In the room where Spike was he sat crouched down ont he floor with his feet on his tiptoes and hugging his knees. It was probably the most vulnerable Spike had ever looked. He looked as if someone else was in the room with him, someone or something dangerous.
Spike started talking to himself, "The thing is...I had a speech. I learned it all. Oh, God. She won't understand, she won't understand."
Warren started circling Spike as the vampire cowered in the middle of the room. He started to speak to him too, "Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl. Sugar and spice and everything...useless unless you're baking. I'm more than that. More than flesh..." He suddenly morphs into Glory who still continued to pace in front of Spike. "...more than blood. I'm... you know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips, assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's alright, though..." Glory then morphs into Adam and is still pacing and speaking to Spike, "...I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong..."
He then becomes the mayor and bends down on one knee to talk to Spike eye-to-eye "...So what'd you think? You'd get your soul back and everything'd be Jim Dandy? Soul's slipperier than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine?" He laughed a little bit "Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man, and I respect that, but..." The mayor finally transformed into Drusilla and touched Spike's face, "...you never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me, singing our little songs. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them, right from the beginning. And that's where we're going..." Drusilla then turns into the Master and stands again. "...right back to the beginning. Not the Bang... not the Word... the true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride. And I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you. Trying to do what's right, just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right, not about wrong..." The master starts to walk around Spike and when it comes back in front of him he is no longer the Master but buffy herself. As Buffy she stood with her arms crossed in front with a smug serious look on her face, glaring at SPike, "...it's about power."
-L.A. - Buffy's Room-
Buffy sat on the bed leaning against the headboard with her feet tucked to her chin. She knew someone was going to go up and talk to her and she was dreading every moment of it. She wouldn't cry though, she hasn't cried since that night about it and she wasn't going to start now. It was hard to resist crying though because the second Angel walked into the room with his hands in his pocket and his head staring down her emotions went wild. He shut the door after he entered and started walking towards Buffy on the bed. The closer he got the more scared Buffy got knowing she would have to talk to him about it. She couldn't avoid it though because he sat down on the bed pretty close to her and stared her in the eyes.
Buffy looked down as Angel started to look her over, "You don't want to tell me about it?"
Buffy tried to be the strong one, "I think I said the just of it downstairs in front of all your friends."
Angel looked down now, "So Spike just..."
Buffy nodded, "Yeah, then he left town."
Angel shook his head, "I can't believe this. I should of warned you about how Spike obsesses over people. I'm so so..."
Buffy couldn't handle it if she heard Angel apologize so she interrupted, "Don't worry about it. It's my fault anyway."
Angel defenitely couldn't believe she was blaming herself, "How could it possibly be your fault?"
Buffy took a deep breath knowing this was the big talk about sleeping with Spike and the heaven and not hell talk. "A lot happened that year. When I came back I didn't feel right, I didn't feel real. Things only got worse when everyone found out that they brought me back from heaven and not hell. "
She paused once she heard Angel gasp with revelation. "How come you never told me? I mean when we met..."
Buffy smiled, "When we met it was a big cryfest and I was still reeling from the fact I was back. Which you were also doing."
Angel nodded, "You still could of told me. You didn't have to go to Spike."
Buffy looked down again unable to stare Angel of all people in the eyes, "I did have to go to Spike. He's the only one in that damn town that understood anything. About the grave, about being half dead and especially about being alone. Soon it got to a point where I couldn't just talk to him anymore. The day after Giles left, Tara left and everyone was sad I couldn't take it and when Spike came to me I couldn't let him go. After that we found out he could hit me so it was then I knew if he could hurt me but no one else something had to be wrong with me. My thoughts of coming back wrong came true. That night I actually stayed with Spike... All night and for a few hours I felt like I mattered."
Angel got the look on his face that told her he knew what happened. Buffy couldn't stop though, it was like she needed to say all of this, "After that I just kept going back to him whenever I needed out of this world. He had this power over me that I just couldn't shake. Every night I spent with him wasn't just sleeping together either. Sometimes we'd talk and he'd make me feel a little better but most of the time it was just so I could feel wanted. It went on and on, even after I broke down to Tara. It stopped though when Riley came back to Sunnydale, with his wife."
Angel had shock and pain written all over his face, "He caught you two?"
Buffy nodded, "He said some stuff that made me feel a little better so I stopped going to Spike for a painkiller. We were okay for a while. Nice to each other even, like a friend mark. Usually the friend part comes before sex but we were different. That was ruined though when Spike slept with Anya. The nerds that were stalking me had it all on camera. After Xander almost killed Spike for sleeping with her Spike made it clear to everyone that I had been sleeping with him. He came over to talk to me right before I was about to take a bath. I told him I didn't want to do it but somewhere I knew, I wanted him again. He didn't actually get further then a few bruises and a rip in my robe but it was... it was so surreal. Even now Xander and a permanant bruise are my only reminders it ever happened."
Angel couldn't even look Buffy in the eye anymore. He had no idea he had missed so much. Every reason he left was useless. He left so she could be really happy but the way she looked now proved she wasn't just unhappy but she was dead to the world. While Angel thought about everything the silence in the room could of killed both of them. Buffy had just laid out this big revelation and Angel really had nothing to say.
He especially couldn't believe what Buffy said next, "I'm so sorry Angel."
The words alone caused Angel to stare his slayer in the eyes again, "You don't have to be Buffy." He grabbed one of her hands and took a deep un needed breath, "I should of been there, everyone should of been there for you but Spike."
Buffy shook her head, "I just didn't want to feel... I felt like everything I was, was still in the grave I crawled out of and it wasn't like that when I was around Spike. It was wrong and I used him. It's no ones fault but my own."
Angel didn't even know what to say as a few tears escaped Buffy's eyes. She tried with everything not to cry but her walls were coming down and she wasn't gonna be in control for long. Angel defenitely couldn't bare to watch her cry so he said the first thing he could to try and make her feel better, "No it's not. We all know Spike can't see his limits. You don't have to deal with him when you go back Buffy."
Buffy shrugged, "It's not that I'm scared of. It's just I don't know wheather I want to stake him or crawl into his arms."
That's when buffy lost it. Her control had faultered and her eyes started to draw tears like waterfalls. Angel had the hardest time knowing she was in the worst place but watching her break down finally, watching her cry everything she had inside of her and watching her be so weak tore him up inside. He was at a point where the jealousy he felt didn't matter and he couldn't resist holding her now. It was seconds before he had her wrapped in his arms and was cradling her like a baby. He was now leaning against the headboard with one arm around Buffy's back and the other wrapped in her hand. Buffy's legs were draped over Angel's as her head rested on his shoulder. Her tears were slowing and it took about 10 minutes for her to come back to reality. Angel noticed her heartbeat steady and the sniffles slow down.
He looked over into her eyes, "You feel any better?"
She couldn't smile as she answered, "You always know what to do to make me feel better."
Angel actually smiled and enjoyed the no longer awkward silence between them. They sat like that for a while before Angel spoke. "I understand you know. Not necessarily about Spike specifically but I know why you did what you did."
Buffy looked up into his eyes and had the most curious cute look on her face, "This is the part where you reveal something about your life lately in order to try and make me feel better right?"
Angel smiled and nodded, "Yeah." He waited a few seconds before he finished what he was saying, "Like I said, I know why you did what you did. Last year Wolfram and hart brought back Darla."
Buffy could pretty much see where this was going, "What do you mean they brought her back? Evil and all?"
Angel shook his head and looked away from her eyes, "She was human. They brought Drusilla to L.A. to change her back right in front of me." Buffy gasped already knowing the pain he must of felt. "After that it was pretty much rock bottom you know. Everything on my mind was how I could possibly kill both of them or how I could of saved them."
Buffy tried to interrupt, "You couldn't..."
He wouldn't let her because he already knew what she was gonna say, "That's what everyong was telling me. I couldn't of done anything but I know I could of. Anyway after i fired Cordy, Wesley and Gunn I was pretty much evil with the exception of killing people. I was obsessed with finding a way to beet W&H. I did one night with this ring but people started talking every which way at me and I think my exact words were, I wanted to feel something besides the cold. Darla showed up at my place after that and I've always felt something with her."
There was only one question as Buffy's eyes widened, "Did you lose your soul?"
Angel actually smiled for a second, "I wasn't happy. I may of felt something finally but i sure as hell wasn't happy let alone perfectly happy."
Buffy couldn't help but smile, "Good."
Angel continued his small story, "The point is we both had these great epiphany's. Your's was Riley and mine was knowing I didn't want to be evil."
Buffy nodded and curled closer into Angel, "Why is it always us, Angel? I mean we've done a lot for this messed up world and still nothing. Where's our miracle?"
Miracle was the only word Angel needed to hear to be reminded of Conner. Now just felt like the right time to tell Buffy who that boy actually was. He didn't know if she'd be mad or extremely happy for him but he knew he had to do it.