Rahne
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "We're going to heaven, you can't take it with you, you know" "The heck I can't!"
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ACT 5 - Mystique needs a new job
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Rahne is walking along the streets, shivering with cold, Lance padding along beside her. She stops when she sees Logan and Sabertooth looking around, obviously searching for someone. She panics and heads off into a crowd of Morlocks, who are warming themselves with burning bins
"Why didn't we think of getting marshmallows?", mutters Callisto.
"We're not here, okay?", asks Rahne, hiding in a pile of rubbish behind them.
"...That wassss odd", blinks Caliban
Logan and Sabertooth see the Molocks and walk over
"Hey, down there!", shouts Sabertooth, looking more ridiculous in his uniform than Logan, "You know the law, no loitering"
"That's the second time the word 'loitering' has appeared in a Todd Fan parody", says Pietro.
"We 'aint loitering, Officer", says Caliban, "We're holding a meeting"
"Yeah, for the Millionaires' Club", smirks Callisto.
Sabertooth and Logan growl as the Morlocks laugh at this joke, stopping when Logan pops out his claws
"Yeah, well, I suggest you move it to your Park Avenue address, or else I'll have you arrested for trespassing", he threatens.
"Let's be good citizens and move along", says Sabertooth, "Let's go. Come on, everybody let's go"
"..Are you even vaguely aware ya sound like one of those home video exercise coaches?", asks Logan, blinking.
"Shadup", mutters Sabertooth.
The Morlocks grumble as they are moved on by the cops. Rahne tries to sneak off into the crowd of Morlocks with Lance, but is spotted by Logan
"Hey, you!", snaps Logan, "Where's the leash and license?"
"Run for it, Sandy!", shouts Rahne.
She and Lance 'run for it', she going in one direction, him in another. Lance runs right in-between Sabertooth and Logan, making the pair run into each other
"Great, we're like a bad comedy act", growls Sabertooth.
"Hey, Flatfoot, bet ye cannae catch me!", calls Rahne
"You take the mutt", says Logan, "I'll take the kid"
"Awww, you always get the fun chase", mutters Sabertooth, "…I hate dogs"
Sabertooth sighs and heads off after Lance, while Logan runs after Rahne
"Hey, you, short stuff! Hold up!", shouts Logan
"Look who's talking", laughs Rahne
Logan chases Rahne over and under alleyways, until she ducks under a stairwell, Logan runs past, then stops as she runs out of the stairwell, going back after her. Logan continues to chase her, then finds he can't see her, as he runs across the road, Rahne peeks her head out of a coat on a rack, and heads out, Logan sees this and manages to cut her off at a corner, so she runs right into him. The scene immediately cuts to her being hugged by Mystique.
"I was worried sick, Officer!", gasps Mystique, "Oh you poor little thing. I hope you didn't catch cold out there I don't know whatever I'd do without ya"
"Scrub the floors yeself?", says Rahne snidely.
Mystique gives her a 'sweet' smile and puts her behind her back as she talks to Logan
"Of all my little girls, Rahne here is my favourite", she says, "Thanks for bringing her back"
"Well, seein' as she means that much to you, ma'am, I guess I don't mind that I spent the whole night chasing after her", says Logan, "…and got cold"
"Well, if there's anything I can do to repay you, Officer...", says Mystique with a smile.
"Well.. actually, there is", says Logan
"It better not be anything illegal", says Mystique, narrowing her eyes.
"Hah,. like that bothers you", says Logan, "Well, actually there is. There was this mangy mutt with her that got away. He comes sniffing around, give a holler and he's off to the pound"
"Oh yes, Sir. You can count on me, Sir. For anything", smiles Mystique, "Ta-ta"
With an almost grimace, she shoves Rahne inside and slams the door shut, the other girls run from where they were gathered by the windows
"All right, the show's over!", snaps Mystique, "Back to your rooms!"
The girls run off and Mystique tweaks Rahne by the ear
"And you! If the Board of Orphans finds out about this, they'll start nosin' around here and I could lose my job", she snaps, pushing Rahne into her office.
"But I thought ye hated ye job", says Rahne
"Oh no, I love my job", says Mystique, "It's the kids I hate!"
"..Kinda a catch 22 isn't it?", blinks Pietro.
"You wait here", growls Mystique, "I'm going to cook up your punishment. And it's gonna be a doozy!"
As Mystique slams the door, she is greeted by Amara
"Miss Darkholme, Miss Darkholme!", she cries, "We saw a mouse! A mouse!"
"Do I look like the exterminator?", mutters Mystique.
"There it is, up there!", says Rogue, pointing up to the ceiling
"No, it's there!", says Wanda grabbing Mystique and pointing at the stairs
"No, I tell ya, it's there!", says X23 pointing at the ceiling, making Mystique look up, X23 takes the opportunity to stomp down on Mystiques foot.
"..Adamantium...laced..foot", gasps Mystique as the girls laugh at her, "Out of my sight! All of ya! SCRAM!"
The girls laugh hysterically, running up the stairs. Mystique goes to open the door to her bedroom, only to have Dani pop out
"Boo!", says Dani
The girls laugh more as Mystique jump. Mystique growls, dragging Dani out and tossing her into the hallway. Once she is alone, Mystique bangs her head against the door, beginning to sing..
Little girls, little girls
Everywhere I turn
I can see them
"...You should have that checked by a specialist", nods Pietro wisely.
Little girls, little girls
Night and day
I eat, sleep and
Mystique walks over to a lump on her bed, throwing the sheet aside to see it's a bunch of pillows
Breath them
I'm an ordinary woman
"A blue one", points out Pietro, "..not really ordinary"
With feelings
I like a man to nibble on my ear
"Too much information!", cries Pietro.
But I'll admit
No man has bit
"Actually, in the second act, Forge...", starts Pietro, only to have Mystique drown him out with her singing.
So how come
I'm the Mother of the Year?
"I doubt Kurt and Rogue would call you that", says Pietro.
Little cheeks, little teeth
Everything around me is
Little
Mystique sighs, sitting on her chair, and begins to wring the neck of a doll
If I wring little necks
Surely I would get an acquittal
She sighs, running over to her mirror, which has socks draping from it
Some women are dripping with diamonds
Some women are dripping with pearls
Lucky me, lucky me
Look at what I'm dripping with
Little girls
She pulls the socks off ehr mirror and tosses them over her shoulders. In the background, we can hear the girls arguing
"Wanda, you cheated!", shouts Amara
"Did not!", shouts Wanda
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Too! Too-o-o!"
"Not! No-o-o-t!"
"Shut u-u-up!", screams Mystique.
Mystique collapses on her bed and throws the covers over her face, them pulls back, finding one of Danielle's moccasins in the bed
How I hate little shoes, little socks
And each little bloomer
I'd have cracked years ago
If it weren't for my sense of humour
She tosses the moccasin out of the door, and we hear an 'ow' from someone. Mystique slams her door shut again and does a little dance.
Someday I'll step on their freckles
She grabs some stocking and straightens them out
Some night I'll straighten their curls
She holds her hands in a prayer, looking to the ceiling
Send the flood, send the flu
Anything that you can do to
Little girls
She sits down on her ottoman, covering herself with laundry
Someday I'll land in the nuthouse
With all the nuts and the squirrels
There I'll stay, tucked away
'Till the prohibition of
She pauses, pulling up a half-eaten lollypop
Liiiiiiitle
Giiiiiirrrrrlllllls
She closes herself into her walk-in wardrobe
"..Mystique, you haven't gone off the deep end have you?", Pietro pauses, "….Mystique?"
……
"…..Can someone get her out of there?", asks Pietro.
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And there we go wow 5 acts up! I'm determined to get at least all but the Wild Wild West parody (and possibly Knights Tale) done before I got back to uni next month, so I don't have too many projects looming scarily over me. Boo. Do review. Until next time…