Suicide, my antidote..

Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar. I own Kaori and any Oc's. Yes that sounds about right. Also, -- I went braindead on the Kumi one. SORRY!

That night, it rained. Zuko and everyone else stayed below deck so they wouldn't get wet, but Kaori went up on deck and let herself get drenched. Zuko silently wathed her from the doorway, far enough back that he didn't get wet, yet close enough where he could get a good veiw of her, watching her dance by herself in the pouring rain.It wasn't the best health idea, but he had to admit to himself, she did look pretty, allowing herself to get wet like that. Deep in his heart, he knew it was there, but it was one of those things that he couldn't help thinking about; he knew that he had never seen such a pretty girl before.He knew that there had to be something wrong with her, but what could there be wrong with her? She was Perfect!

She had a great body, beauitful face, and great social skills. What could there be wrong with her? He knew that no woman or human being alone was perfect. Perfection is only an opinon. Tear drops from her eyes were discuised by the rain, using the water from the sky, to hide the water from her eyes. She was hurting really bad on the inside, and wanted to open herself up; but she would be putting these seemingly innocent people in danger, so they were only her transport. She missed her mother, while at the same time, where Zuko felt what he was feeling, Kaori felt betrayed by her mother. Had she no plan for Kaori at all? Was she just taking the chance of her living untill Kaori was old enough to live on her own? She had no home, no mother, no father, no friends..nothing. She had nothing to live for. It was when she fell onto her knees and wept that she noticed Zuko come onto the deck to see if she was okay.

"Its nothing. Just forget you saw that." She told him, walking back down to the hull and to her room. Zuko's eye lids lowerd half way as she walked away from him, she was definitly hiding something. When he walked down to the hull, he was greeted by her black panther, whom still scared him. He put his hand on its head and heard its deep purr. He just kept walking, as if he had done nothing.

He couldn't hear her, but Kaori was weeping silently, by herself. Tears spilled from the corners of her eyes, she knew that her mother would have had a plan, if she knew that it was going to happen; but it wasn't her mother's fault really, her mother loved her; more than anyone else ever did. Probably more than anyone else ever will, but her mother was gone, and Kaori didn't know why she kept herself going like that, her life has been nothing but hell on earth sence, she staired at the metel celine, tears spilling onto the sheets she was currently using. Her life hurt more than any burns Zuko or any fire bender for that matter could give her, If her misery was a monster, even the fire lord couldn't beat it. She had channeld her anger and sadness, into the dance of the daggers; but that was complete, so what else is there to take her mind off of her sadness? She had no real hobbies, and if she did, she didn't know what they were. No one was around to care or complament what she did anyway; this was the first time she felt so isolated, so alone..

Suck it up! she thought to herself. Thats weakness in your eyes! Have you learned nothing over the past ten years? If you have, its not to cry. Crying can only lead to more and more pain. But her morals were wrong, crying can make anyone feel alittle better. Kaori felt she couldn't be any better, she picked up her daggers and staired at them for a moment. You've used these to kill everyone but the one person who really matters...yourself. Momma wouldn't like it, but Kaori, you've been living a life of sin. You've killed all of your friends, and might kill someone who you care about, just kill yourself and get it over with! Go kill yourself on deck so your body will be washed off to the side and these people won't be framed and thought to have killed you. But your a wanted criminal, who wouldn't want you dead?

Zuko didn't. He had stepped out for a moment, only for a moment. At that moment, he saw Kaori walking on deck with her daggers.

"Its really slippery. I don't think this is the right time to train." Zuko commented, Kaori shrugged him off with an:

"I know." She kept walking, Zuko watched her for a moment, and then sent a soldier to spy on her. The soldier did his job and watched Kaori walk onto deck, stair upwards tword the rain and whisper "Here I come momma." With that, she picked up her dagger and cut her hand. The soldier reported to Zuko what he had seen, and both Zuko and Iroh shot up and ran to the deck. Just in time to see Kaori fall to her knees, holding her wrist with her hand. Blood dripping onto the slippery wet deck, and being washed away by the water. Zuko and Iroh surrounded her as she fell backwards, right onto Zuko's arm. Blood was trailing from the corner of her weak smile. She was only able to whisper her last goodbyes to them.

"Goodbye..." She whisperd to them, coughing up a tiny bit more blood, and passing out in Zuko's arms. Iroh orderd that the ship's doctor keep her alive as long as possable, and he obayed. With taking Kaori down to the hull and wrapping her bandages up, he reported to Zuko and Iroh her condition.

"She is alive, but barly. She needs to get to a real hospital, I don't see why she'd want to do this, but she may have more on her mind than anyone of us can ever understand. We have to stop at the next town, and get her to the clinic there." Zuko and Iroh nodded in understandment, and the docter left them alone with Kaori.

Her breathing was slow, but not slow enough to be dead. The blood had been cleaned from her mouth, and her weak smile remained. Iroh had long gone to bed and left Zuko to moniter her. He could tell she was dreaming.

"Momma..." She whisperd in her sleep. "Why...why couldn't I come with you...? It would be alright...this life isn't fun...not like our games...our games were fun...remember momma...? Hide and Seek? Remember...? When is daddy coming back momma...? He hasn't come home all week...is daddy working...?" Zuko lisoned to all she was saying. What had happend to her mother? Had she died? apparently so. Kaori began to squirm. Grabbing onto the pillow and tears sprang from her eyes. "Daddy...stop...stop it daddy! Leave momma alone! It isn't her fault! It was my fault daddy im sorry! I couldn't choose what family I was born into daddy! Please stop it! Stop hurting momma! Go away daddy! Go away! NO!" With that "NO" Kaori threw her pillow at Zuko. "Go away...daddy...I don't love you anymore..." With that, she fell back onto the bed.. "Please...stop..." Zuko held the pillow in his hands as he watched her have a fit. "no momma...I won't go! I won't leave you here...no..." After that, there was alittle silence. "MOMMA! NO!" and then Kaori sprang up in the bed, drenched in sweat.

Zuko blinked stupidly. Kaori turned her head to him and there was a moment of silence.

"Umm..." Zuko began. "I didn't see anything. Right?" Kaori nodded. Zuko gave her back her pillow. "I didn't see anything, but I heard enough." Kaori was silent for a long time, Zuko had said it all. "I don't know exactly what happend, but hurting yourself isn't the awncer." Kaori shook her head.

"You don't know. At all. It is the only way out. Sometimes...I wish someone would just kill me. Sence I can see that isn't going to happen soon, I decided to take matters into my own hands." She looked down at her wrist, her whole hand was bandaged, except her fingers, but the bandages went between each finger. A tear sled down Kaori's soft face. "I miss my momma.." With that, she got off of the bed and walked away, but Zuko grabbed onto her wrist.

"Im not letting you go again. Uncle made me sit up all night looking after you, and thats what I plan to do! It isn't honorable to let someone die." She jerked her hand away.

"we can say you fell asleep, and I slipped away. Any way, just let me die! What do you care if im dead? I don't even know you. Besides, you've already heard enough. I didn't want you and your uncle to get hurt by knowing me, but I can see that you insist on knowing who I am. But I can't allow it. You could get yourself killed if you know who I am." Zuko looked at her stupidly. She just sighed. "Never mind.

He was so sure, he was positive there was nothing wrong with her, why did she want to kill herself? Her life couldn't possably be that bad. His life sucked and he never thought twice about suicide. But on the other hand, he had hope of things going back to normal. Kaori didn't have that same hope. She knew her life was never going to be as it was before, but thats what life is. Its always moving forward, and she is stuck in the past.

Kaori sat on the hospital bed, stairing up at the celine as Zuko did his job and watched her. He watched her sit up and unwrap her bandages.

"H-hey! You can't do that." Zuko cautioned, trying to get her to stop it.

"I just wanna see what I did." With that, her bandage came all the way off and she saw that she had dug the knife in so deep that she had hit a bone! She could see the bone to her palm clearly, she also saw some broken blood vessels. It made Zuko sick to see that, so he turned his head. She smirked and tied her hand back up in the bandages. "Can't handle alittle suicide effect?" She asked him teasingly. He couldn't look at her untill her whole hand was back in the bandages. "Squeemish?" He shook his head.

"Of course not!" When he looked back at her, he saw her palm again and turned his head. "Wrap that back up before you get yourself hurt even more!"

"Oh don't worry." She began to wrap it back up. "I'll be fine." Zuko watched her as she weaved the bandages back over her wound, he had not known that she could stab herself so deeply.

"Why do you want to die anyway? Just because you lost your mom doesn't mean that you should hurt yourself." Zuko told her she shook her head.

"I can't tell you why! All I can tell you is that I have been lieing to you and your uncle. Everything I told you was a lie, and I can't even desifter lies from truths anymore." Zuko rose an eyebrow to what she had said. "Sometimes I think Im lieing to myself.." A tear once again trickled down her face. "But as long as I have to be alive, I have to know what I've done wrong, and wish I hadn't done what I did...besides...even if I did die, I wouldn't be with momma again...Momma would be in heaven while im trapped in hell." Suprised at what she had said, Zuko tried to deny what she was saying. "You just need to leave me alone Zuko, I've got my own life to do as I wish with it, you have no say in it. If I deside to die, thats my choice."