A/N: Random personal story: Has anybody else out there been able to see a kicking baby? Well, I'm not sure if it's one or both of them, but my tummy often has little toes and what-not poking out while somebody in there kicks away. Anyway, tonight I set the remote on myself and one of the little buggers actually knocked it right off!

Anyway... two chapters in one day - I haven't managed this in a long time! Quick reminder: this is rated 'T,' although I still consider it a pretty clean 'T,' especially under the circumstances. Thanks to everyone who's responding so quickly and enthusiastically to this - it's always nice to know I'm not the only one who finds this funny.

melpomene-muse of tragedy: Thank you so much!

Ch 4: Good Morning, Campers

Jack woke up confused. It wasn't unprecedented - he often woke up confused. He knew he had gone to bed with the aid of Dr. Fraiser's lovely medication, based on the fact that all the pain from yesterday was gone and he actually felt pretty damn good.

Too good actually. As his head cleared a bit more, he remembered why he was in bed, on base with his 2IC, and why he was plastered to her. He hadn't really had much to worry about yesterday - he'd been so exhausted and annoyed with the situation and all of Dr. Lee's damn tests, then the Doc had drugged him... but after a good night's sleep he had a big problem, one that probably couldn't be laughed off with a side-arm joke this time.

He really hoped Carter was still asleep, although he realized it probably didn't matter - the situation was bound to come up as long as they had to be stuck like this. He rolled his eyes as he realized the double meaning behind a lot of his thoughts. The simple truth was that he was completely aroused and there was only a limited amount of space he could put between the cause and effect of his arousal.

Teal'c and Daniel! Jack had never been happier to see them in his life. They came in from the small bathroom attached to the VIP room and he decided it was high time he thought about the two of them in there together, holding hands, doing bathroom things... yes, much better. Although now he was a little bit nauseous.

"Morning, Jack. Feeling better?" Daniel asked.

"You have no idea," Jack said sincerely. "And thank you. Both of you."

"Umm... okay, yeah. Well, Teal'c and I are going to go get coffee and breakfast now - it's still early so the commissary shouldn't be too crowded... do you want us to bring you guys something?"

"Yeah that would be good. Thanks."

"Sure."

"Would you like anything specific, O'Neill?"

"Umm... no, I don't care. Whatever looks remotely edible." He realized his definition of 'remotely edible' was different than Teal'c's and added, "To Daniel."

"We will return shortly," Teal'c promised. They left. Jack couldn't help but watch them as they went - it was just bizarre to see Teal'c holding anyone's hand, let alone Daniel's.

"Hey, um, Carter... wake up," he said once they were alone.

She was completely zonked. Jack wondered how long it had taken her to fall asleep. He should have asked Teal'c. He felt bad waking her but he really, really had to pee. Recalling their trip to the toilet the night before, all the lovely and inappropriate things he'd been thinking about when he woke up evaporated: some things just weren't sexy at all.

"Carter..." He squeezed her shoulder and gave her a little shake.

She mumbled, "Get the C4 away from the Jell-o" and nuzzled into the pillow.

He had to laugh, wondering what in the name of crap she could possibly be dreaming about. "Carter... wakey wakey. Daniel's teaching Teal'c how to skateboard in your lab."

"Duzzee have a helmet on?" she asked, lifting her head drowsily. He couldn't see her face, but he imagined she was blinking in confusion, probably wondering why they were in bed together. "Wait... Daniel can't skateboard," she said after a few moments.

He chuckled and said, "Hey, I couldn't think of anything better. You're hard to wake up when we're not on another planet."

"Sorry... what time is it?" She started to sit up so he had to go with her.

He held up his watch, but since his other hand was stuck to her he couldn't lift the velcro part to read it himself. She did it for him and groaned. "Seven?"

"Yeah. Danny and T are bringing breakfast. And knowing Daniel, lots of coffee. They just left. But while they're gone I wanted to er..." He shifted awkwardly behind her.

"Pee?" she guessed.

"No. Well, yes, but... first I um... I kind of need to be looking at you when I say this, okay?" He figured now was as good a time as any to get this humiliating conversation out of the way: he really did need to pee so he'd be forced to do it quickly. Like ripping off a band-aid.

"That's kind of tricky at the moment," she finally said, clearly trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him today.

He got to his feet, so of course she had to do the same, and he shuffled them over to the dresser and mirror. "There. Um, morning," he said when he was looking her in the face through the mirror.

"Morning," she said carefully. It looked like she was trying to decide if it was possible that one of the side effects of the alien glue stuff was complete insanity.

"Look... I don't know how long we're gonna be stuck like this," Jack started, now wishing he couldn't see how worried and slightly scared she looked. "Er... okay, the thing is... I mean I wish we didn't have to talk about this because it's kind of tied into a lot of the stuff we don't ever talk about because we're not allowed to and all... but okay. I think we kind of have to now."

"O...kay."

He tried willing her to understand what he was talking about. Apparently neither one of them was psychic.

"Look, you're hot okay," he blurted out suddenly.

Her eyes widened in surprise.

"I mean, I think we can both just acknowledge that you're like the hottest woman I know, and, we're stuck like this, and... well, you know, even if there wasn't... not to say that there isn't, but... okay that's not the point. Look, you're going to be sitting on my lap and everything for who knows how long and I'm sorry but sometimes I probably won't be able to er... I mean you'll be able to tell... it'll be pretty obvious that I like having you there. Okay."

She looked over his shoulder vaguely, in the mirror, for several moments, then furrowed her brow and cleared her throat as she finally understood what he was trying to say. "Umm, well..."

He could tell she got it when she turned a delicate shade of pink. "I'm sorry."

"It's... I mean there's nothing to be sorry about, it's not like this is your fault or anything... look. I was thinking about this a lot last night after you and Daniel started your snoring contest..."

"Was it that bad?"

"Yes," she said simply.

"Oh."

"Anyway. Umm. This is embarrassing. And awkward... and a lot of other things too. You were right to... I mean it's probably good that we tried to, you know, talk about this."

"I thought it was a pretty bad attempt."

"Well, yes, maybe," she agreed, smiling a little. "But this is, once again, an unfair situation, forcing stuff out of us that we're forced not to... I mean it's really not that different from the zay'tarc incident when you think about it. Anyway. What I'm trying to say is... I think the only way we're going to get through this whole thing and remain relatively sane is if we... well, me, mostly, I guess... just try to relax a little. So, okay, we've acknowledged that it's awkward, but it's awkward for both of us, and I hadn't thought about it yesterday but it's probably even more uncomfortable for you now that you've brought it up..." She winced at her badly-chosen phrasing, but he didn't mention it.

"That's an understatement."

"Sir."

"Sorry."

"Look. We have to just try to be... sort of comfortable about... everything. As much as we can anyway. And just keep it between us as much as possible." She stopped talking and rolled her eyes; he could see her cheeks turn pinker in the mirror.

"I didn't mean it like that," she said, embarrassed.

"I know. You're right. It's a hard situation..." Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. "I didn't do that on purpose," he insisted.

"I know. We just can't make this into a big thing or..." she started.

"It's nothing we can't handle…" he said at the same time.

Group eye-roll, all together now.

They caught each other's eyes in the mirror and suddenly burst into laughter.

"Good," Jack finally said when they were done laughing. "Well, okay then, glad we had this little talk. And now I'd really like to get all of our bathroom-related business taken care of before Daniel and Teal'c get back."

"Me too."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Daniel couldn't help but get embarrassed at some of the looks he was getting. Everybody on base knew that Teal'c could still kick their ass, even with one hand, so Daniel was the one receiving all the snickers and amused looks for both of them. The Marines were the worst. He and Teal'c sat down at an out-of-the-way table in the commissary, across from each other, each with their own trays, their joint hands stretching over the table top, resting next to the syrup. Teal'c's back was to SG-3's table, but his presence didn't stop the Marines from making kissing faces at Daniel.

He sulked into his waffles for a few minutes before whining, "Teal'c, can we go back to our room now?"

Then he winced as he realized the Marines overheard that. They looked scandalized for a few moments and one of them stage-whispered, "Guys, come on. What they do on their own time..."

"We cannot carry trays for Major Carter, O'Neill, and ourselves at the same time, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c pointed out. "You must ignore the immaturity of the Marines. Only then will they leave you alone."

Daniel nodded and polished off his second cup of coffee. "Did Master Bray'tac teach you that?" he asked.

"Nick-at-Nite," Teal'c replied.

"Of course," Daniel muttered.

He tried to take Teal'c's advice, but found it much easier to inhale his breakfast as quickly as possible instead and imagine some of the more creative ancient Egyptian tortures being exacted on the Marines.

On their way back to the VIP quarters, each of them balancing a tray in one hand for their team members, Daniel said, "At least we're not Jack and Sam, right? I mean, I can't imagine being stuck that closely to someone I wasn't supposed to be in lo..."

Teal'c squeezed Daniel's hand suddenly, so hard Daniel almost dropped the tray he was carrying. "Teal'c! What the hell did you do that for..."

They rounded the corner and nearly collided with General Hammond and Sergeant Harriman. "Oh, General, sir, sorry, good morning, I didn't hear you coming," Daniel spluttered, nearly dropping his tray for a second time.

"Dr. Jackson... how are you holding up?"

Realizing Teal'c had heard someone approaching (Teal'c probably even knew who it was as well) and had been trying to keep Daniel from saying something really stupid, Daniel continued stammering, "Oh you know, fine, I'm fine, we're... fine..."

Hammond gave him a 'concerned father' look and asked kindly, "How much coffee have you had this morning, Doctor?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Jack! Sam! Let us in!" Daniel called through the door.

"You want to get it or should I?" Carter asked lightly as they both went to the door.

"Very funny," Jack said, pulling the door open to let them in.

It was clear why they'd needed help - both carried heavily laden trays. Sam immediately took Daniel's from him and the four of them made their way to the little table where they'd eaten their dinner.

"You boys already eat?" Jack asked as he noticed that most of the items on the trays were clearly for them - although they seemed to have forgotten that they'd need to put their food on the same tray so they could both reach it. There were a lot of things neither officer ate though, and Jack correctly guessed that Teal'c had been rushed through his breakfast because Daniel was uncomfortable.

"Indeed. Although the presence of SG-3 made it a most unpleasant experience," Teal'c said.

They all moved a few items around on the trays and finally resumed their seats from the night before. Carter was eyeing the oatmeal on their tray hesitantly after they all got settled.

"What?" Jack asked as he clumsily dug his spoon into it with his left hand.

"Nothing... just try to keep it out of my hair. Sir."

Daniel muttered something to Teal'c about Jack needing to be fed.

"Carter, I'm not going to get it in your hair... whoops!" He pretended to drop the spoon on her and then kept waving it dangerously close to her. Normally she would have dodged out of the way, but she had limited dodging capabilities in their current positions.

She finally resorted to picking up the bowl and holding it out of his reach, like a hostage. They were both trying not to laugh as Jack gave her 'direct orders' to let the oatmeal go and 'they could all walk away from this unharmed.'

With a sudden extremely playful glint in her eyes, she said, "I might be entitled to a little revenge after you spilled pizza all over me last night... you know oatmeal is supposed to be good for the skin but I wonder what it would do for your hair..."

She started acting like she was going to dump the whole bowl of it onto his head, and he tried to block her arms with his one free arm, also trying not to drop the spoon in his hand. Daniel and Teal'c were just watching them, pleasantly surprised that they had decided to get over the weirdness of the situation and just go with it. It would make all their lives so much easier... Daniel wondered how they'd worked it out.

The oatmeal battle was put on hold when there was a sharp knock on the door followed immediately by Hammond and Fraiser entering. Jack and Sam quickly got to their feet for their CO, which just looked absurd given the fact that they were stuck together. Plus Jack was still holding a ridiculously over-heaped spoonful of oatmeal in his only free hand and they had not been quick enough for Hammond not to see that Major Carter had been about to dump an entire bowl of oatmeal on her CO's head.

"As you were, people," Hammond said, choosing to ignore commenting on how he'd found them because he quite frankly didn't know what to say about it. "And let's just make that a standing order until we get you two... separated. Dr. Fraiser wants to check you over and make sure there aren't any complications of any sort developing, and then we'll discuss our options for today. Major, Colonel, you can sit down now."

"Yes, sir," they both mumbled, obediently sitting down. It was beyond weird, Jack thought, having your CO order you to sit down with your 2IC in your lap.

"Jack and Sam haven't gotten to eat breakfast yet though, and I was going to go back for some more coffee..." Daniel started hesitantly.

"I'll have someone set up a pot in here for you, Daniel," Fraiser said, knowing the archaeologist's addiction rivaled her own.

"Thank you," he said gratefully.

"Well, I assumed based on the fact that Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill were playing with their food that they had eaten already, but apparently I was mistaken," Hammond said. He gave himself a mental high-five when they both looked sheepish, and decided to have a little fun of his own. He sat down across from them and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and giving them a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile. "By all means, take your time."

"Sir, you don't need to..." Carter started hesitantly.

"No, no, I haven't had breakfast yet myself, usually skip it, you know... Dr. Fraiser, why don't you send the Airman outside the door to the commissary for another tray for each of us, and see about that coffee. We'll just all have breakfast together."

"Yes, sir," Fraiser said obediently, scurrying away to take care of it.

Jack wondered if you could be court-martialed just for shooting your CO a nasty look, and decided he'd better not risk it.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv