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Did you Know: It's impossible to lick your elbow. Unless, of course, you're Gumby. Then anything is possible.

Chapter Three

Attack of the Students

The sun peered over the horizon, casting rays of light through the trees and down on the slumbering camp below.

Well… nearly slumbering.

Legolas was not having a very good day so far. He had awoken from a nightmare of being trapped in a dungeon filled with hundreds of rabid fangirls and instinctively run a hand through his blonde hair. It all went downhill for him from there.

Even now picking fragments of the previous evening's popcorn explosion from his hair, Legolas glared scathingly at the peacefully snoring Pippin, the only one of his acquaintances who had readily taken to these strange newcomers' ways. The Wood Elf was prepared to give his bow and another bottle of rum on the fact that Pippen was the guilty perpetrator.

Oh, yes… the rum.

Gollum had pleaded innocent to drinking the rum, claiming that he was only in the camp to 'recover precious… nasty hobbitses has stolen…'.

Legolas, disgusted, had quickly tossed him into the nearest tree.

Well, actually, through the nearest tree and into another, as the roughly Gollum-shaped hole in the elm's branches showed.

Legolas froze at the sound of a voice behind him. Fangirl, he thought. Foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid fangirl…

"Legolas?"

The archer relaxed. No, only Christopher.

"Good morning, Christopher. Did you sleep well?"

Kit winced at the mention of his birth name. Why, in the name of the Fates, had he told Legolas his real name?

Come to think of it, Kit didn't think he had even told him.

"How do you know my name?" Kit inquired suspiciously, patting the back pocket of his jeans as if to make sure his wallet and precious Driver's Permit were still there. They were.

Legolas shrugged. "It is an Elven Gift," he said simply.

"What, mind reading?"

"In a way."

That seemed to satisfy Kit.

"All right… well, we're gonna get out of here as soon as everyone get up…"

Legolas tried not to look too thrilled. "And never coming back?"

"No. We're not coming back."

It took Legolas even more effort not to do a little celebratory dance right then and there.

On the exterior, though, he maintained a straight face and tried to look melancholy.

"May the blessings of the race of Elves go with you, then." And may you also fall into a pit of fire.

Kit stared. "Um… okay. Thanks."

Nita moaned something in her sleep, then sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Upon spotting Legolas, she remembered where, exactly, she was, and resumed drooling at the unfortunate elf.

Legolas squeezed his eyes shut. Try not to flee, try not to flee, try not to flee…

Unfortunately, his mantra didn't help much as Hermione sat up, yawned, and lunged at him.

Legolas shrieked in horror and scrabbled off on all fours, literally flying up a nearby tree to hang precariously from one of its upper branches.

Hermione drew her wand.

Legolas merely swore and leapt for another, higher, branch. He realized that it was going to be very, very hard to lose Hermione.

Time for escape tactic A.

Legolas took a flying leap toward another large Ponderosa Pine, no more than five feet away. Unfortunately, Hermione seemed to have been expecting this sort of thing, and, instead of ramming facefirst into the land of Splinters, Legolas watched in horror as the tree shifted position.

And he was falling.

Wham.

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Dairine watched as Hermione doggedly pursued Legolas, absentmindedly fiddling with the transport matrix in her hands as Legolas tore past once more.

"HEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP…"

Dairine merely rolled her eyes and resumed work, pausing every now and then to look up at Ron, who was watching Hermione with narrowed eyes.

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Hermione pulled Legolas over to the small circle of people, grinning widely.

She touched Harry's shoulder.

"Harry…"

That was all she had time for before she was suddenly standing in Hogwart's Great Hall, clutching an asphyxiating Legolas.

It wouldn't have been so bad if they had chosen a different entry time and point.

But as it was, every single student in the hall had their attention riveted on the sudden appearance of the seven newcomers.

Legolas stared in horror as thousands of girls' eyes suddenly glazed over at the sight of him.

This could not be good.

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Harry watched in barely suppressed amusement as Legolas hurtled past, closely followed by a veritable stampede of screaming, foaming-at-the-mouth rabid fangirls.

Boy's bathroom, boy's bathroom… where the hell is the boy's bathroom? Legolas wondered in sheer panic as he ripped through the slick stone corridors of the castle, his leather sandals sliding on the stones underfoot as he turned a corner, only to be met with another set of girls.

Thankfully, they were looking the other way.

And he could see the boy's bathroom!

Okay. You can do this. Carefully… slowly… slowly…

"THERE HE IS!"

Curses.

Legolas came to a screeching halt as two hoards of slavering girls converged on him. He couldn't help but wonder how far up from the ground he was.

Escape plan B.

Up and over.

Legolas, lacking a better plan, hurled himself over the marble railing into empty space, aiming perfectly for the staircase some ten feet below.

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In the meantime, the remaining six perpetrators stood in the middle of Great Hall, being grilled by Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall.

"How did you get them here, Mr. Rodriguez?" McGonagall asked for the second time. "You can't Apparate in or out of Hogwarts…"

"What the heck is Apparating? All I used was a simple transport matrix."

"But…"

"Enough, Minerva. They're here. That's that."

Dumbledore's words effectively silenced McGonagall, who sighed.

"Very well. You are here… I suppose you'll want to stay for a short time, then. As it appears you have already made friends with these three from Gryffindor, you'll be under my care."

Nita looked at Kit, who shrugged. "All right."

Hermione looked thrilled. "Here, we'll show you to the common room…" she murmured.

She whirled around and strode off toward the exit for Great Hall.

Dairine was plodding along, her head and guard down, when she suddenly went tumbling to the floor. She was back on her feet and staring into the silvery eyes of none other than Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy hid a smirk. "You'll want to watch where you're going, Muggle…"

The look on Dairine's face only made Malfoy laugh. "Awww, is the puny little runt gonna beat me up?"

A malicious grin spread across Dairine's features. "Oh, no. I can do much worse than that."

Draco had no time to look apprehensive.

There was a loud bang, a rush of displaced air, and Malfoy was gone. Dairine smiled serenely, dusted her hands off, and made her way towards the entrance to Great Hall.

As she passed through the archway, she muttered a syllable, and Draco was suddenly present again, covered from head to toe in putrid brown slime and dressed in a very fetching pink blouse and matching skirt.

The Gryffindor table exploded in cheers.

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Legolas couldn't believe his luck. He had merely shattered both legs, his collarbone, three ribs, and fractured his skull after the whole ordeal. And he was conscious.

Not to mention in considerable pain.

Why did the damn staircase have to move, anyway?

Legolas winced in pain as yet another owl dropped a get-well card onto his healing leg.

"Ow! Stupid bird…"

The owl seemed to regret this, as it instantly wheeled around and began attacking the unfortunate Elf.

"AAAAAAHHHH GET OUT OF IT! MY HAIR!"

With a loud screech of indignation, the large owl peacefully settled down onto the Elf's leg and began bobbing up and down.

"OW! OW! OW! GET OFF!"

Madam Pomfrey came hurrying over, shooing the owl off and retrieving the bottle of Qwik-Set from the medicine cabinet.

"There, there Mister Greenleaf. Here... bottoms up!"

Legolas choked on the horrid substance more than once, but managed to get most of it down.

Satisfied, Madam Pomfrey said kindly, "You've got some visitors that desperately want to see you. I'll let them in now."

Legolas, content, settled back in bed. Probably Boromir or Aragorn come to rescue me from this madhouse…

"THERE HE IS! LEGOLAS!"

Legolas screamed.

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