A Dream Reborn

I do not own Berserk, though i would love to own Guts, Irvine and Griffith ;)
All characters belong to Mr. Kentaro Miura.

We arrived in Hell. Well, I guess there is no other way to describe this terrible and horrible place.

I saw the Eclipse with my own eyes. The sun was shrouded in a veil of darkness and the skies have turned to bloody red. It is a gloomy, yet fascinating atmosphere. We are standing on a ground of dead faces. Monsters and Demons are surrounding us.
It feels like a bad nightmare. You only wish to wake up and go back to reality but you somehow know that it´s impossible.
I know I should be frightened but I am not. I know this nightmare all too well.

Because it is my own.
Countless times I have dreamed of this place and now it has become reality.
A painful but true reality.
When did my nightmares start? When did it all begin?
I don´t know. The one thing I only know is that my nightmares got worse when I continued to ascend the social ladder in order to achieve my dream.

My dream...

It is pure and divine.

It is to conquer all, to dominate all, to stand above all.

To be supreme.

To have my own kingdom.

To have my destined throne.

But now I am standing before the ashes and ruins of my shattered dream.
This dream is broken like my mind and body. It is broken like the Band of the Hawk.
Their hope in me has been vanished and destroyed.

Now we all share the same feelings:

Emptiness, Hopelessness, Despair, Fear.
Death awaits us to take us in its dark embrace.

I watch my men and soldiers cry and scream in disbelief and shock.
They are all trembling with fear as they see the creatures around us licking their teeth.
But there are two people who still keep their calm.

The first one is Caska. She is sitting on her horse and tries to keep the group together. She is shouting orders to stay in formation. To stand firm. Her loud voice reaches their ears and gives everybody a glimmer of hope. I am truly proud of her. This woman is so strong and so brave even though we are all in this desperate situation.
She reminds me of my achievements in life. It was me who saved her life and who taught her the way of the sword. I made a small, weak girl become a strong and fearless commander.

The second person is Guts. He´s standing right next to me.He has put his arms around my shoulders to keep my weak and fragile body from falling to the ground.

My ice-blue eyes stare down at the pendant which is tied around my thin fingers.
It was this pendant which brought us here.

It is called Behelith, the red Egg of the King.

I received it from an old fortune-teller woman a long time ago when I was a child.
She told me that he who possesses the Behelith, shall conquer the world in exchange for his own flesh and blood.

In exchange for his flesh and blood...

I always wondered what this meant and I have this bad feeling that I will soon know. I feel hot tears running down my cheek. Tears of blood. It resembles the crying red tears of my pendant.
It´s strange but yet it feels somehow familiar.
Suddenly the earth is shaking beneath our feet. A tower of faces is forming under us.
Guts is still holding me in a tight grip as we are elevated and lifted up to the sky.
It all happens so fast and quickly. I just realize now that Guts is holding my hand and he´s about to fall if I release him. I just try to tighten my grip but I´m too weak. His sweaty hand slips off and
I can see him falling down into the darkness.

Guts...

What happened between us?

When did I fall under your control?

My memories go back to the day when we both fought against Zodd, the Immortal.
I don´t know why but I wanted to rescue you, Guts.
Everytime you were in danger, I felt my heart stop beating for a moment.
My face went pale like a ghost and my entire body became numb.

What have you done to me, Guts?My mind was always cool, calculating. I never lost my nerves or my temper.
I was the calm and determined strategist who always thought that he had everything under his control.
But I was wrong. When you were in danger and close to death, my mind went spinning around and I lost my coolness.

I remember when you asked me why I came back to save you, why I risked my life for you.

"Do you need a reason? Do you really need one? Will you always be left doubting me when I decide to lay down my life for you?"

That was my answer back then.
I never knew the reason myself.
But I think, it was because of you, Guts.
You were the only one who truly knew me.
Everyone knew me as Lord and General Griffith, the White Hawk.
They gave me the title "Guardian Angel of Midland".
I remember a time when I walked through the crowded streets of Windham, the great and beautiful Capital-City of Midland.
Children were running around and playing Knights. They immediately stopped their play and watched me in astonishment and awe as if I were somekind of Hero who stepped out of a fairytale.
Like the heroes you admire when you watch them illuminating brilliantly on wonderful paintings on Castle Walls.

My loyal comrades also looked up to me in wonder and respect. In their eyes I was this great Knight and courageous Leader wearing a shining silver-white Armor.
They all believed in me and staked their lives on my dream.
Everyone of them hoped for a better and promising future fighting at my side.

Sir White Hawk...

Yes, even my enemies were afraid when they heard my name.And yes, I was this White Hawk and together with my men we were the legendary Band of the Hawk.

We were legendary because we never lost on the battlefield. In every battle we proved to be invincible. We were always victorious and stayed undefeated.

First, we were just ordinary mercenaries, fighting unimportant battles at the borders of Midland.

Several years later our reputation grew and we became a part of the grand Army of Midland´s Kingdom.

Common people, noblemen, ministers...

They all had to recognize and accept our new rank and status.

I remember the times when I visited and attended the royal balls and festivities.
Beautiful ladies were surrounding me, asking me to tell some heroic stories about my experiences on the battlefield and begging me to offer them a dance.

But from the corner of my eye I also saw the disgust, jealousy and envy in the faces of the noblemen and the many members of the Royal Court.

A young man like me, a man of common blood, was allowed to enter the same Royal Palace just like them.

They called me a shameful disgrace and wondered why the King of Midland supported me and why he held me in such high regard.

I didn´t care about them. The only thing, that mattered, was if they were my enemies or not.

If they were obstacles standing in my path or not.

Love me or hate me.

Be my follower or be my enemy.

There were only these two options to choose from.

A third category never existed.

I could not allow anyone to stand between me and my dream.
And to achieve my goals I had to crush my enemies.
But I needed someone whom I could entrust with this special and difficult task.

And that someone was you, Guts.

You knew the real me, the true Griffith. My darker side.

It was the darkness I shared with you, Guts.

Only you.

I left everything in your hands because I could not allow myself to get involved or to get my hands dirty and wash them in blood.
I had to keep up the illusion of being a good, respectful and honourable knight.
Nobody ever got the idea to doubt me or to question my integrity.
You played an important role in all of my schemes and plans. You did never hesitate to follow my orders. Even if you had to assassinate the younger brother of the King, Count Yurius or had to participate in killing his wife, the Queen of Midland.

I once asked you why you didn´t resent me or think me a dreadful man.

And you answered with that friendly smile of yours "You´re just following your path to achieve your dream, right? You still believe it, don´t you?"

Back then I was content. We all have tasted a moment of glory.
We, the Hawks, were able to end the long Hundred-Year-War between the Kingdom of Midland and the Empire of Chuder.
People from all over Midland were cheering for us during our huge victory parade in Windham.
My dream was only a few steps away from me. It was close to fulfillment.
The queen of Midland was already dead.
I only had to get rid of the King and marry his daughter, the Princess. She was young and naive.
I played the role of the charming Prince perfectly and she soon fell in love with me.
It was all so simple.

I stood at the peak of Victory.

But my dream was lost when you suddenly decided to leave me.

To defy me.

You created a third category, Guts.
You ignored me. You ignored my dream.

Your life has always been in my hands. But when you wanted to break free from the invisible leash that I had put around you, I could not allow it.

You were mine, Guts.

I wanted to stop you. To force you to stay at my side.

I was also aware of the possibility that our fight could have a deadly outcome for you.

But I didn´t care.

If I couldn´t have you, then no one should have you.

We fought. And I was defeated.

For the first time in my life I experienced defeat.

I was stunned, shocked and broken.

Broken like my sword.

I remember sinking into the cold snow, staring in disbelief at my broken sword.
I remember seeing you walking away from me. Leaving me behind. Abandoning me.
I felt your betrayal just like the wound you had inflicted on my right shoulder.
It was that fateful day when I lost my dream. The day I lost you.

In my dream I always wanted to reach that shining castle in the sky.
It was always out of my reach, yet I continued to climb, to ascend, to rise.
Like a white hawk flying up alone to the endless blue sky and striving to reach the highest point.

You were a important part of my dream, Guts. During our war with Chuder I mentioned that you and Caska were the key to the hawk´s success. It was the truth. You two brought the Band of the Hawk to a higher level.

Caska was the first woman who managed to become a female commander.
This woman always looked up to me, worshipped me as if I was a god-like figure.
She was my right hand, my sword.
Every Hawk-member respected her qualities in leadership. She was well known for her elegant and deadly fighting style.

And then there was you.

Guts, the Captain of the Hawks Raiders. The Raiders were the strongest unit of our army. They were always fighting in the front line and trying to drive a wedge between the lines of our enemies.
I saw our tired soldiers gathering new strength and confidence when they watched you overwhelm our foes like a raging firestorm.
You were this strong, brutal, violent and dangerous swordsman. Untamed like a wild beast.
You were swinging this huge sword which was almost as long as your entire body.
Your only enemy was death itself. Everytime you went into battle you wanted to challenge death.
I had the impression that you wanted to prove something to yourself. I think that was the reason why you always fought so hard. You were reckless, stubborn and bold.
I took a great liking in this characteristic of yours. No matter the odds or how strong your opponent was, you never thought of retreat or surrender. Even if you had to face a whole army alone, giving up was never an option for you. I loved watching you fight, Guts.
Your swordplay showed me your heart, your inner soul.

I represented that bright shining light in the Band of the Hawk. Each member of the Hawks brought his own little light to me. I combined their lights with mine so that it may shine forever.My men provided the strength and I was the calculating master strategist who always knew how to create a perfect and flawless strategy.

You, Guts, were the dark jewel.

You were the warrior who paved the road to get to the castle.
But when you left, that castle was gone too.
My castle was destroyed and my will alone was not enough to uphold it.
My dream was betrayed and with it my life. My dream breathed life into me. Without it I only was a shadow of myself. I seemed to be alive but I was already dead. And so was my dream.

The day you left me, I sneaked into the Princess´ chambers.

It was midnight. The neverending rain outside her windows reflected my mood. Endless sorrow.I felt an emptiness in my heart and somehow I wanted to fill the hole that you have created.
I wanted that feeling back. To grasp it, to hold it and so I took the Princess by force and made her mine.
But it was a vain attempt. I felt nothing and a new realization struck me down like a heavy blow.

I realized that nobody was able to fill that place in my heart. Except you.

My desperate longing for you was stronger than my wish to fulfill my dream.

The next morning the Castle Guards caught me and threw me into the deepest and lowest dungeons of Windham´s Castle.
I spent a whole year in prison.
Torture, agony, torment, pain.
My mind and body were in a broken, death-like state.

But there was one thing that kept me from fading away completely.

Guts...

Lying in the cold shadows of my cell, I whispered and repeated your name over and over again.

It was all your fault, Guts. You made me lose my mind and now I paid the price.
I lost the ability to speak. My body became numb, motionless.
I am not the proud, strong and shining Knight with an angelic face anymore.
No, now I am like a living corpse. Still breathing but already dead. Dead like my dream.
I wonder why you came back for me, Guts.
We are in hell and I hear you screaming my name.

Do you still want to save me, Guts?

I am nothing but a shadow of my former self.
There is no reason to save someone like me.
We mercenaries live by a rule: "The ones who are unable to get up again, must stay behind."

But in this place I feel that my dream is not dead yet.
I see those four demons of the God Hand.
They show me a vision:

I am walking over a mountain of dead people. In the dark sky I see my castle. It is shining in the same brilliant light like it is in my dreams. I know I can still reach that castle far above.

The road to the castle is made from the fallen bodies I have used to forge my dream like a sword.

My enemies, my comrades...

They all ended up here to pave my chosen path.
I walked over all of their corpses to get to this point. This castle, my dream is still out of my reach.
I know that I need more bodies to make this mountain grow higher to get to the sky.

My blue eyes shimmer with new light as I gaze back at my comrades.

Yes, the Hawks. They are all that is left of my shattered dream.
But there is still hope.

They can be the wings to fly me to the castle.

I have to sacrifice them. I must sacrifice them all.

The Hawks are my flesh and blood. They have always been my flesh and blood.
If I don´t sacrifice them, I will end up like one of these dead bodies lying there on the ground.

Why should I regret anything, now that I have come this far? There is no use in repenting my sins.
It will make no difference.

Those men chose to follow me. To follow my dream. To die in the name of my dream.

They followed me of their own free will.
There´s nothing I can give back to the dead to undo what I have done.

This is my chosen path to achieve my dream. A dream which is already bathed in blood.

If I regret my actions or if I apologize for them, it will end all.
Then all of my efforts would have been in vain and then I will never be able to have my own kingdom.

To have my destined throne.

To hold the world in my hands.

It is betrayal, yes.

But there is no other way.

Betray them or... betray my dream.

Betray you or betray my dream.

You were a distraction, Guts. You obscured the vision of my dream.

I have rested long enough. The time to awaken is now.

It is time to breathe new life into my dead dream.

This is not the end. It is only the beginning of my dream, my destiny.

The vision suddenly fades before my eyes.

I see you now, Guts. You have reached the top of this tower to get to me and all I can do is to stare back at you in silence.

You.

Out of all the thousands of comrades and tens of thousands of enemies...

Only you, Guts.

Only you and you alone made me forget my dream.

I hear my voice. It sounds like a faint whisper as I offer my flesh and blood to the God Hand "I submit."