Disclaimer: Friends is really, really not mine.
A/N: Ah, a long chapter to make up for the fact that I've been away for a long time. Also, I'm admitting it: this story is mostly Rachel. I can't help it! I love writing her for some reason. Plus, she was the one who changed the most after the prom. But, I really am trying to branch into other peoples' POVs, as you'll notice at the end of the chapter.
Big, humongous thank you to Exintaris, who pointed out to me that I've been spelling Geller wrong for... forever. I have no idea why I never noticed that; I feel like an idiot now. I'm going to go back and fix all those mispellings after I finish the story. And thank you all who have reviewed thus far, I really appreciate your feedback re: things you've liked or disliked.
I have no idea when this story is going to end. I've got a few more plot-bumps (I don't think those are real things...), but after I get through the notes I've jotted down, I'll try to finish it up.
XXX
"I love you."
The words were whispered in a tender voice as Rachel caressed Ross's cheek lightly with her hand. Her boyfriend was sleeping quietly beside her, and she was enjoying this early morning moment in between true darkness and true light outside. It was frigid, only a week before Christmas (Hanukkah was already over), and they had thrown an extra blanket over his comforter the night before when they'd gone to bed.
Rachel had spoken that statement out loud very few times before to Ross, but each time it had been while he was lost to the sandman. She'd recognized before then, of course, that she'd been falling in love with him, but only recently had her views changed to show her that she was no longer falling. She was in love with Ross.
What made her first really see the light shining upon this topic was when she began noticing, right after Thanksgiving, that she was spending a lot more time at his apartment instead of her dorm room. She'd taken to using the spare key he'd given her (in case of emergencies, Ross had insisted while his cheeks flamed) and doing her homework in the peace and privacy of his home, or attempting to make dinner for him if she didn't have class in the afternoon and he was working a little later than usual. Small things like him surprising her with lilies after a long day of studying, or picking up her favorite movie of the moment for them to watch, cuddled up on his tiny couch.
The biggest unconscious thing that she'd finally noticed, however, was the fact that even if they didn't have sex, she still slept over at his apartment, just so they could be together, and thus prompting her early-morning considerations of the man she was dating.
This fact was quite unlike any of her other relationships, where it seemed the motto was, "not screwin', not stayin'". But with Ross… she was happy to just feel his arm slung over her midriff in the middle of the night, giving her comfort and security she was fearful to even mention to him.
Sometimes she questioned to herself if he was as much of a goner about her as she was of him.
Rachel let out a little sigh, lying her head back down on the pillow she'd declared hers after the second time she had slept there. She idly wondered if Monica and Chandler ever watched each other sleep; it wasn't as creepy as she had once perceived, and it seemed almost natural that other couples may do this. She'd heard them mumble little "I love you"'s to each other when one of them was leaving or they thought nobody was listening. Rachel was glad her two friends had found such happiness in each other.
She smiled in spite of herself and had to roll her eyes at her own inner monologue, which was becoming more and more romance novel-like than she intended this early in the dawn.
A very short amount of time later there was a sharp intake of breath as Rachel reacted as quietly as possible when she heard a soft, sleep-laden voice say, "I love you too."
XXX
"Okay, I get why Charlie Brown buys the dinky little tree instead of one of the other ones. What I don't get is, why are the other ones different colors? I mean, a pink Christmas tree? How the hell do you grow one of those? Do they sell well?"
"For the love of God just shut up and watch Charlie Brown get picked on by the other kids!" Joey shouted at Chandler, who had been rambling on about different parts of the Charlie Brown Christmas movie the group was watching in the guys' apartment.
Chandler shot his roommate a glare and wrapped an arm around Monica, who was seated half on him and half on the armrest of the chair they were sitting on. He looked up at his girlfriend. "Why does everyone always yell at me for talking during movies?"
"Because you can't keep your comments to yourself," Monica clarified for him, not taking her eyes from the screen. "Pheebs, what are you humming?"
Phoebe looked up from examining her nails towards Monica. "Oh, sorry, just putting together a new song in my head."
"Oh? What's it called?" Joey questioned.
"I'm not sure… but it is about a smelly cat," she replied.
"That sounds good," Ross said sarcastically from his spot on the floor.
Phoebe considered. "Hm. 'Smelly Cat'. I like it!"
"Oh! I love this part!" Rachel exclaimed from beside Ross as the characters on the television began singing together.
"I wonder if Charlie Brown had any Jewish friends," Ross pondered. "They celebrate so many holidays, and yet not Hanukkah."
"Speaking of celebrating," Monica said as she got up and stretched while Joey turned off the TV, "Sorry, Rach, but I can't make it to your mom's party tomorrow. I've got an interview with this new restaurant."
"Oh, it's okay," Rachel waved off as she got to her feet. She glanced towards Ross as he placed his empty beer bottle on the counter. "You're still coming, right, Ross?"
Ross nodded. "Yup. We're leaving at five?"
Phoebe wandered over to the kitchen area. "For where?"
Rachel sighed. "Well, my mom is having a Christmas party tomorrow for some family and friends, and by friends, I mean people from the club that are going to make snide comments about me all evening because I didn't join the sorority Kappa Kappa Delta in freshman year and am not currently dating one of the sons from their group."
"Your mom has some weird friends," Phoebe said as she grabbed a bottle of water.
"Well, at least your mom's friends aren't fellow romance novel writers or friends-with-benefits," Chandler interjected. "Or… drag queens, but that's my dad."
"Hey, Chandler, do you think we could fit a Christmas tree in here?" Joey asked from the other side of the room. He was focusing on a corner of the apartment.
"Sure. If we get rid of that table, couch, and lamp," Chandler answered. "Why do you ask, Joe?"
"Well, I thought it'd be nice if we had a tree, y'know? We could hang ornaments on it, but presents under it, eat cookies by it…," Joey trailed off dreamily.
"Eh, I don't know," Chandler said.
"C'mon, man! Just a little tree!"
"Oh! You could get one like Charlie Brown's!" Phoebe suggested excitedly.
"As much fun as this discussion is," Ross interrupted, "I've gotta get going. See you guys later."
Everyone wished him good-bye, except for Rachel, who followed her boyfriend into the hallway.
"Hey, why are you taking off so early?" she asked. Her heart rate had sped up considerably; they hadn't really been alone together since they'd said 'I love you' in the early morning the day before. Neither had been able to work up the courage to talk about it yet, and Rachel was beginning to find it all very stupid. Why should they be frightened?
A million reasons popped into her mind, but she ignored them.
"I've gotta go to the museum really early tomorrow morning to put together some last-minute stuff before this new exhibit opens," Ross replied, standing awkwardly with his arms limp at his sides.
"Right," Rachel nodded. "So… um… I guess I'll… see you tomorrow at five."
Ross nodded also. "Okay." He paused, and they stared at each other. "Uh, listen, Rach… this is stupid," he finally said, voicing her thoughts from moments before. "We can't just ignore what we, uh, said. To each other."
Rachel smiled a little. "I agree."
They stood in silence.
"I don't really know what to say about it, though," Ross admitted.
"Me neither," Rachel agreed.
"I guess… all I can really say is, uh, that… I love you."
Rachel's tentative smile turned into a brilliant grin. "I love you too."
Letting out a long gust of breath, Ross' face brightened. "That wasn't so hard. God, I've been dying to say that to you."
"I have too," Rachel said honestly. "It just never seemed like the right time. But… now that we've gotten it out of the way…"
"We don't have to worry about saying it anymore," Ross finished for her. He checked his watch. "I really better go, I promised my mom I'd call her like fifteen minutes ago."
"Okay. Goodnight," Rachel said as she stepped forward to give Ross a quick kiss. He was turning his back to head down the stairs when she added, "I love you."
He stopped and paused, and then twisted his head and shot her a shy smile. "Love you too," he replied, before disappearing down the stairs.
Rachel stayed in the hallway for another minute, grinning to herself and looking like an idiot. The door behind her opened and Monica and Phoebe both came out.
"Oh, hey, there you are. We thought maybe you left," Monica said as she stopped herself from walking into her friend. "What's going on?"
Rachel wanted to keep the moment that had just transpired a secret between she and Ross for as long as possible. She wanted to revel in the fact that he loved her just as much as she loved him. She wanted to go back to her dorm room and fall asleep and dream about an incredible future with the man she was in love with. Her mother had been right a few months ago when they had gotten into the fight: she did want a husband and children and the picturesque life that Sandra had insisted she'd only achieve if she married an upper-class son of one of her friends. And she wanted it all with Ross Geller.
If she had ever considered that idea back in high school, she would've thought she was going crazy.
Waiting a long beat to reply, Rachel finally said, "Something really good."
"Well, there are a lot of really good things going on," Phoebe pointed out. "I mean, um, scientists finding cures for diseases, and animal shelters, and charities… what kind of good are we dealing with here?"
Monica was analyzing her roommate's far-off expression. "Are you high?"
"What!" Rachel shouted, coming back to reality. "No!"
"Just checking," Monica said, holding up her hands. "C'mon, it's late, we better get going. I've still got a few more things to pick up at the dorm before I head home."
"Aw, are we not finding out why she has that dreamy expression?" Phoebe complained as the three descended down the stairs.
Rachel smiled to herself. Her mother's party tomorrow evening was looking much better now that she knew at least one person who was going to be in that house loved her.
XXX
Standing at the beginning of the Green's walkway that led up to the front door, Ross tilted his head back and looked up at the sky as Rachel had a mini-freakout beside him.
"Oh, God, why did I say I would come? Why? How hard is it to say, 'No thank you, Mother, I'd rather not waste a night of my life being annoyed by your snobby rich friends and their children when I could be out shopping for Christmas presents or reading a good book or taking a walk through the snow or being run over by a cab or something. Did you not take the hint that I didn't really want to see you when I decided to stay at school over Christmas break?' Oh my God, who's car is that? Damnit, that car looks so familiar, I bet it's the Hanover's, they've always thought I was some sort of traitor for not becoming friends with their daughter, but I mean the girl was insane, all she cared about was ranting on and on about her stupid little dog and her stupid car and obviously she must have no real life if that's all she can talk about, which is really sad, but-"
"Rach, you've been out here rambling on for twenty minutes," Ross said loudly, talking over his girlfriend. "Nine people have passed by us. It is completely dark and starting to snow. My ears are frozen. I've lost feeling in my feet. By the time you finish the party will be over."
"There's an idea!" Rachel exclaimed.
"Can we just go in?"
"Fine."
Rachel took a deep breath, and then marched up the walkway until she was at the front door. Ross appeared beside her. "Now you place your hand on the knob and turn…" he instructed.
"Ha. Ha," she said, glaring. She twisted the knob, pushed open the door, and both were assaulted with a blast of heat and the sudden sound of too many people fit into a space too small.
The maid whose name Rachel recalled was Gwen was at their side the second they stepped in. "May I take your coats?"
"Oh, thanks," Rachel said absently as she handed over her coat, Ross doing the same.
"We're never gonna find your mom in this crowd." Ross' eyes scanned the packed room, taking in all of the faces, most of which he didn't know.
"Ah, you'll be able to tell she's coming. The air will probably begin to smell of disappointment," Rachel quipped.
"Oh my God! Rachel!"
Rachel spun ninety degrees at her name, and came face-to-face with her younger sister Jill. "Oh! Jill!"
"Hey!" she said merrily, and Rachel cringed at the whiff of alcohol she got as they hugged. "Oooh, who's this?"
"Uh, Jill, it's Ross. Remember him?" Rachel asked and Ross waved awkwardly.
Jill kept a smile on her face as she replied, "Not really. But he's cute! Oh, but that guy is totally cuter. Didn't I date him once?"
Both Ross and Rachel turned their gazes towards where Jill was looking and spotted a sandy-haired guy that looked to be their age. Rachel scoffed. "Uh, actually, I think I dated him once."
"Same difference," Jill grinned, and then began stumbling away. "Mom's looking for you in the kitchen!"
Rachel tensed. Great, so her mother was seeking her out now. They hadn't had a real conversation since the fight they'd gotten into in September. Who knew what Sandra wanted to talk to her oldest daughter about now.
"Hey, look, there's Amy," Ross said, pointing towards a girl quite obviously flirting with a much older guy.
"Yeah, uh, I'll catch her later. Maybe we should-"
Rachel halted in the middle of her sentence, her eyes landing upon two figures she most definitely did not want to see tonight. She averted her eyes quickly as two pairs of gazes found her in the crowd.
"We should what?" Ross prompted.
"Rachel Green!" a women's heavily New York-accented voice called, and Rachel had no choice but to confront it.
"Mindy!" she returned, showing fake enthusiasm as Ross stood, confused. "Look at you!"
"I know, right?" Mindy agreed, and then let out an obnoxious laugh. "And look at you too! God, I haven't seen you since summer after freshman year! So sorry about your dad, by the way," she added sadly.
"Oh, uh, thanks," Rachel stammered. How do you respond to things like that?, she wondered. Ross cleared his throat and Rachel reacted by saying, "Oh, uh, Ross, this is Mindy. Mindy, this is my boyfriend Ross."
"Nice to meet you," Ross stated, sounding truly genuine, a trait his girlfriend envied.
"A boyfriend! Well! Look at you, miss never-without-a-date!" Mindy exclaimed. She leaned towards Ross. "Y'know, way back when Rachel and I were great friends, she always had a guy hanging around."
Ross and Rachel chuckled uncomfortably. "Oh, I, uh, remember. I grew up down the street," he informed her.
"Aw, how cute! Very boy-next-door!" Mindy's never-tiring excitement was beginning to make Rachel weary. She felt herself fatiguing even more as the one man in the entire world she wished to never see again joined the threesome.
"Hey, Mind, here's a drink," Barry said, handing her a glass. "Rachel," he greeted with a nod.
"Hey, uh, Barry," Rachel replied. "You remember Ross. My boyfriend," she added quickly.
The two men shook hands. The four stood in tense silence for a moment before Ross broke it by saying, "Uh, I'm gonna get a drink, you want anything Rach?"
"Uh, just a glass of wine, sweetie, thanks," she responded. He departed, leaving Rachel to fend for herself against two bits of her past she couldn't seem to shake off.
"Barry and I are here together," Mindy stated suddenly.
"Oh. That's… uh… great." Rachel inwardly sighed in relief.
"Yeah, we got together a few months ago," she continued, resting a hand on Barry's arm. "Remember when we all went to camp together?"
"We had some good times," Barry said, wrapping an arm around Mindy's shoulders, and Rachel wondered if he did this only because he thought it would make her jealous. "So, that's the guy, huh?" he questioned with a false smile.
"Yes, that's the guy," Rachel nodded, remembering the night in September when he had asked her why Ross was so special, and she had explained that she had been falling in love with him since her senior prom.
"Very cute; very tall," Mindy praised. "Personally, I had always thought you'd end up dating one of our old friends."
"Yeah, well, sometimes people think wrong," Rachel said, keeping her tone light. "He's… he's really great."
"What does he do?"
"He's actually going back to graduate school in the fall to get his PhD in paleontology. He graduated summa cum laude from NYU," she finished proudly, happy to tell of her boyfriend's academic distinction. "Right now he works at a museum in the city."
"You know, Barry's in school to be an orthodontist," Mindy pointed out, petting her date's arm. "What are you gonna do after you graduate, Rachel?"
"Oh, um, something in fashion, probably," she replied. "You?"
"Well if everything goes right, I'm hoping to be Mrs. Barry Farber!" Mindy looked positively thrilled saying the words, and Rachel noticed Barry turn a shade paler than normal. "What about you, Rach? You think Ross is the one for you?"
Rachel took her time in responding as she let her eyes drift towards the mini-bar and bartender her mother must've hired for the event. Ross picked up two drinks from the counter and began to make his way back through the maze of people. His face was scrunched in concentration and his hair was obviously damp from the snow that had drifted on him while she had been ranting outside. He was wearing slacks and a dark blue shirt she had picked out for him.
God, she loved that man.
"He just might be," she confided, not able to contain the smile he brought to her face.
"Here's your drink," Ross said as he re-joined the small group and handed a glass of wine to his girlfriend. "The line took forever."
Mindy smirked back and forth between them. "Aren't you guys too cute!"
"Rachel, Mom's looking for you," Jill said again as she passed by them, the sandy-haired guy from earlier attached to her arm. "I think she was near Daddy's study."
Rachel bit her lip. Ross touched her shoulder and whispered, "Go ahead."
"Excuse me," she aimed towards Barry and Mindy, and departed with one last parting look at Ross, who was now being engaged in conversation by her old dark-haired friend.
She weaved in and out of clumps people, spouting greetings when someone called her name. The door to her father's study was opened slightly and Rachel could see her mother inside, a drink in hand, having an animated conversation with an older man. She spotted her daughter and shouted, "There she is! Rachel, come here!"
Rachel did as she was commanded and entered the study. The man standing opposite Sandra looked pleasant enough, and introduced himself as Gary Tibert. Sandra shooed him away with a promise of catching up with him later, and then finally both Green women were alone in the same room, the door closed.
"Great party," Rachel finally said, filling the silence that seemed to be pressing down upon them.
"Yes, quite a turnout," Sandra agreed with a nod. She was staring at her daughter with a small smile. "I'm thinking of making it an annual thing."
"Oh, yeah," Rachel replied with no interest at all. She idly wondered if Mindy had hit on Ross yet. If she was anything like she had been at camp, then the women had a knack for liking the same men Rachel did.
"Rachel, darling, I don't want it to be like this between us forever," Sandra said sadly.
"I don't really know what to say to you anymore, Mom," Rachel murmured honestly. "Ross is here, you know."
"I assumed," Sandra admitted. "Jack and Judy couldn't come."
"Yeah, they had another party or something," Rachel informed her mother. There was another long pause.
"Barry and Mindy are together now, did you hear, dear?" Sandra asked.
Rachel crossed her arms over her chest. "Yeah, actually Ross and I ran into them."
"I guess it's too late for you to change your mind, even if you wanted to."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Rachel demanded, her temper flaring.
"I'm just saying," Sandra defended. "You know, most of the men and women you went to camp with have significant others, or are engaged."
"Well, good for them," Rachel muttered. "What is it with you and the people I went to camp with anyway, huh? You're always mentioning them."
"Well, it had always seemed like the boys you went to camp with were the ones who were going to be successful in life," Sandra said, resting her hand on top of Leonard's wooden desk.
"And we're back to this," Rachel interjected tiredly. "When are you going to accept that I am happy with my life? I like how it is; I like who's in it. I don't need you dropping hints every time we talk that so-and-so's son is available and awaiting my call, or giving me that 'financial security' crap."
"I'd hardly call financial security crap, as you so eloquently put it," Sandra said, sounding nearly scandalized. "You know all I want is-"
"The best for me, yes, I know, I got that memo a while ago."
"Have you given more thought to what you're going to do after graduation? Where you're going to live? You know you're always welcomed-"
"Actually, Monica's grandmother offered her an apartment. It's two bedrooms. Mon… asked me if I'd want to share it with her." Rachel shied away from her mother's gaze. She hadn't mentioned to anyone yet that she and Monica were making plans to move in together; they had wanted to wait until everything was sorted out before telling people. Neither Ross nor Chandler even knew.
"Oh. Where is it?" Sandra looked slightly put-out.
"In the Village. It's across the hall from Monica's boyfriend, actually."
"Well, that's… nice."
Rachel knew Sandra was just being polite. Deep down, she also knew that Sandra really would like her daughter to move back home with her.
The thought made a wave of sadness come over Rachel. Her mother lived alone in this big house. She didn't even have a job; she was just living off the large sum Leonard had left. Her only companion at home was an aging dog. Two of her daughters didn't think of anyone but themselves, and one daughter just couldn't get her to understand that she was happy with her life.
"Mom?" Rachel asked slowly, quietly.
"Yes, dear?" Sandra seemed surprised by the sudden timid tone of her daughter's voice.
"Do you miss Dad?"
The question was a simple one, something Rachel had always expected a single-word answer for. But upon reflection of her parent's marriage, all the fighting they'd done and complaining of one another, she had started to wonder…
Only once before had Rachel ever voiced these worries out loud, and that had been quite a while ago, on a snowy evening to the man she hadn't even realized at the time would become the most important man in her life.
"I…" Sandra paused, staring at Rachel as if she was seeing her for the first time. She blinked, her eyes slowly growing watery.
"Mom?" Rachel finally prodded, the word barely above a whisper.
"I loved your father, Rachel," Sandra stated in a calmer tone than she appeared. "Completely. At least… I thought completely."
Something caught in Rachel's throat as she asked carefully, "What does that mean?"
"I thought I had married your father for love all those years ago," Sandra clarified, one of her hands moving to her neck to finger the pearl necklace hanging there. "But over time I started to realize that maybe… maybe I loved the idea of a future where I would always have whatever I wanted more than I actually loved your father. And your grandparents were happy about the match, and one of my biggest goals in life had always been to please my parents…"
The words were said with slight regret mixed with relief at being able to say them. Rachel could hardly believe what she was hearing. "You didn't love Daddy?"
"No, Rachel, no. I did love your father. A part of me really did. But as time went on I realized that only part of me loving him wasn't enough. And I think he realized it too. And that's when we began arguing." Sandra turned away from her daughter so she was facing one of the large bookshelves that took up an entire wall.
"If you didn't fully love him, why did you even marry him?" Rachel inquired, almost afraid to hear the answer. A small part of her longed to go back in time, back to when Jill had mentioned that Sandra was in the study, when she had still been standing with Ross beside her.
"I wanted a good life. Is that a crime? I knew your father would give me a nice life."
Rachel's own words that she thought she couldn't remember from that snowy evening came back to her, assaulting her mind: 'I don't want to just settle for 'nice'. I want to have… everything. You know? Those feelings you get when you just know that being with that person is going to be great.'
"You settled for 'nice'. He wasn't your… everything." It wasn't a question, but a statement.
"I honestly thought he was," Sandra assured with remorse. "But we both realized that that wasn't true." She rubbed her forehead. "I don't regret my marriage, darling. Or the years I spent with your father and you girls. But the truth is…"
Rachel held her breath. Her eyes were fighting back the flood of tears waiting to be let loose.
"Your father and I were planning on divorcing when he passed away."
"What?"
"We… we had had the papers drawn up and all that had been left was to sign them," Sandra continued, tears dropping from her cheeks and onto the desk.
Rachel wasn't sure what to do. Should she cry? Should she yell? Should she break something? Of course, when her father had been alive, she'd wondered to herself if they were ever going to separate down the road, but the idea had never seemed possible. They were Leonard and Sandra Green, her parents. How could they get divorced? If anything, Rachel had always thought they'd found divorce too much of a scandal that would be circulating the club to ever go through with it.
All couples fight, she'd rationalized.
How naïve of her.
"Oh."
It was the only thing Rachel could say.
"Darling, try to understand. Don't think we're horrible people," Sandra practically pleaded, taking a step towards her daughter.
"And all this time you've been trying to get me together with someone exactly like Daddy had been to you," Rachel said in a low voice, not sure whether to be disgusted or feel sorry for her mother.
"I just want you to have a nice life-"
"Oh, yeah, just like yours, right?" Rachel said bitterly.
"I had thought that maybe you'd actually fall in love with one of them!" Sandra explained. "That you'd have love and security!"
"I don't… I can't… This is… I've got to go," Rachel finally muttered, making a beeline for the study door. She could hear the party out in the living room still going full swing.
"Rachel, please, don't just leave…" Sandra called after her.
"What should I do, Mother? What? You just dropped this bombshell on me that you and Daddy were getting a divorce right before he died, along with the fact that you two never really loved each other and that you want me to follow right in your footsteps! I don't even know how to look at you, let alone speak to you!"
Sandra had no comeback, and Rachel took the opportunity of silence to open the door and hurry across the living room towards the front door. By the time she had gotten outside, the tears were falling fast and mingling with the snow that was gently gliding down from the clouds overhead.
Minutes later a shadow appeared beside Rachel's hunched figure sitting on the stairs leading up to the front door. "Rach?"
"I knew we shouldn't have come," Rachel mumbled into her hands, which were covering her face.
Ross sat down beside her and touched her leg. "What happened?" he asked quietly.
"My life," she whispered back, burying her face in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry.
XXX
"So what happened?" Monica asked Ross later that night as she eased the door to his apartment shut. Her brother had called her at Chandler's when he and Rachel had returned to his place and asked her to come over.
"I'm not totally sure," Ross admitted as he glanced at the wall he was standing beside, knowing Rachel was lying down on the bed on the other side. "We were talking with two of her old friends, Barry and Mindy-"
"Mindy? Wow, other than me, she was like, Rachel's best friend back in high school, even though she went to some sort of preppy private school or something," Monica said in recognition.
"Yeah, great girl. Likes to pinch butts," Ross added darkly. The moment passed and he moved on. "Then Jill walked by, said their mom was waiting for her in the study, and Rachel left. She was gone for a while, then she ran back out and I followed her, and she was crying on the front steps, and I got her keys and drove back here, and now here we are."
"Did she mention what she and Sandra talked about?" Monica asked, her face scrunched in puzzlement.
"Not really. As we were getting in the car she said something about 'settling for nice' and being 'hypocritical', but she was silent the rest of the ride back. I could tell she didn't want to talk to me yet, so I thought, since you're her best friend…"
"I'll talk to her," Monica said.
Ross let his eyes stray to the door. "Just… just make sure she's okay."
"I will," she promised, and kissed his cheek before entering the bedroom, where Rachel was lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
"Remember when we were shopping one time and the guys saw those plastic, glow-in-the-dark stars you stick on your ceiling?" Rachel asked suddenly.
Monica chuckled slightly. "Yeah. They complained about how girly they were when we bought a few…"
"Yeah, they went back and bought some of their own and Ross stuck his on the ceiling."
Gasping, Monica's head immediately shot up. "What?" She inched towards the bed, her face still towards the ceiling, until finally she plopped down onto the bed also. "Those goons!"
"Well, you know the guys and their feminine sides," Rachel reminded her, shifting over in the bed to make room.
Monica glanced at her friend as she got comfortable in the space Rachel had made for her. "Rach… what happened tonight?"
"Oh, the usual," Rachel started, her moment of weakness that had been evident just minutes before masked by defensive sarcasm. "Took me almost a half hour to go into the damn house, then Jill and Amy paid no regard to anyone but themselves- surprise, surprise-, then Barry and Mindy joined Ross and I and we engaged in a very awkward conversation, and then…"
"And then what?" Monica prompted kindly.
"Well, then, of course, my mother had to go and dumbfound me with some startling revelation. God, I swear, sometimes I think my life is a TV show or a movie or something." Rachel closed her eyes, making her look as though she were peaceful.
Monica knew her best friend well enough, however, to recognize that she was working through something big in her mind.
"Listen, Rachel, you seem tired… we can talk about this another time," Monica suggested, holding her tongue on the fact that she was dying to know what Sandra had said. But, good friends didn't push… too much…
"Unless you feel like you wanna talk now," she added as an afterthought. "Sometimes talking things out right after they happen can help a person to sleep easier. But, hey, if you're tired… it's your life, I'm just here to lend an ear to listen with…"
"My parents were going to get a divorce."
Monica stopped her babbling, and turned her head so she was facing Rachel, who was still staring at the ceiling. "A what?"
"A divorce," Rachel repeated calmly, much more cool and collected than she had been earlier. "They weren't happy with each other. My mom said that when they got married, she didn't even fully love him."
"Wow."
"Yeah. I mean, can you imagine? Going through life with somebody you only partly love? Missing out on having… everything? At this point I don't know whether to be angry about this, or to be relieved to know that all of my suspicions over the years weren't just me making things up."
Monica stayed silent, not entirely sure how to reply. She was still trying to process the fact that Sandra and Leonard were planning on getting a divorce, something that would've altered the whole dynamic of the Green family. She'd witnessed a few of their squabbles over the years, but had never thought it would result in this.
And marrying somebody you had doubts about? Another thing Monica found hard to even imagine doing. Lately, she'd been envisioning her own wedding, just a day-dream during class, or something playing in the back of her brain as she wrote out recipes for new dishes she had created, or a little scene in her mind's eye while she cooked at the restaurant she worked at part-time. And though many different parts of the wedding fantasy changed each time, one thing always stayed the same.
Chandler was always the groom.
She and Chandler had been dating for well over a year, a surprising feat for a girl in her last year of college and a guy who'd just graduated. Not to mention, their seemingly polar-opposite personalities, which to an outsider would seem like a big reason for a split between the two. However, it had ended up that they'd balanced each other off nicely; she'd get him to show a more mature and serious side of himself, and he would bring out her joking, fun self more often.
But it was too soon for marriage, Monica had already decided. She wanted them both to be immersed in the real, adult world before making a commitment that large.
Sometimes she wondered if Chandler ever thought these things about her; if he imagined being married.
For some reason, the question she'd been wanting to ask Rachel for a few days popped into her mind, and Monica turned her head again so she could look at her best friend, who was now contemplating a ring on her right hand.
"Rach?"
Rachel turned her head so she and Monica were now looking at each other. "Yeah?"
"I've got a proposal for you," Monica said.
"Like marriage? Because I think Ross and Chandler might be a little upset by that," Rachel joked lightly.
"No," Monica shook her head, "Okay, see, remember how we decided to move into my grandmother's apartment after graduation?"
"Yeah," Rachel responded with interest, lifting her head and cradling it with her hand. "Are we not moving in anymore?"
"On the contrary," Monica replied with a smile. "Nana's decided to head down to Florida earlier than she'd planned, and she told me the apartment is ours whenever we decide to move in."
Rachel blinked a few times. "Really? We're going to have our own apartment?"
"Yes!" Monica shouted, grinning now.
They both got up from the bed and danced around the room for a minute, before Rachel paused. "The only downside is that we're going to be living across the hall from Joey and Chandler."
"Downside? I'm going to be living across the hall from my boyfriend!" Monica pointed out.
"Yeah, but you know they're going to come over all the time. I mean, no offense to them, but their apartment sort of sucks, and your grandmother's rules," Rachel said.
"So? You know I love being the hostess!" Monica exclaimed. "So? When should we move in?"
"How about after Christmas? We can be in the apartment by the New Year!" Rachel said optimistically.
Monica kept smiling, but it slid off her face as she realized something. "Rach… we have practically no furniture."
Rachel stared at her friend for a moment, and then shrugged. "I guess I know what I'm asking for for Christmas this year."
Chuckling slightly, Monica glanced back at Rachel as they exited the bedroom and joined Ross on the couch. She was glad to see that the crazy news from Sandra hadn't affected her friend long-term. Monica knew that Rachel was far from okay, but for right now, the smile plastered on her best friend's face was enough convincing that she'd be fine.
XXX
A/N II: I wanted the "I love you"'s to be altered from the show, because their dynamic in this AU is different from the one on the show.