* SCENE XXXIII *
_______________________
--Meanwhile at the coroner's office.
Coroner: Now, how long has your friend been dead?
Goofy: Only a day.
Coroner: Cause of death?
Goofy: Um, he drowned himself in my bathtub.
Coroner: (questioning) In your bathtub?
Goofy: Yes.
Coroner: Ah.........okay then. Suicide or accident?
Goofy: Suicide. He left me a suitcase with these. (hands him the will, suicide note, and an invitation) He wants a "special type" of funeral.
Coroner: Special type?
Goofy: Yes. (hands him the other note)
Coroner: Ah.........(reads) Pyrotechnics?
Goofy: (gulp) Yes.
Coroner: Since he's already dead, we don't have that much time to prepare, but if we put him in the cooler, he should last us about a week.
Goofy: Um, he started sending out invitations a few days ago. The funeral has to be on the 3rd of next month.
Coroner: Four days? Four days to do this?
Goofy: Yes.
Coroner: Who is your friend?
Goofy: Donald Duck.
Coroner: Oh. (swallows some pills and chugs down some Scotch) Okay, we can have it done. It's gonna cost. But, I can have it done.
Goofy: Thank you. About how much?
Coroner: The funeral will be about.........45,000. Not including the coffin. The coffin will be 15,000 at the least and the actual burial will be 25,000. How many will be attending?
Goofy: I'm not sure.
Coroner: It's going to be $500/head.
Goofy: (crying) I see. I haven't got a prayer, do I?
Coroner: No, I'm afraid you don't.
Goofy: Wait! What about his bank account? He's dead so why would it matter? We clean it out and use that for the funeral! Ha, ha!
Coroner: Good plan.........so I suppose you'll have to visit the bank and come back. Well, I have three more appointments today, so I'll pencil you in and begin the preparations. I will need my money a day before the celebra.........I mean funeral.
Goofy: Why did you almost say celebration?
Coroner: Well you see.........I've had to deal with this Donald Duck character before. His first funeral was a disaster. Everything was decked in heavenly fabric. Whites, golds, and blues. And he was dressed in a toga with a harp at his side and wings upon his back. Everyone was there, crying and carrying on. Daisy, Mickey, and Minnie.
Goofy: Why wasn't I invited?
Coroner: Don't know.
Goofy: I was probably in knight training.
Coroner: Anyway. At the end, a choir of nuns came out and sang a hymn as Donald, with the aid of wires, floated up above the coffin and screamed "Howdy folks!" Everyone was in shock, especially Daisy.
Goofy: Did you know?
Coroner: No, but I think he paid off the nuns because right after that he landed and grabbed an electric guitar hidden in the coffin and stared to play "Dude Looks Like a Lady."
Goofy: With the nuns?
Coroner: With the nuns.........they even had choreography!
Goofy: Damn.
Coroner: So I suggest before you go any further with this, you make sure that son of a bitch Donald is as dead as you think he is.
Goofy: What do you suggest?
Coroner: Do what you've got to do. Every dog has his day, and yours is to make sure that you've got a dead duck in the tub and not a live one.
Goofy: Are you suggesting.........
Coroner: Just go! I'm tired of lamely breaking it down for you: If he's not already dead than kill 'em or call off the funeral. Personally, the former is much more amusing.
_______________________
--Meanwhile at the coroner's office.
Coroner: Now, how long has your friend been dead?
Goofy: Only a day.
Coroner: Cause of death?
Goofy: Um, he drowned himself in my bathtub.
Coroner: (questioning) In your bathtub?
Goofy: Yes.
Coroner: Ah.........okay then. Suicide or accident?
Goofy: Suicide. He left me a suitcase with these. (hands him the will, suicide note, and an invitation) He wants a "special type" of funeral.
Coroner: Special type?
Goofy: Yes. (hands him the other note)
Coroner: Ah.........(reads) Pyrotechnics?
Goofy: (gulp) Yes.
Coroner: Since he's already dead, we don't have that much time to prepare, but if we put him in the cooler, he should last us about a week.
Goofy: Um, he started sending out invitations a few days ago. The funeral has to be on the 3rd of next month.
Coroner: Four days? Four days to do this?
Goofy: Yes.
Coroner: Who is your friend?
Goofy: Donald Duck.
Coroner: Oh. (swallows some pills and chugs down some Scotch) Okay, we can have it done. It's gonna cost. But, I can have it done.
Goofy: Thank you. About how much?
Coroner: The funeral will be about.........45,000. Not including the coffin. The coffin will be 15,000 at the least and the actual burial will be 25,000. How many will be attending?
Goofy: I'm not sure.
Coroner: It's going to be $500/head.
Goofy: (crying) I see. I haven't got a prayer, do I?
Coroner: No, I'm afraid you don't.
Goofy: Wait! What about his bank account? He's dead so why would it matter? We clean it out and use that for the funeral! Ha, ha!
Coroner: Good plan.........so I suppose you'll have to visit the bank and come back. Well, I have three more appointments today, so I'll pencil you in and begin the preparations. I will need my money a day before the celebra.........I mean funeral.
Goofy: Why did you almost say celebration?
Coroner: Well you see.........I've had to deal with this Donald Duck character before. His first funeral was a disaster. Everything was decked in heavenly fabric. Whites, golds, and blues. And he was dressed in a toga with a harp at his side and wings upon his back. Everyone was there, crying and carrying on. Daisy, Mickey, and Minnie.
Goofy: Why wasn't I invited?
Coroner: Don't know.
Goofy: I was probably in knight training.
Coroner: Anyway. At the end, a choir of nuns came out and sang a hymn as Donald, with the aid of wires, floated up above the coffin and screamed "Howdy folks!" Everyone was in shock, especially Daisy.
Goofy: Did you know?
Coroner: No, but I think he paid off the nuns because right after that he landed and grabbed an electric guitar hidden in the coffin and stared to play "Dude Looks Like a Lady."
Goofy: With the nuns?
Coroner: With the nuns.........they even had choreography!
Goofy: Damn.
Coroner: So I suggest before you go any further with this, you make sure that son of a bitch Donald is as dead as you think he is.
Goofy: What do you suggest?
Coroner: Do what you've got to do. Every dog has his day, and yours is to make sure that you've got a dead duck in the tub and not a live one.
Goofy: Are you suggesting.........
Coroner: Just go! I'm tired of lamely breaking it down for you: If he's not already dead than kill 'em or call off the funeral. Personally, the former is much more amusing.