Hello again, everyone. You'll be happy to hear I've yet ANOTHER LoZ oneshot here. Before you start, please bother noticing the connections from a cut to another. Whether it is a similar sounding spoken text or a redundant action or use of colour, or verb, the beginning of a cut picks up the end of the previous cut.

You'll probably have noticed on your own, but consider it a test. Is it an interesting style, or is it just ordinary? Please let me know. Your opinion helps me become a better author.

Also, please do not consider this a serious oneshot. It just wrote it for fun.

Mehehehehe.

Warning: Innuendos.

Photo Shoot

By CM

Zelda came in the lobby with squinty eyes and a sleepy look. The secretaries, smiling, asked her if everything was all right.

"I'm fine," she grinned weakly. "I'm finally done re-touching the pictures from last week. Is anyone already up there?"

The few women shrugged, shook their heads. "I think," one of them said, "that Rauru is already there. And Nabooru and Lulu went to get some coffee at the cafeteria."

With a small nod, Zelda smiled. "Alright, I'll be up then. Good day!"

As the elevator doors closed tightly shut, Lulu and Nabooru came back from the cafeteria. The secretaries repeated information about Zelda. At the same moment, Malon burst through the office doors with the speed of a small hurricane. Nabooru looked up, eyebrows high up on her forehead. She had been talking with Lulu about early morning nonsense, and the small redhead's arrival had interrupted them.

"Where's Zelda?" Malon breathlessly asked. Lulu, serene in comparison, smiled softly and motioned to the elevators.

"She just went up. What is going on?"

Malon looked too excited for someone who hadn't taken a first cup of coffee. With a wide, sneaky smile, she said, "The girl is in for some swooning."

Nabooru, at once understanding what it was all about, let out a small laugh. "Oh, so that's what it is. Where did you see it?"

"You'll never believe me."

"Holy fuck. I don't believe this."

Link, not a morning person, had never expected to be greeted by such a huge poster of himself right as he came out of the bus.

The business women at his side all giggled, looking at the poster spread on the whole façade of the building then back at him, their previously official looks turning into appreciative ones. Uncomfortable, Link chose to walk quicker.

He hadn't expected, when he'd done that one time photo shoot, that it would be shown elsewhere than in a magazine ad of some sort. Now, it seemed as though his gigantic flat self, bare chest, tanned skin and all, looked down at him as though to mock him, as though to say, 'Look at where I am now!'

It was one of the biggest posters on the Square. It seemed like everywhere he looked, women were sneaking peeks at his half naked image.

"Oh my Din, what did I ever do to deserve this?"

The thought ran over and over again in his head until he walked through his building's doors. There a group of young men greeted him with a series of cheers and claps. Link brought a hand up to his face, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Sheik, with a wide smirk, clapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey, man, if that doesn't bring your special someone's attention on the fact that you have a sexual life, then nothing will. I don't know how you did it, but I never saw something so daring-"

"It wasn't intentional, Sheik."

Sheik asked, an incredulous frown marring his face, "You mean someone snapped that picture of you naked without your knowing?"

"Yes, well, no!" Link sighed loudly, and many of his coworkers gathered round, to his embarrassment. "Thing is, I agreed to replace a swimming trunks model two weeks ago for my friend Ruto because the real guy had a sunburn or something, and she told me it would at worse show up in a few magazines. But she lied. Can I borrow your cell phone?"

Sheik, grinning like a madman, resisting the urge to laugh really loud, handed him the small cellular device. Link dialled quickly, pressing the phone to his ear, still red in embarrassment.

Ruto Watters, lounging in her red poolside chair, sighed as her phone rang. She took her sunglasses off her nose and on her forehead. Outstretching a perfectly manicured hand, she took hold of the receiver and uttered a smooth 'hello'.

"Ruto," the voice on the line said, apparently tense, "I need to know who put that picture of me up on Square."

Ruto, smiling suddenly, uncrossed her legs. "Link! Oh my, how are you? It's been so long since I last heard of you, darling. What, two weeks?"

"Ruto."

Rolling her eyes at his serious deadpan tone, she crossed her legs the other way and leaned backwards, closing her eyes. "They offered a load of cash and a two year financing contract to have that picture put up there, Link. In their words, it looked better than the original picture planned, and they couldn't just leave this unnamed sex-appealing man to fall into oblivion."

She could hear him exhale in annoyance. "Ruto, you're shitting that up."

"I am," she admitted with a cheerful smile. "Really, Link, do you think I would believe them if they said something like that? Who's the artist here?"

"Ruto, take the picture down, I beg of you. It's staring at me from the Square, and people look at me weird and it's going to ruin my career." He was beginning to blabber. "That is, whenever I apply for a job, people are going to look at me and go, 'hey, you look familiar, do you think I saw you somewhere? Wait, I know you, you're that half naked guy they had up on Square for a month! Why don't you strike a pose, guy!' TAKE IT OFF, RUTO!"

Ruto sighed exasperatedly. She twirled a strap of her bikini around her index, toying with it absentmindedly. "Give it a rest, darling. It's not that bad. You're rather sexy on that poster. And you have it right. It's just a month. After that, people will forget. Just relax. Don't you want a vacation here at my resort, darling?"

Link growled, "No, Ruto, I don't need a vacation." Behind him, she could discern many laughs. "I don't give a shit if you think I'm sexy on that… thing, I just want it off. What will people think? My boss will think I'm some self-obsessed show-off! And think of my future kids!"

"What about them, honey?"

"Whenever they'll look into a mirror, they'll think, 'my dad had a poster of him put up in Square, what a lousy… self-obsessed show-off!'"

"You're exaggerating, Link. Now, why don't you go on about your daily life and just… Wear sunglasses for the remainder of the month?"

"I can't believe you. Fine, but I get a payback one day."

"Sure, honey. Sure."

"Sure I believe you," Zelda mumbled. "I mean, of course that would happen." She smiled at Malon. "NOT."

Malon, Nabooru and Lulu, surrounding the young woman's desk, were looking too excited for their own good. They giggled. "Unfortunately, sweetie, we have sources."

"Sources." Zelda rolled her eyes. "Wow, hear the echo?"

Malon, slapping a magazine down on the desk, said, "Open it."

Sighing in exasperation, Zelda grabbed the weekly issue and flipped the cover over, all the while saying, "You know, it's not that I don't appreciate your attempts at making me laugh, it's just that your jokes are far from, well, hilarious. Besides, it's completely unrealistic. I've known Link for years, and trust me, the man would NEVER do something like that unless his life was in danger. And even then, he'd try negotiating."

"A pity," Nabooru commented.

Zelda, turning page after page and glancing at each of them to humour the women, said, with no little annoyance, "I mean, I saw Link shirtless like, twice in my lifetime, and okay, it was a sight to behold, but come on, it's not like—holy shit."

People in the hallway jumped in surprise and wondered at what was going on in the office when a scream, followed by a chorus of shrieks and giggles rang out.

Link's phone rang. For the thousandth time that day. He tensed again, teeth tightly clenched, and screamed his frustration so loud that Sheik looked over the cubicle wall to say, "Why don't you take it off the hook and take a pill, Link?"

"Yeah," an thick unidentified voice said from somewhere in the maze of walls, "Why don't you answer to your admirers or just relax, picture-man?"

At that comment, Link grabbed the edge of the desk so tightly that his knuckles were white and in a very low, strained whisper, eye twitching, he asked, "Who… was… that?"

Sheik, eyes wide, looked a bit scared. "Hey, whoa, you look like a chipmunk on crack, man. You seriously should have taken that vacation Ruto offered you, 'cause I swear you're—"

A stapler coming to stop at his throat cut him off. He squeaked. Link's threatening, twitchy and mad-looking face was just inches from his, stapler separating them. Now, both men were standing on their respective chairs, over the cubicle wall, and were attracting people's attentions. Many heads popped from over the cubicle walls all over the floor.

"Don't… ever…" Link's voice was deadly, at an all time low volume, "… say… that… name… again…"

"What?" Sheik said, panicky, "You mean, Ruto?"

Link snarled suddenly, pressing the stapler to his friend's neck. Somewhere to the left, a man asked, 'Hey, ya think we should call security?', but was quieted by a few other workers, who were more familiar with the two friends' antics.

"It's… the name…" Link whispered, eyes wide and insane.

Sheik raised his hands, in an innocent defence fashion, saying in a nervous, but reasonable tone, "Okay, look, Link, you're really in need of a little time-off. What do you say we—"

He was cut off by Link's phone ringing again. The stapler left his throat to collide violently with the phone. It chipped off a tiny bit of plastic, but then just fell to the floor. The receiver flew off the hook, falling off and hitting the side of the desk with a loud thunk. Link, hopping down from his chair, glared at the dangling object, like the primitive man in front of the fire.

"Object from hell," he whispered.

From the phone, a voice kept calling, 'Link? Link? Where are you? What kind of joke is this? Link, it's Zelda, stop kidding me!'

Sheik, resting his cheek on his fist, still looking into Link's cubicle in boredom, said, "Dude, snap out of it. It's your friend Zellie."

Suddenly snapping to his senses, Link scrambled to pick the phone up, and sighed a pathetic, "Zel'? Is it really you?" into the receiver.

"Yes, and on behalf of both of my brain lobes, I ask, 'WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING, STRIPPING LIKE THAT TO POSE FOR AN UNDERWEAR FASHION PICT—"

"It's a swimming suit ad."

"Okay," Zelda wheezed, "Okay, swimming suit, underwear, all the same. YOU STRIPPED!"

"I was blackmailed…?" Link weakly tried.

She laughed, actually laughed, at that one. "Yeah, right. Link, I know everything threatening about you, and nothing is bad enough to make you strip."

He heard a woman's voice in the back say, 'Because if there was, she'd have tried a long time ago!' followed by a chorus of giggles. He scowled. "Oh, great, and you had to have an audience for this discussion?"

"Well, my friend, there's nothing we share that isn't public, you know."

I know, he thought darkly, I know. "But that doesn't mean you have to humiliate me in front of your co-workers."

"Why not? I mean, you started it. And you still haven't answered my question."

"I don't remember what it was," he mumbled, leaning back in his executive chair, propping his feet on his desk. Satisfied that he'd calmed down, Sheik disappeared back into his own cubicle.

"I asked you what you could have been thinking when you got naked for—"

"Hey, whoa, I wasn't naked. And okay, I'll admit it, it was to do Rut—uh, a friend, a favour."

"A female friend."

"Yeah." Link waited, but panicked when he heard the dead silence. "Hey, Zelda, are you mad or something?"

"No, just shocked. Well. You're free to strip for whoever you want." Her voice was neutral, and he knew she was doing it on purpose. "But please, make sure next time that the room is camera-less. If only for my sake."

He was about to say something, but the tone resonated. Link, stunned, stared at it. Then, speaking to himself, "You'd think she's my girlfriend or something."

"Maybe there's something she has yet to figure out," Sheik commented blandly from his side of the wall. "Like, I don't know, about how you've been pining for her since, Din forbid, elementary school. And how you always give her flowers on her birthday. And how you spent nearly every office Christmas party in a corner with her, being cynical about the other employees. Namely myself."

Link scratched the back of his neck, staring at the phone. "I don't pine after her."

A rumble of chuckles resounded from around his cubicle. He hated cubicles. He'd have killed to have an office with soundproof walls, or a door with a lock.

"Okay, not that much anyway," he corrected, and the chuckles died down after a last laugh. "And of course we're together at Christmas parties. We wouldn't want to hang out with weirdoes like you."

"See what I mean?" Sheik's voice sighed.

"And I can't help it that we have this connection. We just keep together."

"Methinks you'll have trouble now that you stripped for, Nayru have mercy, another woman."

Link said, defensively, "Well, Zel' and I aren't dating, so I can strip for whoever I want."

Sheik chuckled. "Sure. But when the picture of it ends up on a fifty by forty billboard on the most visited square in the whole city, I can sort of understand the weirdness."

"I can't understand this."

Zelda was pacing to and fro in her office. Malon, filing her nails, seated atop her desk, watched her friend with a faint smile.

"Why not?"

"Link stripped! Not only for a photographer, but for a female one! He NEVER does that!" Whirling around, Zelda squeaked, eyes wide, "Oh my god, Mal', what if he's having an affair! My best friend is a boyfriend! What am I gonna do?"

Malon, tapping her nails on the desk surface, looked thoughtful. "Well…" she started, "You could begin by putting on that silky black negligee Nabs and I bought for you last Christmas, and knock on his door with a bottle of champagne, strip sensually and then make wild love to him all night. That ought to teach him to look elsewhere."

Zelda, who'd gone bright red before Malon had reached the part about the champagne, threw her friend a nasty look. "Oh, yeah, Mal'. Sex is the solution. Of course. Sure. Not. I meant, how are we going to stay friends if the most of his attention is on his girlfriend? And I don't even know who she is!"

"Assuming that the photographer is his girlfriend, which I doubt… Simple," Malon said, flipping through the magazine, reaching the picture of Link. Zelda helplessly looked at it again. Both women stayed in silent admiration of the man's build, before Zelda finally snapped out of it, blushing madly.

"Okay, this isn't right!"

"Why not?" Malon asked, looking at the bottom of the picture. "He's drop-dead sexy. Oh, here we are. Photo: Ruto Watters. Well. There's your thief of gods."

"Right." Zelda said, clicking her tongue. "So what do I do?"

"You call the woman, and tell her to back off from your man," Malon blandly said, handing her the wireless phone. Zelda grabbed it and slammed it back on its cradle.

"Yeah, right, Mal'. That's a smart move. I don't even like Link that way."

Malon stared at Zelda blankly. "And the way you were ogling his abs totally wasn't appreciation."

Zelda shook her head, cheeks bright pink. "I can appreciate a friend's looks without automatically wanting to—um…"

"Wanting to lick his—"

"No! Stop. Right now."

Malon grinned widely. "I knew it! You lust after the man, and you've been denying yourself the pleasure of jumping him for the sake of so-called friendship! Oh, the pain."

"I do not lust after Link!" Zelda cried. "Would you please stop saying things that aren't true?"

"Then explain the drooling on the magazine ad."

Zelda shook her head, motioning like she was about to tear her hair off her head. "Okay! Fine! So he's a sex god! Fine! But that's beside the point!"

"No, it's not, because if he hadn't been a sex god, he wouldn't have had his picture up on Square, you wouldn't lust after him, he wouldn't be supposedly dating this Ruto Watters person, and you wouldn't be wondering what to do. So. Either you call him again and lay the questions, or you call Ruto Watters and threaten her. But I still think the negligee idea is the best one."

"You are a sick, sick woman," Zelda declared.

"And proud to not be a virgin."

"Ouch, that's harsh. I'll have you know that I am sexually active, you cruel fiend."

"Then act like a sexually active, emancipated woman, and call the man for a date."

"Why aren't you dating anyway?" Sheik asked, that noon, as they tried to surreptitiously find a decent lunch in a place that, hopefully, didn't offer magazines as distractions. "I mean, you've known Zelda for a long time now. And you like, live in the same apartment building, right?"

"Yeah," Link said, looking awkward with sunglasses indoors, dipping his fry in ketchup. "But we haven't ever done a move on each other, and it would be too weird to suddenly ask her out."

"You could use good ole' 'just friends' excuse, and then shock her into agreeing to your terms."

"I wouldn't have terms, Sheik."

"Oh, right," Sheik snickered. "She imposes everything onto you, and you nod and agree."

Link grinned, taking another bite from his hamburger. "Right. She's quite the dominatrix."

"Tell me, does she have a whip?"

"When he's a bad boy, yes," a female voice flatly answered, out of nowhere.

Both Link and Sheik jumped about a mile high. Link almost choked on his bite, and Sheik spat out the small mouthful of his Diet Coke onto the table.

Between them, looking down at the mess they'd made, Zelda had an eyebrow raised.

"Zel—" Link choked. "Zelda!" He looked embarrassed. "Uh, what a surprise!"

"I can see that," she flatly said, looking at Sheik as he wiped the table clean. Turning her eyes over to Link, she said, "I'd like to talk with Link, Sheik. Would you mind?"

"Huh?" The other man looked from a very embarrassed Link to a blank looking Zelda. He sensed the tension. Now was a very good time to make his retreat. "Yeah, sure. Talk, talk all you want! I'll be… um… over there."

And he darted out of the restaurant, leaving in his wake a ten dollar bill, which Link put aside for the note.

Keeping his eyes averted from Zelda's, he began, "You know, we don't usually say stuff like that—"

"I want to know about the picture."

Link looked back at her, scowling. "That again? Zel', I told you what it was all about—"

"No, you didn't. I need to know why you agreed to do it."

He frowned. "Why is it so important to you what I choose to pose for? Don't tell me you've joined the Pants-Protection-League or something."

"Actually," Zelda said, rolling her eyes, "it's the Avocado-Plantation-Workers-Protection-League. But that's beside the point."

"You bet it is."

"Just answer me."

"What's your question again?"

She sighed in exasperation. "Link, pay attention. I want to know how that photographer convinced you to pose. I need to know why you did it."

"What do you expect?" He asked. "You want me to say that it was for a charity? For a fund-raiser? Or you want me to say that I wanted to seduce someone? Or do you want me to say it was for the money?"

"Was it?"

"Well, partially, but no."

"Then," Zelda said, with infinite patience, "what was it for?"

"Ruto and I are sort of friends. She helped me out, so I bailed her out of a problem. Only, her problem was about the replacement of a swim trunks model."

"So…" Zelda said, "That's it?"

He shrugged. "Yeah. So there you have it. I never wanted the poster to happen, but it did." Then, out of the blue, he asked, "Want to date?"

She stayed blank faced. "What?" She suddenly spluttered, eyes widening.

"I asked if you wanted to date me."

"But what does that have to do with—"

"Blast it, Zel', do you want to date me, or not?"

She stammered, "B-But—"

"It doesn't have to be today. Do you want time to think about it?"

"No," she said, looking insulted. "I'm a modern woman. I know what I want." Link, playing around with the straw of his soft drink, waited. She then said, "But first," taking a breath, Link nodded her to go on, "in the eventuality that we get to the bedroom," she asked, "are you—"

"Clean of illness. And I checked last month."

She nodded slowly. "And about kids—"

"We're covered."

"And sharing—"

"What's mine is yours."

She frowned, leaning back in the chair. "You're insane, you know that?"

"Is that a yes?"

"No."

He looked up sharply. "What?" He asked, and his determined expression faltered. She smiled, leaning forward.

"It's a no until that picture is long forgotten. I'm not dating models."

He scowled. "You're saying that just because you don't want to share me with a crowd of female strangers."

"I'm simply pro-monogamy."

He slammed his head on the table. "Damn. And here I thought Ruto's picture wouldn't have too much of an impact on my personal life."

"You were wrong," Zelda simply said, grinning still. "But I'll hand it to her. She knows how to bring out your natural features. You can be pretty damn sure that picture will affect your personal life. From now on, you're not going around with more clothes than strictly necessary."

Link smirked. "Or what?"

"Or I might have to resort to using my whip."

"Great. I'll be looking forward to that, baby."

"It's supposed to be a threat."

"Find something else, then. You're practically begging me to derogate from your rules."

"You're such a bad, bad boy."

Link switched chairs, coming next to hers, and leaned over to kiss her soundly.

"This is weird to say, but I love you, Zel'."

"Good. More." She pulled him down for another kiss. "And next time you strip, it's for me."

"No prob—"

"Just kiss me, bastard."

"Okay."

Well, what else can I say, aside from cackling evilly?

Please tell me what you thought about it, if you have a minute or two spare.

Love,

CM