Rahne
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "For my last birthday, you gave me a hug"
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ACT 12 - A song and a scheme
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Over in the orphanage, a radio is playing...with Magneto singing)
"I take it back", says Magneto, "this is worse than being a narrator"
But, brother
You're never fully dressed without a smile
Wanda is looking out of the window, once the coast is clear, she whistles, as Magneto's singing debut continues, Rogue and Amara peek their heads out from behind a door upstairs. Dani appears out of a cloak closet, and Jubilee comes out of another door
"Ahh the lovely Boylan sisters", says Magneto, trying his very best to sound cheerful.
We can hear Destiny, Kitty and Gabrielle singing along, while X23 walks moodily out of her room, the other girls now surrounding the radio. Once the Boylan's stop singing, Magneto carries on with his programme.
"And so, Rahne", he says, getting a look of shock from the girls, "as we come to the end of another programme, we'd like to thank you"
"Thank you, Mr Lehnsherr", says Rahne
"It's Rahne on the radio!", says Wanda
"Who cares?", says X23, rolling her eyes.
"Shhh!", says Amara
"Don't you 'shhh' me!", snaps X23.
"And remember all out there", says Magneto, "Warren Worthington is offering fifty thousand dollars to the couple who can prove they are Rahne's parents"
The girls stare at the radio in shock
"Fifty thousand dollars!", repeats Rogue
"This is Eric Lehnsherr saying, smile, darn ya, smile", there is an ugh sound, "...I need a new job"
"Stop complaining, Pops", says Pietro.
X23 pushes Dani off the table and turns the radio off
"Good-night!", says X23
The girls start to have a yelling match over this
"That's my favourite!", whines Dani
"You're a bunch of saps", snaps X23, "Who cares if Rahne was on the radio?"
"I do!", says Dani
"Me too!", says Wanda, "I think it'd be fun to be on the radio….really, it's always been a dream of mine"
She gets some blank looks.
"What, I can beat people up but I can't want to be on the radio?", she asks with a sniff.
She picks up the telephone, speaking into it like a microphone, doing a very good impression of her father
"This is Eric Lehnsherr saying.."
Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan
Ya both got your style
"…..That's slightly frightening", blinks Magneto as the girls join in.
But, brother
You're never fully dressed without a smile
Wanda grins, standing on the desk
Your clothes may be
Beau Brummell-y
They stand out a mile
But, brother
You're never fully dressed without a smile
X23 growls as Pietro jabs her with a long pole held at arms length.
"Fine, I'll sing!", she snaps.
Who cares what they're wearing
On Main Street or Savile Row
It's what you wear from ear to ear
X23 snatches the 'mic' from Wanda, pushing her off the desk to sing into it herself
And not from head to toe
Dani take the 'mic' herself to sing.
That matters
Wanda snatches the 'mic' again
"Ahh, the lovely Boylan sisters", she says.
Jubilee, Rogue and Amara begin to dance down the stairs, singing.
Do do do lo do do
Do do do lo do
Do do do do do do do
So Senator, so janitor
So long for a while
Remember you're never fully dressed without a smile
Wanda grabs a hat from a hat rack and she, and the other girls dance around
"Dance, Sis, dance!", giggles Pietro.
"I'll poke your eyes out!", snaps Wanda
"I don't even know how to dance", says X23, colliding with various objects.
Wanda jumps on the table to tap-dance with Dani before all the girls go back to the floor
Who cares what they're wearing
On Main Street or Savile Row
It's what you wear form ear to ear
Dani pushes herself to the front
And not from head to toe
The girls pull her back to the line
That matters
So Senator
So janitor
So long for a while
Remember you're never fully dressed
Though you may wear the best
You're never fully dressed
Without a smile
Smile, smile
Smile, baby, smile!
They giggle, gathering back to the radio when Mystique bursts in
"Do I hear happiness in here?", she snarls.
The girls instantly stop laughing
"I still see smiles", warns Mystique.
The girls get rid of their smiles
"You stink of booze, Mystique", says Pietro, wrinkling his nose
Shut up, you", hics Mystique, swaying slightly, "both of you. That's more like it"
"Miss Darkholme, Rahne was on the radio", says Dani
"They're sending out a search call for Rahne's parents", says Jubilee.
"And there's a fifty thousand dollar reward!", grins Wanda.
Mystique blinks
"Well, how do you like them apples?", she says, then blinks, "…apples?"
"Isn't it great?", says Wanda.
"Great", mutters Mystique, "Get to bed! Before I paddle ya!"
The girls scoot off out of the room, Rogue pauses at the door
"But what about our dinner?"
"What about it", asks Mystique
"And you claim you're not a lousy mom", mutters Rogue, "... You didn't give us any"
"'Cause I knew you were gonna be bad, so I punished ya ahead of time", says Mystique, "Now scatter!"
The girls rush out of the room, leaving Mystique to sit at her desk
"Fifty thousand dollar reward", she shakes her head, rooting around for more booze, "I hate that kid so much, I could be her mother"
As if on cue a blue furry elf with a pair of glasses and fake moustache on knocks on the door, entering the office quietly
"Excuse me", says 'Not Kurt'.
"If you're gonna rob the place, start by taking the orphans", says Mystique
"Actually, miss", says 'Not Kurt', "the wife and I..."
He gestured for a blonde also wearing a pair of glasses to come in
"Ve're Ralph and Shirley Mudge, by the vay", he says, "Ve vere looking for vhoever runs this place"
"You're looking at her, person who I really don't know", she shakes her head in disgust, "..and you call yourself the son of a shapeshifter"
"I'm don't shapeshift!", says 'Ralph', "Then, um, maybe you can help us. You see, about eleven years ago, we left our little baby here"
"She was a little boy", 'Shirley' blinks, "...I mean, girl. It's just so hard to tell when they have no hair, right, honey?"
"You mean, you're Rahne's parents?", asks Mystique, "...You non-Scottish people?"
"Yes", smiles 'Ralph'.
"I don't believe it", says Mystique, "surprisingly"
'Shirley' groans, taking off her hat, showing herself to be, in fact, Tabby. Big shock.
"I told ya she wouldn't believe us", she says
"Wait a minute", blinks Mystique, "Nighty!"
Kurt grins, taking off his fake moustache
"You gotta admit, Sis, ve fooled you, huh?", grins Kurt, "Kurt Vagner, Master of Disguise!"
Backstage, Pietro gives a snort.
"Right up until your girlfriend there opened her trap", says Mystique, "Nighty, you sure know how to pick 'em"
Tabby giggles, not picking up Mystique's sarcasm
"Don't he though?", she asks.
"Ravey, ve're gonna blow this town vith all the dough ve'll ever need", says Kurt, "I got a plan"
Mystique groans, getting out a bottle so whiskey and pouring it into three shot glasses
"I bet it's foolproof", she says dryly.
"One hundred percent", nods Kurt, "Ve're gonna fool Vorthington and grab those fifty G's"
"You and every other con artist this side of the Hudson", snorts Mystique.
"I think you've had enough to drink, Mystique", says Pietro.
"I'll decide when I've had enough to drink, damnit!", snaps Mystique.
"Yep, but those other cons ain't got an artiste vorkin' over in Brookyln, making fake birth certificates", grins Kurt
"..Keep talking", says Mystique
"And those other cons ain't got a moth", Kurt pauses, "..sister, vho knows all there is to know about the kid"
"Yeah, yeah I know all about Rahne", says Mystique, "I also know Miss St Regis here ain't got the brains for the job"
"HEY!", says Tabby.
"She makes one slip, and we all end up behind bars for life", says Mystique.
"Yeah, you're right", says Kurt, "Tabby's out"
Kurt pushes Tabby off the table
"Meep!", says Tabby
"Sorry!", winces Kurt
"And I'm in", says Mystique, "Sorry, sister".
"But..", blinks Tabby.
"Now, about the fifty grand", says Mystique, "Here's the split, half for me, half for you two"
"...Deal", says Kurt
Tabby stand up, pushing in between the pair
"Hey! Wait a gosh-darned minute!"
"You want to be cut out of the deal completely?", snaps Mystique
"Heck, no!", says Tabby
"Then stop whining!", says Mystique, then looks at Kurt, ""One last detail, Nighty"
"Shoot", says Kurt
"Rahne", says Mystique, "Once we got the kid, what do we do with her?"
Kurt takes a deep breath, then prepares for his evil line. He pulls out a switch blade and makes a cut-throat motion
"I make her.. disappear"
"Well done", says Pietro
"That vas very hard", says Kurt, "Then be head straight for.."
"Straight for where, Nighty?", blinks Tabby, "…as if we didn't already know"
Easy Street, sings Kurt, the others joining in.
Easy Street
That's where we're gonna
They clinks their glasses together, downing their drink
Beeeeeeeee
Kurt sticks his knife into the paper with Rahne's picture on it
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Click on!