Chapter Four: Gentle Nightmares
Disclaimer: I DO own Gundam Wing! Three manga versions of it! Yeah, I'm pathetic. I wish I owned GW, if only to torture you poor, pathetic, pervert-ophobics.
Waking up is a nasty affair. All I want to do is slip back into that dark realm called unconsciousness. I wish whoever is doing all the screaming and slapping would just go away. I'm trying to sleep. cough GO WAY! cough cough cough I feel like I'm trying to cough my lungs out of my body to turn them inside out.
"Okaaaaay, okaaaaaay...'M awake!" I moan at the person slapping me silly. Opening my eyes, I'm greeted by a very pail Heero. Geeze, the boy looks nearly white. "You alright, Hee-chan?" I ask in concern.
"He's OK!" Heero called over his shoulder. Wait, where are we? It kinda feels like I'm lying in Heero's lap in a car, but I can't be sure. My head also feels like someone poured oatmeal into it through my ears and that my throat is being shredded by throwing knives, but that don't make it so.
"Duo?" He calls for my attention. I look at him, and he pulls out a pocket flashlight. Yay! Time for a field exam. I'm SO happy, I could just puke. Did anyone out there catch the sarcasm? With a sense of defeat, I submit to Heero's surprisingly gentle touch. He was never this soft during the war. Or maybe I'm still too numb to tell the difference. Just as he finishes looking down my ears, I burst into another coughing fit.
"Chang, we need haste!" Heero calls to over his shoulder again. All I can see is grey and blue and Heero Yuy. I'm assuming that Wufie is here. I don't know any other Changs, unless Wuffie-kun took a wife. Heero looked down at me, eyes wide and face white, and the car we are riding in (at least, that's what it feels like) starts wailing and hauling ass. I'm betting that Wu-man is using his Preventers privileges again. Gee, I never noticed how big Heero's eyes were. And then, we stopped. Heero grabbed me and ran. Somewhere along the line, I must have fallen asleep again, cause the next thing I remember was Heero sliding under the sheets in my room. He is amazingly warm. Snuggling up to him, I think that this isn't a bad way to die. So warm...I feel like my heart is gonna burst. Heero might not love me, but it feels great to be touched and held by another human.
In the dark, someone is screaming. Please, stop the screaming! I hate the screaming. It hurts in a way that the blade never did. Light shines a little ways ahead. Somehow I know that if I can just reach that light, the screaming will stop. If I don't, though, something bad will happen. I start running. I don't want to be left with this hateful screaming ever again. The light is moving, to, moving away from me. I chant to myself a little thought, 'If only, if only', and pick up speed. The light only moves faster. The screaming gets louder. The light is fading too fast for me to catch up to it. Like trying to catch a star. The screaming got louder and louder, until the sound solidified into the image of some one I had once known very well.
Solo, riddled with plague, stood before me, pointing at me. His doleful eyes pleaded with me to save him.
"Why?" He asked, and blurred. Then it was not Solo, but Sister Helen I was looking at. She glared daggers at me, hating me. She knew that I killed people, that I did a good job at killing people.
"Monster." She whispers, and fades into Father Maxwell. Father Maxwell reaches out to me with broken arms, his battered body speaking for him. It was people like me who did this to him. People like what I had become. He said noting, just held out his hands to me, wishing that there was a way I could join him in heaven.
Father Maxwell blurred into someone in a full OZ pilot suit. That, at least, stayed the same. The pilot shifted form man to woman, tall to short, thin to fat, nothing and everything the same. These were the people I have killed. People who I can never forget, nor get forgiveness from. Why would they forgive me, though? None of these people ever forgave me.
The OZ pilot finally settled as a short, thin female who removed her helmet. Hilde stood before me, just as she had the day we met. Suddenly, we weren't in the all encompassing black of my soul, but instead the brightly lit cafe with the jerk off standing over Hilde. I had my gun out, pointed at the man, and this time I shot him in the head. He grinned at me as blood trickled down his face and the glass was now a knife that he used to slice Hilde's throat. As she bled she asked me why.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed, shooting into a sitting position. My attempts at calming down were slowed for a moment, when an arm wrapped itself around my waist. Who the hell was grabbing me! Why! Where am I! Oh, GOD! HELP!
"Hush, Duo." Said a familiar voice, in an attempt to calm me down. Wait. Is that HEERO? That's Heero's voice. I lie down again, and turn over to find Heero, naked, and in bed. With me. It is not even possible to say that in one sentence, let alone for it to actually happen. I think I'm going to have a heart attack if these shocks don't stop happening. Sneezing, I lay back down, and another arm is thrown over my waist. I shiver and look over my shoulder to find a naked Zechs cuddling me like a human sized teddy bear. Wow. Odd. Zechs is comfy. I think I could get used to this...
I open my eyes again. God, I feel like shit. Just another day as Duo Maxwell. My head is pounding and spinning, stomach is churning, and I can't breathe right. I feel like I just got off the worlds worst carnival ride only to have some idiot put a clothes pin over my nose, without all the pain the clip would cause. What the hell did I drink last night!
"Welcome back, Maxwell." Said Wufei from a chair by my bed. I look over at him, then a sneeze starts building in my head.(1) Really, the feeling starts right behind my nose as a tickling sensation, and I can't do anything or it will hurt like hell when it finally comes out, so I sit still and breath, hoping it will come quickly. Wufei leans closer as my eyes cross and the lids fall half way down. He looks really worried, I'm guessing cause my breathing just got really rapid and shallow. I wish I could just warn him, but the sneeze is in my nose, about at the point that the cartilage meets the bone, and I take a really deep breath, sending the sneeze back a little then slams it against the point where cartilage meets nose again.
"ACHOO!" I sneeze right in Wufei's face and he looks pissed. "Sorry, Wu-man." I say sleepily and rub at my nose. He just glares at me, and then leaves the room. Guess I pissed him off badly last night. What DID happen last night? I replay the events, finding my memory getting pleasantly fuzzy then slammed with reality. Oh, yeah. I took that little sludge bath for a coupla hours. Wearily, I fall back onto the bed. Now what am I supposed to do for entertainment? I got my question out of the way. Man, life in bed is boring. I need my knife. I think Hee-chan has it. Oh, well. I snort up some snot that threatens to dribble down. Gross, yes, but better than wearing a snot face-mask. The door opens quietly, and Heero walks in. Seeing that I'm awake, he occupies the chair Wufei vacated. He reaches out and takes my hand with both of his.
"Duo." He says quietly, "I want to ask you a few questions, and I want you to give me an answer." He can ask all he wants, I'm gonna sit here and not answer.
"Duo. How did you get those cuts?" Heero asked of me. OK, I'm in deep shit with Yuy. He keeps using my name. I lean my head back on the pillow. "Duo?" 'Not going to answer' is written clearly in the look I shot at him. "Duo, when someone is your friend you can tell them anything." Right, Hee-chan. Like I can say, OK, I cut myself to shreds. You'd never accept that. "Or are you not my friend? Do you want Wufei to ask? I know you like him better than me. Or how about Milliardo?" He said sadness in his voice. Yuy knows just how to make me feel like crap.
"Heero," I said, clogged nose making it hard to pronounce things right. "You know dat(2) I trust you more dan the udders. Just leave it." Heero gave me a stern glare and got really close to my face.
"Duo." He breathed over my lips. The door opened, and I turned my head to see who it was. Milliardo walked in. It was exactly like the last time you got the two of them together in my room. 'Cept now I was witnessing it! Zechs was strangling Heero! Panicking, I ran to the door, hoping to find Wufei, or someone to help. I most defiantly wasn't strong enough. Standing at the top of the stairs, and unsure of where everyone else was, I couldn't think of anything else to do.
"HEP! PLEEZ! HEP!" I shouted as loudly as my stuffy nose would allow. Surprisingly, Quatre and Trowa stumbled out of Trowa's room. "Zechs iz killing Heero." I say and point to my room. Now it's time to sit back and watch the little angel go ZERO on their asses. Heero and Zechs stumble out of my room, followed by scary-Quatre. Really, I don't know where some people get the idea that Quatre is a sweet little angel from heaven who can't fight for himself. After all, he is the most psychotic little boy I know. Now, however, Sweet-Quatre walks over to me and ushers me back to bed.
"Thank you, Duo. Now go to sleep. You are sick, and the sick need their rest." He said soothingly to me as he tucks me into bed. I snuggle down into the covers, and Quatre glares at Heero and Zechs, who are trying to re-enter the room. My stomach growls and Quatre smiles at me. "I'll bring some food up in a minute. Soup good?" He asked, leaving before I could respond. Sighing, I turned onto my side and close my eyes for a small nap. Even as I decide to sleep, I realize that I'm too awake. Great. Now I'm alone with my depressing self. Let me tell you, I hate it! Then a question popped into my snot-stuffed head. Why did Zechs, no why DOES Zechs keep attacking Heero? It seems that whenever Heero gets too close to me, Zechs goes nuts. What could it mean? Did he know my secret? Was he trying to help me? Did he think Heero was trying to hurt me? Why did it matter to him? Too many questions, not enough answers. God, he confuses me. And Heero. I don't even know where to begin with the man. He's gone friggin' nuts! All the sudden, he cares. And it's not the goddamn mission. And it's somebody's health, namely, my own. The girls coo whenever Zechs is around and... Is Zechs jealous of my friendship with Heero? Doesn't he know that I'll be his friend? Does he still think that Heero's his enemy and they are waging a war for my friendship? That's absurd. I replay the last scene in my mind, trying to find a clue to the behavior of one Heero Yuy and one Zechs Marquise. Nothing. From Zechs' point of view, perhaps. Well, he walked it, and was Heero hovering over me, close enough to kiss. DUO! Stop that! Just cause up like Heero, doesn't mean that he likes you back. Wait. Maybe Zechs is a homophobe! That'd explain it! Well, I'm not going to stop crushing on my friend just cause Zechs don't like men being with men. But if he's homophobic, why...
Quatre interrupts my thoughts with a large bowl of chicken broth and a glass of warm milk. I guess he doesn't get to pamper people much, so I'm gonna be in bed for a LONG time while he catches up. I must admit that it's rather fun to let people treat you like royalty, but after a few days you get sick of it. What with everybody cooing over my weight and whenever Zechs is in the same room with me and I'm assuming I'm going to get attacked by the "how-did-you-get-those-cuts" committee next, I'm pretty sick of attention. Heero poked his head through the door and coughed to get Q's attention.
"Quatre? Might I be allowed to feed Duo?" He asked. Odd question, but who am I to complain? If Heero wants to feed me, I'll be damned if I don't let him! Quatre gives him a look, though I can't tell what it looks like, as I'm looking at the back of his head. Heero motions to the other side of the door, and Quatre follows him. Now I'm left in the room alone again! Maybe I can hear what they are saying if I focus hard enough. Nope. Just the buzz of the heater, and the low hum of voices, but no words. Grrr. I hate being left on the outside, or inside, as they are OUTSIDE my room. The door opens again, and Heero walks in, carrying the tray of food with him. I guess Quat took it with him when he left to talk to Hee-chan. I didn't even notice. I must really be sick. He spoons up soup and holds it near my mouth. I'm not as stupid as I look. Here's this really hot guy willing to feed me when I'm sick, and I am going to take FULL advantage of that!
Heero raised a spoon full of soup to my lips with out a word, and dutifully I open my mouth. He pours the hot liquid into it, and I barely manage to not spit it out. SHIT! HOT!
"'Ot!" I grog at Heero. Yeah, grog isn't a word, but it accurately describes the sound I made. He gets the picture, smart boy that he is, and hands me the milk. Warm, yes, but enough to soothe the burning. He spooned up more soup and blew on it this time. As he fed it to me, he took a deep breath.
"Now, Duo, I understand that you don't want to talk about it." He said in his monotone voice. "But I'm going to guess, here, and you are going to tell me if I am right or wrong." He looked ominous now, and I was wishing that I didn't have such an infatuation with him. If only I had the will power to tell Quatre that I didn't want to be around Heero. Or Sally, but that's a moot point since she's not here. "From the scars, I deduce that this has been going on for a while. All in easily hidden places, but in easy access to the reach of a hand. More specifically, your hand. Except for the newer ones. I'd say that you cut yourself." He paused, watching me with cold eyes.
"Why would I?" I say, trying to take suspicion off me. Hell, the abusive boyfriend theory would be better than this.
"I don't know, Duo. I just don't know." He said sorrowfully, and continued feeding me.
"Ya know, Hee-bear? Dat's just silly. If there's no reason, den why?" Good question. There is a reason. I need to be punished for the bad things I do. That's just it. Though, some times, my reasons seem pretty flimsy. Is it really cause I need punishment? Or am I just a psychopath that needs to be locked up. Wait. Don't answer that! Heero put the spoon up to my lips and I took a drink.
"Then why are you so thin? I spoke to Hilde. She tells me that you make all the meals in the house, but you never have time to eat with her. Are you anorexic?" Heero asked as he put another spoonful of soup to my lips. "You're Duo 'I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie' Maxwell. You're the guy that, all through the war, made sure that Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, and even I had at least one good memory to take to the afterlife in the event that we didn't make it past the next battle. We care about you!" Heero said, and lifted the milk for me to take a drink. When he put down the glass, he started up again. "What can I do, Duo, to make you happy again?" He sighed.
"Heero?" I ask, placing a hand on his. He looks at me in shock. "This isn't your problem. It's mine. I brought this on myself by being such a baka. Don't worry about it." I say to him, and he sighs again.
"Of course I'll worry, baka." He whispers and finishes feeding me my soup and milk. As he takes the last spoonful from between my lips, he places it between his own and leaves. My thoughts? What. The. HELL?
(1) This is how I feel when I sneeze, and no, I can't talk when I do that. Although it looks really funny.
(2) Remember, he's got a cold. He's not going totalk normal.