AG (Author's Gabble): Deep red blush. I do not deserve the kindness I'd gotten! My thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Your thoughts and comments mean a lot to me. Seriously! What would a story be without the feedback?

Many thanks also, to Dubenko Junkie for pointing out that Intern/Resident thing… sorry, my mistake! Thanks for picking that up, I've gone and fixed it. Like I said, I am not a Doctor, and I am not American… so there are bound to be mistakes in my writing.

I really love it, when you review, if you tell me these things… also, when you tell me specifically what you loved or hated, or anything that struck you… hint hint, wink wink. I am still learning, after all!

AD (Author's Disclaimer): Everything to do with ER I disclaim. It would be nice if things were otherwise. Then perhaps there would have been an episode in between Abby's kidnapping and the next one. But hey, all I can do is dream, and write.


Chapter 3 – Friends, Foes, Fears

"Her temperature is only slightly above normal, but the swab indicates that strep throat is out of the picture for now, so I'd say it's just a bad case of flu. What I suggest, Mr Thomas, is that you take Emily home for some rest. Come back if she starts vomiting, or develops any belly pains or rashes."

"So we won't need antibiotics?"

Neela smiled her lovely smile.

"No, not for now."

"Thankyou, thankyou very much. Emily? Can you say thankyou to the Doctor?"

"Fankyou, Doctor."

"That's ok, Emily."

Neela watched with satisfaction as the Father scooped up his small daughter. Another case solved, another patient happy. It was the methodical way she worked – she liked to get things done, and get them done well. She hated multi-charting. It was hard enough to work through an armload of patients systematically, let alone thoroughly. With the amount of patients she was expected to discharge per shift, she often wondered if each of them were getting the best possible treatment. She wondered more so about Ray's treat em and street em ethics… how could he even feel like he was doing a thorough job?

Neela also wondered if any other Doctors felt uncomfortable going backwards and forwards constantly between each patient… she found it especially hard to remember their names. Especially when she often remembered a person by the injury or disease that they were carrying as opposed to their name.

She'd found that it wasn't generally the best way to get on a patient's good side.

With a slight sigh, Neela flipped back the page to another chart.

"Emily Thomas has been discharged?"

Neela glanced up.

"Yes, Doctor Kovac," she replied to the tall, dark Croatian looming over her. "It wasn't strep for now, but I advised rest and told them to come back if any more symptoms occurred."

"Good." Luka nodded his approval. "And the damaged wrist in four?"

"I sent them up for an x-ray, just to be sure. Mother and brother are waiting in the family room."

"Good, good."

Luka stared hesitantly down at her. He wavered perhaps a bit longer than he should have, which only served to make Neela feel uncomfortable. Her large, dark eyes darted nervously about.

"I, uh, ordered an RF for the teenage girl in exam three. Swelling, joint pain, dry and itchy nose and eyes… the history seemed to fit."

"Ok, that's great."

Neela nodded, and furrowed her brow. Still Luka didn't move.

"If it's negative, I think, uh, we may need to order another one," she tried again.

Luka nodded, and stayed put. He made as if he was about to speak… it seemed to Neela like he was hesitant to ask her something.

"Doctor Kovac?" She questioned, eyebrows raised.

"Have you been to see how Abby's doing?" He finally asked.

"Well… no, I – I haven't yet…" Neela stuttered, suddenly caught off guard. Dammit, she shouldn't have let a question like that catch her off guard… did that mean she'd forgotten so soon? His question reminded her… how was Abby doing?

The last she'd seen of her, Neela had been standing by the desk. That's it. If she remembered correctly, she'd actually been laughing… something stupid that Doctor Carter had quipped off-handedly before quickly scooting off to deal with a patient. What had it been? He'd seemed a lot more light hearted lately, perhaps thanks to the help of a certain social worker. It had been some sort of awful joke about the ER becoming a barber-shop, and it had made her snort unceremoniously. She remembered that clearly. It had only set everyone else off laughing, making it even worse.

It had caught her completely by surprise when Luka had burst through the doors, carrying an insanely large, shivering bundle. All around her, the laughing had died down.

"Oh my…" someone started, trailing off into oblivion.

Neela stopped, mid laugh, and did a double take – the thing in Luka's arms wasn't a shivering bundle, it was in fact a shivering Abby. She then looked insanely small, and fragile.

"What the?" She'd heard herself blurt out stupidly. She'd felt her coffee slip from her fingers, and heard it spill all over the floor at admit. She'd half expected Frank to bellow at her, but there wasn't so much to be heard as the crying of a small child somewhere in the background.

Before her mind could register what she was doing, she'd felt herself jogging along to catch up with Luka. She's found herself saying,

"What happened, Doctor Kovac? What can I do to help?"

"I don't know – Susan, can you get a bed in exam two? – I'm sorry, Neela, I don't know."

"But I can help-"

"Not now, Neela."

And she'd stopped in her tracks, staring stupidly at the door as it swung closed in her face.

Inside, she could vaguely make out Luka lying Abby down on the bed. She could see Susan hovering nearby in the background.

Then she'd heard a throaty yell, in a voice that was unmistakably Abby's.

"PLEASE NO!"

Neela's eyes widened. In all her months of sleeping on Abby's couch, she'd never once heard her yell in fear, or in anger. For all the respect she held for Abby, Neela was suddenly very frightened…

"Neela?"

Neela swiftly snapped out of her daydream.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor Kovac? Um, do you know how she is?"

"No, I was hoping you had some idea. Have you been to see her at all?"

"No, I haven't."

"Listen, Neela…" Luka started, spreading his palm as if in a peace offering, "I… I'm sorry for blowing you off earlier. It just wasn't a good time. I had as little idea of what was happening as you did, and I shouldn't have…"

"That's ok. It's fine." Neela interrupted breathlessly. "You don't need to apologise."

"No, I should, and I'm sorry. And I think you should go and see Abby."

Neela turned her face away as a warm blush rose in her cheeks. Truth be told, she felt guilty. Not just guilty because she called herself Abby's friend, and yet she hadn't even tried to find out about her health, but also because she'd partly forgotten, and gone systematically on with her work. Was there a friend that needed her? She'd never been good with the instinctive, emotional side of things. She didn't have that 'special touch'. When it came down to it, she didn't even know what had gone on with Abby. How could she comfort a friend when she didn't even know what was wrong?

Could she tell Luka the reasons why she hadn't been? Could she tell him that she was scared? Did he already sense it?

"Oh, ok."

Luka offered a warm smile. Yes, he most definitely sensed it. No doubt about it. He was trying to encourage her, to make her feel like she was needed. If only she wasn't afraid.

Luka turned around to leave.

Dammit, Neela, you're a Doctor. You can do this. All of this. Pull yourself together.

"I… I might just go and check on that girl, with the RF," Neela called after him, willing him to turn back around.

Luka glanced at her over his shoulder.

"Ok."

"Ok…"

"Neela?"

"Yes, Doctor Kovac?"

"If the first RF comes back negative, do another one."

"Alright."

"Alright."

"And, uh, Doctor Kovac?"

"Yes?"

"I…I might go and see Abby, perhaps after that?"

"Good."

"Ok."

Luka smiled, and turned to walk down the hallway.

---

Abby smoothed her hair quietly. It was ruffled and tangled, and she would have given anything to just brush it all out. Perhaps not as much as she would have given to turn the lights back off, but still. She could wish. She didn't have anything better to do.

She contemplated getting off the bed and embarking upon a perilous expedition entitled: Operation Lights Off. Well, she knew Mrs Arbett certainly wouldn't be getting up anytime soon… it was almost laughable how much it suddenly seemed like such a brave feat to get up and walk around. She didn't dare, though. She didn't know who was watching her. Abby had the eerie feeling that eyes were upon her, somewhere, even though she couldn't see them.

An image of cold, dark eyes flashed in her mind. Abby shivered.

She knew that at least he had seen her, already.

In her own mind, he seemed to have taken on the role of he. He existed as a person who'd once loved her, a person whom she had once loved and still cared for, yet sometimes, wasn't sure how to name. Carter felt far too informal, far too like the old days. Those days were gone, now, wether she liked it or not. And John felt too intimate. It reminded her of things that were still too close for comfort. Memories, feelings that she didn't completely trust herself with yet. Those days were over, too… so what did that leave her with? Was his name stuck somewhere in limbo land? Was she?

Abby shut her eyes and drew a slow breath. Questions flooded her mind. How could one night change so quickly? Why did there have to be another patient in the room? Why couldn't County General have designed the place so that each patient had their own individual room? Yeah, that would be the life. Why was it, that one hour into a shift she could yawn endlessly, and yet when she'd been blindingly awake for one terrible night she couldn't seem to get the sleep her body was craving?

Then again, what your body craved wasn't always the same as what your mind did.

Why did she want no one to touch her, to speak to her or even come near her, yet at the same time she craved a shoulder to cry on, and a pair of warm, loving arms?

Abby hugged her arms closer around herself. She didn't feel cold, and yet she was. She was cold for something else, something that wasn't physical. Cold for closeness, for dependence, for someone to tell her she was going to be fine. Cold for that warmth an extra coat wasn't going to give her… yet at the same time, desperately hopeful that whatever person could give it to her would suddenly forget about it and move on with their lives, as soon as they'd connected with her.

Things that lasted were always the hardest to bear. You never knew what was going happen next. And you couldn't ignore them.

Abby sighed and rubbed the cold skin on the backs of her hands. Loneliness was her heaven, and her hell.

Would she ever learn to live with other people? Or herself?

Behind her, the door suddenly opened and closed. Abby listened quietly as voices from the outside world became loud and clear for a moment, before fading back into anonymity.

Footsteps sounded across the hard linoleum. Was he back again? Abby held her breath. She couldn't deal with this, not now, not here. The footsteps came closer. Someone grabbed a stool, and wheeled it across the floor. The noise grated in her ears, but Abby forced her eyes shut, pretending to be asleep.

"Hey, Abby, it's me."

Abby opened her eyes.

"Susan," she croaked, and half-recoiled from herself. Was that voice hers?

"Yeah," Susan smiled and folded her arms, leaning forward till they rested on her knees. "Me."

Abby looked at Susan, sitting there expectantly. She supposed she had to do something. Gingerly, she sat herself up and crossed her legs, feeling Susan's eyes on her all the time. It was uncomfortable, but at the same time, not so lonely anymore.

Susan sported a friendly smile, but it was awhile before either of them spoke. Abby stared downwards at the hands that rested limply in her lap. Susan continued her silence, and Abby guessed that she was waiting, waiting for her to speak first. She opened her mouth, racking her brain for something useful to say. Anything, at all, to break that uncomfortable silence. Nothing remotely useful appeared.

So instead, she asked a question that had been plaguing her since she woke up.

"How did I get in?"

"Luka carried you."

"Oh."

Silence again.

"And the gown…"

"That was me."

"Oh."

Abby glanced at her gown, around at the room, then back at Susan, who still stared expectantly at her. Abby had no idea what else to say, she didn't know how to begin. Most of all, she was afraid of what would happen when she did begin. Afraid of how she was going to stop. She didn't know if she could handle it. Or if Susan could.

Most things considered, she decided to take the path of ignorance… that one was usually fairly safe. Raising her brows innocently, she looked up at Susan.

"You know, there's really nothing to talk about."

Susan exhaled, visibly. It was as if she'd prepared for that very answer.

"Yes there is, Abby, or you wouldn't be back here."

"What are talking about?" Abby shrugged and half-smiled.

"If there really was nothing to talk about, you would have gone straight home."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Yes, you would."

"No, I… I… I was just…" Abby retorted with an edge in her voice, searching unsuccessfully for an excuse. Any excuse…

"You were just what? You just happened to be standing outside, waiting?"

"I wasn't waiting, I just… I wasn't feeling so good for a moment, that's all. Susan, it's nothing."

"Oh, and it just so happened," Susan sat upright and spread her palms for emphasis, "That you chose to be in our ambulance bay?"

"I didn't choose to be in our ambulance bay, Susan, I-"

"Ohhh, so you just picked one at random and sat there waiting for someone to find you-"

"No, I did not, and I said before, I wasn't waiting, I-"

"What the hell were you doing here, then?"

"THAT'S WHERE THEY LEFT ME!" Abby suddenly exploded with a passion.

Susan stared, eyes wide.

"What do you mean they?"

Abby suddenly baulked, breathing rapidly and shrinking backwards.

Leaning forwards Susan placed a hesitant hand over Abby's.

"Abby, I'm sorry, I-"

"Please, no, I said I wouldn't say anything." Abby mumbled and snapped her hand back, staring intently at the floor.

The phrase sounded like something a stubborn five year old might have said, but Susan heard the tremor in her voice, no mistake. Why? She thought, why is she so stubborn? If I were her… I'd want to scream. But you're not her, Susan Lewis, so keep your cool, for goodness sake. Maybe, just maybe this is her way of screaming.

She took a deep breath.

"What do you mean you promised?"

Abby met Susan's eyes. If she hadn't felt so tired, she probably would have tried to be defiant. But she didn't have the energy left to.

What began as a bold stare gradually melted into a silent pleading.

"Please…" she whispered, desperately.

Susan was shocked to see tears glistening, but even more shocked to see fear in the eyes of her friend. Was this the same Abby who'd stalked out on her boss hours ago? The Abby who'd happily mouth off at a person if they pissed her off, who was never frightened to tell them exactly why she was pissed off, and was willing to say just what was on her mind? She'd never viewed Abby as a fearful person.

To look into soft brown eyes of a person whom you trusted, cared for and respected, and to see those eyes wide with fear and pleading, was disconcerting.

Susan glanced over Abby's shoulder. Across in the next bed, Mrs Arbett was gaping across at the action, somewhat aghast.

Without another word, Susan gave Abby's arm a hesitant pat. Then she hopped up and poked her head out the doorway.

"Haleh? Could you come and park Mrs Arbett in the hallway, and tell Doctor Carter she's ready to be seen?"

The nurse paused, then nodded her head.

"Am I bein' moved?" Mrs Arbett asked, as Haleh strode into the room and instantly clicked up her rails, wheeling the bed towards the doorway without so much as an explanation.

"Yes, you are, dear. Doctor Carter will be seeing you in the hallway."

"Thankyou," Abby heard Susan murmur, as she sat unmoving on her bed. "Let me get that door for you."

A tear slowly fell from her burning eyes and landed on her upturned palm. She hastily wiped the others away before they had the chance to betray her completely. The click-clack of Susan's shoes sounded on the floor as she walked around to sit in front of her again.

Susan leaned in, and watched her intently.

"What do you mean, 'they', Abby?"

Abby drew a deep breath.

"Susan," she started, trying to control that evil waver in her voice, "I know this sounds strange, but could you turn the lights off?"

Without another word, Susan nodded and smiled. Abby watched her stand up in search of the switch, feeling a pained expression on her face.

She didn't deserve a friend like Susan. She didn't deserve anyone to be so understanding. She wasn't deserving of that extra warmth.

A small sliver of light reached through the blinds, glancing across Susan's white coat as she sat down on the stool and patiently waited.

She's waiting for me, thought Abby.

Abby took a deep breath.

Here goes nothing.