"I've been thinking about what you said to me, Xander," Buffy said as she entered the bookstore.
"What did I say?" Xander asked, though he had a good idea of what the slayer was talking about. He didn't want to upset Buffy by bringing it up before she was ready. It had been an entire week since he and Buffy had spoken. Yes, they had exchanged a few noncommittal sentences, but never more than that.
"What you said about me dating again," Buffy said.
"I've been thinking about that too Buffy and I-"
"I'm ready."
"What?" Xander asked in disbelief.
"You were right about everything. Spike is not coming back, and it's time I get over him, live my life again. I've survived terrible heartbreak before, I can survive this."
"That's great Buff, I'm really proud of you. But I want you to know that I'll support whatever decision you make. I know that this past year has been hard for you. I'm there for you no matter what," Xander assured the slayer.
"I know Xander. I love you," Buffy said, going over to Xander and wrapping her arms around him. Xander patted the slayer's back gently.
"So, have anyone in mind?" Buffy asked after a moment.
"Yup, a guy that I just met actually. He's really cool and I think that he'd be good for you. Nice, wholesome…." Xander trailed off and Buffy was tempted to add boring to his description, as that's certainly how he sounded to her. However, she wasn't going to push her luck. Xander had found a guy for her, and she was going to go out with him. Besides, it was only going to be one date, how bad could it be….
When Spike awoke it was without the slayer beside him. Opening his eyes slowly he sniffed the air casually. It was a few hours past midday, put the sun wasn't out. Rolling out of bed he peeked tentatively out the window shade, his suspicions confirmed. It was raining.
"Buffy," He called softly as he exited the slayer's room, still shirtless. Spike entered the kitchen as Buffy was finishing up loading the dishwasher.
"Hey Spike!" She greeted happily.
"Hey love," Spike replied, confused by her joyful mood. "Are you alright?"
"Of course. I'm a little antsy though— I think I'll take a walk. I know we have a lot of business to take care of today, I'll only be gone for a little while," Buffy said, closing the dishwasher door and wiping her hands on a yellow dish towel. "That cool with you?"
"Of course. I'll come with," Spike suggested.
"Actually, I'd rather go alone, if that's OK with you. I need time to work some stuff out," Buffy responded with a tight smile.
"Are you sure?" Spike asked after a moments pause, eyeing the slayer with confusion. Just last night she had been the frail shell of a slayer, speechless and afraid. Now, she acted as if nothing was wrong. As if her mother's death was something she would deal with by going on a quick jog.
"I'm sure," Buffy answered with exasperation. She walked to the front door, Spike on her heels and grabbed a leather sweater from the coat rack. "If It starts to rain hard I'll come back," Buffy assured Spike, noting his confused expression.
"Alright love. Have fun," Spike replied, completely intending to follow the slayer. Buffy gave Spike a quick hug before leaving.
It was five minutes later when Spike left the house. He had thrown on a t-shirt and boots, as well as his duster, and was concentrating hard on catching a whiff of the slayer's sent so that he could follow her. That's why he wasn't aware of the hand that flew at him, pushing him against the wall. Spike immediately on the defensive, struggling against the tight grip the person held him against the door of the slayer's house with. However, when he looked down to see whom his captor was he was met with the slayer's arched eyebrow.
"I thought I told you not to come with me," Buffy said, a trace of amusement evident in her voice, as well as a bit of anger.
"I'm worried about you slayer," Spike explained after Buffy had released him. "You're in total denial mode. You do remember what happened last night, right?" The vampire asked. He had tried to avoid bringing up Joyce's death, but now Buffy was acting too strangely. She was acting…well….perfectly normal. And it was only a matter of time before she broke down.
"Of course I remember Spike," The slayer said, a hint of sadness in her voice. But I need to work this out on my own. So you stay home, I have ID in my pocket as well as my phone number so if anything happens to me someone will find me and call home. Now stop worrying big brother."
Spike rolled his eyes at Buffy's last comment. Part of him pleased, another part crushed. But now wasn't the time to ponder his unreturned romantic feelings for the slayer. Now was the time to go inside and wait nervously by the phone, praying it didn't ring.
"Just come back if it starts to rain any harder than this," Spike commanded, his voice gentle, yet still letting the slayer know that this command didn't leave any room for disobedience. Buffy rolled her eyes once more before heading off at a leisurely pace. Only turning once to make sure that Spike went inside. He did, and spent the afternoon thinking and pacing nervously in front of the phone. It was two hours three minutes later when the phone rang…
Spike walked purposefully through the doors of the LA police station. Ignoring the shouting of the officers at the desk he walked with long hurried strides through another set of double doors and into the office of Officer Robert Captoff. Spike spotted Buffy curled up in the corner of Officer Captoff's office immediately. Her hair, soaked by the rain, stuck to her face, and she was huddled under a purple blanket that Spike assumed had been supplied by the police station. As soon as she heard Spike come through the door she looked up, meeting his piercing blue eyes with her hazel ones.
"Get up. Now," Spike said coldly. Buffy whimpered and began muttering under her breath. Spike stepped toward her. However, he was intercepted by Officer Captoff placing an arm on his shoulder, and gently guiding him to the other side of the office, away from the whimpering slayer.
"One of our patrol cars picked her up. She was walking in the rain with what the officer reported as a catatonic stare. She didn't respond when he called out to her, and when brought in, all she would say was mutter something about needing her mother and needing Spike. Do you have any idea what happened?"
"Yeah," Spike said, his voice taking on a softer tone, nothing like the one he had used just moments before when speaking to Buffy. "Yesterday her mother was found dead…murdered by a gang. Today she woke up and acted like everything was alright. I knew that sooner or later she'd break down…it's just…and then she promised she'd come back inside if it began to rain harder and…" Spike trailed off, staring at the shell of the slayer that sat in the corner.
"I understand," Officer Captoff said, gathering from Spike's story what had happened. "If Miss Summers can just attest to the fact that she recognizes you, and you show us some ID then you can go home. Take good care of her." Spike nodded his understanding and walked over to the Slayer, kneeling beside her.
"Hey love," He whispered softly, "sorry 'bout the tone of voice I used earlier. We can talk about what you did after we get you cleaned up." Buffy stood, the purple blanket falling from her shoulders, and with only a nod thanks directed at the officer from Spike, the pair exited the building. No one asked for ID. Spike didn't even notice.
"Can you tell me what happened today?" Spike asked once Buffy was at home, dried off and sitting on the couch nursing a cup of hot chocolate. Buffy nodded, resting her head on Spike's shoulder and placing the cup of hot chocolate on the coffee table in the living room before she spoke.
"Today I knew what had happened. I knew my mother had diedand had accepted it. I understood it. That's why I broke down, I think."
"I don't understand. If you understood what had happened, why did you act so aloof?" Spike asked, rubbing her hand absent-mindedly along Buffy's arm, as if transferring his strength to her.
"I guess I just…it was like I didn't miss her. Like I knew my mother was gone, and I didn't even care," Tears feel silently from the slayer's cheek and she wiped them away hastily. "And I just felt so…"
"Angry," Spike supplied.
"Guilty," Buffy clarified, "I felt guilty."