Hunter-Of-Fairies: Thank you:) Oh yeah, and I really would go and get rid of the A/Ns, only I have a severe deficiency in the "Being Arsed" department. Plus, thanks-a-million-here's-my-firstborn-son for telling that person (whose name eludes me- sorry, person, it's late here >. ) about my story! Thank you so much! Worships I am not worthy... Oh yeah, and thanks to you too, Nameless Person (like in Hero! Sorry, never mind), whogave me kind permission to stealtheir A-Fo idea. And thanks for reading thus far! Hey, thank you WORLD. Anyway. For the grand total of THREE WHOLE READERS, here's Episode Four...

CHAPTER FOUR: A Rather Nasty Man!

Later that evening, Marie, Butler and Artemis arrived back at Fowl Manor, after taking a slight detour around the Isle of Man- apparently the GPS was on the blink.Butler went to help Juliet finish up the cooking, Marie unpacked, and Artemis went to his room to look at Internet corn. (C-o-r-n!)

Ten minutes later, Artemis heard screams, emanating from Marie's bedroom. He came running, and met the Butlers in the corridor. Juliet broke down Marie's locked door, but it was too late. Artemis staggered into the room, his face a mask of horror, as he surveyed the destruction around him. There had been quite a struggle- tables knocked over, lamps broken, paper crumpled, and the window smashed, the grappling hook that caused the damage still lodged in the wall under the windowsill. Fowl Junior ran over to it, and stared aghast at the black Nissan that was making its speedy getaway through the front garden's flowerbeds.

A hasty and cryptic message was scratched into the windowsill- "Oh Artemis, please 'elp, zis rather nasty man's trying to kidnap me, and I'm not really zat keen on accompanying him! Signed: Miss Marie Souzie."

Artemis sank to the ground, sobbing. "Marie! My darling Marie! What's happened to you?"

"Don't cry, Artebis. Maybe she went to da shops... or something..."

Artebis continued to howl.

Unsure of what to do, Butler the Elder again cast his rheumy eyes around the room, his gaze falling on adog-eared post-it note that was stuck to the dresser. "Artemis! Look! The mysterious assailant left a mysterious message of some sort!" Butler hurried across the room and snatched the paper from the dresser. "It says:

"If you ever want to see your beloved maid again, with her bones still on the inside, come to my secret evil lair at:

Ye Olde Fisherman's Baite Supplies

Kingarman St. Docklands

Dublin

R12 3HH

-At eleven P.M. sharp tomorrow. And come alone!

Yours truly,

A Rather Nasty Man"

Artemis was dumbstruck, till he screamed, "What!"

"Oh, sorry," said Butler, turning the paper over. "The actual message was "Two boxes of cornflakes, a carton of milk, detergent, washing powder and a copy of "The Times."

There was a pause as the psychological aftershocks of such an awful gag raked through the minds of the assembled party.

"M-Marie…" Artemis whimpered. Then he shook himself, and took a few deep, quivering breaths. "O-Okay. Okay. We need a plan of action. A plan that's long, boring, and needlessly intricate so no-one sulks because they don't get their fair share of near-death experiences in insanely dangerous situations… A cunning plan. A plan more planny than any plan before! A plan so random, half-cocked and irrational that even insurance salesmen shall tremble at its might! To the Plan Room!"

The others, smiling with awefor their visionary leader- a beacon of hope in their time of need- followed, as Artemis struck an overexcited Superman pose and "flew" out of the room, making zooming noises and tripping over broken furniture as he went.

Alright, that's Chapter Four done. This hurts me more than it hurts you, you know.

Please review- if you still have the willpower to move your fingers, that is. No, seriously! Review! Right NOW! Honestly, I don't think I ought to bother writing this if nobody (well, if only three people) are going to even let me know they've read it. Review or I'll cry! sulks

Sulkiness, Draggons