Chapter 17

Marissa walked into Alex's apartment without knocking. "Alex?" she called. "Alex!" Marissa spoke loudly, beginning to become angry with Alex's disappearance.

Alex emerged from the bedroom.

"Alex! What the hell was that-" Marissa stopped herself when she noticed that Alex's cheeks were stained with tears. "What's wrong?" She asked, hurrying over to Alex and touching her shoulder tenderly.

Alex swallowed, "I'm sorry Marissa, but I can't do this. I can't be with you."

Marissa stepped back, "What? Why? Things were just starting, and I thought they were going great!"

"So did I," Alex continued, "Until tonight."

Marissa sighed, "Alex what about tonight! Was it that we hid our relationship? Was it about spin the bottle?"

Alex rolled her eyes.

"It was just a game!" Marissa exclaimed, angry that Alex couldn't understand.

"Yeah," Alex agreed, "But they way that you and Ryan were acting wasn't."

"I'm sorry I had to kiss him Alex! It's not like I asked to play! If I recall correctly, it was you who volunteered first!"

"Marissa, it's not about the stupid game! It's about how you are a better person when you're with Ryan!"

Marissa was silent and she looked confused, "What do you mean?"

"I mean that if Ryan's around, you turn down drinks. When Ryan's around, you're happier!"

"Alex that's not true!"

Alex's eyes began to fill with tears and she started to walk away, "God! I'm so sick of this!" She yelled.

"Alex!" Marissa shouted back angrily, "What are you sick about! I honestly don't know what I did wrong!"

"It's nothing that you did! It's just that I am so tired of being second best in every damn relationship I'm in!"

Marissa didn't know what to say.

"Seth and I broke up largely because he was still in love with Summer! I knew that I was the rebound girl, and for a little while, I was ok with that! But I can't go through it again with you!"

Marissa walked towards Alex and looked her directly in the eye. "You are not my rebound." Marissa spoke slowly.

Alex spoke back equally as slowly, "I don't believe you."

Marissa was stunned, but she backed away from Alex. "Look, I'm sorry if you don't think that I'm in this relationship, but I have put everything on the line here! My friends, my family and my reputation, I gave all of those up for you!"

Alex looked hard at Marissa, "Please Marissa, you didn't have to give anything up for me! Because you're with a girl now you found an excuse to not have to tell anybody!"

Marissa shook her head at Alex. "I can't believe you. You're accusing me of not having any feelings at all for you!"

"I'm not saying that you don't like me, I just think that you are using your problems as an excuse to be with me!" Alex threw up her hands and imitated Marissa, "I'm Marissa Cooper, I'm a rich girl, but I don't live the easy life. Just to prove that to you I'm going to show you how many problems I have!"

Marissa's eyes began to fill with tears. "What the hell do you want from me Alex!"

"I don't want you to use this relationship as another way to get back to your mom and prove to her that she screwed you up. I don't want to be an example of your deep issues."

"Alex that is not what you are!"

Alex closed her eyes, "I also want to know that you are in this relationship for good. I want you to believe that you can have with me what you had with Ryan."

Marissa swallowed, she didn't know what to say. Honestly, she could not see herself in a long term relationship with a girl. Marissa became consumed with guilt because she realized that there was some truth in what Alex was saying. Marissa thought of a way to get around the question, "I don't want to be with Ryan right now."

Alex shook her head, "Marissa, it isn't about whether you want to be with Ryan or not, it's about the fact that when you are with Ryan, you are happier and healthier. It kills me to not be able to have a relationship with you unless you were drunk! I mean, at first, it was fun, but I thought you always acted this way! I don't want to be the person who you can count on for a good time! I don't know if we can be in a relationship together, but I do know that I care about you! I can't live with the fact that you would be better off with somebody else!"

"Why would I be better off with Ryan if I'm happy with you!" Marissa asked, now softening her voice.

"Because I saw the way you guys acted today. You guys have banter! You guys joke around! You guys care about each other."

"But I care about you!" Marissa cried.

Alex sighed, "I don't think this relationship can work."

Marissa began to cry. She spoke quietly with tears running down her cheeks, "I don't want you to think I didn't care about you. You are amazing, and I wish I was strong enough to give you what you deserve."

Now it was Alex's turn to begin to tear. "Me too." She whispered.

Alex walked over to Marissa and embraced her tightly.

"I'm going to go take a walk." Marissa whispered into Alex's ear. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, when we are both feeling a little better."

Alex nodded and watched Marissa walk out the door.