There have been all these robins outside of my house recently. I can't help but wonder if I'm subliminally summoning them with my writing. XD

Chapter Five

I should have been thinking about Starfire. But I wasn't.

I lie awake, long into the wee hours of the morning, contemplating instead what had occurred between Robin and myself.

After we had all seen the ugly mark on Star's door, she had begun to speak normal English words again, and we managed to interpret that it had just been there when she had approached her room to ready herself for bed. Robin, Cyborg and I entered her room and searched for intruders with our fists at the ready, but we found no one. Nothing was out of place. Our masked man had made his mark and left.

Raven, after a long period of awkward silence, suggested that she sleep in Star's room that night, to help in case the hooded crook returned. We all quickly agreed that this was a good idea, though Robin insisted that he and the rest of us keep watch outside of the door, as well; who knew, after all, what that black mark truly meant? Cy and I agreed to take shifts; Robin would watch first, for two hours, then me, then Cyborg, and by that time, it would be morning and time to get up, anyway. Starfire thanked all of us and hugged us tightly, and a few minutes later, Robin nodded to Cyborg and I as we headed to our own rooms to get in a few solid hours of sleep before we were needed.

Cy turned to me once we were out of earshot. "What's going on between you and Robin, BB?"

I sighed, rubbing the bruise on my face half-consciously and flinching a little in pain. "…To be honest with you…I don't really even know."

"Were you guys talking in the living room after Rae and I left?"

"Yeah. Starfire left, too, so it was just me and him."

"Did he hit you again?"

I shook my head. "No. In fact, he…apologized."

"Really?" Cy looked surprised for a reason I didn't understand. "Huh. Well, that's good to hear. Hey…where are your gloves?"

I blinked down at my bare hands, suddenly remembering that I had taken them off and set them beside me on the couch. "Oh…I left them in the living room…I guess I should go get them, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess you should." He sounded distracted. I turned on my heel and started jogging for the living room, stopped only by his voice a second later. "Hey…Beast Boy?"

"Yeah?" I asked, turning back to him.

"…No matter how crazy he is…Robin really is a great guy, okay?" he said. The words weren't forced at all. "And…he really does like you, no matter what you think. He would never hurt you on purpose…all right?"

"…Okay, Cy," I replied, furrowing my eyebrows a little. He was worrying me. He nodded and waved me on my way, sending me walking down the hall toward the living room in puzzlement.

I heard the undeniable sounds of Batarangs unsheathing themselves and Robin assuming fighting stance, then shortly afterward the fierce hiss of, "who's there?" as I approached. He saw me in the dark and started to throw his weapons, then realized who I was and loosened his muscles. "Oh," he said, sounding relieved. "…Hey, Beast Boy. What's the matter?"

"Eh…forgot my gloves," I said, only realizing with his eyes on me how stupid that really sounded. I could get them in the morning just as easily as I could get them now. But he shrugged and let me pass, anyway, leaning against the wall beside Star's door and sighing heavily. I could feel his eyes on me as I disappeared back into the darkness of the hallway.

I stumbled around the living room and eventually found the couch, feeling along the cushions for my gloves. I found them and pulled them back on, and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled suddenly. I could still smell his body, leaning into the couch cushions, stroking my hand. I shivered and bit my lip, considering, for one crazy second, taking one of the couch cushions to my room with me. But that was foolish; he would see me as I passed and wonder what in the blazes I was doing.

His glove, my mind whispered. He threw it earlier.

My eyes widened and a crooked smile sprung to my lips. I trekked into the kitchen area and looked on the floor, finding his single green glove lying beside the counter. I picked it up delicately and sniffed it, shuddering and reveling in the wonderful scent and jamming the gauntlet into my pocket before dashing back to the hallway.

He let me pass without freaking out this time; probably because he had been expecting me. I beamed at him, and he smiled back, and when I turned the corner at the end of the hallway, I wondered why I was acting so weird. It's the smell, I decided. It's like…Beast Boy catnip. I almost laughed at that thought; it was stupid. But when the door to my room closed behind me, I pulled the wrinkled glove out of my pocket and pressed it into my nose again, inhaling deeply and loving that smell more than anything else in the world.

What had happened between us, I wondered? I got undressed and crawled into bed, stroking my keepsake thoughtfully and pausing every once in a while to sniff at it and smile. Whatever had occurred, something much more dramatic was happening now that I had his glove; with each inhale, I felt my mind clouding even more, and I started considering the most bizarre things. What was it that he had been saying to me earlier?

Beast Boy…are you trying to—?

Trying to what? I wondered, feeling warm and safe in my own bed. No one knew what I was doing but me, and I was happy for that. Our faces were close. I was leaning into him. Trying to…?

Are you trying to…kiss me?

My face flushed and I tried to push that thought away, but my deep inner self told me to let it stay, to think about it. So I did. And I thought about kissing him. It made me feel weird inside, and I kept trying to fight it off, but hormones are nasty little things. I pulled the glove on and stroked my own face lightly, imagining that it was him doing it, and it scared me, how much I liked it. I shivered and curled in on myself after a few minutes, chasing the humiliating images away.

Why would I think that…why would I even consider that…

Because he's handsome and crazy and PERFECT. That's why.

…

And because I've always wanted what I know I can't have.

…He loves Starfire…

And that's exactly why I'm thinking about this. Because I'm jealous…only not of him. I'm jealous of HER.

I blushed and pulled the glove off, biting savagely at my nails. This was not even a possibility. All I wanted was to be his equal. His comrade. Someone worthwhile in his eyes. But what if it was true? What if…to be worthwhile…to be his equal…he had to love me?

Would it really be that horrible?

…No…

It wouldn't be horrible at all, would it?

…

WOULD it?

…N-no…

Because I feel the same way, don't I?

…

…

I kissed the glove and went to sleep. I dreamed about robins getting their heads cut off, and it made me feel sick inside.

I woke up when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"…Beast Boy," he whispered. "Beast Boy, it's your turn to keep watch in front of Star's room."

I sighed, shoving his glove nonchalantly under my pillow. "…All right," I murmured, rolling over onto my back. He looked tired. "What time is it?" I asked softly, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

"…I don't know. Around three?"

I gave him a look as I got out of bed, pulling a clean uniform out of my closet. "Dude. That was way longer than two hours."

"…I know," he said. When I turned around to ask him why he had let me sleep for so long, he was smiling at me in a way that told me I didn't really have to ask. I already knew the answer. I jerked my uniform on and stepped into my boots, my face warm as I remembered my thoughts from earlier on. Should I ask him about it? I wondered, or would he just get mad at me?

I got my gloves off of my bedside table and pulled them on, sighing. I held my hand out for him to shake, noticing that he had gotten a new glove from his vast collection. I wondered if he knew what I had done with his other one. "Well…thanks for letting me sleep in, Boss," I said. He gripped my hand, and for a second I had the crazy thought that he was going to pull me into him and…do whatever…but he just shook his arm up and down, still smiling at me.

"No problem. I'm going to go and get some sleep, now," he said. I nodded.

"Right."

He followed me out of my room, and we went our separate ways; he toward his own room, me toward Starfire's. I wondered what everyone else would say if I told them what I was feeling about Robin. I wondered if it was even really true.

Oh, Beast Boy, this is marvelous! Star would say. She would try to get me to sing a Tamaranian love song to Robin to express your glorious feelings! No. Not good.

…Wait…you WHAT? With ROBIN? Raven would ask. She would give me a look and probably ban me from all areas within a five-foot radius of her and all of her stuff. Also not good.

Cyborg would laugh. Just laugh. That would probably be the worst.

I decided not to tell them.

I leaned against the same wall Robin had been leaning against and I slid down onto the floor, picking pieces of fuzz off of the stretchy material of my uniform. I rested my head against the plaster and closed my eyes, trying to figure out where I had gone wrong. Was it just the smell that was getting to me? I remembered, out of nowhere, this morning. When he had been changing, I had been watching. His smooth, pale skin. The sexy muscle underneath. His body hair. My face burned. No. It wasn't just the smell. He really was attractive.

To me, anyway.

I ground my teeth, hating the feeling. Part of me countered my hatred, not necessarily my deep inner self. Didn't I tell him that everyone falls in love at one point or another?

Yeah, but…it wasn't supposed to happen like this for me. Not…not with him. Why can't I just have a crush on Rae again…?

Because it's like I thought earlier…I know I can't have him, and that's why I want him.

I bit my tongue. Maybe…if I just don't tell anyone…if I don't tell him…maybe it'll just go away…

…If I really want it to go away, then why is his glove balled up under my pillow?

I groaned to myself, raking my fingers through my hair. I wished that, for once in my life, something of dire importance to me would just…work out. But I knew it wouldn't. Nothing ever worked properly. Ever. With my luck, Star would start loving Robin back, and then my chances of him ever even liking me would be reduced to zero in six hundred trillion, instead of my measly one in six hundred trillion. Would I be satisfied if he loved me, I wondered? Or would I just not care, and find something else to distract me from what was really important?

…But this is important, I thought dimly, balling my hands into fists and hating that I was thinking it. It's important…to me. And really…what's so wrong with wanting to be loved?

…Nothing.

What's so wrong with wanting to be loved…by another boy?

EVERYTHING. Everything everything everything EVERYTHING EVERYTHING.

Why?

…

Huh? Why is everything wrong with it?

…Because he…

Hmm?

…I…because he really would hate me, if he ever found out.

Do I know that for certain?

…No.

So then what's so wrong with taking a chance? It's a long shot, sure…but think about it, Beast Boy. Think about the way he smiles at you.

My eyes burned with tears. It hurt to fight it.

…He really is perfect, isn't he?

…

…Only in a different way than I had thought before.

…Oh, God…why does…why do I always have to find new ways to screw myself over…?

Because it's so easy. And because a little tiny part of me wakes up every morning, thinking to itself, 'hmm…how can I screw myself over today?'

…Haha. Very funny.

Sitting there, though…I eventually decided that, no matter how much I hated to admit it, even to myself…that other part of me was right. I really did…find Robin attractive, and in so many more ways than one. I pulled my knees up to my chin and folded my arms over them, burying my eyes in my wrists. I wished I could just forget about him, but I couldn't. The only way I could get away from him for sure would be to quit the Teen Titans, and it really wasn't worth that. The Titans were all that I had. It would be stupid of me to give them up over something so minor.

But it felt like such a big deal, to me.

I guess I dozed off there, because when I looked up again, Cyborg was sitting against the wall on the other side of Starfire's door. I started when I saw him, his cybernetic parts glowing an eerie blue in the darkness surrounding us. He grinned at me when he saw I was awake. "Hey, man. Robin told me it was my turn…he said he figured you'd be asleep when I got here. You can go back to bed, now, though, if you want."

"Urgh," I grumbled, shaking my head. "What time is it now?"

"Around five thirty. I've been here for about half an hour."

I muttered some unnamed swear word under my breath before I got to my feet, wondering why I was so unnaturally tired today. I glanced at him. "…Hey…Cyborg?"

"Yeah, BB?"

I stared hard into his face, considering. He stared back, waiting for my question. "…When you're sparring with Robin…how do you manage to get a hit in edgewise?"

Cy grinned at me. "Well, I usually just wait for him to try and get me with one of his jump kicks. Then I run backward and grab his ankle when he gets too close and just throw him. Until then, I just defend. It's easiest to get him when he's in the air and has nowhere to go but down. Get him by surprise. Just remember that, and you'll get him."

"Oh," I replied, blinking. "Wow. Okay. Thanks, man, I…never thought of that before. Surprise. All right. I can do that."

"It's not a problem, dude. You know you can talk to me about anything."

"…Yeah," I murmured as I turned and started shuffling down the hallway again. "Right, Cy. Anything."

I went up on the roof again, to stare out at the ocean and think. It was easier to think up there…probably because the salty air cleared my head. The moon and the stars smiled down at me from their perches past the atmosphere, and I thought about the gentle, warm feeling of his hand in mine. I thought about the tension in my body as I had watched him change his clothes, wondering, will he turn around? Will he see me? I thought about the subtle feeling of arousal I got out of that irresistible smell, because it made me think about doing things with him that I would never even attempt to do in a sober state of mind. I thought about the way that he smiled at me. I stared down at my palms for what felt like eons, and after some time, I began to see the dirt on them. I had been bad. I wasn't supposed to be doing this. I wasn't supposed to want him like this.

But I did.

God, I did.

And for some reason, I didn't care that all I was really getting out of it was another broken heart.