CHAPTER 20..:::::.. On the Same Wavelength
Disclaimer: If you seriously think I need to keep this up then let me know cos' I don't think I do. You'd have to be a right dumb ass to think I owned Harry Potter anyway. Really, lets have a poll.
A/N: OK, just to warn you, I have put in some stuff about Lily in this chapter that JK never picked up on or implied, but it does fit in the story so please do not flame me about being out of cannon or what ever. I've chosen to do it this way because then Lily can relate more so to James. Plus, there is never anything in the books that suggests that what I have written can't be, or isn't, true. Enjoy!
GoddessMoonlady: *Rosie hands Goddess a wand and bids that she frazzles Voldie's ass with it* I'm glad you were so moved by that chapter; it was very hard to write!
Snivellus: Lol, your name is the whole reason I decided to do a Lily and James fic. I wanted to write the cocky Marauders! I hope you have read up to here in the fic, else you won't get this! Also thanks so much for all of your reviews. You've reviewed like every chapter you've read and it's really inspiring so thank you more than anything I give you the best reviewer title for this chappie! :)
Lissa3: Aww, thanks for staying up extra late; I do that all the time with fics. You should write a fic like this; they're so much fun! Just have a simple plot, then it shouldn't spiral, and if it does, it should only be a little bit. Do you seriously like British accents? Lol, I love you Americans, you're so funny.
Cara-meLissa: Yeah, you gotta love James and his slowness, but I think that the news would have stunned him so that he kind of doesn't want to believe it even if the truth is whacking him repeatedly in the face with a shovel.
LauraLou: Wassup, thanks for loving this story! I assure you, seriously, I am 16!
Maulani: Thanks; I'm interested to know how I broke cannon; is it because it's not in order or something? I put in the deaths of the Grandparent Potters because I assumed that Voldie killed them. If they were James's parents, they must have been pretty powerful and in the book they are in the Mirror of Erised. Anyway ... thanks!
Lady Rebecca: Sorry! I had to do it.
Szhismine: That's ok, hysterical is fine. Just keep reviewing! Lol.
Snuffles10: How did I think of the alphabet thing? Well, I wanted to kill of his parents (bit of angst, you know me), but Voldie couldn't know too much about the prophecy until after Harry has been born so I created dear old Magnus to find a tiny thing that would lead him to them.
Coolcatjenny: Well, basically I killed off his parents because the story needs to get a move on. People who are reading this so close to the book know that Sirius is 17 now so as I haven't mentioned that he hasn't got his own place, I assume you will presume that he has. I don't know how many times he went round there for Sunday lunch, but I believed them to be murdered by Voldie because they were powerful wizards and in the time of him. Also, they were with Harry's parents in the book in the Mirror or Erised. Anyway, that's my take on it.
Templa Otmena: Aww, thank you, I'm glad it moved you. Lol. It was horrible to write this because I could just imagine the expressions that I was writing and it made me cry! If I were Pettigrew's mum, I would make the finger a talisman and stick pins in it.
Quidditch Queen: I'm sorry! (I've said that to almost every single reader) but it had to be done!
Crying: I'm ever so sorry, I really do hope that you do not hate me.
Mystikalolo: Glad you loved it; sorry I did it, but it kind of had to be done so the plot could continue!
Inkling: Thanks for understanding! I'm getting flames now and it's upsetting because nobody realises how hard it was to write that chapter! Don't worry I would never dream of leaving you guys hanging like that – not for long anyway. I hope you didn't go and cry too much! Save your tears for the deaths of … of … *sobs and assumes everyone knows what she is talking about*.
Padfoot: *James thanks Padfoot for the hug and insists that it made him feel heaps better*.
Surge: Well, James will propose soon, but I think I'll probably fast forwards to the wedding else this will go on forever. Which is fine. Lol. Hey, be privileged, you now have inside info!
Fashiondiva: Hmm, my Snape sympathy just doesn't seem to work on the Diva, does it? Lol. *Rosie secretly agrees as she also believes Snape is a pimple infested toilet seat*.
Akira Gown: Lol, the way you said on the run made me think that you were actually, 'on the run'. I do hope you have not done anything illegal.
*HITS PLAY*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"James, please, just listen to me –"
James shook his head, his eyes wide and unfocused. Sirius gave a huge shuddering sigh, as though he was holding in a sob but daren't let it out. Lily put her hand to her mouth.
"Merlin, James, I'm … I –" She didn't know what to say. Nor, it seemed did James. He was shaking his head, as though if he did this enough times, what Dumbledore had just told him would cease to be true.
"This – this can't be happening," he muttered incoherently, his voice shaking.
Dumbledore moved forwards to grip his shoulder. "James, please …"
But James shook his arm off violently and backed away, as though the rest of them were poisonous. "Don't touch me … don't … don't say anything."
"I know how you feel …" Dumbledore began.
"NO! NO YOU DON'T!" he roared so loud his throat hurt and he viciously turned the table over with trembling hands. Books went flying but nobody flinched except Peter. "You haven't got the faintest idea – "
He looked around, as though seeing them all for the first time, and strode from the room, slamming the door behind him. Dumbledore followed his footsteps, moving towards the door that James had just slammed.
Before he could grasp the handle, Lily spoke in a thin high voice. "Don't," she said. Dumbledore lowered his hand. "Just don't."
~*~*~*~*~
Three days after Voldemort had arranged to have Edward and Maureen Potter killed, James was to be found in the Owlery gazing up at the snowy white and brown feathers falling all around him. He liked coming in here; the owls did not speak to him, they didn't know anything that had happened; it was almost normal. He had not spoken to anyone about what had happened after he had turned up a few tables in the Common room in anger and grief, at first refusing to believe any of it, that it couldn't be true, but it was true. His parents were dead. Murdered. James felt a burning white anger lick his insides and flare up again. This hadn't happened before; it was like the news had numbed all of his emotions but now, now he felt them screaming inside of him to get out.
The door creaking open stung him from his boiling anger. It was Sirius.
"James, why don't you come down and have something to eat?" he asked, concerned. There were lines around his forehead and his eyes appeared strangely sunken in his skull. "You haven't had anything for forty eight hours."
"No," he answered quickly. James looked up at him, angered that someone would interrupt him like this, now. "Not now, I'm not hungry," he said shortly, with some anger.
The look on Sirius's face was enough to shift James's anger momentarily. Here was his best friend, trying to help him, almost as grief stricken as he himself was, and James was throwing it back in his face.
"Sorry," he mumbled after a few seconds. Minutes passed as Sirius stood in the doorway, and the time came when Sirius knew that James would not, or could not say any more at this time. He turned to go and had his hand on the door –
"I loved them too, James," he said before he turned the knob.
James swallowed, still not looking at him. "I know," he croaked. He felt hot tears sting his eyes, the thing that he had been fighting for a long time. He hadn't cried since he was five years old.
Sirius turned and looked at him. "They were good people," Sirius went on. "They had nothing to worry about."
James knew all of this and he knew that he should say something more, to thank Sirius for being there for him like this and not judging him for not realising the most obvious pattern. A pattern that he could have, should have, figured out.
"I – I know you're only trying to help, but I … I don't really want to talk about it." This came out more quickly than he had anticipated. It was as though someone else was speaking with his voice.
"I know you don't. That's why I'm asking." A smile broke out on his face. "I'm awkward like that."
James forced a smile.
Sirius shifted the weight on his foot. "I'm just going to say, that you're always welcome at my place. It's not much, I know, and I haven't been there for long so there are boxes everywhere, but I was always welcome at yours, so … well. You can stay whenever you want."
James felt more gratified than he could put into words. Instead, he gave Sirius a true smile. "Thanks."
Sirius put a hand on his best friend's shoulder and squeezed lightly before leaving, the knot in James's stomach slightly easing.
~*~*~*~*~
None of the Professor's gave James homework for the next couple of weeks, something that actually angered him more than anything. Homework would have taken his mind off everything; off the startled glares he was receiving from his fellow students, the almost sympathetic tones from the teachers. The anger was taking the place of the gaping hole that had been left since his parent's death, and as the grief was slowly ebbing away with the pace of the snail, the anger seemed to be filling up more and more. James's temper was tested when he came face to face with Snape the very next day.
Snape was coming up the stairs, writing something on a piece of parchment that was only inches from his nose. He almost walked straight past James, which indicated how engrossed in it he was. But when he spotted him, he stopped. His eyes narrowed, but there was no sneer playing around his lips. Severus Snape; feeling sorry for James Potter? James seriously hoped it was a windup; hating Snape was so much easier.
"Potter," he said, hands stuffing the parchment hastily in his bag. His voice was even, almost cool. James's temper got the better of him. Snape should not have the nerve to be calm in a situation like this.
"You sleep, right, Snape?" he said.
Snape blinked. It may or may not have been the oddity of the question or it may have been the absence of the nickname of Snivellus. "What?" he said, eyes narrowing even more, a wary expression now framing his greasy face.
"I know that if it ever came down to a proper duel between us that you would probably know more curses than me … but you do sleep."
Snape clutched his wand in his hand. "What are you talking about, Potter? Has your parent's demise addled your already unstable brains?"
James knew that if Sirius were here, he probably would have killed him, but he wasn't here. "You're very into the Darks Arts, Snape, aren't you? I suppose you hear things, right?"
Snape's heart contracted with fear. Did Potter know something? Had he perhaps said something to Dumbledore? If he had blown his cover, he would be dead for sure. More subconsciously than he knew, he pulled the sleeve down on his left arm, as though Potter might have x-ray vision and see the Dark Mark that was burned into his skin. "I don't know what you're talking about," he lied.
James breathed slowly. "If I ever find out that you knew anything about my –"
"I didn't have anything to do with that," Snape spat truthfully this time, knowing exactly what James was talking about. "I had no idea. You can't blame me for anything, Potter."
James nodded, as though pretending to believe him. "Well, if I ever find out that you did know something, Snape, I should warn you that you're going to wake up on fire." And he strode past him, making for the Great Hall, feeling slightly better and almost a vindictive pleasure in threatening somebody else and blaming someone for his own mistake.
Snape tried to return his breathing to normal. Was the Dark Lord mad? Killing the Potters? Why on earth would he have done that? Despite the fact that he loathed James Potter, something was beginning to dawn on Snape. He had signed on for a life of causing death and murder, murder of people he knew, or knew of. Sooner or later, he would know the people. Before now, it had been fabulous; knowing things others didn't, being able to endure the Marauder's torture with the knowledge that he was doing the very thing that they all hated right under their noses … but now, for a reason unknown to himself, something seemed not quite right.
~*~*~*~*~
Dinner that evening was slightly more bearable than it had been for a long time since the tragic news had happened. Lily and Marietta sat with the Marauders, sometimes exchanging jokes, James laughing along with the rest and for the first time in a month, his heart felt pleasantly light. As though recalling, from a previous life, James realised that their first NEWT exam was in two days, and he had not revised a single thing. Lily seemed to know what he was thinking as they walked slightly behind the others after dinner back to the Common Room.
"Are you worried?" she asked him.
"No," he lied. He was worried, as NEWT's were probably the most important exams he would ever do, if he wanted to be an Auror. None of this had seemed to matter a few days ago, nothing at all.
"You can't lie to me, James," she said. "But you don't have to, because I'll help you."
"With what?" he asked.
"What ever it takes, I'll get you through these exams."
James half smiled at her. "Lily, I know you're Head Girl and all –"
"–And your girlfriend –"
"–And my girlfriend, but you don't have to patronise me or anything."
Lily narrowed her eyes. "I'm not going to patronise you. I'm going to help you. There's a difference, Mr-I-Know-Everything."
James smiled and nodded. "Thanks."
There was silence for a few minutes as the made their assent up the stone steps. Then Lily spoke. "So, really. Are you okay?"
"I'm doing better," he said truthfully, but felt that he couldn't keep his guilt from her much more. "But I can't help thinking that …"
"You could have stopped it?" she prompted.
James hung his head and nodded slowly. "It was so obvious, I mean, you saw it before I did but it was too late."
Lily clicked her tongue. "James, you cannot be so ready to take responsibility for someone's death. Do you believe in fate?"
"No," he said shortly.
"Why not?" she asked.
"Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life."
"Exactly!" she said, as though he had put his finger on the exact point she was trying to make. "Exactly, your own life. Not your parent's lives, James. Do not blame yourself. You are not in control of what Voldemort thinks or feels or feels reason to do. There was nothing that you could have done."
"Do you really believe that?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she said without a trace of doubt. "I also believe that your guilty feeling was inevitable but that now, you should stop torturing yourself, because the truth is staring you in the face. It wasn't your fault. There is only one person to blame."
James looked up, knowing who she meant and feeling slightly better. "Thanks," he mumbled.
"I lost my parents too, you know," she said simply. James stopped and stared at her. He had never heard this before, nor had he ever heard Lily talk about her home life.
"B – but your sister …"
"Oh yes, she is my sister, but the thing is, I was adopted when I was a baby. I never knew my parents, so I won't pretend I know what it feels like to really lose them, but I'm on the same wavelength."
James mouthed like a goldfish. "Lily, how come you never told me?"
Lily shook her head, completely unaffected by the subject. "My parents don't know that I know, but I heard them talking one day. It doesn't really make a difference or anything, because they'll always be my parents, but … I don't know. Petunia doesn't have a clue. You can imagine, of course, what it would be like if she knew."
James frowned. "That must be – horrible."
Lily laughed slightly. "No, it's not, they have loved me more than I could ever have asked for, but I just want to say that you never have to pretend with me."
James made an odd expression. "Okay, I won't."
"Come on, let's go and do some revision." She smiled and they walked hand in hand back up to the Common Room, James marvelling at the inner strength of the girl he was in love with.
(*(*(*(*(*(*(*(*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)*)
When all was said and done, James had to admit along with the others that the exams had actually not been bad. Lily had helped him almost constantly in the two days that they had left to revise with everything. James was a natural at almost everything, so they hadn't really had to work that hard; it was more just a recap.
"Well, that's got to be the hardest one of all," said Lupin as they walked out of the Potions exam, the last one.
"Nah," said Sirius. "Did you see the perfect shade of turquoise mine went?" he said proudly.
"Did you smell the eggyness that came from mine?" said James.
Lily laughed. "It wasn't that bad."
Remus frowned. "Tell that to Peter," he said as Peter came out of the classroom last, bandages wrapped around his hands.
He smiled as he reached them. "This is only a precaution," he muttered happily. "I think it went okay," he added. The others exchanged looks.
"Wormtail, the only way that would be true, is if Snape wore a frilly pink dress," said Sirius. Then he frowned. "Come to mention it, we've never done that before."
Peter flushed and looked away.
"Done what before?" asked Remus.
"Dressed Snape in a frilly pink dress."
Lily turned to him with a stern expression. "I'll have to report that if you're not careful."
Sirius looked as though he had just been denied a real treat. Lily turned back to James.
"Well, by the looks of it, yours was ok," she said hopefully.
James nodded. "It wouldn't have been if we hadn't looked up the Draught of Peace last night," he reminded her. "Thanks for that, by the way." They had both been up late into the night revising the very subject that came up.
Sirius smirked. "Is that all you looked up, Prongs?"
"Padfoot," said Lupin warningly.
Sirius looked faintly indignant. "Why, Moony, do you always assume that what I say has hidden sexual content?"
"Because, Sirius, you always say said phrases in a certain way."
Sirius shrugged and muttered something about how misunderstood he was.
~@+~@+~@+
As last Feast's went, this one had to have been the most enjoyable event of them all. Despite the seventh years being in slightly subdued moods at the end of their school years, there was also excitement about NEWT results coming soon and the fact that now they would be allowed out in the big wide wizarding world. The food was excellent; the House Elves had really pulled out the stops with fish, chicken, meats of all kinds, bowels of fruit, roast, boiled and mashed potatoes, boiled vegetables, salads, rice and a few foreign dished that James and the others would not touch. To follow were hundreds of puddings; fruit pies, crumbles, crème brules, ice cream and much more.
"Can bleeve zlast mil?" James said thickly through a mouthful of apple pie. Lily cast him a disgusted look.
"Begging your pardon, Prongs, didn't catch that, mate," said Sirius.
James swallowed loudly. "I said, can you believe it's our last meal here?"
"I was just thinking that," said Lupin sadly. "It's gone so quickly."
A sudden hush broke out over the Great Hall as Professor Dumbledore stood up for his end-of-year speech. He looked old and tired as he spoke.
"Another year, gone. Another batch of deeply talented students are leaving us, and although we will all be sad to see them go, I am sure that I am not alone in wishing them all the very best of luck for the future."
As he said this, applause broke out over the Hall. The Marauders looked gratefully around the Hall, nodding at everyone, as though the applause was for them, and them only.
Dumbledore continued when the noise had died down. "However, I must dampen this happy day with sad and serious news."
James's heart contracted; surely Dumbledore wasn't going to mention his parents in front of everyone?
"It will be of no news to any of you, as I am sure that you have just as much access to the newspapers and many grapevines as we teachers do, but I must mention, of course, the streams of deaths that have been happening outside of Hogwarts. We all know who is to blame, and I must impress once more, as I have done before, that we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. We are facing very dark and difficult times, and I am almost certain that many of us will suffer, but we must stand together."
Only one person was not listening to this speech; Severus Snape squirmed painfully in his chair as the Dark Mark on his arm burned black.
^%^%^%
After the Feast, it hadn't been difficult for Snape to get away; the flurry of students desperate to say goodbye to others and milling around all over the place, had not noticed him slip past them and make his way towards Voldemort. Every time Snape was summoned, he felt more and more apprehensive about it.
He had only ever come face to face with Voldemort once before; when he had been initiated into the Death Eaters. Now, as he knelt before him on a faded carpet, he began, once again, to question what he was doing.
"You are having doubts, are you not, Severus?" Voldemort hissed as Snape arrived.
"N – no, my Lord, none at all."
Voldemort sneered. "Do not lie to me, Severus, I am an accomplished Legillimens, and nor am I stupid. It is natural to have doubts, Severus, but it is how we deal with these doubts that matters."
Snape was breathing hard. "Yes, my Lord …"
"I am aware, of course, that you are in the presence of Albus Dumbledore a great deal more than other Death Eaters. Have you had any conversations with him lately?" Voldemort was plainly trying to tell whether or not Snape had betrayed anything to Dumbledore.
"No, my Lord, I have not," Snape said truthfully.
Voldemort took a few seconds, concentrating, trying to see whether or not Snape was lying. When he straightened up, however, he seemed satisfied. "Very well, Severus. I was surprised to see, however, that you were not more joyous at the demise of the Potters. It was my belief that you and the young boy did not … get on?"
"Oh, yes, my Lord, I am most amorous of your achievement."
Voldemort sneered. "Very well. You may go."
Snape scrambled up from the floor and left the house as fast as he could, a decision formed in his mind. What he was doing was wrong; he was not going to turn out like his father.
(*)(*(*)(*)(*)
Dumbledore started slightly, as a knock came on his office door. He wondered who on earth it could be as he was the only one left in the castle. Both teachers and students had gone home for the holidays.
"Come in," he said slowly.
The door creaked open, and there framed in the doorway was an anxious looking Snape.
Dumbledore smiled. "Ah, Severus. Why are you not on the train home?" he asked, concerned.
The fact that he had missed the train only registered dimly in Snape's brain; he had more important things to do. "Professor Dumbledore, sir –"
"What is it, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.
Snape breathed deeply and cleared his throat. "There is something that I must tell you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* A/N: Slightly less sad? Yes? No? Both? Argh, tell me! Yeah, yeah, I know for the whole Lily thing … you may not agree, but I thought that it could be a reasonable explanation for the fact that Petunia looks nothing like her sister. Anyway. Please please give me nice long reviews!!!!