Chapter Eight: Unaware the Air was Thick
Lily lay in bed the next morning, letting all of the crazy thoughts and feelings she had experienced the night before to simply buzz themselves silly in her head. Stupid, annoying, arrogant James Potter. Why was she suddenly feeling like this? She was sixteen for Merlin's sake. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, he had no right to do this to her. Lily was an avid student and always listened extraordinarily carefully to every word a teacher said, but now, as she lay in her bed with the full knowledge that she was missing Defence Against the Dark Arts, she found she didn't care very much. This was not like her, especially with OWLs coming up. She rolled over in her soft bed and went back to sleep as the castle woke up around her.
James sat in Defence Against the Dark Arts, not taking in a single word that Professor Raffling was saying about jinxes that would come up in the exam. He knew everyone there was to know after all. He too, was also miserable about the previous evening. As he had thought earlier, he knew he should be excited at how close they had got and how she had called him James. Were she any other girl, James would keep up the charm and most probably get what he wanted in a matter of days. However, as he thought about the way Lily had sincerely said, almost pleaded that she didn't want to be a 'conquest', he knew it would be different. He almost felt guilty about the way she had wanted to react. He didn't want to charm her with seduction. (Well. Not completely.) He wanted to know her, to be with her, to talk to her, to kiss her without being hexed into oblivion . . .
"Oi, Prongs, wake up!" nudged Sirius. He looked unnerved at his best friend's lack of interest in his favourite subject.
James jerked out of his trance and looked wearily at Sirius. "What?"
Lupin shook his head towards the angry Professor standing at the front of the class, hands on hips, looking very peeved at his student's lack of attention.
"Mr Potter?" he snapped. The rest of the class turned to look at James.
"Uh huh?" said James casually, not really feeling like a conversation at the moment with a teacher he did not get on with. Professor Raffling was a sanctimonious little weasel with a grudge against students who had superior talent to him. Students like James.
"Would you kindly remind me why it is OK for you, and you alone, to not pay an ounce of attention in my class during these very challenging upcoming weeks?"
James blinked and looked around at Lupin for some source of information of what Raffling had been previously talking about. Lupin's expression remained blank and worried.
"Well, not right now," James said lamely.
There was a smattering of soft laughter from the class. Professor Raffling snorted.
"Oh, I do apologise. Is this a bad time for you Mr Potter? Too early for Quidditch champions?" he said scathingly. "But of course, since you seem to know all of this very well already, why don't you come up to the front of the class and show them all how to do a perfect Impediment Jinx?"
James sighed and snatched his wand from across the table. He dragged his feet up to the front of the class and looked wearily at Raffling.
"Now, Potter, I want you to jinx this Dummy," (he conjured one, which twitched to show it's movement and how much damage had been caused, out of thin air,) "and show me that you have been paying attention." Raffling was clearly looking forward to an opportunity to embarrass James. Sirius, Peter and Lupin however, grinned. They knew James too well.
With a lazy flick of his wand, James muttered "Impedimenta", and the Dummy soared into the air and landed with a thud on it's back, all twitching ceased. The class applauded. The other Marauders were roaring with laughter.
Raffling looked faintly surprised. "How . . . you . . . that was . . . very well. Class dismissed."
On the whole, (or in Lupin's opinion,) the OWL's they were forced to endure for the next week went surprisingly well. Defence Against the Dark Arts went well for all of them; James in particular, who also excelled in Transfiguration more than the rest of them despite them being unregistered Animagi. The only subject Peter would have got high marks on was Herbology whereas Sirius and Lupin did reasonably well in every single subject.
"Well, just think, it could have gone a lot worse," said Lupin as they began to pack their things to leave for the summer. They were panting as they had just run down the corridor with Sirius, who was attempting to get out of the clutches of Arabella Figg, who had attempted to collar him into giving her a well-done kiss.
"Yeah, Peter's potion could have burned off Avery's entire arm and not just the fingers, I guess," said Sirius, smirking.
"Oh yeah?" said Peter, as Sirius touched a nerve. "Well, at least my cactus didn't bite off Marietta's nose!"
"Oh, I hear Madame Pomfrey has been able to fix it back on now," said Sirius still grinning, unfazed by the previous events. "Shame it wasn't Snape. His nose could certainly do with a slight reduction."
"What's up, Prongs?" asked Lupin, stuffing robes into a suitcase as Peter guffawed, for James was looking morose once more.
"I haven't spoken to her since," he said glumly. They all knew what he was talking about yet asked anyway out of politeness.
"Since what?"
"Since our . . . 'moment!'" he said indignantly as though it was a disgrace if this subject was not constantly plaguing each and every one of his friend's minds as it was his.
"Well," said Sirius gently. "Why don't you go and talk to her now? Before the holidays?"
James contemplated it. "You know, Padfoot, that's a good idea." And he strode out of the dormitory, leaving the Marauders behind him grinning between themselves.
James shuffled along corridors, passing moving portraits as he went. There was not much movement about the castle; he presumed everyone was taking advantage of the free time and packing. He then realised he was going in the wrong direction for the girls' dormitories. He turned around, passing suits of armour, clunking happily away, not really looking where he was going. He was rather surprised when he saw Snape walking towards him, a similar glum look about him, however, his lank hair, which was continuously flopping, did accentuate the expression.
Snape stopped in his tracks and looked up and down the deserted corridor. James knew that he was checking for the sign of a teacher.
"All right, Snivelly?" he said in his most disdainful voice, determined to provoke a response despite his recent feelings of remorse against his oldest enemy.
Snape grimaced and went to pull his wand out of his pocket but James called out, and surprisingly, Snape stopped for a second.
"Oh, come on, Sniv," he said in a mocking voice of seriousness. "You know that you and I have a special bond now."
Snape threw him a filthy look. "The only bond I'd want with you is one where your head dangles from a string attached to my hand."
James drew in breath sharply. "Ouch, harsh words, Sniv, you'd have thought someone would be a little bit more grateful once someone else had saved . . . oh, say, their life?"
Snape hissed. "I don't have to be grateful just because old Dumbledore says so. You were saving your own skin as much as mine, Potter. You and Black would both have been expelled if I'd have . . ."
"Died, yes," said James casually. "But how would you have been able to prove it were us, if you were dead, for example?"
Snape shot him a disdainful look. "I'd have killed the werewolf, that's what I would have done."
He had struck a nerve. James narrowed his eyes and spoke in a low voice. "Sirius or me probably would have finished you off anyway, if you had."
A sneer curled the corner of Snape's tight and unpleasant lip. "Ah, yes. Lupin, the other best friend. The half-breed ".
"Shut up!" hissed James furiously as though someone passing would realise what they were talking about. "You gave Dumbledore your word, Snivellus," he said even more spitefully than Snape. "YOU'LL be the one expelled if you're not careful. And however much you play up to it, you'd never disobey him."
Snape continued to sneer nastily, and it unnerved James. Snape now had a different kind of weapon, and knowledge could be a dangerous thing.
"As I said. I don't have to be grateful for anything, Potter."
James regained himself and forced a fake smile again. "Oh, I am SO relieved. Here was I, terrified that perhaps we might actually have to be civil to one another. How boring would that be, eh, Sniv?"
Snape moved forwards, wand still in hand, but instead brushed past James, hitting him roughly in the shoulder as he went, seemingly deciding against open conflict for once.
Lily had also thought that her OWL's had gone fairly well. If only she hadn't have missed that Defence Against the Dark Art's lesson that Friday, so close to the exams, she might have got one more mark. She had known the answer to that stupid question about the elemental laws of animal transformations. If only she had looked over her notes beforehand.
It was all Potter's fault. They hadn't spoken since, since the . . . thing. Lily hadn't even been sure of what the "thing" was, but she was glad that she hadn't spoken to James. No sooner had this thought left her mind, there was a knock at the dormitory door.
"Come in," she called whilst stuffing a long Muggle skirt into her suitcase, readying herself for home once more.
"Uh, hello?" came an unsure male voice which was trying to sound as mature as possible.
Lily spun around and came face to face with James, who was wearing an almost cheeky expression of someone who knew they should not really be there.
"What are you doing in here?" she hissed. "You shouldn't be in here!"
"You said come in!" breathed James in an indignant whisper, feeling as though he should keep his voice down, like Muggles did in that church thing.
"I didn't know it was you!" she said, following his lead and almost whispering.
"Why are we whispering?" he said in the same tone.
Lily grabbed his arm, shooed him outside and shut the door behind them. "Because you're not allowed to be in here," she said. "This is a girl's dormitory. And last I looked, you were not a girl."
There was a pause, as they stood on the stairs, quite alone and uncomfortable. Lily cursed herself for letting this situation happen again. Why was she alone with him?
"So, er . . . still talking to me then?" he asked stupidly.
Lily shrugged off the question. "What do you want?" she asked. It demanded an answer and James was not really sure he had one.
James grabbed wildly around in his mind for a subject that they both had in common. "So, how did your OWLs go?"
Lily looked at him sideways, a crease between her eyebrows. "Just fine, thank you."
James nodded stupidly. There was an uncomfortable pause.
"What are you doing here, Potter?" Lily asked sharply. "Don't you have anything better to do?"
"I just wanted to . . . um . . . clear the air." His heart began to pound. Why did he have to go red now? Why did he have to turn into a living beetroot when he was trying to be the coolest, most good looking guy in the school?
"I wasn't aware the air was thick," she said flatly. She began to tap her foot quietly. It was nothing to do with impatience; she just wanted a distraction so she didn't have to focus on him. But why did she need a distraction? Why?
"Well, it was for me," he said truthfully. "And I know you know what I mean."
Lily tilted her head to the left and folded her arms. "I'm afraid I don't," she lied. "You're chattering rubbish, as usual."
"Look, Lily, I don't want to leave it like this, OK? I'm not going to apologise for what almost happened . . ."
She cut him off. "Nothing almost happened!"
" . . . For what almost happened, because I couldn't have helped it," he continued as though there had been no interruption. "And if I apologised, it would mean taking back the moment."
"There was no moment!" she continued, trying desperately to convince herself as much as him.
"What are you so afraid of?" he said bluntly, meaning every word he said. He wanted to know why. Why she couldn't be free with him and stop lying because he knew she was.
"We're not having this conversation again, and I'm not afraid of anything. There's nothing to be afraid of because nothing will happen."
James looked away, hurt. "Don't say that."
Lily signed and looked away also. "You're acting like we've broken up from a huge relationship, Potter! Nothing has ever happened between us, so stop being so melodramatic. I don't like you, you don't really like me. You just think you do, because I'm one of the only girls you haven't yet nailed in this school. Whether or not we shared a life-threatening situation and I thanked you for saving my life ... it doesn't change that."
James looked back into her green eyes, ignoring what she said.
"So, that night in the common room, you're trying to tell me that there was nothing happening between us?" he said almost resentfully, not wanting to know her answer, not wanting to hear that she didn't feel the same way.
Lily said nothing, still looking at him.
"What do you think this is?" he asked her. Lily snorted
"It's an argument! It's you reacting badly to my answer of no again! When are you going to accept that I just don't want to go out with you?"
"No," he argued. "It isn't an argument. It's chemistry. There is something between us, Lily, whether you want to admit it or not."
"No, there's not."
"Yes there is. And what happened last night only just opened your eyes up to it."
But even as she had her retort ready, she knew that her answer sounded weak. He was wearing her down, gradually. James could see it in her face, and was waiting for it to reach her brain.
Still she said nothing. James thought she was probably doing some really quick thinking, but could not get the solution out of her mouth. Lily's mind was racing, her heart was pounding, her mouth numb. She had to say something, anything, but would it be the truth?
"What do you want from me?" she said, an element of defeat in her tone. James was momentarily stumped. What did he want from her?
"I ... I don't know. I want you to stop lying to yourself."
There was a pause, "Give me time," she said slowly.
She actually saw James's hazel eyes light up. There was a fire behind them that she had only seen when he had been really passionate about something.
Give her time? Well, that had to mean something positive, didn't it? He was just going to ask her what she meant, although he thought he knew perfectly well what she meant, when the door opened behind them.
"What are you two shouting about?" said Marietta, who had come to see where Lily had gone.
Lily turned and shook her head.
"Oh, hi James!" said Marietta cheerfully, fluttering her eyelashes again. A week before, James would have entertained this attention but now, all he wanted was to talk to Lily.
"Hi," he said distractedly, a hand going tiredly to his messy hair.
"How did your exams go?" Marietta said, and then not really waiting for an answer, "Did you want to go to the last Hogsmead weekend today?"
James ignored her. "Um, Lily . . ."
She turned to his surprise.
"I'll, um . . . owl you." It sounded so stupid. What use were letters? What use were owls? They were right here, right now, surely they could sort this out. But a voice in the back of his head, namely Lupin's, who constantly reminded him of the little important things, said, "Listen to what she said.' 'Right,' he thought. 'Give her time.'
The Hogwarts Express grinded to a sooty halt at Kings Cross station, and through the window James could see his father waiting outside with a trolley, ready and waiting.
"Are you sure it's OK to stay?" said Sirius urgently to his best friend out of politeness, not meeting his eyes. He knew it would be; he had stayed at the Potter's countless times before. But there was always that invisible line; he was not family.
"Don't be ridiculous," said James, who had no notion of an invisible line. Sirius was, as far as he was concerned, his brother. "You ran away, you prat. You can hardly crawl back with your tail between your legs to that horrific Grimmauld Place, can you? Oh, ha! Get it? Your tail!"
They gathered their belongings and patted each other on the back. "See ya, Wormtail, oh, Moony, give us an owl about full moon, OK?" James added mysteriously.
Lupin and Peter said their goodbyes and disappeared through the barrier, Peter with a short, mousy haired woman chewing on her fingernails who could only have been his mother, and Lupin with a tall man with a lined, yet kind face, known as his older brother Romulus to James and the others.
"All right, you two? What is it with those nicknames? They make no sense at all . . ." said James's father as he took their trunks and piled them onto the trolley.
"They make perfect sense," muttered James with a grin to his best friend.
Sirius smiled feebly and looked up at the older man. "Mr Potter, are you sure you don't mind? It's the whole of summer . . ."
James's father waved an impatient hand. "Oh, don't be foolish boy, you're as welcome as James is. You can hardly go back to . . . well." Mr Potter always refrained of bad mouthing Sirius's family although it was plain he did not agree with what they believed in; only Pureblood wizards were the type who had the right to life.
"Yes, of course it's OK. My wife will be delighted someone else will eat her cooking," he looked sternly at James. "Unlike some. And yes I mean you."
Sirius beamed.
Just as they left through the barrier to the Muggle world once more, he saw her. Lily was greeting her Muggle parents, who looked slightly nervous at being surrounded by wizards, with a hug. She seemed overjoyed to see her parents, clutching her mother's arm. When she drew back, she looked over. His heart soared as her eyes met his, and for one amazing second, he thought she smiled at him. It was a true smile, not a fake or forced one, and as he left the station, his mind was already on the first letter he would send her.