* SCENE XXIX *
_______________________
--Sora and Riku sit in the food court at the mall after some shopping. They are both very quiet.
Sora: Riku, I feel this weird calling inside.
Riku: Like God or something?
Sora: No, like someone is crying out for help.
Riku: (sarcastically) Oh. Good thing you can take care of everybody with such care and assistance.
Sora: Riku...stop it. You know I care about you.
Riku: I could really tell just how much you cared in the bathroom a while ago. You're just so sensitive to callings of help from outside forces but not forces that are right smack in front of your goddamn face!
Sora: Riku, I'm sorry.
Riku: It's fine. Forget about it! Are we done shopping yet?
Sora: Well, I'll have to borrow your clothes again 'cause we only have our suits for the funeral.
Riku: Can you manage walking home alone?
Sora: Well, yeah. Of course.
Riku: Here. (hands Sora forty dollars) Take it and get an outfit for yourself. I'm gone.
Sora: What? But Riku!
Riku: Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and run into your girlfriend.
Sora: Okay. I won't take long. I'll just go into one store and that's it.
Riku: It's getting late. So hurry up. I'm locking my door at 8.
Sora: Okay.
--Riku leaves and Sora walks through the mall to get an outfit. To the side there is one of those mini catwalks for a mall fashion show. Sora stops to watch. A woman dressed in a long pink button-down dress and a long brown braid stands on the catwalk with a microphone and note cards.
Aerith: Hello everyone and welcome to this wonderful mall fashion show. Today we will be showing off some nice (squints at her note cards) duds? What's a dud? Anyway, first we have Leon wearing a bright yellow tank top and bright orange shorts with a gold decaled belt by Paopu Express Co.
Leon: Somebody kill me.
Sora: Leon! I thought you were in your world!
Leon: For some reason we all ended up here instead of where we were supposed to be. So now we work at the mall for extra munny to afford to live in a "small house" here on this island.
Aerith: No talking while you're modeling!
Leon: Slave driver!
Aerith: And next up we have Cloud wearing a simple set of overalls and a red summery shirt. Black boots by Trip Machine Inc.
Cloud: I swear to god, Aerith! I will kill you! And this time, you won't magically come back.
Aerith: (whispers to Cloud) Kingdom Hearts 2 in 2004. (snickers) Isn't my wittle Cloudy adorable!
Sora: (eyes huge) Cloud! This is almost scary!
Aerith: Next we have Yuffie.
Yuffie: (grabbing microphone from Aerith) Hello everyone! I'm wearing this cute little summer dress with a purse by Shiro-i hime Inc.!
Aerith: (pushing Yuffie away and grabbing microphone back) Thank you, Yuffie! And get off the stage...you are fired!
Cloud: FF7!
Aerith: Next, we have Sephiroth wearing a Speedo and towel set with goggles by Rotting Olsen Co.!
Sephiroth: Look at me! Ladies, ladies, aren't I just...oh, so breathtaking.
Fangirls: Oh, Sephi!!!
Sephiroth: Selphie? No, no, it's Sephiroth.
Fangirls: SEPHI!!!
Sephiroth: No! Dammit! My name is Sephiroth! Like this: Sef-er-oth!
Fangirls: (fainting) Sephi!!!!
Sephiroth: Jesus Christ! (lunges out with his magic kendo sword and chops of their heads)
Cloud: FF7!
Aerith: Sephiroth! Come on!
Sephiroth: That'll show Disney to give me a bit part in their dumbass game.
Cloud: You looked really cool though.
Sephiroth: Is this modeling thing over yet? Let's go get some food?
--They all go backstage to change.
Aerith: Well, hehe, thank you for coming. Bye bye! (leaving the stage and microphone behind) Hey, Sora! Would you like to come?
Sora: Oh, sure. It should be fun!
--They all go to Weinershnitzel.
Sephiroth: (shoving a Chili Cheese Dog into his mouth) I ope miss idnt burnin boo fon, Gowd!
Cloud: What? Swallow!
Sephiroth: (gulp) I said: 'I hope this isn't turning you on.'
Cloud: Don't worry. Aerith is though. Eat it, honey, eat it!
Aerith: Not in front of Sora.
Sora: You're acting like you are my parents or something.
Aerith: But we are. Think about it. You are blessed with the mighty power to wield the keyblade and you think you were really born from the people of this island.
Sora: Oh. Then why did you leave me here?
Cloud: Had to.
Sora: Well, it does make sense. I have Cloud's hair and Aerith's hair coloring.
Cloud: And the eyes.
Sora: And since my island parents died, well, it is nice to know that I still have parents.
Cloud: Biological.
--All of a sudden a hoey looking chick runs up.
Tifa: Oh, my God! Cloud honey! There you are! For our wedding, I was thinking lavender Bride's Maid's dresses and tulips. It would be so beautiful and unique!
Cloud: Security!
Tifa: AHHHHH!
Cloud: Go on.
Sora: Well, taking all that into consideration, if Riku was able to become so powerful and evil well...
--Everyone stares at Sephiroth, who is still stuffing his face.
Sephiroth: Wha? (gulping up food) Why is everybody looking at me?
Sora: He kinda looks like you.
Cloud: What do you mean kinda? If Riku was taller and his hair was longer...
Yuffie: OMG! Your Riku's dad?!!!
Sephiroth: Wha? Who said that?!!!
Sora: You've go to be!
Sephiroth: Huh? Riku? You mean that kid...
Cloud: That looks like a Mini-You!
Sephiroth: Lemme see a picture!
Sora: (pulls out his wallet) Here.
Sephiroth: Oh, shit! It looks just like me!
Cloud: So who did you screw 15 years ago?
Aerith: Cloud, language.
Cloud: Sorry. May I inquire the name of the partner you engaged in sexual intercourse with 15 years past?
Sora: That sounded worse.
Cloud: I know.
Sephiroth: Hmmm...
Leon: You don't get that much action, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Who was that chick that just got taken away by security?
Cloud: Tifa.
Sephiroth: I think it was her.
Yuffie: WHAT?!
Leon: Tifa Lockheart?!
Sephiroth: Sounds like a stripper name don't it.
Leon: You know, it does. But what about all of that clone business?
Sephiroth: Oh, yeah. Damn. So is he my son or not?
Leon: There's only one way to find out!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jerry: Welcome to Jerry Springer! Here today we have Sephiroth and a group of his friends that have come to answer the question: Is Riku his son?
Cloud: It sooo is.
Sephiroth: I just gotta know!
Jerry: First up, we have a special guest for you to meet, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Who?
Jerry: Tifa! Come on out!
Sephiroth: What?!! NO!
Tifa: Don't you remember? You and me, on the beach, warm sand between our hot writhing bodies...
Sephiroth: Enough! I was drunk that night!
Tifa: You've got your story; I've got mine!
Sephiroth: Look, I just want to know if Riku's my son or not.
Jerry: Well, Sephiroth, we've got the results right here!
Sephiroth: Lemme see!
Jerry: Not until the end of the show!
Tifa: Don't deny it! It's your baby!
Cloud: First off, it's not a baby. He's 15.
Sephiroth: And second, I'm not denying it.
Leon: And thirdly, he could be another failed clone.
Jerry: Okay! Spotlight on me now. Thank you! We have another surprise guest.
Sephiroth: Damn.
Jerry: It's Riku!
Sephiroth: Oh, cool.
Riku: Lemme get this straight. You could very well be my father, right?
Sephiroth: Yes.
Riku: But if you are, that means that this whore next to me would be my mother.
Sephiroth: Sadly.
Riku: Okay. The latter is going to be terribly difficult to get used to. (glaring at Sora) One store, huh? Straight home?
Sora: Um, I...
Jerry: So, audience, what do you think about Riku's father. Is it Sephiroth?
Audience Member 1: Nu-uh, girlfriend! No man would love me and leave me, 'specially not with child! Even if that little bitch is the father...
Sephiroth: Bitch?
SLICE!!!
Sephiroth: Anyone else want to talk bad about the "dead beat dad" that never knew he may have been a father anyway.
Cloud: FF7!
Tifa: I never really thought about the father. I just had the kid and then Ansem made me give it up.
Sephiroth: Ansem's behind all of this?
Jerry: We have another special guest. It's Ansem!
Ansem: Hi.
Sephiroth: Anyone in the audience want to call him a bitch?
Audience Member 2: I'd like to say that you have got to be the father and I hope you get full custody instead of that stupid whore! And this new guy is messed up for taking your baby!
Sephiroth: Preach it!
Ansem: I'm leaving.
Sora: Wait a sec! Aren't you dead?!
Ansem: (disappears)
Sephiroth: Okay...hey, Jerry, can I have the results now?
Jerry: Fine. Riku is 99.9%...
Sephiroth: Yes?
Jerry: ...
Sephiroth: Well, say it!
Jerry: ...
Sephiroth: Jesus!
SLICE!!!
Cloud: FF7! (grabs the results from the now headless Jerry's hands) Blah, blah, blah. Hmmm...Riku is 99.9% your son!
Riku: Dad?
Sephiroth: Son?
--They both hug.
Riku: There's so much we need to catch up on!
Sephiroth: I love you son!
Riku: I love you too dad!
_______________________
--Sora and Riku sit in the food court at the mall after some shopping. They are both very quiet.
Sora: Riku, I feel this weird calling inside.
Riku: Like God or something?
Sora: No, like someone is crying out for help.
Riku: (sarcastically) Oh. Good thing you can take care of everybody with such care and assistance.
Sora: Riku...stop it. You know I care about you.
Riku: I could really tell just how much you cared in the bathroom a while ago. You're just so sensitive to callings of help from outside forces but not forces that are right smack in front of your goddamn face!
Sora: Riku, I'm sorry.
Riku: It's fine. Forget about it! Are we done shopping yet?
Sora: Well, I'll have to borrow your clothes again 'cause we only have our suits for the funeral.
Riku: Can you manage walking home alone?
Sora: Well, yeah. Of course.
Riku: Here. (hands Sora forty dollars) Take it and get an outfit for yourself. I'm gone.
Sora: What? But Riku!
Riku: Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and run into your girlfriend.
Sora: Okay. I won't take long. I'll just go into one store and that's it.
Riku: It's getting late. So hurry up. I'm locking my door at 8.
Sora: Okay.
--Riku leaves and Sora walks through the mall to get an outfit. To the side there is one of those mini catwalks for a mall fashion show. Sora stops to watch. A woman dressed in a long pink button-down dress and a long brown braid stands on the catwalk with a microphone and note cards.
Aerith: Hello everyone and welcome to this wonderful mall fashion show. Today we will be showing off some nice (squints at her note cards) duds? What's a dud? Anyway, first we have Leon wearing a bright yellow tank top and bright orange shorts with a gold decaled belt by Paopu Express Co.
Leon: Somebody kill me.
Sora: Leon! I thought you were in your world!
Leon: For some reason we all ended up here instead of where we were supposed to be. So now we work at the mall for extra munny to afford to live in a "small house" here on this island.
Aerith: No talking while you're modeling!
Leon: Slave driver!
Aerith: And next up we have Cloud wearing a simple set of overalls and a red summery shirt. Black boots by Trip Machine Inc.
Cloud: I swear to god, Aerith! I will kill you! And this time, you won't magically come back.
Aerith: (whispers to Cloud) Kingdom Hearts 2 in 2004. (snickers) Isn't my wittle Cloudy adorable!
Sora: (eyes huge) Cloud! This is almost scary!
Aerith: Next we have Yuffie.
Yuffie: (grabbing microphone from Aerith) Hello everyone! I'm wearing this cute little summer dress with a purse by Shiro-i hime Inc.!
Aerith: (pushing Yuffie away and grabbing microphone back) Thank you, Yuffie! And get off the stage...you are fired!
Cloud: FF7!
Aerith: Next, we have Sephiroth wearing a Speedo and towel set with goggles by Rotting Olsen Co.!
Sephiroth: Look at me! Ladies, ladies, aren't I just...oh, so breathtaking.
Fangirls: Oh, Sephi!!!
Sephiroth: Selphie? No, no, it's Sephiroth.
Fangirls: SEPHI!!!
Sephiroth: No! Dammit! My name is Sephiroth! Like this: Sef-er-oth!
Fangirls: (fainting) Sephi!!!!
Sephiroth: Jesus Christ! (lunges out with his magic kendo sword and chops of their heads)
Cloud: FF7!
Aerith: Sephiroth! Come on!
Sephiroth: That'll show Disney to give me a bit part in their dumbass game.
Cloud: You looked really cool though.
Sephiroth: Is this modeling thing over yet? Let's go get some food?
--They all go backstage to change.
Aerith: Well, hehe, thank you for coming. Bye bye! (leaving the stage and microphone behind) Hey, Sora! Would you like to come?
Sora: Oh, sure. It should be fun!
--They all go to Weinershnitzel.
Sephiroth: (shoving a Chili Cheese Dog into his mouth) I ope miss idnt burnin boo fon, Gowd!
Cloud: What? Swallow!
Sephiroth: (gulp) I said: 'I hope this isn't turning you on.'
Cloud: Don't worry. Aerith is though. Eat it, honey, eat it!
Aerith: Not in front of Sora.
Sora: You're acting like you are my parents or something.
Aerith: But we are. Think about it. You are blessed with the mighty power to wield the keyblade and you think you were really born from the people of this island.
Sora: Oh. Then why did you leave me here?
Cloud: Had to.
Sora: Well, it does make sense. I have Cloud's hair and Aerith's hair coloring.
Cloud: And the eyes.
Sora: And since my island parents died, well, it is nice to know that I still have parents.
Cloud: Biological.
--All of a sudden a hoey looking chick runs up.
Tifa: Oh, my God! Cloud honey! There you are! For our wedding, I was thinking lavender Bride's Maid's dresses and tulips. It would be so beautiful and unique!
Cloud: Security!
Tifa: AHHHHH!
Cloud: Go on.
Sora: Well, taking all that into consideration, if Riku was able to become so powerful and evil well...
--Everyone stares at Sephiroth, who is still stuffing his face.
Sephiroth: Wha? (gulping up food) Why is everybody looking at me?
Sora: He kinda looks like you.
Cloud: What do you mean kinda? If Riku was taller and his hair was longer...
Yuffie: OMG! Your Riku's dad?!!!
Sephiroth: Wha? Who said that?!!!
Sora: You've go to be!
Sephiroth: Huh? Riku? You mean that kid...
Cloud: That looks like a Mini-You!
Sephiroth: Lemme see a picture!
Sora: (pulls out his wallet) Here.
Sephiroth: Oh, shit! It looks just like me!
Cloud: So who did you screw 15 years ago?
Aerith: Cloud, language.
Cloud: Sorry. May I inquire the name of the partner you engaged in sexual intercourse with 15 years past?
Sora: That sounded worse.
Cloud: I know.
Sephiroth: Hmmm...
Leon: You don't get that much action, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Who was that chick that just got taken away by security?
Cloud: Tifa.
Sephiroth: I think it was her.
Yuffie: WHAT?!
Leon: Tifa Lockheart?!
Sephiroth: Sounds like a stripper name don't it.
Leon: You know, it does. But what about all of that clone business?
Sephiroth: Oh, yeah. Damn. So is he my son or not?
Leon: There's only one way to find out!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jerry: Welcome to Jerry Springer! Here today we have Sephiroth and a group of his friends that have come to answer the question: Is Riku his son?
Cloud: It sooo is.
Sephiroth: I just gotta know!
Jerry: First up, we have a special guest for you to meet, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Who?
Jerry: Tifa! Come on out!
Sephiroth: What?!! NO!
Tifa: Don't you remember? You and me, on the beach, warm sand between our hot writhing bodies...
Sephiroth: Enough! I was drunk that night!
Tifa: You've got your story; I've got mine!
Sephiroth: Look, I just want to know if Riku's my son or not.
Jerry: Well, Sephiroth, we've got the results right here!
Sephiroth: Lemme see!
Jerry: Not until the end of the show!
Tifa: Don't deny it! It's your baby!
Cloud: First off, it's not a baby. He's 15.
Sephiroth: And second, I'm not denying it.
Leon: And thirdly, he could be another failed clone.
Jerry: Okay! Spotlight on me now. Thank you! We have another surprise guest.
Sephiroth: Damn.
Jerry: It's Riku!
Sephiroth: Oh, cool.
Riku: Lemme get this straight. You could very well be my father, right?
Sephiroth: Yes.
Riku: But if you are, that means that this whore next to me would be my mother.
Sephiroth: Sadly.
Riku: Okay. The latter is going to be terribly difficult to get used to. (glaring at Sora) One store, huh? Straight home?
Sora: Um, I...
Jerry: So, audience, what do you think about Riku's father. Is it Sephiroth?
Audience Member 1: Nu-uh, girlfriend! No man would love me and leave me, 'specially not with child! Even if that little bitch is the father...
Sephiroth: Bitch?
SLICE!!!
Sephiroth: Anyone else want to talk bad about the "dead beat dad" that never knew he may have been a father anyway.
Cloud: FF7!
Tifa: I never really thought about the father. I just had the kid and then Ansem made me give it up.
Sephiroth: Ansem's behind all of this?
Jerry: We have another special guest. It's Ansem!
Ansem: Hi.
Sephiroth: Anyone in the audience want to call him a bitch?
Audience Member 2: I'd like to say that you have got to be the father and I hope you get full custody instead of that stupid whore! And this new guy is messed up for taking your baby!
Sephiroth: Preach it!
Ansem: I'm leaving.
Sora: Wait a sec! Aren't you dead?!
Ansem: (disappears)
Sephiroth: Okay...hey, Jerry, can I have the results now?
Jerry: Fine. Riku is 99.9%...
Sephiroth: Yes?
Jerry: ...
Sephiroth: Well, say it!
Jerry: ...
Sephiroth: Jesus!
SLICE!!!
Cloud: FF7! (grabs the results from the now headless Jerry's hands) Blah, blah, blah. Hmmm...Riku is 99.9% your son!
Riku: Dad?
Sephiroth: Son?
--They both hug.
Riku: There's so much we need to catch up on!
Sephiroth: I love you son!
Riku: I love you too dad!