniel's ass," Jack contributed. Sam looked like she privately agreed with him.
"Colonel, of all the people in this room, you should be on your very best behavior if you expect me to be sympathetic when I get round to you."
"Yes, ma'am," Jack said quickly, giving her a look of utmost repentance. When she turned her attention back to Daniel and Teal'c, Jack mumbled to his 2IC (which was a very easy thing to do as her ear was now so conveniently close to his mouth), "Maybe she's researching that area for her own personal interests."
Sam laughed despite herself, earning them suspicious looks and a scowl from Janet.
Teal'c mumbled something in Goa'uld and quickly ran his hand up Daniel's left leg, standing up straight again and giving Fraiser a look that dared her to try to make him touch Daniel's ass.
"O…kay, that'll do," Janet said. "Although it's possible you didn't come into contact with the substance anywhere besides your hand, however unlikely. So, Sam, you must have been pretty covered with it if you were hugging one of the trees that produces it…"
"Janet…" Sam warned.
"Stomach. Both of you," she ordered.
Glaring at the 'ha, your turn now pal' look he was getting from both Daniel and Teal'c, Jack finally resigned himself to the idea that this day really couldn't get much weirder, so he might as well go along with it.
After several different, but all embarrassing and awkward trials, Dr. Fraiser finally determined that none of them were in danger of being stuck to each other or to anyone else, and declared them safe to be on base and 'interact with your environment as usual.' Jack snorted at that and didn't bother to voice the comment that came to mind.
General Hammond joined them as Daniel and Teal'c made themselves comfortable sitting side by side on one of the gurneys. Jack looked at them with envy - his knees had been killing him before any of this started. He was sick of standing, but it had occurred to him at some point during the decontamination that any sitting would mean that Carter was sitting as well, and with the way they were stuck she'd have to be sitting in his lap.
While he was certain that they'd both have to sit down at some point, and that he'd inevitably enjoy it a lot more than he was supposed to, he'd really rather try to minimalize the potential awkwardness of this whole situation - and a good way to start doing that would probably be not to sit around with his 2IC in his lap while Hammond and Fraiser had a nice long chat about how to 'unstick' them.
Hammond surveyed them and Jack couldn't help but shift uncomfortably when the General's eyes spent an extra amount of time studying the arm that was stuck to Carter. Hammond finally sighed and said, "What do you have so far, Doctor?"
Fraiser, who had been wrapping her patients in blankets - one for Daniel, who was chilly without a shirt, and one for Jack and Sam, who were chilly in their wet shirts, gave Hammond an optimistic smile and said, "Well, sir, the good news is that they're not a danger to themselves or anyone else, as fast as I can determine. I don't know if it was the decontamination procedures or the nature of the substance itself, at this point, but the bottom line is…"
"We're still stuck, sir, but we're no longer… sticky," Jack finished.
"Basically, yes sir," Janet said, nodding.
"All right… where do we go from here?" Hammond asked, looking suddenly tired.
"Well, one of the nurses has a hair dryer in her locker so I thought we'd get Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill a bit dryer if we can, and we're working on some sort of side-tying scrub shirts for Teal'c and Daniel… after that, they'll pretty much be about as comfortable as I can make them, sir. I'm going to get the clothes we were able to remove into the lab for analysis as well, and we'll begin trying to find out what this substance is made of and what it will take to break it apart."
vvvvvvvvvvv
Three hours later, the collective frustration level of SG-1 had reached unprecedented levels. While Fraiser ran test after test, now heading a large group of doctors and scientists, Dr. Lee tested common solvents on them, one after another, all unsuccessfully.
"I think they've had enough for today," Fraiser finally said when she stopped by to check their progress, or lack thereof.
"Thank you," Jack said, the frustration in his voice obvious.
Janet looked at him closely and noticed that he and Sam were still standing. She wondered if they'd been standing all day, and figured, based on how exhausted they both looked, that they had been. If that was the case, the Colonel's knees had to be killing him, and both their backs probably weren't in much better shape.
"We could try some harsher sol…" Dr. Lee started.
Fraiser shook her head firmly. The man was a scientist (a good one, perhaps) but not a doctor. Like Sam, he was more concerned with fixing the problem than making sure his test subjects weren't exhausting themselves.
"All four of you are spending the night in the VIP quarters, they're bringing an extra bed in there right now - and I'm going to bring you whatever you'd like for dinner so you don't have to go to the commissary in your… condition."
They all chorused their thanks.
"Guys… I know this must be frustrating beyond belief for all of you, but please, just try to relax and stay as comfortable as possible. I promise you we are all working as hard as we can on this. General Hammond's already sent a message to Thor and to the Tok'ra, in case they know something we don't…"
"Oh great, that's just what I need right now, a visit from Dad," O'Neill said sarcastically.
Janet gave them both a sympathetic look and said, "It could be much worse, you know. And we're working on it."
Sam started speaking very quickly. "Janet, I should be working on this - actually working, not just standing here letting Dr. Lee squirt various chemicals on me. Daniel and Teal'c can be the testers and I can…"
"Sam," Janet interrupted. "First of all, I agree with Dr. Lee's assessment that everything should be tested on both of you. It's possible that due to the layer of clothing between you two, there might be different results. Tomorrow you can start working on it - I know you'll go insane if I don't let you anyway. Tonight, you need to sit down and rest. That goes for all of you. And it's an order."
Janet crossed her arms and gave them all her firmest 'I'm in charge here,' look until they all bowed their heads slightly and nodded their acquiescence.
vvvvvvvvvvvvv
"Sir, come on!" Carter objected wearily.
"I'm sorry," her CO apologized, peeling a cheesy pepperoni off of her shoulder. "I can't eat very well with my left hand, I thought pizza would be easy…"
"Daniel Jackson, pass me another breadstick," Teal'c requested.
They were in the VIP quarters, all sitting at the small table, not taking up very much room since Teal'c and Daniel had to remain close, and Sam and Jack had finally admitted defeat and were sitting down. Everyone knew Jack's knees were killing him, but none of them mentioned it.
They were all so exhausted by their day that there was little talking while they all ate rather clumsily. Jack had taken Fraiser's offer to bring them whatever they wanted literally, and she had been forced to leave the base to go to his favorite pizza place. Now, he was making his way through an extra-large thick crust with everything. Sam was eating pasta, Daniel wanted a meatball sub, and Teal'c wanted what everyone else was having. Only Teal'c seemed largely unaffected by his 'condition,' plodding through his meal as steadily and methodically as ever, as though he and Daniel usually held hands while they ate.
Sam had to admit, she was really impressed with how Daniel and Teal'c were handling their situation. They were undoubtedly perturbed, as there had been many snickers and whispers already, despite Janet's efforts to keep them largely off-limits to the rest of the base, but they were both being so patient. Sam wondered if it was Teal'c's influence on Daniel over the years, or another lasting effect of Daniel spending a year as an ascended being. Maybe it was some of both, because Jack and Sam had been around Teal'c just as long as Daniel had and were having a much more difficult time. Then again, Sam highly doubted there was any unresolved sexual tension between Daniel and Teal'c, and even if there was, they were only joined at the hand. Sam was so uncomfortable with her own situation that she was really considering taking Janet up on her offer of something to help her sleep later.
She rolled her eyes when she felt something else land on her, but her CO was already apologizing for the latest spill as he leaned forward, set his pizza slice down on the edge of the table, grabbed a napkin, and wiped pizza sauce off of her neck.
"There's a mushroom in her hair," Daniel said helpfully when Jack tossed the napkin back to the table.
"Major Carter?" Teal'c asked as he finished his second submarine sandwich and Jack carefully plucked the offensive mushroom from his 2IC's hair.
"What?"
"Do you remember your advice to the young duplicate O'Neill?"
Sam thought for a moment and then remembered advising him (they had thought it was really their Colonel at the time) to try enjoying his embarrassing situation as much as they were. Since that O'Neill had turned out to be a clone, only Teal'c knew about that conversation. She smiled at him gratefully and said, "Maybe tomorrow, Teal'c. Hopefully."
Janet came back once more after they finished eating. "Tucking us in, Mom?" O'Neill asked sarcastically.
"Yes. Go brush your teeth and then come take your medicine," Janet said as though she were speaking to a three-year old.
When he didn't object to the very strong pain pills Janet was practically forcing down his throat, Sam knew he felt even worse than he was letting on and felt guilty about it - she wasn't exactly making the situation any easier on either of them. Maybe Teal'c was right…
"Sam? You okay?" Daniel asked as he got into the extra bed that had been set up in the VIP quarters.
"Yeah… just… having a very Scarlett O'Hara moment," she muttered.
Janet made her take a pill and patted her arm sympathetically. "Tomorrow is another day, Sam." Sam knew Janet meant it to be encouraging and optimistic, but it came out sounding more like an ominous threat than anything else.
She allowed herself a few moments to think about how bizarre their lives were as she got into bed with her CO, across from the rest of their team. Since Teal'c didn't sleep very much, even after losing Junior, the situation was even weirder than it would have been otherwise - he was sitting on the floor next to the bed, his arm awkwardly over his head on the mattress next to Daniel. He attempted to meditate, candles lit around him, trying valiantly to ignore the fact that he was stuck holding hands with Daniel.
Despite being exhausted, and drugged, Sam couldn't sleep. She also couldn't move, because the pill Janet had made the Colonel take had knocked him out almost immediately, and she was now trapped on her side by the dead weight of her snoring CO. She had nothing to do but watch Teal'c and Daniel and pretend that she was not in the most uncomfortable situation of her life. Daniel was not a still sleeper, and he kept disrupting Teal'c's meditation attempts by rolling towards the center of the bed.
Sam was finally almost asleep when Daniel suddenly sat up looking terrified, screaming what she was fairly certain was a nasty Russian swear word. Everyone woke up except for the O'Neill-shaped lump attached to her back. "Sorry," Daniel apologized sheepishly to all of them. "I had a dream the base was on fire…"
Clearly Daniel wasn't comfortable sleeping while surrounded by lit candles.
Teal'c extinguished them all reluctantly and lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling with his eyes open.
"Major Carter," he finally admitted after they both lay awake for nearly another hour. "I too am feeling like Scarlett O'Hara."
Sam had to suppress a laugh at the image of Teal'c dressed as a southern belle... and since they were holding hands, Daniel grew a greasy mustache and donned a smoking jacket... she dozed off hoping images of Daniel and Teal'c, dressed as Scarlett and Rhett, wouldn't completely fill her dreams. Then again, sustaining permanent psychological damage from the thought of Teal'c in a corset was probably still preferable to letting her mind wander to the fact that the man she'd been trying not to touch since she'd met him was now stuck to her, snoring into her neck.