CHAPTER 13..:::::.. Fear of a Name
Disclaimer: All that I own is the plot, *yawns widely and cannot be bothered to poke, prod and beat disclaimer with spare twig from garden*.
A/N:* Argh I tell you what, this site is staring to irritate me to an extreme of suicide. Sometimes it lets me log in, sometimes it doesn't. I suppose it's better than never ever being able to get in. I do sympathise with people who don't have the Internet. Anyway, let's get on with this!
Fashiondiva: Lol I do hope you are being sarcastic . . . Lol. How are the pills coming along? *is scared of the grinch like face*. Lol, I love the choconet thing, very funny. And, oh yes, Rosie knows all, but you will have to wait and see my dear Diva. Please send the angry pitch fork carrying villagers some other direction by the way else I ay have to unleash my tae quan do. Lol.
Templa Otmena: Yo there, thank you so much for your reviews, they're so inspiring and I really look forward to reading them. Did you mean that Bloomsbury reprinted the books to say that James comes out of the wand before Lily, or that that was actually the mistake that JK made? Ah, well it doesn't matter. I can't believe I have to eventually kill them off. *sniffs*. It's so traumatic! Oh well. These things happen.
Vega Black: Yeah I know, I was looking through the first book yesterday! *is now embarrassed at admitting that Harry Potter is ALL she reads*.
Padfoot79: Hmm, I'm thinking that Padfoot should stick all of his chocolate up Wormtail's mousy nose, but yes. I imagine Sirius's good side was brought out as he gave him some.
Szhismine: Yay! Someone got it at last. Lol. Glad you didn't find it funny! *Rosie begs you to repeatedly kick server as perhaps if we all do it, it may get the message*.
MeLissa: Lol yeah I'm glad I didn't throw it out of the window; else you would have no more story! Argh! Tragic!
Lily Pad: In answer to your "yay?" the answer is, "Yay!" I'm able to get in at the moment. For now . . .
Tv-fan-06 : You don't have to tell me to review! It's my story! Lol. You're the one who should review! Lol.
Akira Gown: It's OK, will forgive you for not reviewing. Yeah, the slang with Sirius is just really to show how much of a prat he is, and with the Healer, I made him particularly old so they would fool him, *has no idea where the notion of uncles came from and apologises*. And no, Lily doesn't know YET about Lupin or nicknames or the fact that her future husband and his three friends are Animagi . . . but that's for future chapters. As for the dreams, it's my belief that the Potters are kind of special, as they spawn the son that is to defeat the darkest wizard of all times, so despite the fact that they both hate Divination, I thought it kind of made sense for them to experience either prophetic dreams or even visions of the future. Oh, and the owl to Lupin and Peter was from James's parents. Or perhaps Dumbledore. I haven't decided yet. Lol. That bloke knows everything anyway.
Inkling: Lol, yeah, I sa trying to convey the similarities between Potter and son with the broomstick accidents! Lol. The dream sequences are indeed about the future . . . hmm. Guess you'll have to wait and see!
Drops-of-winter: Sorry, I'd already written this chapter before I read your review! Lol. Sorry, maybe I will later.
*HITS PLAY*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Seventh year is a big thing, you know, Prongs," said Sirius as they stood in Kings Cross Station in London on the platform 9 ¾ on the 1st of September a week later. James still had a faint bruise under his eye and his ribs were still painful, but never the less, there was no way he would have heeded his mother and stayed at home for an extra week like a normal person who would have jumped at the chance of doing so.
"So you keep saying, Padfoot," said James in reply as he hauled his trunk painfully behind him. "But am I right in believing what you are suggesting?"
"What?" said Sirius.
"Is Mr Black saying that perhaps we should tone our antics down in order to further our education?"
Sirius smirked. "On the contrary, my good friend. I am suggesting that as this is our last year, we should, well . . . Spice things up slightly."
James looked apprehensively sideways at his best friend.
"It's just, think about it. Where else could we wreak havoc as we do and not get sent to Azkaban, or never given jobs for the rest of our natural lives?"
"What do you have in mind?"
"Hmm. Well . . ."
Sirius grinned mischievously and was about to answer when a voice came from behind him. "What are you two planning now?" said Remus Lupin.
A taller, more surely looking man from behind him spoke before they could move away. "Think about what I said, Remus," said Romulus Lupin; Remus's brother.
"I will, now will you go home?" said Remus tiredly, "Please?" and watched as his brother disappeared through the barrier through to the Muggle world.
James looked at his other friend. "What did he say?" he asked.
Lupin shrugged. "Oh, he was just warning me about the whole werewolf thing. I think he knows perfectly well what we get up to every month. It's just his way of letting me know that he knows pretty much everything."
Sirius looked concerned. "Well, we are careful, aren't we?"
James frowned at Sirius. "Oh, yeah, of course we are. If you count nearly getting someone killed at the claws of Moony on purpose 'being careful'."
"Oh, you're not still going on about that, are you?" spat Sirius.
"James is right, Sirius," said Lupin seriously. "That little stint could have gotten you lot all into trouble as well, you know. Dumbledore would have figured it out that you accompany me every month."
"Yeah, the word, expelled comes to mind," said James earnestly.
"Oh come on, you two, have a little faith! We've never been caught in the two years we've done this, have we?"
"No, but – "
"And I've said I was sorry. Old Prongs here rescued Snivellus before you could say greasy. So we're all good. Let's stop talking about it."
Whether or not they would have stopped talking about it was never certain, as at that moment, Peter Pettigrew came into view, waving furiously.
"Guys! Hi! Wait for me!" He was trying to detach himself from his small mother, who was checking his bags, hissing at him like a snake.
"You'd best not've sneaked anythin' in 'ere, or I'll 'av you when you get 'ome," they could hear her, spitting with every syllable.
"I haven't mum, honest – "
"That's what you said last time, you little worm!"
"I haven't!" said Peter, but the three Marauders could tell when Peter was lying, and now was blatantly one of those cases. His mother, apparently, could not.
"I'll curse you if you 'av, I swear to Merlin's backside, you little puddle of –"
Peter planted a hurried and reluctant kiss on his mother's tight and bony cheek. "I've got to go now mum, I'll see you! Bye!" And he hurried off to his three friends, leaving her scowling.
"All right, Wormtail?" said James.
Peter tried to look as though the process he had just gone to was common practice and that it didn't affect him. "Oh, yeah, silly old bat."
They smirked, and were just about to board the train when a shriek came from behind them.
"JAMES!"
James spun around. "Oh, for Merlin's Sake, woman, what now?" he said to his mother.
"There is still time for you to change your mind, you know!" she said shrilly. "You can still stay at home!"
"Mum, we've been through this," said James quietly. "I'm fine. Now go away!"
Mr Potter came running up behind his wife. "Come on now, Maureen, the boy will be fine with his friends!"
Mrs Potter broke into yet another tirade of tears. "I know!" she spluttered. "But, but it's not just that – it's . . . it's V . . . V . . . oh, He Who Must Not Be Named!"
James rolled his eyes. "Mum, come on. Not now, eh?" he said in a voice of forced kindness. Sirius broke away from Lupin and Pettigrew, who was snickering again, to help James calm his mother, for whom he felt a great affection.
"Yeah, come on, Mrs Potter, Voldemort would be mad to take over Howarts! Remember Dumbledore?" he said, patting her arm.
Despite Sirius saying the real name of the Dark Lord, Mrs Potter overcame her wince and looked at both of them. "I suppose you're right," she said thickly through a damp tissue. "You're a good boy, Sirius, you look after them all, won't you?"
"And I'm not?" said James.
"And besides, He'd be mad to try anything with us lot either!" Sirius joked, looking around at his friends.
Mrs Potter nodded, accepted a kiss on the cheek from James and was lead away by her husband who patted James on the back.
Peter was still laughing lazily, as though it was false, but necessary.
"Shut up, Wormtail," snapped James.
When they had found a compartment, Peter was still sulking with a glowering expression and James looked around to all of them.
"She's not wrong, you know," he said after a few minutes of silent rocking along with the rhythm of the train.
"Don't over-exaggerate, Prongs," said Sirius thinly.
"No, I mean it. Didn't you hear about the Prewits only last week? The Longbottoms the month before?"
"Of course we heard," said Lupin quietly.
"Well, they were no ordinary people, were they? They were Aurors! Good ones!" James snapped testily.
The others were silent; it seemed that none of them wanted to talk about Voldemort.
"Look, all I'm saying is that we need to be on our guard."
Lupin shifted. "I know what you're saying, Prongs, it's just, well. Sirius is right. We've got Dumbledore."
James nodded. "I know."
"So, let's stop worrying, shall we?" said Sirius.
James shook his head. "I've just got this feeling . . . something's going to happen soon. Voldemort isn't going to hang around waiting for long."
Peter frowned even more. "Don't say the name!" he hissed. All three of them looked at him. Peter seemed to shrink under their gaze.
"Why not?" said Sirius seriously.
"Because!" hissed Peter.
"Because what? He might hear us?" said James sarcastically. "Fear of a name, Peter, only increases fear of the thing itself."
They were silent for most of the journey, Peter still sulking even all the way through the Great Feast.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Lily jerked suddenly awake. It must nearly have been morning. She was sweating; something that never usually happened during nightmares. It had been the same one, the one with the highly cold and piercing laughter and the petrified screaming. I just wish I knew what it all means! She thought frustratedly to herself. She traced a hand over her brow and swung her legs over the side of her bed and looked around her, as though a solution about the dream was hiding somewhere in a corner. Arabella and Marietta were sleeping soundlessly; not even a snore. Lily usually savoured the times when she woke up in her dormitory at school; the absence of Petunia's snores was something to appreciate, but now, she wished she were totally alone so she could clear her mind of this horrible dream that kept plaguing her in her sleep.
There was a girl's bathroom just outside of the dormitory, to the left. She flicked the light on and saw to her horror that she looked awful. She was white as a ghost and her hair was plastered down to her head. Lily took a flannel and wiped her face, taking a brush and smoothing out her hair. A chill suddenly crept over her and she reached for the pale blue silken dressing gown hanging up on the hook of the door.
I need a drink, she thought. Maybe I'm ill. Looking at last to her friends sleeping soundlessly, she crept down the stairs.
* * * * * *
James jerked suddenly awake. It must have been very early; a pink glow was almost radiating from over the hills; he could see it out of the open window. He was sweating, as he had done back in that hospital bed when he had had the same dream. The dream with highly cold and piercing laughter and the petrified screaming. James had only had this dream twice now, yet was already growing tired of it. Wish I knew what it meant, he thought to himself. He sat up slowly and looked around the room, as though something would suddenly become clear to him about the dream. It didn't.
There was a boy's bathroom just outside of the dormitory, to the right. He flicked the light on and saw, without much surprise that he looked awful. His face was white and filled with worry, his hair sticking up and looking even more messy than usual if that was even possible. James splashed his face with water and put some on his hair, not to make it lie flat because that would be impossible, but to tame it slightly.
I need a drink, he thought, and looking down at his pyjamas and then at the dressing gown on the door, he decided he would go as he was; in a vest top and blue pyjama trousers. He cast one more look to his sleeping friends, where there wasn't a sound except a real snore from Sirius. Satisfied, he crept down the stairs.
* * * * * *
Lily sat in front of the dying fire, creating mystical pictures before her eyes with the orange flames that danced mysteriously. If she tilted her head to the left, that flame next to the log almost looked like a dragon. But if she tilted it to the right, it looked like a pile of dragon dung. Lily had never had any patience with the art of Divination. Professor Trelawney had said that she possessed no mystical aura, and since Lily excelled with predicted O's in every other subject, she had dropped it after refusing any more to see things in the tealeaves of her pink china cup. She remembered now that James had also dropped Divination in the same year seeing as how he had only taken it because Sirius Black had. Don't think about him, thought Lily. It's unhealthy.
No sooner had she thought this however, there was a noise on the stairs behind her. She spun around and saw a very sheepish-looking James Potter making his way down them. Lily had not seen him since the hospital incident. He had not seen her in the chair, however, and wandered dreamily over to the sink without looking over. He filled a glass with water and stood by the wall, drinking it in one long gulp.
"Following me?" she asked, almost resentfully because she was trying her hardest.
James spat out his water all over the floor in surprise. "Merlin, Evans! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
"Yes," said Lily.
"Well, actually, no. I'm not following you, so you can un-flatter yourself right about now." James looked quickly away. What was he doing? Insulting the girl he was mad about? Smart move, James.
"Sorry," said Lily to his relief.
"No, it's OK. I just couldn't sleep."
"Join the club," said Lily resentfully, remembering the dream. Or nightmare.
"OK. You can be President. I'll be the caretaker if I have to."
Lily chanced a smile. "So, are you feeling better now then?"
"No," said James truthfully. "If I said I wasn't, they wouldn't have let me out. That bloody Healer and his exercises . . ."
"You really have a problem with good advice, don't you?"
"Not at all! Where do you get that idea from?" said James in indignation.
"Or perhaps, you just have a problem with authority."
James smirked. "Ah. Now that may be closer to the mark." Lily turned back to the fire. James felt he needed to keep the conversation going. "So come on, Lils. Spill to Uncle Jamsie. Why are you up?"
Lily frowned. For a second, she thought his use of the word uncle meant that Sirius had told him how they had gotten in to visit him and that she had lied to say she was his wife. But if he knew, he did not mention it.
"I don't really want to talk about it."
James paused. "Nightmare?"
She looked at him, looked into those deep, hazel eyes, seemingly wanting to know more, seemingly concerned. Maybe not seemingly, she thought. Maybe he really does care. She paused and then said, "Yes."
"Me too."
"Really?" she asked.
"Yeah. Like, a deja vous thing. But, only not really. Quite complicated really."
Lily was suddenly very interested. "Seriously? Because that's exactly how mine feel!" she said, almost excited at the prospect that the dreams might mean something.
"Really? Maybe we're having the same dream."
Lily made a pur-leaze face. "Yes, that may be true, if we shared the same mind, the same brain and the same motor functions."
James made a face of mock hurt. "Oh, Lily, there I went, thinking at last that we had some sort of connection."
"We do," she said out loud, and suddenly realised what she had said.
James sat down in the chair next to her, suddenly forgetting about the dream, suddenly feeling wide-awake. "We do?" he repeated.
Lily looked away, feeling she wished she could take back what she said, but she couldn't. "I just mean – what with the tree and everything."
It was James's turn to look away, slightly dismayed. "Oh, yeah. I guess. Oh, by the way, thanks. If it hadn't been for you, Sirius probably wouldn't have found me."
Lily looked back. "I wouldn't have known your Patronus."
"You'd have figured it out," he said. "So, thanks. I mean, you kind of saved my life. Or perhaps my limbs," he said on an after-thought.
Lily looked at him. "You saved mine," she said quietly.
James flushed. Why did he have to go red now? Was it really necessary? "Yeah, well . . . that was fluke really." James didn't really know why he was trying to be so modest about this, but he didn't want Lily to think his head was still fat, as she had so blandly put it that day at the lake.
"You've changed," she said plainly. "The old James Potter I knew and loathed would have had me forever in debt for that."
James chanced a chuckle. "Well, as I said. I guess we're equal now," he said, willing himself to appear mature enough for her to continue talking to him. He liked the sound of her voice.
"So I don't owe you anything?" she asked, a certain amount of apprehension in her voice.
James looked back at her, all redness gone. "How about honesty?"
"About what?" she asked, already knowing the answer.
"Your feelings for one."
Lily looked at the floor. "James, please don't . . ."
"Lily, I've been asking you out for how long now? Nearly three years? And you've said no every time. But I've still kept on asking. Doesn't that tell you something?"
Lily said nothing, but became very interested in the shadows on the carpet.
"You're right. I have changed."
Lily looked up. "You only changed because I wanted you to," she said, knowing it was true.
"Ah, there she goes again with the self-flattery," he joked. "Did it ever occur to you I changed because I had to? Because of things going on outside now that you need to be a little more mature for?"
Lily looked up. "Voldemort?"
James nodded. "You say his name."
"Yes. I've got no reason not to," she replied. "You do too. Didn't he kill your grandparents?" she asked in a softer tone.
James looked away. "A long time ago."
"I'm sorry," said Lily.
"Don't be," he said. "They didn't know us very well."
There was silence, as Lily thought of what she could say next and manage to keep her voice level at the same time. He wanted the truth? She could tell him how she felt, said a voice in her head. No, that's stupid, said another. It'd just go wrong, you know it would. Why? Why would it go wrong? Why did everything in her life have to go wrong? Why couldn't something go right for once? You have to be sure, if you're serious here. Sure of what? Sure that you do have feelings for him and it's not just his eyes, or the way he speaks to you now, or that he's saved your life.
James was trying to work out her expression; it was as though she were having a personal debate inside her head. Maybe I should go, he thought. She doesn't want to talk to me. He thought he should say something, anything, before he made his spectacularly awful exit.
"Lily, I –"
"You want the truth, James?" she said quickly, hurriedly, trying to get it out before it went wrong.
James was faintly surprised. "Yes . . ."
Lily stood up and began to pace.
"Lily, I just want to know why you hold back. When it's obvious that – "
"I don't trust myself with you, James."
The answer was so bland, so unexpected that James did not say anything for a minute. Lily looked away for a few seconds. "Don't – don't trust yourself?"
Lily sighed. "I'm just so . . . every thing has been so messed up in my life. My education . . . do you know I only got my letter two days before school term started?"
"No, I . . . I didn't know that."
"And my sister and her friends . . . other family not approving . . ." Lily laughed. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this."
"It's OK," prodded James. He desperately wanted to know more about her life.
"I suppose what I'm trying to say is that, these past years, everything has fallen into place. I've been doing well in school, Petunia's scared of me, things have just been simple."
James almost smiled.
"And when you finally change, after all those years of asking me . . . it just seems like everything will go haywire if I . . ."
"If you what? Finally trust yourself?"
Lily paused. "If I let you in."
James was surprised. Behind the defiant screen that Lily Evans appeared to project, here she was, telling him that there was something behind it. "Lily, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm not going to use you and leave you."
"Because you've never done that with any other girl?"
James grimaced. "Well, no . . ."
"What about Amanda Pollock?"
"She came on to me!"
"And Jennifer Garners?"
"I was drunk you know!"
"Petra Williamson?"
"I . . . she . . ."
"Betty Molton? Sabrina Cotton? Katherine Onion?" Lily said, ticking them off on her fingers. "You and Sirius are almost neck and neck. That's nearly half the girls in our dorm."
"A quarter at least!" said James indignantly. Any other circumstance and he may have felt slightly proud at these accomplishments, but now, standing here in front of Lily, James felt cheap, dirty. Unworthy. Undeserving of Lily. She was right.
"And that's not even to mention Ravenclaw or the few girls that have turned you down . . ."
"Right, OK, let's go on that subject. Turned me down. How many girls do you think?"
"Potter, this isn't about your sexual status here . . ."
"No, I mean, how many of them have I pursued?"
Lily paused. "Well, none."
"Exactly. How many have I changed for?"
"That doesn't mean . . ."
"How many have I asked out sixty-seven times?"
Lily stopped answering back. Now he came to mention it, he had a point.
"And one last thing. The girls you're talking about were at least eight months ago. This is different."
Lily looked at him apprehensively. "How can I trust you?"
"Well, first you said it. You have to trust yourself first."
James suddenly felt in control. His point was more valid than hers, she was the one afraid. He could change her mind. Give me time, she had said. Right. I'll walk away. That way, she can't accuse me of not giving her time. "I'm going to go back to bed now. Think about it, Lily. It's you that has to change. Not me. I've already done that."
Lily was all for defying him, saying he was wrong, saying he had no point and that she, and she alone, were right. But that was one hopeless thing about James Potter. Now and again, he made her see that she was not the only one in the world who had common sense or who spoke the truth. She didn't feel superior with him, and that was what was frightening her.
He walked past her, unhurriedly and stopped in front of her.
Oh damn, thought Lily. This is exactly what you didn't want! But was it? He bent down, and Lily clenched her fist. But he only kissed her softly on the cheek. In fact, it was barely a kiss at all; more like a statement that said he would wait.
Damn you Potter, she said in her head, but he had already gone, leaving her standing alone with a great deal of thoughts buzzing around in her head. The old James Potter would have pushed the matter; would have waited for a definite answer. He was right. He had changed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A/N:* Yes, I know the Lily and James dream sequences were almost near identical; that was deliberate you know! *Winks in a sly fashion*. Yeah, I know you're not supposed to feel sorry for Peter, and I'm sorry if you do! It's just, it can't just have been James and his friends along with jealousy that made him turn . . . could it? *Winks once more*. Anyway, see that little blue box that says SUBMIT REVIEW? That's the one. Right, now, click on it, and write me beefy long reviews. Lol. Thank you muchly.