Authors Note of Totally Wicked Authors note-ness:
Well, let's see… all I own is the idea?
And not even that, because honestly, this has probably been done before… I just haven't seen any xD
And I don't own the characters, except ones that you don't recognize from JKR's books. I.E. Cai, Ash, Steph, and… well, anyone else I come up with xD
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'Top 5 Steps to Get the Guy of Your Dreams!
By Miranda Hinklepuff
'So, if you are reading this article, I assume you are having guy troubles.'
The redheaded girl nodded at the copy of Witch Weekly in her lap. She was up quite early on a Saturday morning (Around 11 AM), and it was for a good reason. The aforementioned guy troubles.
'Well then, keep reading. We here at Witch Weekly have compiled the best dating advice from anyone who's anyone in the Wizarding World. Advice from the most eligible women in Wizarding Britain, advice from women who have already found their dream men, even advice from the most eligible bachelors! Follow this advice, and we guarantee you'll have the boyfriend of your dreams in a month.
Or you might just have a following of men emitting stalker tendencies. But really, what's the difference?'
The girl snorted, and put the magazine down. She couldn't believe that she was resorting to this. But it was necessary.
You see, a one James Potter had not talked to a certain Lily Evans in a long time, unless it was about Head's duties, or homework.
James had not talked to, bothered, argued with, tried to kiss, or even asked Lily to go out with him.
Normally, this would not be a problem. For three years, twenty-seven days, four hours, and 37 seconds (All right, Lily wasn't counting. She thought that this timeframe would seem more impressive if it was exact), Lily had been trying to get James to stop asking her out.
And then the unthinkable happened. James Potter actually deflated his huge (and quite adorable) head, and became… well, less of a git. Understandably, he still retained some of his old qualities (pranking, mussing up his hair, etc.), but he had changed. And at that point Lily had done exactly what James had been wanting her to do for years.
She had fallen in love with him.
Of course, at first, it was a strong liking. More akin to friendship, really. But as the months progressed, Lily Marie Evans had fallen in love with James Michael Potter.
Yes, she even knew his middle name. That showed her extreme dedication.
Of course, James did not realize this. And in one of Lily's futile attempts to rid herself of these new-found feelings for James (one must admit, feelings such as these for a guy who you had previously hated were strange and unwanted, at first.), James had decided to give up on her.
Granted, he had caught her snogging Davey Gudgeon, but he missed the part where she pushed Davey away and ran after him.
But that one meeting had sparked the now less than amiable relationship between Lily and James.
The redhead sighed again, and went back to the article.
'Step 1. Introduce yourself. Start a conversation. Don't be overly exuberant about talking, let him get some words in edgewise.'
Lily smirked. Oh yes, introduce herself to James. She had a feeling he already knew her name. Start a conversation? Previously it would have ended in arguing, now it would have ended with James agreeing with whatever she said. And let him talk? If she let him talk, they'd be sitting there until the full moon, and where would that get Remus?
Let's skip to step 2, shall we? She thought.
'Step 2.Arrange a second meeting (Or a third, or fourth, depending on if you've already seen this bloke before.). Take into consideration what he says, and turn it to your advantage. Find common ground to talk about.'
Common ground? Oh yes, that would be a pleasant conversation. 'Hullo James, why haven't you tried to get me to go out with you lately? Well, budger that. Let's talk about Head's duties!'
No, no, it would just be easier to skip to step three.
'Step 3.' She read. 'Take the initiative. Act attentive. Laugh at his jokes. Find out what his favorite meal is. Invite him to go out with you to a place where said meal is served quite well. Or find out what his favorite restaurant is, and take him there.'
Damn. None of these steps would help, since the next Hogsmeade trip was in three weeks, and she wanted James to talk to her now. Or snog her. But really, if he just talked to her without mentioning anything to do with being one of the Heads, it would be a major improvement.
Although… it could work…
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A somewhat nervous Lily was found in the Great Hall a few minutes later. Taking a seat near the middle of the table, for that was where the boys usually sat, she settled in to wait until they all showed up.
And show up they did, about two hours later. However, once James saw where Lily was sitting, he tried to run out of the hall. Sirius, Peter and Remus stopped him, however, for they had an inkling of an idea as to what Lily was up to.
Or not. They just wanted to see James squirm with Lily sitting right in front of him. For the sole reason of wanting to force their friend to realize what he was missing out on, and that the girl in front of him loved him desperately.
Of course. That was the only reason.
But for whatever reasons come up in the strange mind of Sirius Black, and the slightly less strange mind of Remus Lupin, and the unknown mind of Peter Pettigrew, they were forcing James to sit across from Lily.
Throughout the meal (A very late breakfast, as it were), Lily laughed at all of James' jokes, passed him the jam (peach, not grape, nor strawberry, for he was allergic), and made sure that nothing went wrong.
Of course, the sixth time that she forced a laugh (in honesty, many of his jokes were not funny. At all. ), James decided something was up.
"Has someone force-fed you a Laughing Potion?" He inquired, and Lily blushed before mumbling her excuses and fleeing.
However, she did not hear the rest of the conversation.
"Brilliant, James," Remus said, rolling his eyes. " 'Has someone force-fed you a Laughing Potion?' Honestly."
"Well what else was I supposed to say?" James asked, poking his omelet fiercely.
"I dunno," Sirius answered, "How about, 'I love you, marry me and we'll make babies who are born with my hair and your shagadelic eyes!'"
"Who has shagadelic eyes?" A girl asked from behind them, and Sirius grinned before turning to face her.
"Only you, dearest Ashey," She laughed before kissing his cheek and sitting beside him, followed closely by Cai and Stephanie.
"You were talking about Lily again, weren't you?" Cai asked. The boys nodded, and Peter asked,
"Well, what else would we talk about? Honestly, James, you've gone overboard on this. You ignore her to no end, and now she's laughing at anything you say. You ignoring her has made her go crazy, mate. You-" He broke off to stare and Cai, Ash, and Stephanie, who were chattering excitingly.
"Do you think she-"
"Of course she did, why else would she-"
"But why hasn't she come to-"
Was all the boys could make of the conversation. With a quick peck on the cheek of Sirius from Ash, and a wave in the direction of the other boys, the girls left the Great Hall in Lily's footsteps.
"Honestly," Peter told them. "Those girls are just barmy. Now a Ravenclaw or a Hufflepuff… they never go crazy like that."
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'Step 4. We trust that you have followed all steps previous to this. There is of course, one step left after this one. But we shall get to that in a paragraph or so.
Step four is to analyze everything you know about this man. To decide whether or not it's worth going to step five. Of course, if your list includes the words "He's hot, enjoys playing quidditch, and loves chocolate," then go right ahead. Now analyze, girl!
And that is exactly what Lily did. For precisely 34 seconds (Again, Lily was not timing anything!), before the door to the Head's common room was flung open.
And again, that showed her dedication. Before, she couldn't stand to be in this particular common room, preferring to spend her time in the Gryffindor Common Room or in the girl's dorm. But now she haunted the Common Room. Rather like Moaning Myrtle, she thought, but without the whole screaming like a banshee thing.
And as the door to the Common Room was flung open, she realized a few things.
A. It must be Cai and the girls, because Cai had a habit to slam doors around, treating them like inanimate objects.
Which most were, except for the door to this particular room. His name was Herman, and he enjoyed Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Beans and Pina Coladas.
B. She had already analyzed James Potter over the past few weeks/months/years.
C. He's hot, he enjoys playing quidditch, and he loves chocolate.
Which is really all one needs to know to read ahead to step five.
"Hey Lily," Ashton Fitch asked inquisitively, "Have you seen a copy of Witch Weekly I left laying around here last week? I wanted to finish one of the quizzes."
Lily nodded glumly. "Yeah, it's right here." She threw the offending issue at them, and fell back into her comfy chair.
The girls looked over the magazine, snickering when they came to the article.
"Ah Lily, so that's why…" Stephanie Jones said, trailing off.
"So that's why what?" Lily asked suspiciously.
Cai Brown broke into laughter, rolling across the floor before rolling into the slate of the fireplace.
"Ouch!" She yelped, before remembering what she was laughing about. "Oy, Lils, you've been trying to get James! Haven't you!"
Lily rolled her eyes. "No, I've been trying to get Sirius."
Ash looked shocked. "Lily! I trusted you!" Stephanie rolled her eyes.
"She's kidding," She explained to Ash. "At least, I hope she is." Lily nodded, and broke into weak giggles.
"Well, why are you following this article?" Ash asked. Lily sighed.
"Well, it all started when…"
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An hour or so later, after Lily had explained her story, the girls sat in a circle in the common room.
"So what am I going to do about it?" Lily asked them. They all looked at each other before replying as one,
"Look at the last step!"
She thumbed through the magazine until she found it, and then promptly shrieked, dropping the magazine. "No! No bloody way! I will not!"
'Step 5. Snog him senseless. Always the best step to getting what you want. Buena suerte!'
The other three girls smiled.
"Ooo, Lily, let's give you a makeover!" Cai suggested excitedly.
Lily looked at her blankly. "Cai, if you think I'm even letting you near me with glamour spells…"
Cai grinned sheepishly. "Well, Ashey and Steph are included in the whole makeover thing. I'll just pick out your clothes!"
Lily sighed, obviously relieved, but then her mind thought back to why exactly they were talking about a makeover.
"No! I refuse! I'll- I'll… I'll run away! I'll live as a barmaid in the Leaky Cauldron and marry a forty-year-old bartender. You'll never take me!"
The three looked at her strangely.
"Oh who am I kidding," Lily said, putting her head down on the coffee table. "Just get it over with."
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"Now Lily," Stephanie said as she tugged on her hair, trying to get it to stay up in a ponytail. "You need to think of where to take James for this… rendezvous. I would suggest the Astronomy Tower, but-"
"Nuh uh," Ash interrupted. "Don't go to the Astronomy Tower." Seeing the inquisitive looks, she murmured, "Well, Sirius-"
"No no no!" Cai nearly shouted. "I don't want to hear about that."
"But that would be totally cliché," Stephanie continued, ignoring Ash's outburst at being called cliché. "Now, the Room of Requirement could be a possible option." Cai coughed, and everyone turned their gaze on her.
"Er… well…" She mumbled, and Stephanie elbowed her.
"Just spit it out, Brown."
Cai rolled her eyes. "Well… you can't go to the Room of Requirement either," She mumbled.
"Oooh," Ash said loudly, "You're going with Remus then?"
Cai stood up, knocking Lily's clothes assortments to the floor. "Why do you always assume its Remus? Why does everyone always assume its Remus? We're not even going out! And you know what happens when you assume!"
"You make an ass out of you and me," Everyone chorused.
"Right on," Cai told them, hands on her hips. A few minutes later, once everyone had gotten back to what they had been doing, she chuckled.
"It is Remus, if any of you would like to know," She told them.
Cai then had to dodge two pillows and a History of Magic Textbook.
"Hey, at least that textbook is good for something!" She shouted, and ran around the room as Stephanie chased her. However, Lily tried at this moment to escape this torture, as she now decided to call it.
"Escape!" Ash shouted, trying to make her way across the bedroom floor full of clothes, to the doorway where Lily was just creeping out. The blonde and brunette immediately stopped their chasing and tackled Lily to the floor.
"Hah!" Stephanie shouted, punching her fist in the air triumphantly. "You can't escape!"
Lily just blew her hair off of her face, and settled in for a long discussion about where she could bring James while her hair was being forcibly done up. However, Stephanie decided that nothing could be done with Lily's hair, and proceeded to pick out clothes for her.
"Hmm… I think lime green," She said, twirling her wand in her fingers.
"Nuh uh," Cai informed her, "Navy blue."
"Gold!" Ash shouted, and Lily covered her ears with her hands.
"Stop!" She shouted in reply, but it went unnoticed, for the other three occupants of the room were arguing.
And if by arguing you meant that Stephanie was waving her wand around turning objects lime green, Ash was listing the reasons why exactly Lily would look completely spiffing in gold, and Cai was running around the room shouting,
"Nah nah nah nah naaaah nah! She's wearing navy blue!" With her fingers in her ears while charming pillows to fly at the girls, then you were correct.
Lily just stood there, a bit shocked. However, soon a piercing whistle was let out through the room, stopping the girls in their tracks.
All four turned to face the door, where Sirius was standing, a cheeky grin on his face.
"Oh, so you four are having a pillow fight without me? How terrible of you!" Jumping on the bed, he grabbed a pillow before saying, "Carry on!"
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An extremely disheartened Sirius was found in the Gryffindor Common Room a short while later. Remus hid a grin with his hand as he patted Sirius' shoulder consolingly.
"I just don't understand why they didn't want to have a pillow fight!" He said loudly, and Remus sighed.
"Maybe because you were in the room, Sirius?" He shook his head.
"No way. They must have another reason."
Remus rolled his eyes. This was going to be a long discussion.
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Lily stood in the middle of her bedroom, shell-shocked. All three girls were currently firing coloring charms at her school robes, turning her into an odd version of Sleeping Beauty at the ball.
"Stop!" She shrieked, as she was hit with all three charms at once, causing the robes to have an odd array of colors. "I'll just wear all three colors!"
"You already have them all on your robes, Lils," Cai pointed out, and Lily rolled her eyes.
"Three colors, three different pieces of clothing!" She told them, and began rummaging through her wardrobe.
What she found was a navy blue sweater, an airy skirt in a golden-brown color, and-
"Why is it that no one has anything except lime green socks?" Stephanie wondered idly, as Lily stood in front of them. She pulled on her school robes (She had charmed them back to basic black) and then asked,
"So, where do I take him?"
Stephanie mused for a second. "Well, not the third floor balcony-"
"Oh, you and Petey?" Came the question.
"No, not me and Pettigrew," She replied, and Ash looked at her, perplexed.
"You're going to pull a Cai now, and say that it really is Peter, aren't you."
"No, I'm not." She told them.
"You know, you can admit it is Petey," Cai told her. "We won't make fun of you. Much."
"It's not Peter Pettigrew."
"Yes it is," Lily said, enjoying the game, as it got the attention off of her.
"Nope."
"Yes!" The other three girls shouted.
"Fine," Stephanie told them. "You were right. It is Peter." Gasps broke out through the room, and Cai started laughing.
"You know how I said we wouldn't make fun of you? I was kidding."
"Peter Williams from Ravenclaw," She told them with a smile.
The girls chucked pillows at her until they felt better, and then they all collapsed on the floor.
"So…" Lily said, after about fifteen minutes of staring at the ceiling. "Where do I bring him?"
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James Potter stared at the Gryffindor Common Room floor
One wood panel… two wood panel… three wood panel… four…
Sirius jumping off of the stairs and running to where James was lying on the sofa interrupted his most interesting and quite important thoughts.
"Jim-bob!" He shouted excitedly. "The girls are planning something. Lily was in the middle of it."
"And…"
"And you should get all dressed up and take her out. I think she'll say yes this time!"
James rolled his eyes. "Sirius, you've said that every single time I've asked her out over the past three years."
Sirius shrugged. "All right, Moony says that she'll say yes this time."
He just shook his head. "No, she wouldn't. You guys are just trying to make me feel better. Or get me to stop 'ignoring' her. But it's not going to work. I'm going to sit here, count the floor panels, and then go to bed early."
Sirius swooned dramatically, landing on James. "Jim-bob, did you hear what you just said? Counting floor panels? Going to bed early? What has become of you!" He stood up, standing on James' back, and posed. "A Marauder does not sit! A Marauder does not count floor panels!" He ignored James' reply that yes, that was what he had been doing the entire afternoon. "A Marauder does not go to bed early! A Marauder goes out! A Marauder gets the girl! A Marauder does not ignore a person of the opposite sex! A Marauder takes the initiative!"
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Lily lay down on her bed and closed her eyes. "Guys, I can't do this. I'm going to chicken out."
An epidemic of eye rolling went through the room, and Cai stood over Lily.
"Lily Marie Evans, if you think you're going to chicken out, you're wrong!"
"I'm wrong?"
"Yes, you are!" Ash added.
"Terribly wrong. Oh so terribly wrong," Stephanie put in.
"Right on. You have to take the initiative. Who's been ignoring who? You can't wait for James to make the move! You told him no so many times he finally got the message! Now go out and fix what you've done!"
Lily sighed. "I'm still too nervous. I can't do this."
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"No way, Sirius," James said, rolling over and pushing his friend to the floor. "She told me no. I took what she said into consideration. I tried to get the girl. Couldn't. So I stopped."
Sirius stood back up, and grabbed a History of Magic textbook. He then proceeded to whack James over the head with it a few times. "Pull yourself together man! Are you a Marauder or not?"
James mumbled something, and Sirius hit him again.
"What was that?"
"I said," James told him, a bit peeved, "I suppose I am."
"And what would a Marauder do?"
"Go get the girl," James muttered.
"So then what are you waiting here for?" Sirius said, and whacked him once more over the head for good measure before pulling James up and dragging him towards the portrait hole. Opening it, he said dramatically, "Go get your girl!"
"Hi Sirius!" Ash said, from where she was dragging Lily to the portrait.
"Ashey!" Sirius said, and bounded over to her (Bringing James with him, of course). "Fancy meeting you here!"
Cai punched his shoulder good-naturedly. "And what are we, chopped liver?"
He shook his head. "I was thinking more of a pate, honestly."
After a bit of arguing, during which both Lily and James tried to escape, Sirius said excitedly,
"Guess what! James has to talk to Lily!"
"What a surprise!" Cai told him, "Lily has to… talk to James, too!"
The rest of the group let out collective gasps, while James and Lily rolled their eyes.
"What a coincidence!" Stephanie said, and immediately poked Lily. "Go on, tell James!"
Lily glared at her. "Excuse me, but could you all leave?"
James nodded. "All of you, out. I know you need to go find your dates for tonight."
The rest of the group left, mumbling their excuses, and James turned to Lily.
"All right, I suppose they dragged you here, and you can leave now."
Lily, a bit surprised that he was talking about something other than Head's Duties, took a minute to respond.
"No, I really do need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere… well, can we go somewhere else? In front of the Common Room entrance isn't the best place."
James shrugged. "Our common room?" Lily shook her head.
"No…" That would be the worst place of all! She thought. What if he pushes me away and runs in fear? Then I wouldn't be able to set foot in that room! So caught up in her thoughts, she didn't realize that James was already leading them someplace.
"Er… Where are we going?" She asked.
"Room of Requirement," He informed her.
"Oh, we can't go there." At his questioning glance, she said, "Cai and Remus."
"And Sirius and Ash are in the Astronomy Tower… Oh, I know the place."
He wanted to take me to the Astronomy Tower? Probably just a reaction. Bet he takes all the girls there… Ah, screw it, he wanted to take me to the Astronomy Tower! Lily thought happily.
"We're here!" James said with a flourish, and pushed aside a tapestry to reveal a medium-sized storage room. He quickly transfigured two boxes into two chairs, and motioned for Lily to take a seat.
"So what did you want to talk about?" He asked her.
Lily thought about this, and asked the question that had been most on her mind. No, not 'Will you snog me?'.
"James, why have you been ignoring me? Well, not so much ignoring, but… well, not asking me out."
James looked a little bit shocked. "Well, you got so annoyed whenever I asked you out, and you always cursed me, so I gave up."
"James-"
"And I decided that you would be happier if I just didn't talk to you, so-"
"James-"
"And you seemed fine with it, so-
"James!"
"And I mean, why would you have a problem with me not asking you out? I only did what you've been asking me to do for years! And-"
With a scream of frustration Lily jumped out of her seat, grabbed James by the shoulders, and kissed him.
Of course, being a smidge furious, she missed his mouth at first and kissed his nose, but James quickly recovered.
"Oh, that's why," He muttered when they came up for air. Lily just grinned, and went back to snogging him.
However, a few minutes later James stopped her.
"Weren't you saying you had to finish that Transfiguration essay?"
She rolled her eyes. "Well, besides that subtle hint that I was trying to ask for you to help me, no. Cai helped me finish it yesterday."
"Oh. Well, could you help me with my potions essay?"
Lily looked at him strangely. "You mean I'm kissing you, and all your thinking about is a potions essay?"
"No… yes… not really!" James spluttered. "See, I was thinking about all the hints you were giving me that I just realized about. And I've decided that the Common Room will be a whole lot nicer than a dusty storage room."
Lily laughed heartily, but agreed. And so the two started to walk to their common room.
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"Professor McGonagall! Professor McGonagall!" A tearful Gryffindor first year shouted as she ran through the corridors, ending up in front of the Professor's office.
Professor McGonagall emerged from her office, wearing a tartan dressing gown. "Yes, Miss Martin?"
The first year burst into tears. "It's terrible, Professor ma'am! Horrible!"
"There, there," McGonagall said, trying to comfort the little girl. "What's the matter?"
"It's the… the Head Boy and Head Girl!" She managed to get out. McGonagall's face turned to stone.
"What are they arguing about now?" She asked wearily.
The first year shook her head. "No, they're not arguing." She replied, using the sleeve of her robes to wipe away her tears. "He's eating her! It's terrible!"
"The Head Boy is… eating the Head Girl?" McGonagall asked, slightly confused.
The girl nodded. "I was walking around, and I was a bit lost, when I thought to try and find the Head Boy or Head Girl. And then I found them, and he was eating her!"
McGonagall was a little less confused. However, it was her duty to punish them for… eating each other, as the girl put it.
She strode in the direction of the Head's quarters, the little first year trailing behind her, lamenting the loss of the eaten Head Girl.
As they rounded the corner, she came upon a terrifying sight.
James Potter kissing Lily Evans.
Never thought possible in a million years, but it was happening.
I guess I owe Albus those 5 galleons, she thought sadly.
Her thoughts, however, were interrupted by the first year attacking James, hitting him over the head.
"Stop eating the Head Girl, you… you… Head Girl eater you!"
"Lily, stop standing there laughing, help me!" He shouted as he ran in circles, finally colliding with McGonagall.
"Potter," She said ruefully.
"Minnie!" He shouted, and shook her hand enthusiastically. "You see, me and Lily here were… finishing our Potion's essay!"
"You were eating her!" The girl yelled, and hit James again.
"Ow!" He yelped, and ran behind Lily. McGonagall held the girl back, but she was still yelling something that sounded like,
"You ate the Head Girl! How dare you?"
Casting a quick Silencio spell, James walked towards the girl, ignoring the outcry from McGonagall and Lily.
"You see Lily? She's fine. All in one piece. I did not eat her. If you promise to stop yelling at me, I'll tell you what we were doing."
"Potter!" McGonagall yelled.
"James Michael Potter-" Lily said angrily.
"How do you know my middle name?" He interrupted.
"If you tell that girl anything," She continued, "I will… I'll refuse to eat you ever again!" At that she burst out laughing and James smiled.
"Fine." Taking off the spell, he murmured, "Go to Sirius Black, and ask him, all right?" The girl nodded, and James quickly walked away with Lily, leaving McGonagall to try and convince the girl to avoid Sirius at all costs."
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"So the Head Boy was eating the Head Girl, while they were near their Common Room?" Sirius said, stroking his chin as if in thought.
The girl nodded.
"And James told you to come ask me about the whole 'eating' situation?"
She nodded again.
He smiled. "Prongs, you old dog. Or stag. Corrupting our little Head Girl!" Sirius laughed, and went off to find James.
The first year turned to her friends. "Remind me to never let a guy eat me," She told them wisely.
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And… that's it xD I'll go back to writing Wake Up, Flower now… xD
I know, a bit crazy… but I was extremely bored and I went to 7-11 and there was a magazine with an article sorta like this… heh xD
So just review and tell me what you think of it xD I know that besides being a bit crazy, it's a bit stupid… but I needed a funny one-shot to write xD