Ronin and Heart, Part 2
"It's over."
Kitsune blinked a few times, coming awake at the sound of Motoko's voice. ". . . what?"
"It's over," Motoko said with a deep sigh, and pulled the band off of her head, letting her hair fall down to her waist in black waves. "I'm done. There's nothing more I can do."
"Aww. . . ." Kitsune curled tighter around Motoko from where she lay, hooked around the kendo girl like a horseshoe. She'd wound herself behind Motoko as she'd been studying, mostly because she just felt like being close to her but hadn't wanted to keep her from getting work done. Kitsune rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, and leaned up on one elbow, then reached out and stroked her hand down Motoko's hair. "That's great, y'know? Now you can finally relax."
Motoko let out a cynical laugh at that, then slumped forward onto the kotatsu. "Not quite," she said, "not yet. I need to eat well and get a good night's sleep - oh, stop that, you know what I mean," she said, starting to blush.
"Hey, if it gets you ready for the test," Kitsune said with a wink. "But yeah, I do know what you mean." She paused, and leaned closer to Motoko. "But I also have a surprise for you."
"Oh?" Motoko said slowly, still looking down at the table. "You do?" She looked over at Kitsune, seeming almost nervous.
"It's just a little something," Kitsune said. She brushed Motoko's hair back from her ear, then nibbled lightly on her earlobe. "And it's something that I know you'll love," she whispered.
Motoko shivered for a second, then pulled back and looked at Kitsune. "That's - that's not quite what I meant," she said, sounding slightly nervous.
Kitsune pouted, looking somewhat hurt, though she smiled on the inside. She knew what Motoko was thinking, and while she liked it, it wasn't what she'd been planning. She started to stand up. "Indulge me, would you?"
"Not that again," Motoko said flatly.
"Motoko!" She knelt, and wrapped her arms around the other woman's waist, pressing herself to her back. "Trust me, okay? I've been planning this for a while." She took a deep breath, smelling Motoko's hair, then peeked around her shoulder. "Please?"
Got her, Kitsune thought. By now, she knew that look on Motoko's face. She was resisting, partly out of some bizarre habit and partly because every once in a while she still felt chaste, but Kitsune knew her well by now. Motoko would cave in, and then her surprise would come. Kitsune started to grin. If this were any better, she'd be getting a buzz from it.
"I suppose," Motoko said slowly, "it wouldn't hurt, the night before the test."
"I knew you'd say that," Kitsune whispered, and slid her hands up Motoko's body, then grabbed her arms and helped her to her feet. "C'mon," she said.
"I should have known you'd need something from your room," Motoko said, though she was smiling. She pulled up the straps on her tank top, then put one hand over Kitsune's. "Am I going to need to dress up for this?" she asked, starting to blush.
Kitsune felt her own face growing warm at the tone of Motoko's voice, and almost regretted what she was about to do. "Yeah," she said quickly. "It's in my room, c'mon."
They headed up to Kitsune's room, and Kitsune pushed Motoko inside before anyone else saw them. She put a finger to Motoko's lips to keep her from saying anything, then hurried over to her closet and pulled out two yukata.
"Remember these?" Kitsune asked with a wink.
Motoko blinked, then started to smile as a look of dawning comprehension came over her face. "I do remember," she said quietly. "Those are from the beach café, when we went to the festival." She walked close to Kitsune, and stroked her fingers down the soft cloth. "You remembered the one I wore," she said, looking at her lover happily.
"What, you think I'd forget something like that?" Kitsune asked, trying to sound hurt but knowing she wasn't fooling anyone. "You gotta promise me something, though."
"What's that?" Motoko asked.
"Go naked under it," Kitsune said with a leering grin.
A few minutes and a few lewd comments later, the two of headed downstairs, and walked arm-in-arm into the kitchen. Motoko looked more than a little surprised that they were leaving Kitsune's room, but Kitsune managed not to say anything, though she couldn't help grinning a lot. Shinobu was there, and turned to greet them once they entered.
"Oh, wow, you two look great!" she beamed. "The table's set up outside, and dinner will be ready in a minute."
"Thanks, Shinobu," Kitsune said, then turned to her lover. "Shall we?" she asked, gesturing to the door that led to the outer part of the house.
Motoko gave her a curious look. "I have been spending too much time studying, haven't I?" she asked.
"Yes," Kitsune said firmly, then pulled her along and through the door.
Outside, the deck where Motoko normally practiced her kendo had a table set up in the middle of it. Kitsune led Motoko up to the table, and they both sat down. Kitsune grinned at Motoko across the table, then asked, "So, whatcha think?"
Motoko started to say something, then just gave a small smile. "I think I'm very lucky," she said quietly. "And I'm sorry I've been so distant while studying."
"You kinda have," Kitsune said with a shrug, "but hey, I know it's important to you. I just wanted to do something to wish you good luck, my way."
"You have a very nice way of wishing me luck," Motoko said with a quiet laugh.
"Hey, you're worth it," Kitsune said casually. "I really want you to pass. I just thought it'd be nice to, y'know, kind of go back to the first time I really said anything to you, so you wouldn't stress so much."
Motoko reached for Kitsune's hand across the table, smiling warmly. "I wouldn't have thought that you'd be such a romantic," she said. "I'd expect you to try to throw me into bed instead of anything like this."
"Well. . . ." Kitsune winked at her. "Maybe after dinner?"
"Even if I want to do the throwing?" Motoko asked with a raised eyebrow.
"We can switch off," Kitsune said with half a shrug, then grinned.
"That was . . . the best," Motoko said, then sighed, content.
"Good for you too, eh?" Kitsune leaned back and stretched, then gave a lopsided smile, looking very satisfied.
Motoko licked at the corner of her mouth, blushing slightly as Kitsune leered at her. Some things never changed, she thought. "Of course. Shinobu's cooking gets better every time, it seems."
"No kidding." Kitsune rested her hands over her stomach, then winked at Motoko. "So, do you. . . ?" She leaned forward a bit, and tugged at the front part of her yukata to flash her cleavage at her lover.
"Just - just a moment," Motoko said, surprised at the question for reasons she couldn't quite place. She shouldn't have expected anything different, she thought, so why should she feel awkward? She was probably just nervous about the exams tomorrow, Motoko thought. That had to be it. Tomorrow was the big step, the thing that could determine so much of her future. She nodded to herself, knowing that she had every right to be nervous.
But if she was going to be the best she could be, as swordswoman and as a woman, then she couldn't let the tests get to her. And besides, compared to the nights she spent with the woman she loved, what was another hour of studying?
Nights, Motoko thought, her eyes widening. She'd neglected the astronomy segment of her studies completely for the past week.
"I know that look," Kitsune said, and leaned back in her chair as she started to look upset. "You just remembered something. This isn't going to be good, is it?"
"Astronomy," Motoko said, and nodded. She now completely understood why she felt nervous. "I'm sorry, but I need to go over it before I go to bed." She looked away from Kitsune. She couldn't help feeling a little guilty, but this was important, and failing to prepare for any one part of the test - even something as minor as just a part of the sciences - could cost her valuable points.
Kitsune's face fell, and she started to look very upset. "I thought you were done! After all this, you still have to study?"
"I'm sorry," Motoko said, though she was unable to keep herself from feeling a little indignant. How many times had Kitsune said that she knew how important her studies were? "It shouldn't take me more than an hour or two."
Kitsune took a deep breath, then nodded. "You're worth it," she said, her smile slowly coming back, "but I'm holding you to that hour thing." She stood, and walked over to Motoko's chair, then draped her arms around the other woman from behind. "If you're not right back here in my arms an hour after we head up, I'm coming to get you."
"I believe you," Motoko said, feeling herself blush slightly.
"Where is she. . . ?"
Kitsune looked over at her clock, and grumbled under her breath. She rolled over, glanced back at the clock again, saw that it really did say that it'd been an hour since Motoko should have been here, then hurled her pillow at the clock and rolled out of bed.
"This is just nuts," she said to herself. She headed for the door, then stopped and pulled on a robe first. Sure, she didn't have any problem with showing up at Motoko's door naked - it'd probably help pull her mind off of studying - but she didn't feel like streaking the whole house. Once she was somewhat clothed, she reached for the door again, then paused.
"This is gonna make a difference, right?" she said to herself, feeling strangely downcast. "I mean, I'm gonna go in there, and she'll want to stop studying, right?"
Kitsune shook her head and managed a small grin. Why was she doubting herself? Sure, Motoko wasn't always the most open person, but she threw herself into something once she was sure it was worth it, no matter what. It was the same with the relationship and with her studying, really. But should that mean that one was so much more important? And was it still going to be like this once Motoko got into Tokyo U?
She leaned up against the wall, and put a hand to her forehead. She knew it wasn't like her to worry this much. But with all this studying, and all the stress that Motoko was putting herself through, and the stress it was putting on Kitsune just as bad. . . . Add that in to Motoko seeming like she didn't even know that Kitsune was upset, and. . . .
Kitsune spun around and threw the door open, already frowning. She had to do something about this.
It wasn't that late, though the sun had already gone down, and Kitsune managed not to run into anyone as she made her way downstairs to Motoko's room. She wasn't sure where everyone else was, and for once, it didn't matter. This was just between her and Motoko.
She reached her lover's door and slid it open without knocking, ready to get all upset and ask how she could have forgotten to come up after an hour of studying. There really couldn't be an excuse, Motoko shouldn't forget stuff like that, Kitsune thought, and how could she still want to study when they could be together?
Kitsune opened her mouth to yell as soon as she looked inside, then paused, and felt all her energy just kind of seep out of her. Motoko lay there, slumped over the kotatsu, breathing deep, her head pillowed on a book. She looked so peaceful, Kitsune thought as she walked over. Sure, she still wanted to ask Motoko how she could have forgotten to come up to her, but something inside of her told Kitsune to just let this one go.
Not, Kitsune thought, that she was going to listen.
Kitsune kneeled next to Motoko, loosened her robe a little, then put a hand on her lover's shoulder. "Hey," she whispered, starting to smirk, "wake up, or I'll molest you in your sleep."
It was a moment before Motoko stirred, and she did so very slowly, so much that Kitsune almost regretted waking her up. Motoko blinked at Kitsune, looking very sleepy.
"What . . . what time is it?" she asked, then yawned. "Do I have to leave?"
Kitsune slumped. Motoko wasn't even thinking about it, she thought, and probably hardly even remembered. "No," she said, "it's still late. Just making sure you're okay, y'know. You want a blanket?"
"No, I need - I need. . . ." Motoko trailed off, then blinked and sat up straight. She looked over at Kitsune, seeming suddenly regretful. "I'm . . . I'm sorry, Kitsune. I shouldn't have kept studying, I should have--"
"Hey," Kitsune said, forcing a smile, "it's all right. You need to be ready." She reached over and closed the book that lay open, and helped Motoko to her feet. "You should get to bed, though, if you're that tired."
Kitsune helped Motoko to her futon, half-dragging her, trying not to feel horribly sorry for herself. What was she doing? She'd come down here, all ready to get on her girlfriend's case for standing her up, and now all she could be was nurturing. Something wasn't right, but she wasn't doing anything about it, and that was just as bad as anything else.
All the same, she couldn't really bring herself to get mad at Motoko when she looked that damn peaceful, laying there in bed.
Kitsune pulled the covers over Motoko, then leaned down and kissed her gently on her neck. "I'll be there for you in the morning," she whispered, "so I can see you off."
"Mmh. . . . Thank you," Motoko murmured. She looked up at Kitsune, and smiled, her eyes hardly open. "I love you."
Kitsune swore she felt her heart twinge. No matter what, that was still true, and she still felt the same way. "I love you," she whispered. "Now get some sleep." She turned and stood, then walked toward the door, but paused when she heard Motoko say one last thing.
"Kitsune . . . I'm sorry about tonight."
"Yeah," Kitsune whispered, softly enough that she knew Motoko wouldn't hear her. "Yeah, I'm sorry too."
"Motoko! Wake up! You're going to be late!"
Motoko's eyes snapped open as she heard Naru's voice, and she sat up straight all at once. It was morning, she realized. She was alone. She was in her own room. The Tokyo U entrance exam was today. And she'd woken up alone. In her own room.
The last thing she really remembered was Kitsune dragging her to bed, and not in the way either of them wanted. Something, she knew, had gone horribly wrong.
Put it aside, she told herself as she scrambled to get dressed. Set it aside, and focus on today's testing. Later, when she returned, she could talk to Kitsune and explain to her what had happened, how she'd remembered that she still had some of her recent history to study after astronomy, and how that had only made her realize how tired she was. She'd only meant to nap for a moment, the better to be rested for later, but it clearly hadn't worked out that way.
"Enough, focus!" she told herself as she pulled on her shirt. For now, there could only be the test. For right now, everything else was secondary.
She couldn't help but notice, though, as she left Hinata House, that Kitsune was not up early enough to wish her well. She managed to smile at the others, and caught the cable tram that would take her to Tokyo U. Once there, she started going over her note cards, making sure that she remembered everything. She had to be at her best, she thought. She had to be the best.
Tokyo U's tower was a little imposing as she approached, but Motoko paid it no mind as she hurried toward the classroom where she'd be taking the test. There was nothing to this, she thought. She'd been doing nothing but studying for long enough, and today, it was all going to pay off. Then things could go back to normal, and she could make it up to Kitsune.
She really had been letting her lover down, Motoko thought, slowing her pace a bit. Maybe that was why Kitsune had been going to such lengths to get her attention, even when she was trying to help her with studying. That time with the maid outfit - that had been obvious, even for Kitsune, so how many other little hints had she missed? Motoko shook her head at that; it wasn't like Kitsune to attempt 'little hints.' But Kitsune must have been feeling at least a little neglected, and Motoko knew that she hadn't been doing much to change that.
"All right," she said to herself quietly, picking up her pace again, "I'll show her that I haven't forgotten about her. Once this is over with, it'll be fine."
Several hours later, it was, in fact, over, and Motoko stared off into the distance as the tram sped her home.
That wasn't as bad as she'd anticipated, she thought as she waited to hear the stop for Hinata. All the time she'd spent studying had paid off, that much she could tell, and the tips she'd picked up from Naru and Mutsumi had also come in great handy. Of course, there was still tomorrow, and some of her more difficult subjects would be covered then, but if she did as well as she'd done today, then she had nothing to worry about.
With that in mind, she thought, she was free to relax tonight, as long as she did a small review just before bed. Or perhaps the review could come a while before bed, as she still did need to smooth things out with Kitsune. Then perhaps she should do her review right away, the better to have the rest of the day and night free. . . .
Motoko let the train of thought trail off, then paused when she realized that she was blushing a great deal. While she would have loved to have Kitsune come to meet her after the test, she was a little glad that her lover wasn't there at the moment, it would only have made the blushing worse. She sighed, and realized that it truly had been far too long since they'd had any real time to themselves, no matter what they were doing. But there was today and tonight, so she could do her best to fix that, and after tomorrow, the tests would be over.
The stop for Hinata House came soon enough, and Motoko ascended the front stairs to find Su, Sarah, Mutsumi, and Shinobu waiting there for her, holding signs of congratulations and good luck. She smiled brightly at them, but couldn't help noticing that Kitsune wasn't there. She asked as soon as she was able, and the concerned look on Shinobu's face told her all she needed to know.
"I haven't seen her all day, Motoko," Shinobu said. "She didn't come down for breakfast or lunch, and she didn't answer when we knocked on her door."
"You sure it's not a lovers' quarrel?" Sarah asked, then rolled her eyes when Motoko glared at her.
"I'll have a quarrel with you if you don't stop that," Motoko snapped, then hurried inside, and headed upstairs. Kitsune's door was closed, of course, so she knocked first. "Kitsune?"
There was no answer.
"Kitsune?" Motoko asked, knocking again. She paused, then slid the door open. A second later, she stepped back, holding her hand over her nose at the smell.
Kitsune was nowhere in the room, but there were empty beer cans littered around her futon, and it seemed that a half-full bottle of some kind of liquor had been thrown against the wall, where it had shattered. Motoko made her way across the room and opened a window to air it out, then looked around again, frowning. She wasn't sure when this had happened, but she knew that the others would have told her if they'd heard glass breaking. She sighed.
"I didn't think she'd be this mad at me," Motoko said quietly to herself. "But wherever she is, I know she'll come back here eventually."
She scribbled out a note, reading 'come and find me,' and left it on Kitsune's pillow, then headed down to her own room. She didn't know where Kitsune would have gone – if she still felt like drinking, there were bars aplenty downtown, and Motoko didn't feel like going to look through them all right now. There were still things she had to do, no matter what. She knew that Kitsune would eventually find the note, and come to find her.
That evening, Kitsune did just that.
Motoko was out on the deck, eyeing the gathering clouds overhead as she practiced her strikes. She heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs, and turned to see Kitsune standing there, leaning against the rail for support. She held a bokken in one hand.
"Y'know," Kitsune said, the tone and volume of her voice suggesting that she was most if not all the way to drunk, "I didn't think I'd ever have to end up doing this."
"Kitsune," Motoko said, struggling to remain calm. This wasn't going to go well, she could tell, and hoped that she could get Kitsune to calm down before anything happened. She lowered her head. "I'm sorry about last night."
"You should be!" Kitsune yelled, glaring at Motoko, her cheeks red. "I got all that set up and all you wanted to do was study. Even fell asleep on your books instead of me. But I guess . . . I guess I shouldn't be too surprised." She'd made it all the way up onto the deck by now, and leaned back against the rail, tapping her bokken against one foot. "You've been liking your books more than me a lot recently."
"I've had to study," Motoko said, and she could feel her cheeks starting to heat. "You saw Naru and Urashima go through all this before, it's hard to get into Tokyo U."
"Yeah, maybe," Kitsune said, then hiccupped. "But it's weird, y'know? Studying all the time, it made them get closer together." She started to walk toward Motoko, slowly. "Your studying, it's taking us apart. I miss you, dammit, and you're always at your desk. It's like you don't even want to be my girl anymore."
Motoko took a deep breath, and started to walk to Kitsune, hoping she could meet her in the middle. Her lover was probably too drunk to see the metaphor, but it'd make her feel better. "I told you, I'm sorry. But it's almost over, tomorrow's the end of the test." She reached out and took Kitsune's free hand in her own. "I just have to get through that, and we'll be all right."
"All back to the way we were?" Kitsune asked after a moment, and gave a lopsided grin.
"I promise," Motoko said, then pulled Kitsune close. A second later, she felt her lover's arm wrap around her and pat her on the ass, and she knew that they were going to be okay. Kitsune was drunk, but not too upset, and they just needed to get through tomorrow. She felt the first few drops of rain land on her head and shoulders, and pulled back. "We should get in--"
"Hey, yeah," Kitsune said, and gave her a slow wink. "And you don't have to study for tomorrow, right? You're all done with your books, now that you're doing the test thingy."
"I just need to review a bit," Motoko said with a nod. "But I'll be--"
"I thought you just said you were done!" Kitsune said loudly, pulling back. "What, do I have to lose you to your . . . to your books again tonight?"
"Kitsune!" Motoko said, frowning. "You know--"
"I know that I'm tired of this," Kitsune said, then took a shaky step back and held out her bokken. The rain started to fall harder, and thunder boomed in the distance.
"I'm not going to fight you," Motoko said evenly, though she had to be loud to be heard over the rain. "I - I don't want to hurt you."
"Heh," Kitsune said, and did something that looked like a grin but seemed more like a sneer. "You're a little late for that, y'know. You were late for that a long time ago. Maybe you should have . . . should have looked around a little, lifted up from your books or something. Maybe you should have let me distract you once in a while." She shrugged, then tossed her bokken at Motoko's feet. "But, whatever. Go study."
Motoko watched Kitsune turn and walk, slowly, back toward Hinata House, then just stood there in the rain, wondering how everything could have gone so badly, so quickly.
". . . ouch."
Kitsune woke up wincing, sprawled half-off of her futon, wearing the wrinkled and damp clothes she'd been in when she'd gone to talk to Motoko. If she could even call that talking. That wasn't the way to do it, Kitsune thought. Sure, her mind was still all fuzzy and she couldn't even remember how she'd gotten out to the deck or why she'd taken a bokken, but she remembered their talk.
Just thinking about it was enough to make her pull herself all the way onto the futon and drag the covers over her head. Sure, honesty was important and all that, but did she have to be such an ass about it? Everything had come out, but not like she'd wanted to say it. Or maybe just like she'd wanted to say it, but not how she should have. She put her palms to the sides of her head, feeling utterly miserable and wondering how she was going to salvage this one.
It was a moment before she realized that the room had been pretty light before she'd pulled the covers over herself. That was part of why she had such a big headache, yeah, but that also meant something else. Motoko would have left already to take the second part of the test. "Damn," she muttered to herself. Sure, she'd gotten on Motoko's case and everything, but Kitsune knew she wasn't doing much better if she wasn't even trying to support her girlfriend. Why the hell did this all have to be so screwed up?
Kitsune slowly sat up, still holding her head, then let her hands drop into her lap. Motoko might have started this problem with all the studying, she thought, but she'd gotten drunk and made things worse. She had to do something about it.
A bath first, she had to do that, Kitsune thought as she pulled herself out of bed. Then she'd be waiting for Motoko when she got home, and they could . . . well, they'd both have to say they were sorry; Kitsune knew she'd screwed up but she wasn't the only one. But that was how it was supposed to work, right? Communication and all that. If she'd been doing that when she was sober, Kitsune thought with a chuckle, then maybe she wouldn't have gotten drunk and been stupid. She gathered a change of clothes, then hurried to her door and slid it open to find Motoko standing there about to knock.
Kitsune paused, blinked, then tried to smile and failed. "Hey," she managed.
"Hello," Motoko said slowly, lowering her gaze.
"How - how'd it go?" Kitsune asked, wondering just how long she'd been passed out and thinking that things couldn't have gone well if Motoko was already like this.
It was then that Kitsune noticed that Motoko was in her kendo garb, had her bokken over one shoulder, and looked like she'd just gotten done with her workout not too long ago. Something really wasn't right here, Kitsune thought. Maybe Motoko was just upset about everything that'd happened, and maybe she'd tried to wake her up, but couldn't. . . . The sinking feeling in Kitsune's stomach told her that wasn't quite it.
"I failed," Motoko whispered, though she might as well have yelled it for the silence that followed.
Kitsune blinked. "What?" She tossed her spare clothes aside and took a step forward, but Motoko didn't move. "C'mon, you don't know that," she said quietly, still hesitant. "They won't put up the results for, what, two weeks?"
"I know," Motoko said firmly, not raising her gaze at all. "I just . . . it was like I didn't know anything. I couldn't stop thinking about . . . what you said."
"Oh, damn." Kitsune took another step forward, and stood close to Motoko, then reached out to hold her. Motoko pulled away. "Look, we both messed up, all right?" Kitsune asked. "Maybe I should have said something earlier, maybe you should have relaxed a little. But--"
"No," Motoko said firmly. She finally raised her head, and Kitsune could see the redness around her eyes. She'd been crying for a long time, and tears were still falling. "I've failed you, and I've failed myself. I'm just not--" Motoko let out a choking sob, and turned and ran down the hall.
"Motoko!" Kitsune yelled, then took off running after her. She was a little shaky, and Motoko was much faster. They ran through the halls toward Motoko's room, nearly crashing into Shinobu and sending her laundry flying into the air. Motoko reached her room first, and slid the door shut with a slam.
Damn, Kitsune thought. This definitely wasn't good. "Motoko!" she called, and pounded on the door frame. "C'mon!"
"I'm not worthy of you!" Motoko cried from inside. "Just leave me alone!"
"What the - worthy?" Kitsune pounded again, hardly able to believe what she was hearing. "I love you, dammit! You're worthy!" There was no response. "Motoko!" Kitsune turned and leaned up against the doors. "I can stay as long as you can, y'know," she called, though she knew Motoko wouldn't say anything.
Damn, Kitsune thought. Just . . . damn.
"It's been two weeks! What am I supposed to do?"
"You could always try talking to her," Haruka said, then took a drag on her cigarette. "That usually seems to work."
Kitsune turned and glared at the other woman, but faltered a second later, and collapsed onto the bench of one of Café Hinata's tables. She wasn't sure how long she'd been pacing as she ranted out her problems to Haruka, but she sure felt like she'd walked a few miles. Or maybe that was just because she hadn't been getting any exercise, of any kind, for the past two weeks.
The way Motoko had been acting reminded Kitsune a little of how she'd been the three days after Kitsune had made her first clumsy passes at the kendo girl. That had been less awkward, though, and a lot less painful. Motoko went around the house with her head down, as though ashamed, and said as little as possible to anyone. They'd all tried to bring her out of her shell, but she just didn't respond. She'd even been doing her practice in her room instead of out on the deck, which was something she'd never done before.
All of it was driving Kitsune absolutely mad. Two weeks without Motoko would have been bad enough, but two weeks of having her around and not being able to touch her? Two weeks with no kendo practice, no exercise, no watching the races, no long nights of holding each other and talking and . . . and. . . . She felt her face growing warm, and resisted the urge to pound her head on the table.
She looked up at Haruka and sighed, hoping she didn't look as worn out as she felt. "I've tried talking," she said wearily. "She doesn't even want me around. I have to corner her in the main room, or sneak up on her in her sleep or something. She doesn't even look at me, and she just gets this look on her face, so I. . . ." She trailed off, and leaned forward with her head in her hands. "I don't know what's going on, Haruka. I can hardly even sleep when she's not there."
Haruka nodded slowly, then blew out another cloud of smoke. "I don't know what to tell you, Kitsune. Maybe she just needs her space until she can get through this."
"But it's been two weeks! She's got all of Hinata House, how could she need more space?"
"Didn't you say you'd been sneaking into her room at night?" Haruka asked, tilting her head at Kitsune.
Kitsune paused, then slapped her own forehead. "Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea," she said, "but I was getting kinda desperate. I thought it'd help her get over what she said about not being worthy."
"Ah," Haruka said, then leaned up against the table. "You didn't mention that. You think the Tokyo U exams have anything to do with that?"
"That's how this whole mess got started," Kitsune said, and lay her head down on her arms. Two weeks . . . it was almost too much to deal with.
There was a thwap right in front of her, and Kitsune looked up to see that Haruka had tossed the morning's paper on the table.
"They're announcing the Tokyo U entrance exam results today," Haruka said casually. "No matter what, she's going to go. You should go see if she wants to--"
Kitsune was out of her chair and out of the café before Haruka could finish her sentence. Two steps later, she had to bring herself to a screeching halt so she didn't run into Motoko, who was standing right outside the door.
"Kitsune," Motoko said quietly, bowing her head.
Kitsune started to say something, but paused. Better to let Motoko start, she thought; the last thing she wanted to do was to screw this up.
"I was wondering," Motoko said, her voice not much more than a whisper, "if you would accompany me to Tokyo U--"
"Yes," Kitsune said without letting herself think any more. "Are we going now?" Better to not give her a chance to change her mind, Kitsune thought, and stepped forward, making a move to take Motoko's arm.
Motoko deftly slid out of the way, but nodded. "I was about to take the tram." She still hadn't raised her head.
"Then let's get out of here, okay?" Kitsune asked, and managed a grin, though she was pretty sure Motoko wouldn't see it. "C'mon, I want to see your name up on that board thing."
"It won't be there," Motoko whispered.
Kitsune frowned, but pretended she didn't hear. For now, she would have to be supportive, and ready to congratulate or console her lover when the time came.
The tram ride seemed to take forever, and it was past noon by the time they reached Tokyo U. Kitsune did her best to smile, even with the ever-somber Motoko at her side, as it was kind of exciting. Just like a year ago, there were tons of people here, and a lot of them were cheering and yelling as they saw their names or names of friends on the boards that listed who'd passed the test.
As they walked toward the place where the boards were, Kitsune slowly reached out and tried to take Motoko's hand. The other girl pulled away at first, but Kitsune managed to grab her hand, and smiled at her when Motoko looked over. Motoko didn't say anything, but simply frowned, looking pained. She didn't pull away, though, and Kitsune thought that had to count for something.
"Ah," Kitsune said once they were close enough to the boards that they could read the names. "Time for the moment of truth, eh?" She glanced over at Motoko, who was looking down at the ground. "C'mon. You're going to look, right?"
"There's no point," Motoko whispered.
"You don't know that!" Kitsune said, trying not to yell. "Let's look on three, okay? One, two . . . three."
Kitsune looked up, and started glancing down the lists of names, trying to find Motoko's. A moment later, when she'd gone through the 'A' listings and not seen 'Aoyama,' she slumped. So that was it, she thought. Motoko had been right, and she was probably going to be crushed. "So," she said, "that's--"
She suddenly realized that her hand was empty. Motoko was gone.