Return of the Hanyou

By: Lady Tiger LiLy

Chapter 5: Painful Past

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Rin was kneeling on the rock-covered shore of the river as she dipped her wooden pail into the rushing water. It quickly filled and she placed the pail at her side.

She sat still where she was and just stared at the flowing water; lost in her thoughts…

"Are you going to make me all better, Rin-sama?"

"What kind of priestess are you to let a poor child suffer and die?"

The tears were swelling in Rin's eyes until they finally broke free and dripped down her cheeks. She covered her face with her hands as she finally let herself sob for the first time since her and Mamoru left that village. Suddenly, she heard the sound of rocks being stirred. She stopped crying and lifted up her head to the left of where she sat.

A few feet from her stood the demon lord, Sesshomaru.

She stared at him in silent awe and surprise as she dried her face with the sleeve of her priestess clothing.

"Why have you come back to this village?" he asked.

Her expression fell. She turned away from him to hang her head in humiliation. "I've failed…" she replied softly. She then covered her face again as she began to sob. "You were right! I am such a fool! I can't do this! This wasn't supposed to happen!"

"Neither was this," he replied. Rin turned her tear-stained face to him and saw he was glancing to his left shoulder where his arm was severed. "But it did. One shouldn't give up because one bad thing occurred or they are weak and have no place in this world."

Rin looked away in shame, tears still in her eyes. "If I was a better priestess…"

"Stop crying and open your eyes, Rin. That child would have died whether you helped her or not. Don't listen to the irrational accusations of a grief-stricken woman. The child was much too frail and weak."

Rin's eyes widened as she turned back to him. She never told him… He was there when that happened?

Sesshomaru turned with his back to her. "Do as you wish, Rin." He then began to walk away.

Rin quickly rose to her feet. "Wait!" she called to him. "What if I wish to come with you?"

He stopped and turned half way around to face her. He stared at her without a word for a moment. "That is not what you wish," he replied. He turned back around once more. "Your companion… you are fond of him, and the others here in the village, you wish not to leave them."

Rin did not understand what Sesshomaru meant by what he said about her being fond of Mamoru. Yes, she liked Mamoru and has grown to enjoy his company while they traveled together, but beyond that she couldn't fathom. After all, he was much younger than her. But what he said about her not wanting to leave her friends was true. She cared about all of them so much. Even though this was all true, she thought about what he had told her before that, and knew it was not the reason he would not let her go with him.

Sesshomaru began to walk away again when he heard the clacking of rocks. He then felt two arms wrap around him from behind. He stopped; surprise shown on his face just barely and only for an instant before it fell back to it's usual solemn expression.

Never in all her years had she ever embraced him as she was doing this moment. Her face was buried in his long silver hair that flowed down his back. Her arms had reached around his torso easily as she wrapped them around him firmly, almost as if willing him to stay. "Thank you," she spoke softly after turning her head down so his hair would not muffle her words.

He said nothing. He felt her grip loosen, and as her arms retracted, he began to move forward again.

Rin watched him as he walked off silently into the forest once more. 'Thank you,' she thought again. She realized what he was trying to tell her. He was saying that she is not to blame, and that she should get up and try again. If she were to go with him, she would not do that.

"Sesshomaru-sama!"

Rin heard a rustling in the some bushes behind her. She turned to find the small green toad demon pop out and run past her. "SESSHOMARU-SAMA!" he cried out. He then turned around to find Rin standing there. "Rin? Have you seen-?"

"That way," she said, pointing in the direction he left in.

"Ah! Thank you! Good to see you again, Rin! Good-bye! Sesshomaru-sama!" he shouted again as she hurried off.

Rin couldn't help but smile as she watched him leave. After he was gone from sight, she went back to get the pail of water and then began to head back to the village. About half way back, Rin found Mamoru. "Oh, Mamoru. What are you doing here?"

"Rin-sama, I… I wanted to talk to you about what happened before… that is, I wanted to tell you that what happened is not your-"

"I know," she smiled at Mamoru. "Thank you."

"Are you going to be ok?" he asked.

She nodded still with a smile. "Yes."

He then smiled too. "Good. Here, let me carry that for you."

Rin let Mamoru take the pail from her as they headed back to the village side by side.

---

"Ah," Kagome sighed. "This is just what I needed after all the walking we did today. I forget I'm not as young as I used to be."

Inu-Yasha and the others made camp near some hot springs they found as the day was coming to an end. Kagome and Sango were both exhausted from the day's travel and eagerly went to go relax in the hot water. Inu-Yasha and Miroku were sitting next to the campfire. They both gathered the wood, and with Kirara's assistance, got the fire going. The two men had been sitting by the fire, watching the flames for some time when Inu-Yasha turned and stared at Miroku.

Miroku soon felt his gaze and turned to Inu-Yasha. "Yes?"

"Are you waiting for me to turn my back on you like before?"

"What are you talking about?" Miroku asked in pure confusion.

"Like how it used to be! I'd turn my back on you for a second and you were gone to go spy on the girl's in the hot spring!"

"Oh please, Inu-Yasha, I was a young man then. Besides, it's not like it's nothing I haven't seen before."

"We both know that is not the point."

"Well, aren't you? You and Kagome are married. You can finally fulfill that desire you had back then to go spy on Kagome while she goes bathe in the hot springs and you don't have to feel bad for enjoying it."

"WHAT?" Inu-Yasha shouted in outrage. "I was never like you, bouzu! I still can't figure why Sango went and married you!"

Miroku laughed at the hanyou's reaction.

Inu-Yasha quickly cooled down. "Oh, the last time we came here and saw you guys, Kagome said that Sango mentioned your wedding anniversary was coming up. She told me I should get you something." Inu-Yasha grabbed Kagome's backpack near him and rummaged down to the bottom of the bag. He pulled out something of a rectangular shape, wrapped in cloth, and handed it over to Miroku. "Here."

Miroku took it, puzzled at what Inu-Yasha could have possibly have gotten him. He untied the string that was keeping the cloth on the present and then carefully opened the cloth. Inside the cloth wrapping was a book. "This looks like one of those study books that Kagome used to bring with her," he commented.

"Oh, this is a study book too… of a different kind…"

Miroku flipped open the book to take a look inside. His eyes widened as he looked upon the random page he landed on. He quickly shut the book and looked over at Inu-Yasha. "What the hell kind of study book is this?"

"Kagome says it's a book that teaches couples different way to make love."

"Wait, so Kagome knows you got this for me?" he said with embarrassment.

"No! She doesn't know. This is more of a 'man-to-man' thing."

Miroku cautiously opened the book again and glanced at the page he landed on before. "What a time you live in, my friend. Oh, how I envy you."

Inu-Yasha chuckled. "See, back when Junko was a little girl, Kagome wanted to take her to this place called a library. It's a place that has lots of books you can borrow and while I was there with them, I found a book like that one. Kagome suggested her and I check it out." A grin began to spread across Inu-Yasha's face. "The library didn't get their book back for a long time. One day, Kagome came home with a bought copy of the book so I would take the other one back to the library before they started to charge me for keeping the book for so long. Ever since her and I checked out that book, our bedroom life has been better than ever! Hell, it's been great!"

"Inu-Yasha, you hentai," Miroku said with a sly smile.

"I am not!" he protested. "I just happen to like being with my wife! There's nothing wrong with that!"

Miroku didn't say anything as he looked down at the cover of the book. He then turned back to Inu-Yasha. "Thank you, but I don't think I'll be needing this," he spoke as he handed the book back to Inu-Yasha.

Inu-Yasha blinked. "What's the matter? Are you intimidated by this book or something?" he snickered.

Miroku smiled though he looked saddened.

---

Sango kept looking off into the forest around them though there was nothing to be seen except trees.

"Sango-chan? Is something the matter? You look troubled," Kagome spoke. She then giggled. "Are you looking out for Miroku-sama? Does he still like to spy on you?"

Sango turned away from her friend. "Kagome-chan…? Does Inu-Yasha want for you to have more children?"

"Oh, no! Him and I agreed on only one child," Kagome replied. "What about you and Miroku-sama? Didn't you guys want a big family?"

"Yes…"

Sango seemed troubled. "Sango-chan? Are you ok?" Kagome asked in concern.

"Kagome-chan… can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure, Sango-chan. You can talk to me about anything. What is it?"

"I don't think… Miroku wants to be with me anymore…"

"What?" she replied in surprise. "Sango-chan, what are you talking about?" Kagome waded around to face Sango and saw that she had tears forming in her eyes. "Sango-chan, what happened? Did Miroku-sama tell you this?"

"No…" she replied, turning away from Kagome.

"Then why would you think he doesn't want to be with you anymore after all these years?"

"Kagome-chan… I can't… I can't give Miroku the big family he has always wanted."

"Oh, Sango-chan, you and Miroku-sama still have some time. Maybe you can try-"

"No, Kagome-chan, it's not just that I'm running out of time… I… I can't…"

"What are you talking about, Sango-chan?"

"I'm scared…"

---

"How many times has this happened?"

"I don't know. The first time was more than enough for Sango… "

"So she's scared she'll have another miscarriage?"

"Yes… she becomes deeply hurt with every loss that she doesn't want any intimacy until she is ready to try again. These times of grieving for her seem to become longer and longer. She won't even talk to me about how she is feeling. She used to cry on my shoulder, but as this happened again and again, she won't even do that anymore. I've heard her cry in the middle of the night many times. She keeps her pain to herself. I worry about her so much… And I feel I can do nothing for her even if she would let me…"

---

"Mamoru was conceived after we were wed. I was so happy to have given Miroku a son. About a year after we had Mamoru, I was pregnant again… and that's when the miscarriages began. We tried for five years. I had several miscarriages during that time. After each one, I would push Miroku away for a time while I dealt with the pain of the loss of each unborn child…"

"Oh, Sango-chan… I had no idea. I'm so sorry." Kagome put her hand on her friend's shoulder to console her.

Sango looked up at Kagome and gave a small smile. "But then I had Kohana and I was happier than I had ever been. When I held her in my arms for the first time, I cried. She was just so perfect… I was so thankful she had made it. I thought Miroku and I would finally be able to start making that large family we both had wanted…"

---

"But it happened again?" Inu-Yasha spoke.

"Yes…"

---

"So how long has it been…?" Kagome asked Sango.

---

"-since you and Sango…?" Inu-Yasha trailed off.

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Sango thought about it for a moment. "Um, about…"

---

"Over a year," Miroku replied to Inu-Yasha.

---

"A YEAR?" the two replied to the person they were talking to.

---

Kagome blushed. "Sorry! It's just that me and Inu-Yasha… Well, we've never gone-"

---

"-that long!" Inu-Yasha explained to Miroku.

Miroku smiled. "Don't worry about it."

"So that's why you aren't going off to spy on your wife! You don't want to rouse yourself because right now she's not giving you the time of day!"

Miroku sweatdropped.

---

"A year ago…" Sango began. "I did give birth to a third child… But… She was born two months too early… She didn't… She didn't make it through the night… She was too weak…" She pulled her hands up out of the water and covered her face.

"Sango-chan…"

She removed her hands so she could speak. "Kagome-chan… she died in my arms!" She began to cry. "The pain of the death of my born child was much worse than that of any of my miscarriages! I had held her small, fragile body! I touched her tiny hands and feet! Felt her breath! Heard her cry!"

Kagome's heart was breaking for her friend. She stood up and grabbed a towel to wrap around her body. She then grabbed a second towel for Sango. Sango saw this through teary eyes, stood up and took the towel and wrapped it around herself as well.

"Now that we are both somewhat clothed…" Kagome pulled Sango in a hug and held her tightly. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that, Sango-chan… I wish I could have been there for you."

Sango sniffled and nodded as she hugged her friend back. "You're the only one I've talked to about this," she told her.

"Not even Miroku-sama?" Kagome asked as she pulled away to look at her friend.

"No… it hurt too much then to talk about it… Besides… how would he know what it was like? To have carried this living being inside me for six months… to have given birth to new life and then to have it taken away?"

"Sango-chan…" Kagome put her hands on her shoulders and looked into her face. "It was his child too. She was a part of him. Don't you think Miroku-sama might have been hurting too at the loss of his own flesh and blood?"

"Yes, he was…" Sango recalled. "I had never seen him more grief-stricken in my life. But still, he could never understand my pain; the pain of when a mother looses her child… and it hurt too much for me to talk to him about it. It hurts now to talk to you about it, Kagome-chan… But it also hurts keeping it inside…"

Kagome hugged her friend again. "You know I will always listen."

"Yes, and thank you."

---

"I tried to comfort her, but I knew there was nothing I could do to take away the hurt she was feeling. Of course, I was hurting too. Nothing is as painful, as heart wrenching, as the death of your own child."

Inu-Yasha said nothing. He wasn't sure what to say. He was thankful though that he never had to go through any of what Miroku was telling him.

"But I can only imagine how much worse it had to be for Sango…" Miroku continued. "After our little girl's death, Sango has become more distant that ever before… A month went by before I came to Sango, but she turned we away. I came to her again a few times after that but she still did not want to be with me. I've stopped coming to her since."

---

"He doesn't come to me like he used to… I think he's finally tired of having a wife who can't give him anymore children…" Sango said as she sat next to Kagome on a large rock in the hot springs. They let their legs hang in the water with their towels wrapped around their bodies.

"So are you saying you're ready to be with him again intimately?" Kagome asked.

"Well, yes, I do want to be with him… It's just that… I don't want to disappoint him again… I don't want to go through that pain again… I don't think I can endure any more."

"I'm sure he wants to be with you too, Sango-chan, but you've turned him down and pushed him away for so long that maybe he's just waiting for you to come to him."

Sango looked over to Kagome in surprise. "Me come to him?"

Kagome looked back in surprise too. "You've… never approached him when you've wanted to be intimate?"

Sango shook her head. "It's always the husband who must come to his wife."

"Well, Sango-chan, that's gonna have to change!"

---

The two fully dressed women came back to find their men sitting by the fire that they kept going while they were taking a bath.

"Hi," Kagome greeted her husband as she sat down next to him. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he automatically put his arm around her shoulder. The spring night was a bit cooler tonight than before.

"Feel better?" Inu-Yasha asked, his free hand prodding the kindling with a stick.

She nodded her head. "Today was quite a work out for me," she smiled at him.

He gave a light smile back at her. He then glanced over to Miroku who was holding out his right hand so to help his wife, Sango, to sit by his side. She gingerly took the hand that was his cursed hand, and knelt at his side. They sat shoulder to shoulder, him with her hand still in his for he had not let it go.

Kagome noticed this as well, but she also noticed that Sango's face was a bit flush as Miroku held her hand, resting it against his thigh. She knew Sango was still thinking about their talk from earlier. 'She hasn't been with him in so long…' she thought. 'She's acting like a shy little girl. Sango-chan, it's ok to have thoughts of being intimate with your own husband!'

"How are you?" Miroku asked Sango kindly. "Better too, I hope, now that you have relaxed from the day's journey."

"Um, yes," she replied. She had wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and was grasping it in her free hand to keep it around her.

"You seem a bit distracted, Sango. Is everything alright?" he asked her.

"I was… just thinking…"

Kagome's eyes widened. Was she going to talk to him now about that? With her and Inu-Yasha right here?

"…about Mamoru…" Sango finished.

Kagome took an inner sigh of relief.

Miroku covered his wife's hand with his free hand. "Please try not to worry. He is in good hands with young Rin."

Sango nodded.

"Perhaps we should all rest now," Miroku suggested. "Another day's journey is ahead of us."

"Right," Inu-Yasha agreed.

Both Inu-Yasha and Kagome watched as Miroku leaned over to kiss Sango tenderly on the side of her forehead before he stood up.

'They seem so distant from one another…' Kagome thought sadly. 'Through these tragedies that have happened to Sango-chan, she has not only avoided intimacy with Miroku-sama, she has also pushed him away from her all together… She has never talked to Miroku-sama about her feelings about the miscarriages. She's been carrying that pain all alone…'

Both Sango and Kagome settled themselves for bed. Kagome laid out her sleeping bag near the fire while Sango had a couple of blankets for her own bedding that she laid out for herself. Little Kirara curled up next to Sango. Miroku sat against a nearby tree so that he could rest and be ready in case something were to occur. Inu-Yasha was doing the same. He sat against another nearby tree and was staring at the flames of the fire. Kagome noticed Inu-Yasha seemed deep in thought. "Inu-Yasha?" she spoke.

Inu-Yasha blinked out of his thoughts and turned to his wife. "Hm?"

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he told her.

"What were you thinking about?" she inquired.

"Nothing," he replied. "Sleep well, Kagome."

Kagome nodded. "Good-night, Inu-Yasha."

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AN: I'm so sorry this took so long! I couldn't figure out how to end this chapter. I have the outline for the next chapter mostly done so hopefully I will get that going soon.

Yes, I know, this chapter has a LOT of angst. And well, my reason for that is I didn't want the couple to seem like they live happy fairy tale lives. Even though Miroku and Sango love each other, and his curse was lifted, and they got married and had a family together, doesn't mean their troubles were over. Every couple faces some sort of problem. It would just be naïve to think otherwise. So yeah, there you have it.

Oh, and about the book gift for Miroku, I just thought that would be a funny gift for our favorite lecher! And before you all start giving me strange looks, I can honestly say, I have never seen a book of such things ever in my entire life!

Check out my Deviant Art page for my Inu-Yasha fan art! You can find the link on my bio page.