Lord Cynic: "It's about time I updated this. Although I also have another incentive, and since the person doesn't have an email that I can view, I guess this is a better way to do things without getting pinged by FFnet again. Grr.

Anyways, this is sort of a personal fanfic in a sense. It features Artherius Cynic, i.e., me, and my human real life counterpart. Now, he hates his real name, and since a month ago has referred to himself as "Mashu". I'll be respectful this time and refer to him as that too. It's mostly in his POV, and you'll have to wade through 1000 or so words to reach anything faintly in the Chrono Crusade universe, but this is 3000+ words long. You can live with that, right? I hope so. Enjoy!"

Centauri Cruxis Angel

Your review in "Mission of the heart" kinda confused me. "Foot-foo" sessions? Either that's a typo or a term I've never heard of before. And I plan to make it a tri-shot so everyone will only get one more chapter. Sorry if that dashes hopes, but if I can make it work well it'll be swell.

Lord Cynic: "I don't own Chrono Crusade. In a sense, I do own myself as a character, and my real life counterpart, Mashu as well. Don't even think about taking us two. Wait, what am I saying? Why would you want to? Hahaha... that was a good one."

"Does she or doesn't she?"

It is the year 2005. Somewhere, in a household in the middle of nowhere, a teenage male pressed the off switch on his DVD player. The VCR above the TV glared the numbers 2:07 on its clock, earning a somewhat intrigued raised eyebrow. Despite his evidently unhealthy sleeping habits, the young man's eyes were wide-awake. Perhaps it was the empty container of coffee beans strewn on the floor next to him, but he was feeling next to no fatigue. As a result, he could watch his friend's DVD without nodding to sleep in the first 15 minutes. Not if he wanted a hefty electrical bill at the end of the week because he unwittingly left the TV on - again.

Speaking of which, with a disappointed grunt, he ambled over to the DVD player, ejected the disc and replaced it in its case. Any scratches and he'd be a dead man, he reminded himself. However, when he flipped the case over, and the words "Chrono Crusade" stuck out above a picture of a blonde nun with a gun and a violet haired demon, a coy smirk spread across the teenage male's face. He silently thanked his friend for the loan of the cartoon, but then yawned briefly. Damnit, the coffee wasn't working, he was still falling asleep! How does that happen!

Rubbing his eyes irritably, he fell blindly but safely backwards onto the couch he'd been watching from, and he blissfully closed his eyes. The "Chrono Crusade" DVD case lay against his chest as he slowly drifted to sleep. He would never notice that it began to flash violently and shake as he slumbered. Then again, he wouldn't notice a nuclear explosion or (when awake) whether a girl had a C-cup or an E-cup (but he's a guy, so the latter is to be expected). Typical lazy ass.

In any case, a mysterious, beige light surrounded the sleeping sod, and he was engulfed in its splendour. Although, anything beige is bound to be suspicious, being such a shady colour and all. Don't try to deny it; we all know it's true. It's about as inconspicuous as clothes in a nudist's camp... er, moving on...

When the light disappeared, the teenage male was dumped in none other than 1928 New York. How quaint. However, he didn't seem to think so as he recovered from a rude awakening. Other than having his 3-hour long sleep interrupted, he had found himself in a place he wished he wasn't. Why? Because there would be no Internet, no video games, no DVDs, no mobiles, and no anime or manga in the Roaring 20's. Oh, the horror.

But the worst was yet to come. As soon as he'd recovered enough to realise his situation, a deafening pop nearly knocked him out again. After he'd batted his ears back to their senses, he discovered an unfortunately familiar face standing before him. If it weren't for the shorter and spikier hairstyle, the larger build or the sunglasses, he would've sworn he was staring at himself. Thankfully, such trauma could be avoided when the person spoke in an irritating, American-like voice (despite also being Australian).

"How goes it, chump?" he asked, raising an eyebrow and his sunnies at the same time. "Remember me?"

"Horrifying," the other male groaned, rising to his feet. He stared up at the sunglasses-clad young man and frowned. "Just what are you doing here?"

"How should I know?" The second male shrugged. "This is your dream sequence."

The first male was dumbfounded.

"This is a what!" he spat, spraying his companion with saliva. "How the hell did that happen, Cynic?"

'Cynic' cleaned his sunglasses irritably and frowned. He then fixed the shorter boy with a piercing stare.

"Don't ask me, 'Mashu'," he replied coldly, letting the name 'Mashu' roll off his tongue with bitterness. "I just know I was reading my magazines and suddenly I get dragged to 1920-something America for no reason whatsoever. I guess that since I'm the smartest from our lot ('Mashu' frowned) it became my duty to accompany you through this. Whatever it is."

"I think I know where we are," Mashu said, as he realised that he was holding the Chrono Crusade DVD. Cynic saw the case and stared at his colleague, but Mashu ignored it. "Welcome, my spiky-haired friend, to the world of Chrono Crusade."

"Chrono what?" Now Cynic was flabbergasted. "What kind of hellhole have you dragged me to, Mashu! Some twisted figment of your retarded imagination?"

"Oy," Mashu growled, fixing his adversary with a resentful glare. "If you want, you can just cart your arse back to wherever you were. Probably in the toilet with your perverted mind. But before you go," he added, looking up and down the street they were situated on, "come with me somewhere. I need to gather some opinions, and despite my better judgement, I know you have more people skills than I do for the job. Besides, you're a hanyou (half-demon), so you'll be perfect." He frowned dangerously. "Either that, or I'll use my 'retarded imagination' to create a female character to chase you for eternity."

Cynic's face paled, and he ducked his head to mutter inappropriate obscenities. However, after much sinning, he reluctantly agreed with a nod of the head. That gave Mashu the cue to jack his thumb up and wave it along the edge of the road.

"What the heck are you doing?" Cynic asked. "Don't tell me we're gonna hitchhike."

"You got a better idea?" Mashu raised an eyebrow of his own. "I have a sense of direction like I have a sense of fashion. Even you can vouch to that."

"Touché," Cynic muttered, staring at his human companion's clothes. A furry coat, a ripped T-Shirt, tracksuit pants and faded sneakers would hardly win Mashu a "Most Fashionable Person" award. Not in 2005, and definitely not in 1928. "I just hope you don't get arrested."

"What about you?" Mashu asked, pausing to turn around and glance at his half-demon colleague. The partially unholy person was donned in a (rather tacky) sleeveless red shirt with a blue vest slapped on top of it for ultimate colour clash. Similarly toned gloves accompanied the shirt on Cynic's hands, and brown pants and green trainers completed the worst description of clothing possible in any timeframe. "I daresay you're not the snappiest dresser either."

"That's only 'cause you make me wear this crap!" Cynic spat. However, he was ignored when Mashu went back to sticking his thumb out and waiting for someone to, in his words, "givus a lift." Growling agitatedly, he folded his arms and stared across the road at anything he could. Luckily for him, he found a character of authority he could abuse as long as it didn't come back to bite him in the ass. "Aha! Someone to vent my anger out on!"

Before Mashu knew what was happening, Cynic had extracted his wings and glided over the road. Unfortunate drivers were caught off-guard, had spun and were teetering precariously over the edge of cliffs on the sides of the road, but Mashu had more things to worry about. Gee, what great priorities this guy has. Anyway, after the mayhem of the road accidents, he dashed across the road to join the hanyou, who was chatting to a policeman. For some reason, he looked very familiar.

"Aw, c'mon," Cynic said, flapping his demon wings idly, "can't you give us a ride? We won't bite."

"The fact that you deliberately omitted the word "don't" isn't very reassuring," the policeman said, scowling. "And you're a demon for goodness' sake! We ought to destroy you here and now!"

"You and what army?" Cynic asked, smirking. He pointed behind the chief, who turned around and discovered that his officers had disappeared upon Cynic's appearance. "It's just you and me, pal."

"Don't even think about it," Mashu frowned, finally catching up to them. "Cynic, what the heck are you doing now? We still have somewhere to -"

The familiarity of the police chief suddenly hit the teenage boy, and he stared at the moustachioed man as if he was a long-lost brother. After a moment of unsettling silence, Mashu finally dug his hand into his pants pocket and dug out a crumpled picture. Don't ask how or why he has it, as I don't doubt you will when you discover who it is. Ignoring the police chief's complaints, he shoved the picture under his nose.

"Do you know this person?" he inquired, earning questioning looks from Cynic and the chief.

"I do remember them, although rather distastefully," the latter answered. "Why do you ask?"

"I have a question I'd like to ask you instead," Mashu said simply. He leaned in and whispered in the chief's ear, ignoring Cynic, who was finally detracting his wings. "Well, does she or doesn't she?" Mashu asked impatiently.

"Well..." The chief took time to think it through. "I wouldn't think she does. Not to me, anyway. Although, when I think about it, sometimes it can become unpleasing after a while."

"Thank you very much," Mashu said, mentally checking off on a private list. "So," he began slowly, "wouldja givus a lift?"

"Thanks a lot," Mashu growled as he and Cynic trudged along the streets of Brooklyn. "You just had to show off and ruin our chances of getting a ride."

"It's not my fault," Cynic grunted. "They're just prejudice against hanyous. My wings needed a stretch, what else could I do?"

"Not bring them out for everyone to see!" Mashu sighed, exasperatedly. "Couldn't they wait? Like, maybe 50 years later?"

"Real funny."

"It's what I do."

Cynic snorted, but something kept prodding his mind and wouldn't let go.

"Where are we going, anyway?" he asked, watching his human colleague look up and down the road.

"You'll see when we get there. Just keep your mouth shut, your wings wherever they go and your eyes on the road in case anyone does give us a lift."

"I doubt that'll happen," Cynic muttered. "For all I know we could be stuck here for yonks."

"Just zip it and keep looking," Mashu snapped. Cynic gave a frustrated grunt, but kept silent and also scanned the road.

Unfortunately for the pair, no such blessing would arrive. As a result, they were forced to travel on foot to wherever Mashu was headed. If only it wasn't so far away...

After an hour's worth of walking (nearly making both of them collapse in the process), the human-hanyou pair found themselves in front of a pair of large gates. Even if they stood on each other's shoulders, they couldn't reach the top, the gates were that tall. Then again, when said males weren't even 6 feet tall, it's to be expected. However, that's not the focus here.

Cynic positively gawked at Mashu, who was examining the gates closely.

"Where the hell are we?" he asked. "I've never seen a place like this before!"

"First of all," Mashu began, "try not to curse here. This is a holy place. Second, this is the Magdalene Order. Basically they exorcist demons."

Cynic blanched, and his whole body went rigid. Mashu noticed the tense aura around his companion and smirked minutely. Oh, this would be so much fun if he didn't have business to attend to.

"They exorcist demons? Then why am I here!" Cynic asked, bewildered.

"Relax," Mashu said. "You don't look like a demon if you keep those instincts in check. Just act like a normal person. Well, try to. Lord knows you usually don't do a proper job."

"Says the guy who deliberately bangs his head on his desk for no reason," Cynic grumbled. However, he was resigned to being ignored as Mashu called out through the gates.

"Hello? Anyone there? We're survey specialists and we'd like to as a few questions!"

"Like that's going to work," Cynic objected. "Who's gonna believe a bunch of teenage guys with clothes from who knows what century are survey specialists. Are you sure they even know what a survey is?"

"They're not stupid, you know," Mashu said.

As if on cue, a bouncy blonde girl ran up to the gate. At first glance, it seemed to the guys that Mashu was about to eat his words. Well, get out a fork and knife, Mashu, because it's lunchtime!

"Hi!" the blonde greeted cheerfully. "My name's Mary! What's yours?"

"Er..." Cynic was astounded at how freely this strange girl could converse with them. Thankfully, Mashu took the initiative.

"Greetings, Miss Mary. My name is Mr. Mashu, and this is my assistant, Mr. Cynic." Mashu indicated who was who. "As I said before, we are travelling survey specialists and often journey around New York asking strange and obscure questions. Today, however, we are on a personal mission, which is why we've come here. May we enter the grounds so that the survey may take place? It involves one of your own and I daresay it would be optimal for this to occur within the grounds rather than out here. It's rather unusual, isn't it?"

"It sure is!" Mary said, beaming. Such was the contrast of words. "Come on in, I'm sure Sister Kate won't mind."

Cynic opened his mouth to speak, but not even a grunt could be uttered before the massive gates opened before him. He glanced at Mashu warily, who shrugged and grinned, and reluctantly he allowed a smirk of his own, even though he had no idea what was going on. However, he knew it was going to be trouble sooner or later.

"Welcome to the Magdalene Order!" Mary said cheerfully, clapping her hands. "Wait here, I'll get the gang so you can start the survey!"

She made to turn around, but Mashu stopped here.

"Just a moment," he said. He dug out the crumpled picture from his pocket and showed it to Mary. "Make sure she's not in the party. The survey involves her for the most part, and I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate what I have to ask."

Mary glanced at the picture, which Cynic still hadn't seen yet, and waved her hand dismissively. Cynic frowned and Mashu raised an eyebrow, but Mary dismissed those too and ran off into the large building, leaving the pair of males wondering if this was a good idea.

After a moment's silence, Cynic whipped out something from inside his vest. Mashu's eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets when he realised what it was. In less than an instant, he'd yanked the offending item out of Cynic's hands and glared at the half-demon.

"Why the heck do you have that!" he asked, stunned beyond belief. "How old are you, 17, right? Why do you have... that type of magazine with you?"

"Geez, get a grip," Cynic said angrily, snatching the magazine back. "I see I'm the only one who went through puberty."

Mashu was about to pop a vein (and Cynic's skull) when Mary returned... with about half a dozen other people. Cynic stared at the numbers, but Mashu was undeterred. On the contrary, he was impressed at the turn out.

"Now, don't freak out," he warned the group, "but if I remember correctly..." He began to point at random people and recite names. "Anna (a redhead), Claire (a brunette), Azmaria (a lavender-haired girl), Joshua (another blonde), Sister Kate (a women who looked extremely irritable), Father Remington (a blonde male who seemed to have 'entrepreneur' written all over him), and the Elder (an elderly man with bizarre spectacles and eyes for a certain pair of knickers hanging somewhere). Am I right?"

Astounded was an understatement. Everyone mentioned above gaped at him, lost for words. He'd even caught the Elder's attention, which was difficult to do when lingerie was in his line of sight. Only Mashu was unfazed, and he assumed that he'd gotten everyone's names in that case.

Oh, and if anyone wanted to know... the Chrono Crusade DVD case was in his shirt. Don't ask how or why.

Nonetheless, the boy was satisfied at his success and began to speak confidently to the baffled group.

"I've asked today for your assistance in a survey I'm taking. However, if I remember correctly, there should be another member of your party. Where is he?"

"Do you mean Chrono?" 'Azmaria' asked timidly. "He was ordered to wipe the windows so he couldn't come."

Mashu simply nodded, without asking who caused Chrono's absence. Cynic eyed him oddly, but Mashu ignored him for the umpteenth time and directed his attention to the party. An anger vein throbbed in Cynic's forehead, but for the sake of not being destroyed by exorcists he kept his fury in check.

"That's a shame," Mashu said simply. "Oh well, I guess it can't be helped. Still, since he knows the most about the subject of my survey, his opinion will be terribly missed. Alas, life moves on..."

Everyone sweatdropped as Mashu continued to babble on pointlessly. However, before he went completely off track, Cynic promptly batted him over the head with a heavy tree branch. If not knocking him out cold, it knocked Mashu back to his senses, and he cleared his throat apologetically. The members of the Order, after recovering from the bizarre spectacle, finally snapped back to attention.

"As I was saying," Mashu continued, "our survey is based on a member of yours whom you know quite well. As such, it shouldn't be hard, especially since it's only one question."

The majority of people fell down in stupidity as a young boy ran up to them. Cynic eyed him warily, sensing an unusual but familiar aura. The boy detected the hanyou's gaze and tilted his head in a confused fashion, receiving a death glare that made him extremely uncomfortable. However, no one noticed their silent exchanges until Mashu saw Cynic's withering stare and where it was directed.

"Aha, just the guy," the human male said, clapping his hands. "Chrono, old chap, join us. I was about to require your services in my survey."

"Um, okay," Chrono said timidly, still eyeing Cynic apprehensively. 'I sense a dangerous presence within that person. But who is he?'

"Our names are Mr. Mashu and Mr. Cynic," Mashu explained, pointing to himself and Cynic respectively. "We are travelling survey specialists and have come here today to ask your assistance in a special survey about a certain member of your exorcist team. Now, assuming she's not eavesdropping on us, I'm going to ask you all a question very quietly, so you'll have to listen closely. Okay, now..."

Cynic was once again excluded when Mashu gathered everyone else around him and started whispering hurriedly. However, the half-demon did notice that most, if not all of the Magdalene Order members started stifling snickers and clasping their mouths. Even Mashu managed a smirk, although it vanished as soon as it came.

Cynic was about to try and eavesdrop, but as soon as he got close, the group broke up and he was left to mutter obscenities. Mashu, being the somewhat observant fellow that he was, noticed the discontent expression on his colleague's face and muttered, "You'll find out soon." While not being totally satisfied, Cynic's temper soothed and he allowed himself the satisfaction of having the option of scaring the crap out of everyone with his demon form if he wanted to. Oh, the irony of it all.

Mashu glanced from one face to the next. At least three (Anna, Claire and Mary) were stifling laughter; one (Chrono) was growing steadily redder; one was frowning disapprovingly (Sister Kate); one was smiling serenely (Joshua), another nervously (Azmaria); and two others discreetly smugly (Remington and Elder). At least he got somewhat the reactions he'd expected, but no answers yet. Somehow, he didn't even need replies, but he'd like to make sure just in case.

"So? Does she or doesn't she?"

The trio of troublemaking sisters were the first to answer.

"Definitely." Anna.

"I don't think so." Mary.

"I don't really notice, but I suppose she does." Claire.

Then Azmaria and Joshua.

"Well, no, I don't think she does." Azmaria.

"I got used to it long ago." Joshua.

Then the head nun.

"As long as she's out of my hair most of the time I don't care."

Then the adult males.

"I believe not, but then again..." Remington.

"As long as I get to see her knickers, I can live with it." Elder.

Mashu stared at Cynic. All he received was a blank stare, until he remembered one member of the party was yet to answer.

"Chrono? You haven't said anything yet."

Chrono snapped out a trance and stared up at Mashu nervously. Cynic fixed him with a lethal stare, provoking the small boy to answer.

"Oh, um, I dunno. I mean, maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. That's not the only thing to notice about her though, you know? Maybe you do. Um... what was the question again?"

Mashu nearly laughed himself stupid at Chrono's incoherent blabbering. However, a sharp, decidedly ear-piercing screech drained the colour from everyone's faces.

"CHRONO! WHERE'S MY HABIT! IF YOU'VE LOST IT IN THE LAUNDRY AGAIN, LORD HELP ME, I'LL KICK YOUR DEMON BEHIND!"

"Eep! Excuse me guys, I gotta go!" And with that, Chrono was gone.

"Hmmph... I knew it! He's a demon as well!" Cynic declared.

Everyone stared at him.

"Too? Just who are you people?" Sister Kate shrieked.

"Oh apple sauce," Mashu 'cursed'. "Cynic, you idiot! Why'd you say that for?"

"So what? You keep everything hidden so I don't know what's going on."

"Girls, get the Gospel!" Sister Kate ordered. "They mustn't get away!"

"Oh crud!" Mashu and Cynic yelled at the same time.

"Get us out of here!" Cynic demanded. "I'm too good-looking to be destroyed by your ignorance!"

"You're one to talk," Mashu muttered. "You big mouth."

Suddenly, the Chrono Crusade case fell out of his shirt and enveloped him and Cynic in its wussy beige light. The last the Magdalene Order saw of them was one of Cynic's demon wings sprouting.

With a thud, Mashu landed on his couch, almost completely winded. Clutching Chrono Crusade to his chest, he stares around his TV room. Then, a lightbulb flickers above his head... before fizzing out. Rotten, crappy quality lightbulb.

"I guess it's true for some people. Rosette really can have an annoying voice."

He drifted off to sleep, causing the house to rumble with his snoring. Somewhere, sleeping birds were falling out of their trees and into rivers. Muwahahahaha...

THE END

Lord Cynic: "I'm being forced by Mashu to apologise if this offended anyone. As you can see, deep down we're both rather irritated, bitter people… to each other. Hence the cursing and so forth." (quietly) "Trust me, he's much worse in real life. So violent… OWW! Quit it!"

Mashu: "Punk." (to the readers) "You haven't seen the last of us, though. I've persuaded Cynic to ensure that this might be a running trend in this series of one-shots. How will we manage it? Leave it to us…"

Lord Cynic: "Did you have to use such a large mallet?"

Mashu: "… Yes."