S.S. Winno - It is evening, Wakka and Tidus have discovered a trio of crazy old men in the Guest Quarters. They have something that Tidus really wants.
"Look, Yuna, isn't it great?" Tidus asked, pointing at the sword a wizened old man was holding. The broad blade was as black as night, its shiny surface adorned with small, comet like swirls. The cross guards were silver, and its hilt was wrapped in black leather, with a silver knob on the end that was inscribed with a water dragon.
"It is a beautiful sword, and well-made, too." Yuna agreed. Wakka snorted and turned to the Summoner. "Beautiful? It's cool , ya?"
"You got that right!" Tidus replied. "I wonder if he'll sell it to me. Come on." He pulled Yuna along as he trotted over to the old man and his two companions, who sat on the floor conversing.
"That's a nice sword you got there," Tidus began, joining them on the floor. The old men regarded him suspiciously; the young people these days were tricky, and unscrupulous. They wouldn't hesitate to knock you down, steal your money, your shoes, and your dog, then turn around and try to sell them back to you at jacked up prices. The old man griped the sword tighter. Yuna stepped in, seeing that Tidus had the tact of a falling brick. "Excuse me good sirs," she said politely, doing a quick blessing. "But my friend would like to inquire as to whether that sword is for sale."
Tidus and Wakka held their breaths as the old men put their heads together and mumbled amongst themselves. One looked at them and worked his toothless gums for a long moment. Tidus did not like the look of the old prunes. Old people were crafty creatures. They mumbled about you behind your back, they all had the Evil Squint, they made strange noises, you had to yell for them to hear you, and they smelled funny. These ones looked crazy on top of all that.
"We have decided," and old man dressed in red croaked. "That yes, the sword is for sale,"
"Yes!" Tidus and Wakka hissed in unison.
"But,"
"But?"
"Butt?"
"No, But."
"Who has no butt?"
"No," Wakka said patiently as the old man's mind wandered down the hall and out the door. "About the sword, how much gil do you want for it?"
"Uh, Wakka," Tidus hissed his voice tight with alarm "We're short on gil."
"How short?"
"A lot short. All we have is 75, and that sword is worth at least 2279!"
"Gil!" The old man cried in amusement. "Dear boy, we don't want gil!"
"We don't?" The old man holding the sword asked.
"No, we don't." the red clothed one snapped.
"I say, could you repeat that?"
"I said, No!"
"What?"
"NO!"
"Oh. Did you hear that, young man? We don't want your gil!"
"Your pardon, sirs," Yuna once again stepped in with a reassuring glance at Wakka and Tidus, who both wore long faces. "Are you wanting to trade something for the sword?"
"Yes." the old man in red replied. He seemed to be the spokesperson for the group. "Yes young Lady, a trade it is."
"I've got this really neat sword we could trade with." Tidus offered, brining out Caladblog. Wakka's eyes widened in alarm and he made a strangled sound.
"What?" Tidus replied defensivly.
"That's your Legendary Weapon! What's wrong with you?"
"Relax. It has No AP. I never found the Sun Sigil." Tidus whispered.
"No. We don't want a sword for a sword. We want something…bigger."
Wakka rubbed his hands through his hair, patience wearing thinner than Shiva's cloak. "What do you want?"
The three old men huddled together in deep, heated discussion. Tidus and Wakka stood impatiently through the wheezing, hacking, and other less flattering old man noises.
"We have decided." Croaked the old man in red as he and his companions shuffled forward, stiffly jerking their knobby limbs along.
"What are we going to trade for?" Tidus piped up eagerly. The old man holding the sword gave him one of those silly gummy grins. Tidus got the feeling that the old guy was a few players short of a blitz ball team. The old man cackled a little as he sidled up to Wakka and Tidus, fixing them with one filmy eye. The old man, after glancing at his companions who waved him on, hacked and straightened his hunched spine.
" We will trade you this sword for the moon."
"The moon!"
"What? Did I stutter young man?" The elder wheezed at Tidus, who stood gape-mouthed.
"We want the moon."
"Why?" Tidus asked in shock.
The old men glanced at each other, and Tidus became aware that all reason had given up limping gamely along side insanity long ago. The ring leader replied "Because a goddess lives on it, and we wants to…get to know her real good." he winked at Tidus and Wakka. They suddenly felt sick.
"I'm sorry, sirs," Yuna said politely "But that is impossible. There is no way to give you the moon. Not even a Summoner can command the moon."
Yuna continued respectfully arguing with the shuffling, mumbling trio, while Tidus started thinking. "Wakka, I want that sword!" he said in a crazed whisper, clutching Wakka's shirt-front. "There has to be a way to get it."
"These old men are tricky, and crazy, ya? How we gonna get the sword? Last time I checked, we didn't have a moon in our inventory, brudda."
"We just have to outsmart them." Tidus said, "Now shut up and let me think!" He stood in silence, neural pathways firing like a psycho with a machine gun. Random ideas streaked through his head, most falling into obscurity as they were discarded. Finally, one made it through the spaghetti ball of his mind and sat atop the pile of discarded ideas like a big mental meat ball, still steaming with the heat of creation.
"Hey, old geezers!"
Forgetting about Yuna, and the argument, the crusty trio turned to squint at Tidus. The boy looked the old men in the eyes and grinned triumphantly. Auron, along with the remaining guardians, decided to walk in right then, wondering where the trouble-makers had gotten too. They found out, and wished they had not.
"Here's your moon!" Tidus yelled, spinning around and yanking his pants down. The two motions were so perfectly executed that they appeared to be one move, and gave the old men and Tidus' own companions no time for thought. When the mental mushroom cloud cleared, their minds were a wasteland more desolate than the depths of the farplane. The mental silence was so still that the first dazed thought to evolve from the mass extinction roared from Auron's head and echoed through the heads of the two groups. After a long pause their brains re-organized their hemispheres and the traffic jam in their ocular nerves finally made it to the occipital lobe. Yuna uttered a belated gasp of horror.
"What'da ya think about that!" Tidus sneered, unaware of the mental destruction he had caused. The old men squinted at Tidus backside then turned to each other and began murmuring and gesturing at each other. Tidus took the time to pull up his pants and give Wakka a confident grin. Wakka glanced wide-eyed from Lulu to Tidus, unsure of how to react. Rikku giggled nervously until she caught and eyeful of Auron's murderous frown. Kimahri remained unmoved, or shocked senseless. It was hard to tell with him.
The old men ended their discussion and turned to Tidus. The ringleader stroked his grizzled chin and cleared his phlemy throat.
"You have yourself a trade young man." The wrinkled old man with the sword said with a grin, holding out a trembling hand. Tidus grasped the hand, which felt like a sock full of dice, and gave it a hearty shake, causing the old man to shake like an old skeleton.
"Here you go, young man." The ringleader creaked as he handed over the sword. "My Precious!" Tidus said as he took it reverently, then held it up for everyone to see. Wakka grabbed Rikku by the hands and swung her in a circle while he laughed triumphantly.
"What is it called?" Tidus asked as his companions crowded around to look at the obsidian blade.
"It is called 'Moon Cleaver'.
"Moon Cleaver!"
"Yep. We were gonna call it 'Crack Splitter'."
Tidus thanked the men and made his escape. Once Yuna and the remaining guardians were gone, the old man who had said barely a word during the whole affair, pulled out a sphere from the recesses of his cloak. "Did you get that?" the red clad elder asked. The other man replied with a toothless gape-grin, and held up the sphere. I also gots the one that man gave me. You know, the one from the Blessing? He even paid me 2,000gil to make copies of it."
"That's one backside the lasses in Luca will pay out the nose to have a sphere of." he cackled. "We'll be raking in the gil in no time."
This goes to show that crazy old men are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. And not as innocent as they seem.